For The Love of a Submissive
NSFW - Over 18 Only Please
Dominants are not great because of their technique but because of their passion, honor and integrity.
Submissives are not great because of their obedience but because of their love, trust and devotion.
Welcome! Here I share my views of loving and sensual Dominance and submission and other forms of power exchange. I am a 40-something male who relishes the mental, sensual, emotional and sexual aspects of D/s relationships. To me, D/s is first and foremost about the mind once a mental and emotional D/s bond is established, the body has no choice but to follow. Feel free to look around, share your thoughts and feelings with me, and generally engage in a dialogue on the topic.
Frequently Asked Questions About D/s Relationships and BDSM
More About This Site and its Author
The Reading Room - A place where you can find links to the fictional D/s stories and non-fiction posts by the blog's author.
The Reference Room - Sources of good information (books and links) for those interested in exploring D/s and BDSM
"For the Love of a Sub Photo Gallery" - A companion photo blog that contains D/s images not seen on this site. New photos added continuously.
Originally, the "For The Love of a Submissive" blog was designed to tell a fictional story of Domination and submission and the first 480 posts make up that story. The blog progressed chronologically from the start of the relationship to the conclusion of the story and as such is best read from the beginning. You can find the story and navigate to the various "chapters" directly using the links contained in The Reading Room.
I Need This
In my seeming never ending quest to better understand the psyche and desires of a submissive, my Muse and I often discuss what it is that drives her to want to submit to me and me alone. This is not an exercise in ego inflation and self-flagellation but rather a genuine curiosity and deep seated craving to understand and really know this urge to submit. Because to know the true heart of a submissive is to be best armed to fulfill her desires…and consequently my own.
My Muse is no shrinking violet. She is opinionated, occasionally stubborn and takes charge of her life and those around her. She is anything but submissive in the course of her daily life. Yet something drives her to want to submit utterly and completely to me heart, mind, body and spirit. As she puts it, “Take me, I am yours. Entirely.” As I often describe, the feelings and emotions of being on the receiving end of such ardent and heart-felt desire is profoundly moving and an awesome responsibility. It is at once a fulfilling and humbling experience. But what would drive an otherwise self-sufficient, capable and assertive woman to want this? I don’t pretend to fully understand, but I make every effort to find out, and I am learning as I go.
What I find most intriguing when speaking with submissives, or those who think they want to be a submissive in a D/s relationship, is that there seems to be one unifying truth. Submission for them is not a curiosity or something to be toyed with. It is not a passing fancy or a short-term response to a titillating novel or pornographic imagery. Submission is an intense desire and yet most often not something they want to experience across the full spectrum of their lives. In fact, most often the desire is laser focussed on one person, one special dominant partner that draws out their submission and gives it flight. When asked, “Why do you want this?” the responses may sound different but most often come down to this, “I don’t want this. I need this.” My Muse describes it as a “primal need,” something that she simply has to have to feel whole and complete.
My Muse can give me all sorts of explanations why she feels that I am the only one to whom she would kneel, but that has more to do with my personal traits and the complimentary bond that has evolved and been carefully nurtured between us than about her actual reason for submission. Probing further, a laundry list of reasons that would be familiar to anyone who has made the effort to understand submission in the D/s sense emerges. “I feel loved, cared for, safe, protected, worthy, challenged, guided, needed, free of decisions, nurtured, desired. It pleases me to please and serve you. I just want to be taken…completely,” and the list goes on. All excellent reasons to want to engage in a healthy D/s relationship as a submissive. But there are other forms of human interaction and relationships that can provide any or all of these rewarding feelings. The question remains, “What drives you to want to submit?”
Inevitably at this point the conversation turns to all manner of messy intangibles like upbringing, household environment, childhood issues, abandonment, fear of rejection, etc., etc., etc. Oh this is one very deep rabbit hole. And while exploration of these influences have been very helpful in understanding what drives us as people and how we react and interact in relationships, it rarely if ever answers the fundamental question “What drives you to want to submit?”
At the end of the day, the answer is always the same, as elegant in its simplicity as it is vexing for its lack of clarity: “I don’t know, I just know to the core of my being that I need this.”
I have spent a lot of time thinking about my own motivations as a Dom, trying to understand what drives me to want to be dominant over another in a loving, intimate and sexual relationship. I ponder these things frequently and write endlessly in an effort to sort it all out. While I feel that I have come to a fairly comprehensive understanding of what I desire from a D/s relationship and how I feel it should be conducted, those are tactics not strategy. At the end of the day I know little about why I have this craving to lead in a Dominant manner. I don’t know what drives me to want to be in control without being controlling, to dominate without being domineering. I do not know what compels me to expand the boundaries of my sexual expression using BDSM as part of my artistic palette. When asked by my Muse and others, “What compels you to want to be a Dom?” my answer probably sounds rather familiar.
"I don’t know, I just know that I need this.”
In the end though, the “why” is simply not that important. We just do.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © Rachel DesBois
"Kneel on the chair, hands against the wall," I whisper horsely in your ear as you stand half naked, back to me, staring dutifully straight ahead. My fingers play through your hair and across your shoulders as you momentarily contemplate your next move.
You step away from me to comply and in so doing feel the warmth of my breath on your neck replaced by the cool air of the room and shudder. From the cold? Anticipation? Perhaps a twinge of separation anxiety at our physical parting? Fear? No, you know there is nothing to be feared here, the trust that has been earned between us is our strongest bond and thus far proven to be unshakable. No, this is unadulterated anticipation. You have no idea what is going to come next, you never really do. But you have every confidence that whatever it might be, no matter how long or difficult the journey, there is always profit and reward from it in the end.
As you kneel on the deeply cushioned chair, knees apart as I would desire, you reach for the wall, back arched, ass out presenting yourself to me in precisely the manner you have been taught. It is these small gestures, these little moments of exacting submission that cause my heart to swell the most with pride and desire. You have taken your submission seriously and carry it forth with great devotion and sense of accomplishment. When we are in this place together, your desire to please and be pleasing knows few bounds. While I have worked very hard to earn this submissive desire from you, not a day goes by that I do not feel a profound sense of gratitude to have been chosen to lead you every bit as much as I have chosen you to serve. We are a beautifully matched set as Dominant and submissive.
"Tonight there will be no bonds my Muse beyond the emotions that bind us together no silk ties, no cuffs, no rope," I whisper, leaning over you and drawing in your scent through flared nostrils. "Tonight I want nothing but your will that beautiful, stunning, powerful will that you exercise each and every time you come to me. You will hold perfectly still my Muse, no matter what. Perfectly still. Is that clear?"
"Yes Sir," you respond in barely a whisper, shallow breath quickening.
Straightening your hair back over your shoulders, I reach for your hands now pressed firmly against the wall, and ever so slowly trail my fingertips lightly across the backs of them and down your arms. A cascade of imperceptible little shivers rolls down your arms raising the nearly invisible hairs in their wake. I am bringing you to life, waking your body, raising its tempo to match that of your already racing mind. You shiver slightly and sigh in contented anticipation. Continuing their journey, my finger tips trail beneath your arms and along the sides of your beautifully curving breasts still contained in their revealing top. You squirm slightly as they trail down your sides leaving a delicious torment of pleasure and ticklishness in their wake.
"Be still my Muse."
"Yes Sir," you respond, head leaning against an upraised arm, eyes closed, lower lip clenched between your teeth.
"You are such a lip biter my Muse. I love that about you," I whisper in your ear, trailing my hooked fingers back and forth along the top of your silky panties, lowering them ever so lightly with each pass. "Christian Grey is an idiot. Bite your lip as much as you like my Muse." From long experience I have learned that when you bite your lip, sure as the tides, you will shortly be wet and aching with anticipation.
Lower and lower I ease your panties, gliding the knuckles of my hooked fingers back and forth across the swell of your shapely ass as I do, subtly signaling where I intend to focus my attentions this night. You moan as my hands draw back and forth, closer and closer to your sex, your heat radiating against my fingers as they pass. Instinctively you arch further, pressing toward me, exposing yourself to my attentions. Another green light. Another welcome sign. A quiet begging for more.
With panties only partially removed I pull my hands away from you and step back to admire the sight before me. You are partially exposed to both my sight and my touch, yet fully available for my every whim. But I choose to leave the panties there, half on, half off. The press of the satiny material against your hips is a powerful reminder to you of your exposure, sensuality and vulnerability. I am well aware that by leaving them there, you feel more naked than if I had removed them entirely. They are a marker, a sign of the power I have over you through the submission you grant me.
Bending over, I glide my smooth hands up and down your soft creamy thighs. Up and down from knee to the wisp of the satin draped beneath your sex. Without thought you arch and press, leaning into me.
"Be still my Muse," I chide, the single stinging slap to your inner thigh racing like a lightening bolt to your already throbbing clit. "Your instructions are not to move."
"Yes Sir, I am sorry Sir," you respond gasping at the shock of the unexpected slap.
Slowly I drag my fingernails across the quivering skin of your legs from the crease of your knee higher and higher across the rounded mounds of your ass and back down the sides of your legs. Repeat. Over and over again. Expanding my reach. Covering your legs, inner thighs, ass and hips with red trail marks from my nails. Subtly marking you. Taking my ownership.
Reaching for your the back of your neck I plant my nails in your skin and slowly drag them down your back, through the valley of your arch, and across the mountains of your ass. Eight red parallel trails blazed by my fingers. Marking my territory. They will be there for hours on your tender skin…an oddly painful pleasant reminder of your ownership and use.
Reaching behind the white satin, I cup your hot sex gently in my curved hand, middle fingertip resting on your swollen hard clit. You start at the unexpected direct contact to your moist lips and struggle to be still as I rest my hand motionlessly there, cupping and cradling you. But after so much anticipation, the motionless touch is more torture than pleasure. Through halting breath, clenched eyes, bitten lip, you roll your head back and forth instinctively rocking your hips seeking some form of stimulation. But there is no relief. My hand simply rests there moving with you, no relative motion between us.
Your breathing becomes more insistent, more desperate. “Please…” you murmur through clenched teeth.
"Be still my Muse," I urge softly.
For a moment you try. You become perfectly still. But it cannot last, you are holding your breath to do so. With a gasp of exhaled effort, you renew your rocking and pressing but to no avail. My hand, cupped against you simply goes along for the ride providing no satisfaction for your urgent desire.
"Please…Sir….please…" but you receive no verbal reply.
Instead you feel a stinging slap to your ass delivered by my free hand. The sudden and unexpected sensation ignites a fire across your ass and straight to your throbbingly cradled clit. You buck and press anew.
"I said be still!" I command. You freeze for a moment, perhaps in hopes that by doing so you might be rewarded. Or perhaps it is just your desire to please. The reason is of no importance to me though because I know full well it cannot last.
Still cupping your overheated sex in one hand I begin a steady slow rhythm of stinging slaps to your exposed ass. Not so hard as to make you cry out but firm enough to make an impression. Back and forth, left and right, the blows land on your reddening and quivering cheeks. While my other hand stays perfectly motionless over your now soaked lips and throbbing clit, the reaction to each stinging slap is all manner of motion carrying through from your ass to your thighs to your desperately craving sex, in its own way providing the stimulant you have so craved.
One after another the rhythmic spanking continues and as it does you rock your hips back and forth, forward and back in an ever increasing tempo of excitement, arousal, and desperation. You are rolling and undulating beneath me, all sound and motion, ass and head swaying this way and that. And all the while my hand rests against you, cradling you, as you drench my fingers in your dew. Your breath comes in shallower gasps and a sheen of perspiration breaks out across your skin.
"Oh God! Sir please don’t stop…" you moan through halting breath.
But I do. As suddenly as it began, the spanking stops. You remain there, swaying and bucking, panting with desire and need. Desperate for relief and release. Then you suddenly catch yourself, straighten and do your best to remain still knowing that this is the only path through this obstacle course.
My now soaked hand still rests against your sex, lovingly and tenderly holding you. Yet that is not at all what you want. You crave motion. Sensation. More. Much more. Endlessly more in this moment. Anything but stillness.
Resolutely and with a deep breath you straighten your head, stare ahead at the wall, stiffen your back and replant your knees. A reset. Trying anew. For it is only by following direction that you receive reward. You know this. I know this. It is the game we play.
My hand cradles you. It is our only contact. As your breathing begins to settle into a more regular pattern you begin to drift. Mesmerized. Meditative almost. A calm drifts over you and the desperation begins to leave, replaced by a glow like the warm sun on a cool Spring day. You bathe in the sensations that wash over and through you. The heat in your ass, the stinging fingernail trails down your back and up your inner thighs. You become hyper sensitive and aware of every part of your body. Your mind is empty of thought and there is nothing but sensation. Wetness. Heat. Stinging. Throbbing. You remain still and statuesque in the mutual silence and stillness. Hand to sex. Our sole connection. Still. Connected. Together yet apart. You close your eyes and bathe in the sensation.
Almost imperceptibly, my soaked finger tips begin to move…
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © CA Co., Ltd.
If home is where the heart is then she is my home. My Muse and I often refer to “coming home,” “wanting to be home,” and “welcome home” when referring to this proximity to one another. Whether it is cuddling, laying on a lap, or simply spontaneously embracing, anywhere in one another’s arms is home. There is no other. And this is true of countless relationships the world over.
But for a Dominant and submissive engaged in a loving D/s relationship there is more. There is some inner drive that compels a submissive to kneel at the feet of her loving Master. It constitutes an all-consuming urge. Like swallows to Capistrano or Monarchs to Michoacan, a submissive is drawn to present herself to her Master seeking his protection, guidance, and acceptance, and in so doing fulfills her own destiny and needs. Far from exercising subversion or coercion, a Dominant need only welcome and embrace this desire. He does not force or command her to his feet. After all, who has to be commanded home?
And the amazing thing is that when my Muse kneels before me, lays her head on me, pleases me of her own accord in some manner or another, or just waits in quiet anticipation, I am home too. Everything in my being feels fulfilled in these moments. I need nothing else and desire nothing more. It is an indescribable sense of completion as though the display of her submission somehow fits the final piece of my puzzle into place. The picture is complete. I am whole. I am home.
I never tire of the paradoxes of the D/s dance. What so often looks like repression to those who have never had the pleasure of understanding and experiencing a loving D/s relationship is in fact the greatest form of attraction and acceptance. It is a mature and elegant expression of love. When she comes to me and I hold her head in my hands, gently stroking her cheek or hair, gazing deeply into her eyes, there can be no question of the depth of commitment, desire, and yes, even need that we are fulfilling in one another in this moment.
And all the moments that follow.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Center of Attention
One of the appealing aspects of being a submissive is the attention that a Dom showers on their sub. It is often said that submissives require more attention and can be needier than the average person. This has been true in my experience but it is not necessarily a bad thing in the context of a D/s relationship. Indeed, it could be argued that the dependence a submissive feels on their Dom dovetails perfectly with the fact that at the heart of Dominance is a desire to be needed and looked to for support, guidance and security. In essence, the Dom needs to be needed. D/s is after all a symbiotic relationship between two people on many levels.
It has also been my observation that many submissives do not like being in the spotlight in any public sense and would rather slip into the background in a crowd rather the seek attention or adulation. Yet in private with their Dom, they are in point of fact very much in the spotlight. They are the sole focus of a Dominant’s attention, words and actions. The Dom’s world revolves around the sub for at least a time and the submissive revels in this attention and seeks still more in their efforts to serve and be pleasing. The glare of the white hot spotlight of their Dom is deeply appealing and gratifying to the submissive.
The term neediness is often used to describe a negative trait in a relationship, something that should be stamped out. And yet, in the context of a D/s relationship it is not always a bad thing at all. A Dom very much needs a submissive and a sub very much needs a Dom. Without the other, they cannot fulfill their desires or their destiny. They do not feel whole. However, if neediness is motivated by negative traits and emotions such as jealously, insecurity, or a fear of rejection, then neediness takes on a very negative connotation with consequent destructive impact on the relationship. It is always good to check your motives and guard against sabataging behaviors.
As a Dom, I like to be needed and I desire very much the attention and devotion that a submissive has to offer. I feed on that energy and return it in kind by devoting my full and undivided attention to my submissive in the form of acceptance, structure and loving control, giving her precisely what she needs in return. I can be just as needy as any submissive in my own way…it is simply expressed differently.
Where this all falls apart is when a so-called Dom enters into a D/s relationship under the belief that it is solely sexual in nature, seeking only the physical manifestations of BDSM without supporting the emotional and psychological aspects of the relationship. This is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. A needy submissive might initially feel a sense of being accepted and supported during the sexual aspects of the relationship but will quickly find themselves beating their head and heart futilely against the proverbial cold brick wall of an emotionally distant or unavailable “Dom.” In the end, such a relationship will be frustrating and unfulfilling at best and more likely outright heartbreaking. Anyone contemplating entering a D/s relationship as a Dom needs to be aware of the emotional neediness that can be anticipated in such a relationship and be capable of and prepared to handle the awesome responsibility that goes with it. Similarly, a submissive should be just as aware of their level of neediness and ensure that the Dom they choose is both capable of and willing to support and nurture those needs.
A submissive opens their heart, mind and soul to their Dominant and hands them over in the belief that they will be controlled responsibly and treated gently and tenderly. You may have full permission to beat on a submissives’ ass but it is rightly expected that you will simultaneously hold their heart and emotions safely and tenderly.
This is the essence of D/s as I see it. It is a deeply trusting and interdependent relationship that takes extraordinary levels of care and responsibility to carry out successfully. It can be a very demanding and inwardly focussed relationship in which the Dom and sub place one another squarely in the center of each others’ universe, the center of each others’ attention. It is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility, but I would have it no other way.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Mixing Vanilla with the D/s Spice - Opening Pandora’s Box of the Heart
(With apologies in advance for all the shop-worn analogies and literary references)
So this was supposed to be simple, right? You met online, corresponded for months, perhaps even played little long-distance D/s games until the day eventually came when you decided to close the geographic gap and meet in person. You were two of the lucky ones. That first all-too-brief meeting not only went well, it was extraordinary. You clicked in person just as you had long-distance. Remarkably, that comfort level you felt with one another online translated seamlessly to an in-person relationship. It doesn’t happen for everyone perhaps only a few. So you met again. And again. And again.
But still this was to be quiet and uncomplicated a D/s relationship to augment distant and already full and committed lives. Something to fill the holes in an otherwise rewarding but separate existence. Meeting each other’s needs. Fulfilling each other’s unfulfilled desires. A perfect match. One’s Yin to the other’s Yang. Equal and opposite sides of the same coin. You just fit. Kneeling and standing. Dominance and submission. Worship and reverence.
But a funny thing happened on the way to the Forum. While you were busy cooking your BDSM gumbo, the scent of vanilla kept wafting up out of the pot. When was that ingredient added? Perhaps it had always been there. But with each new taste of D/s the flavor of vanilla grew stronger and stronger. Lines became blurred. The devotion to one another as Dominant and submissive took on a whole new dimension. You found yourself equally devoted to one another as people. The people the rest of the vanilla world knew. Simply put, you were falling for each other, and falling hard. What seemed so effortless and comfortable in private suddenly became complicated and uncertain. Differences and obstacles that felt so irrelevant in the sanctity of your secret D/s world showed more starkly in the harsh and sometimes judgmental glare of the rest of your vanilla lives.
Matters of the heart have intruded on an otherwise perfect and quiet D/s union. And yet they really didn’t intrude did they? You invited those feelings in and welcomed them with open arms. And now they are here and have moved in and taken up residence. Separation between your D/s relationship and all the other relationships in your life begin to evaporate. That famous paraphrased line by Beatrice Campbell comes to mind, “It doesn’t really matter what these affectionate people do, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.” Only it’s not the horses you are worried about is it? No, it’s friends, family, coworkers and professional acquaintances. All the other relationships in your life that have no connection or touchstone to that other you, that undeniable D/s side of you. Only one person knows you in this way. They are the only tenuous bridge you have between your heretofore compartmentalized D/s and vanilla selves, and the walls of those compartments are fast breaking down.
Oh yes, now this is becoming very complicated indeed. All those differences that had no meaning and relevance between the two of you in the course of passions expressed and desires fulfilled now seem more evident in the judgement of others. Perhaps it is economic status, education level, gender, ethnicity or a marked difference in age. What felt so right in private feels at times awkward and uncertain when being judged by others. You feel out of place, unsure, unable to explain what you feel and why this is so important to those in your vanilla existence. They just don’t understand that you want this, that you need this, that this is actually good for you that this is actually in fact the real you.
Like Pandora’s curiosity when opening her earthen “box,” your pursuit of your desires have unleashed all manner of “evil” into the comfortable world of your vanilla relationships and they threaten all of the social norms and reference points those around you hold most dear. They may even threaten familial relations and perhaps even primary relationships. And like Pandora, you may hasten to close the lid but by now it is too late. All of the “evil” has escaped and your hearts, minds, bodies and spirits are caught up in the fast flowing current of this most vital relationship, seemingly sweeping you to your peril. This seems so impossible, like there can be no good end to it for anyone involved. You played with fire and surely you are going to be burned and likely drag others into the flames with you.
But there is a part of Pandora’s story that is often overlooked in the reference to the perils of opening her box. For after she opened the lid and all of the evil had been unleashed on the world, one thing remained nestled in the bottom Elpis, the Spirit of Hope. For where there is challenge, uncertainty, and doubt, there is also hope. Hope for a brighter future. Hope that this fork in the road might lead to a wondrous place never even imagined. Should you stay on the familiar well-worn road or veer off into the unknown and follow a path that at best seems uncertain but that offers the potential of wonder and enchantment?
When contemplating these options, Robert Frost I think gives us the answer when he says, “I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unkown
What do you look for in a Dom? Do you really know what Domination is? Have you ever seriously asked yourself these questions and have you ever actually sat down and made a list of the things you require from a Dom in order to make the most of your submission? My guess is that you have not or if you have it was a cursory look at best. Many submissives simply allow themselves to be swept along, for better or worse, in the currents of a Dom’s river and do not give much thought to what it is they truly need to flourish in their submissiveness. The answers, while different for everyone, may surprise you and likely have little or nothing to do with the images and stories seen on the Net.
Here is a short list of traits I have heard stated by various submissives who have given this considerable thought. It is by no means all-encompassing, and each person requires something different. I am sure there are many others but this might provide food for thought as you set about contemplating this for yourself.
Who Does a submissive Need?
** Someone who is in control of their own life and whose self-control, self-discipline and personal success serve as an example to live by
** Someone who displays honesty and integrity in other aspects of their life
** Someone who, despite their dominant tendencies, displays kindness, caring and compassion for others who have nothing to offer them
** Someone who is emotionally, physically and intellectually stronger yet remains open, accessible and respectful
** Someone who has sufficient life experience, knowledge and wisdom to be a mentor and teacher
** Someone who exerts their will over, and for the benefit and well being of a submissive and the well being of the relationship
** Someone who demands nothing less than the best effort in all a submissive does
** Someone who uses a submissive as a tool and canvas to quench their darkest desires
** Someone who creates an atmosphere of safety and security
** Someone who communicates and maintains well defined boundaries regarding accepted behavior
** Someone who has the courage to be honest even when they know the reaction will be negative
** Someone who dedicates themselves to studying the craft of BDSM and makes the D/s relationship a priority in their life
** Someone who enjoys leadership and thrives on being the one in control
** Someone who will make their submissive feel valued, treasured and needed
** Someone who provides and promotes discipline
** Someone who readily communicates precisely what needs doing in order to be the best for them and satisfy all of their needs, sexually and otherwise
** Someone who relishes pushing sensual and sexual boundaries taking their submissive to new levels and greater heights of sensation and experience
** Someone who is inquisitive enough to want to understand the needs and boundaries of a submissive
** Someone who will respect boundaries and limits without question or concern for personal safety
** Someone whose interests, boundaries and limits are largely compatible with their submissive
** Someone who wants to be in a D/s relationship every bit as much as the submissive
I encourage you to ponder these points, come up with your own list of needs and compare them to your Dom or any prospective Dom you may be contemplating serving. Do they have what it takes to be a good Dom for you? Will your needs be met by this person? Are they the one who will be best able to draw out and make the most of your submission?
Take the time and make the effort to assess your needs and find someone who can best meet them and your D/s journey will be far more rewarding than it might otherwise be.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Sub Drop and Emotions in Committed D/s Relationships
Recently a follower asked about Sub Drop and whether it was possible to experience the effects without actually entering “subspace.” This set me to thinking about the emotional aspects of Sub Drop and how it plays into committed D/s relationships.
Sub Drop is a term used to describe the state of emotional and physical depression a submissive (and sometimes a Dom) can experience after a session. From a physiological standpoint, the intense feeling of euphoria followed by deep melancholy or even depression can be traced to the flood of endorphins released into the brain by the intense stimulation of mind and body during a play session followed by a sudden and rapid drop in those endorphins. The effect can be very much like sudden withdrawal from alcohol or drug dependency and can be very debilitating in extreme instances. While much of what is written about Sub Drop focuses on the physical aspects of BDSM play recovery, the emotional aspects of Sub Drop can be even more intense and potentially long-lasting if not cared for properly.
The sense of malaise and depression stemming from withdrawal from the endorphin spike and other hormones released during play can leave a subs’ body highly imbalanced with all sorts of attendant emotional and psychological ramifications. Some describe the feeling as being relatively mild similar to PMS, a hang over, or having partied too hard the night before with feelings of physical and mental depression lasting for only hours or at most a day or so. Many describe the reaction as just wanting to sleep it off. There are, however, more extreme forms when signs of Drop can be exhibited for weeks after an intense session. These signs can include crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, sadness, depression and anxiety. It is not uncommon to experience guilt or doubt about a session and the nature of what was enjoyed. Importantly, Sub Drop is observed more often in long-term and committed relationships than with casual partners.
Committed relationships tend to have a level of intimacy and even dependency that is not typically present in casual BDSM partners. This intimacy can at times feel threatened by the nature of BDSM play where Dominance, submission, punishment, challenge, and the like can lead to questioning the validity of love and intimacy heretofore enjoyed between the partners. Questions along the lines of “how could he do this to me if he loves me?” are quite natural.
Another reason committed relationships can be fertile ground for Sub Drop is that the level of trust often developed between long-time partners can lead to edgier play where boundaries can be more throughly tested. No matter how strong the trust between partners, feelings of disbelief that something so perverted, kinky or dirty could be enjoyable can lead to self-doubt and guilt. These doubts then lead to fear, sadness, loneliness and questioning why anyone would want to engage in BDSM play in the first place. It doesn’t matter how consensual and desirable the actions were at the time, once the head space or subspace is over, in the postmortem of Sub Drop these questions can bring feelings of sadness, questioning, disbelief and even a feeling of betrayal by their partner. This is all very normal and something that every submissive and Dominant should be keenly aware of and prepared for.
These emotions are not limited solely to periods immediately following play. They can manifest themselves during the course of a scene and a Dom, as the responsible cognizant party, must be alert for any signs that his sub is “falling out” and be prepared to stop and immediately provide appropriate aftercare.
Aftercare is a topic of its own that I will cover in greater detail elsewhere, but one of the most important aspects of aftercare is to encourage a partner to open up and let the emotions out. Bottling up feelings and emotions is likely to only prolong any recovery period and may in fact defer any problems beyond the post-scene period and into the rest of the relationship. A Dominant partner should be immediately warm, embracing, loving, accepting, reassuring, nurturing and encouraging. He should allow the sub to recover at her own pace but keep the lines of communication open. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that it is normal to feel this way. Above all, he should let her know how much she is valued, treasured, respected, and perhaps most importantly that she has in no way let her Dom down or displeased him in any way.
Sub Drop aftercare is the time when roles must be completely reversed. A Dom must now return all the energy his sub has so freely given to him in the form of comfort, reassurance and love. Sub Drop is a clear and present sign that the battery has been drained completely and it is the number one job of the Dominant to do everything he can to help recharge that battery to its full and powerful state, no matter how much energy or how long it takes.
Give back everything that has been taken and more. It will be given over and over again in return.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © LordShroud
I love this moment when submission has already been granted, and control already taken. And yet there is a necessary pause. A break in the continuum of the night from our vanilla selves to the darkly sensing beings we are to become. A time to absorb and savor. Breathing in each other’s essence. Drawing upon each other’s power. A pause to marvel at the aura of beauty, sensuality and need glowing ever brighter between us. Each passing second of inaction only serving to heighten our awareness, our power, our craving. Winding the clock spring ever tighter toward its inevitable breaking point. That point where we unleash the full fury of the power that is us.
But just now, for what seems like an eternity, we revel in the mounting tension.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
See What I See
Look upon yourself and see what I see. Observe the strong and beautiful woman that I perceive as opposed to the collection of “imperfections” and differences you obsess over. See the whole, not the parts or even the sum of the parts. You are not an opportunity for change and improvement but a work of art, perfect in your own right, open to interpretation and appreciation by the beholder.
I, your Sir, am the beholder see what I see.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
When a Dominant Kneels
1. It sucks for him
2. It really sucks for him, but much is learned
3. It makes a man a better Dom.
I am not easy on my knees. I don’t like kneeling, I’m a man – I’m a Dominant man. While not fanatical about it, I don’t even like sitting in the presence of a group of women. I’m not even usually aware of this instinctive tendency to assume a dominant posture. Not long ago I was out with a girlfriend and her friends at plush swimming pool. They, eventually, all moved from the pool to low level lounge chairs to tan and I remained standing. Noticing this posture, my girlfriend – who understands D/s and power exchange – asked why I would not “lay out” with them. There are a number of possible answers and perhaps under the right circumstances I would “lay” with a group of women (actually I’ve no doubt of it). Still, in this circumstance I became keenly aware that as a Dominant male, my posture in many ways embodies my sense of power and place. I stand dominant instinctively. I give my chair to women on buses and crowded bars. I sit with my back to a wall whenever possible. I own my space, my power, and my position. Kneeling, it goes without saying, is a posture I’d rather reserve for a willing submissive woman.
Still, the last year has taught me much about kneeling – literally and figuratively – and it has not been a lesson lost on me. In some circles of the D/s community, a man aspiring to become a Dominant Master is required to be submissive to a Dom as part of his training. I’m not part of those circles, yet I do believe – I have come to learn as a part of my journey - that a good Dominant does know and understand what it is to be submissive. In this most difficult year I have learned that the Universe, in Her eternal wisdom, has a way of “humbling” and “objectifying” a man as a part of his training much the way a Dom “humbles” and “objectifies” a submissive as a part of her training. I don’t like it. It’s not natural for me. It is not my nature to be submissive. Kneeling sucks.
What I have learned through being humbled, and having to fall on my knees in obedience and prayer to the Universe (God) is that necessary reminder that a man, even a Dominant man, cannot control everything – even those things he is used to controlling – always. We all answer to some power higher than ourselves. We can go kicking and screaming and fighting and trying to top our “superior” the best we know how, but ultimately, there will be surrender as we come to know our limits and dependency on another. I am, it turns out, not an all-powerful god. I am, it turns out, not the all-powerful god a submissive wants me to be sometimes. So I learn patience. I learn discipline. I learn how to kneel and quietly wait for my “higher power” to provide the answers I so desperately need. I learn to confess my sins and weaknesses and (the Dominant shudders) my dependency.
In truth, I have not submitted easily, but I am grateful to the Universe for training me in submission. I’m sure there will be more lessons. I am grateful for the better man I have become just as I would want any submissive to be grateful for the woman I am helping her become. I am grateful because it reminds me how she may feel and struggle and resist. I am grateful because it reminds me just how important it is to recognize her when she perseveres and succeeds in obedience to my will. It reminds me, if I was ever tempted to forget, that she needs to be praised and nurtured and cared for and respected for her submission.
My season of “kneeling” (I still won’t comfortably call it submission) has made me a better man and I will be a better Dominant to my next submissive for the experience. I share this experience with those who are Dominants because it is crucial for us to remember our limitations. We will be humbled. The Universe will write “MINE” across our hairy asses to put us in our place. And thank God. Humility is as necessary for us as it is for a submissive if we are to grow - no matter how tall we already stand or how powerfully we own our space.
I also share this experience as a warning to those women I love – the submissives I have been honored with before. They sure as hell better choose to submit to a Dom who can kneel at the feet of something higher. They deserve THAT kind Dom, and if they settle for less, … well, let’s just say I can –and will - still crack a whip.
Play safely and love well
copyright: Dominant State of Mind
Your Submissive - Handle With Care!
I write often about the dance on the fringe of darkness - where the Dominant leads and the submissive anticipates and follows to the best of her ability. With the right music, experience, motivation, chemistry, and trust - the result is breathtaking in its beauty, erotic intensity, and joy.
Here is the rub. I have submissive friends who are hurt deeply by Dominants who see the relationship as only the dance. These players work intensely, engage fully, and savor the bodies and attentions of their girls. Yet, once they are sated - they communicate sparsely and only when pursued. Some flirt online and make comments about other girls’ photos. Others disappear entirely and remain shadows until their loins stir again.
"If He is that much of an asshole, why doesn’t she just leave?"
A slam-dunk - right? The girl should recognize these patterns and move on to find a Dominant who truly understands and embraces his responsibility to love, nurture, care for, inspire, and support his submissive in all she does - right?
Wrong. The most tortuous aspect of these relationships is the way the Dominant draws the submissive in and immerses her in the amazing aspects of the dance. He inspires her to give completely of herself and make herself vulnerable. He preys on her submissive nature - her need to please and to feel loved and appreciated. When pressed - he causes her to feel oppressive, disrespectful, and demanding. Especially if she asks for the truly important caring and support necessary for a bond to thrive.
I have watched beautiful, intelligent, gifted, erotic, motivated girls become infatuated with the dance - fall in love - and be rendered blind to the potentially devastating aspects of neglect and insensitivity.
I doubt any players will ever read this - and I doubt they would pay me any attention if they did. Perhaps I can encourage submissives in this situation to recognize the signs and take actions to protect their hearts and find fulfillment elsewhere.
To any Dominant in a relationship who is devastating his girl with these behaviors:
If you have taken on a submissive as your own in a caring relationship, appreciate what it truly means to be a loving, supportive Dominant.
When you accept a girl’s gift of herself - body, mind, heart, and soul - appreciate just what it takes for a girl to believe in you, love you, and trust you so completely. Only the best Dominants can truly appreciate the strength it takes to do this.
Never - ever - take this for granted. If you do - you will cause her to feel guilty, used, and vulnerable. Remember - you are not here just for the dance. This is not only about great kink and sex whenever you feel like it.
You are your girl’s guardian and the keeper of her heart. Appreciate what you mean to her. You are her Dominant or Master. You may also be her teacher, mentor, adviser, lover, coach, trainer, friend, confidant, dance partner, and soulmate.
Your girl is ultimately responsible for her own happiness and fulfillment. You should inspire her, nurture her, and motivate her to be the best she can be in all she does.
Never forget - you are your girls one true mirror. She primps for you. She works out for you and wants to look her best for you. She yearns to be your hunger, your passion, and your craving. She gives greatly of herself to be able to feel this.
Be the reflection of this love and devotion. Tell her all the ways she is beautiful to you. Compliment her when she works so hard to please - both in the moment - and when you are apart. Let her hear your sounds of joy - and let her always see the love and caring in your eyes.
Be her Dominant - handle with care - and you will be blissfully happy.
© Fringe of Darkness dancingonthefringe, 2013
with thanks to reilangel reilangel for this beautiful photo submission
Long-distance relationships are challenging under the best and simplest of circumstances. Long-distance D/s relationships are even more so because the inability to be in each other’s presence makes most forms of physical dominance and submission nearly impossible. Sure, you can use messages, telephones and web cams in an effort to connect, but for the most part one must rely almost solely on the heart and mind to exert will, elicit response and submission, and generally cement the D/s bond between you. One way to do this is through ritual.
My Muse and I have several very basic rituals that we use to remain close, keep each other at the top of our hearts and minds, and generally maintain a mild but ever-present atmosphere of Dominance and submission. First of all, we always make our communication to one another just about the first and last part of our day. With time zones between us, direct communication is not always possible under those circumstances so messages and email are heavily relied upon. Regardless, our words to one another are generally our very first and last thoughts upon waking and going to sleep respectively.
When communicating, we do not refer to each other solely by our chosen titles of Sir and Muse. At times we use our given names, particularly when communicating on real life matters, or subjects of particular emotional emphasis when it is appropriate to step out of character and just ensure that we are close as people. Sometimes we drift back and forth between the two. But in our morning and evening communications (and many in between) we use the titles, “my Sir” and “my Muse,” continually reinforcing the nature of our relationship.
We have also established other rituals, one of which includes what I loosely refer to as a “daily devotion.” Here, my Muse takes several images of herself over the course of her day and shares them with me by emailing them before bed. The goal is that they should be in a partial or complete state of undress but lets face it, life does not always permit such things so there are days where the images are simply documenting something about her day what she was doing, who she was with. But the goal is to strive for an intimate image. But intimacy does not always imply or require nudity. There are other intimate moments that occur during the course of days emotional moments having nothing to do with sexuality. The visit with a friends’ baby, the brother’s victory at the football game, time spent with a close friend. These are memorable and emotional moments in the life of my Muse every bit as important to me as our D/s bond and sexuality. So they should be and must be shared.
Once in a great while she misses her “daily devotion” and I am quick to correct this. When I do not receive them I feel empty and as though something very important is missing. I also feel as though a rule has been broken, an expectation left unfulfilled. Usually a simple reminder from me is sufficient to make the correction and more often than not there were extenuating circumstances that make it reasonable to forgive the transgression. Most importantly, my Muse holds a deeply rooted desire to please me and there is no need to punish because she punishes herself mentally more than I likely ever could for any failing on her part to please. I have only had to actually punish my Muse on a handful of occasions for and generally for things entirely unrelated to our daily rituals. This is never a pleasant experience for either of us. In many respects we both want to avoid the need for that sort of thing and therefor work to ensure that expectations are clearly communicated and that the measures for her success are well understood. She is in control of the outcome from there and rarely fails.
The “daily devotion” has become an important and integral part of our ability to share with one another from a distance but also to maintain a sense of order and duty in our D/s interaction. There are others to be sure, but I tend to focus on a few that I find most important rather than loading my Muse up with all sorts of minutiae such as rules, rituals, and requirements. She is a busy person and so am I. We do not need to turn our relationship into a chore. But when it comes to her “daily devotion” I do indeed require consistency and compliance. It is good not only for our Dominance and submission, our sexuality and intimacy, but also as simply a means for us to feel closer to one another and more sharing of our days. And, she enjoys taking the photos and pleasing me every bit as much as I enjoy receiving them and the little life stories that accompany them.
I recommend to anyone engaged in a D/s relationship that you give this a try (provided of course that you have the trust in one another not to ever have the pictures shared beyond the two of you). A “daily devotion” is a wonderful way to share in each other and establish a pattern of submission while having some fun in the process.
Enjoy the journey!
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Cassie Mayers
One of the things I find most incredibly erotic is the determination with which a submissive will undertake a task set forth by her Dom. It is then that the strength of her will and character, so freely and completely given to another, is most visually apparent. Her concentration, determination, and desire to see a task through to successful completion and in so doing please her Dom is palpable. The satisfaction in knowing just how proud her Dom is of her, not only for submitting to Him and the task he set forth, but in the exercise of her will against her own self is profound. The submissive needs her Dom to challenge her and draw out her submission. The Dom desires this submission above all else and worships the woman who can give it to him.
A Dominant wants to feel needed
A submissive needs to feel wanted
Apart they are empty shells
Together they are complete and whole
Watch the determination in her eyes as she strives to please and be pleasing and know that therein lies the heart of submission. Appreciate and treasure it for the priceless gift that it is.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Still in Awe
Without wanting to make myself sound too terribly old I must confess that I have been doing this for a while. My first foray into the realm of BDSM and what I later came to understand and nurture as D/s relationships dates back to my days in high school which is a shockingly long time ago. Over those intervening years a lot of people and things have passed through my life. Relationships have blossomed and faded, jobs have come and gone, hobbies ardently undertaken and subsequently cast aside, a child born, raised and grown. But one thing has remained a constant through all of that life lived, one thing has never faded the absolute sense of wonder and awe I feel when a woman chooses to kneel before me and grant me her submission.
I was never a particularly outgoing kid or young adult. I was shy and introverted. I lacked a great deal of self-confidence. I was never the popular guy or the focus of a group of friends. In fact, on the whole, I was a pretty withdrawn fellow and convinced that somehow I must have been in the men’s room when the instruction manual for life was being handed out to the rest of you. I just didn’t feel as though I fit in.
So it is through that warped lens that I first viewed and experienced the notion of Dominance and submission. It still amazes me that anyone would have wanted to submit to someone seemingly so withdrawn and introverted. What dominant characteristics could possibly have been present in sufficient force to attract a woman with submissive desires? Looking back on it, I still cannot fathom it. But it was there. There is no arguing that something deep down under the surface that I did not recognize within myself was evident to a would-be submissive. Seemingly without effort or knowledge on my part, something within me attracted and motivated the submissive side of women in my life.
Over the intervening decades much has changed. I developed a strong sense of self-worth (not arrogance), came to recognize my strengths and more importantly accept my weaknesses, learned that I am every bit as comfortable and uncomfortable as the rest of you. I became more outgoing and confident. Learned to speak with authority where I had something of value to contribute and more importantly learned to shut up and not have to prove anything when I did not. I learned to walk among you instead of behind you. Sometimes, despite my lingering self-doubts, I find myself leading you. I am popular and well-regarded in my profession and community.
But to this day, it still utterly slays me when a beautiful, intelligent, independent, and kind woman comes to me with a desire to submit to be taken. It still gives me a sense of awe that anyone would want to give themselves so completely to another. For all of my learned confidence, I still feel a profound sense of amazement, responsibility, duty, awe, and gratitude every time I find myself in the position of being sought as a Dominant, each and every time someone kneels in genuine humility before me. Yes I know I am worthy of this, yes I know I have a lot to offer, but that never seems to offset the fact that to this day I am astounded when a woman chooses me for this honor over all the other options she might have available to her.
I will share publicly here an experience I had upon first meeting my Muse face-to-face. Ostensibly we met with the intention of acting upon and fulfilling our long-communicated D/s desires for one another. We took things slowly and took the time to visit and get to know and become comfortable with one another rather than simply diving into the deep end of the BDSM pool. Really what we were doing was letting the wonderfully positive emotions of our long-standing but distant relationship sink in and overtake us in person. Allowing the comfort we have always felt with one another at a distance to wash over us and envelop us as a couple in close proximity for a change.
But when we did start to become physically intimate with one another something strange happened. So overcome with gratitude and awe was I that this beautiful and independent woman had come to submit herself completely to my desires (as well as her own) that I was the one who ended up on his knees not in submission per se, but rather in an involuntary act of humility. So awe struck was I standing before her and holding her close that I found myself sinking to my knees at her feet kissing her bare stomach, drawing her tight to me, and staring up into her eyes.
That was a first for me I must say, and I think it took us both by surprise. Yet it was completely natural in that moment. I never did have her kneel before me that night. The very fact that my Muse was there at all was evidence enough of her submission to me. There was no need to ritualize anything. We were there, Dom and sub, and so full of gratitude for the opportunity that all the rules, rituals, toys, and fantasies were simply cast aside for a night permitting ourselves to revel in actually being in one another’s presence. The emotion of the entire experience was so overpowering that we both simply allowed it to overtake us and sweep us away. We laughed, we cried, we panted and sweated, whispered and groaned. Muscles clenched and bodies shook. We gave and we took. Above all, we shared.
She never did kneel for me during our first encounter though she gladly would have and has since. I did not ask her to. Her submission was complete the moment she drove up the driveway. She held absolutely nothing back and neither did I.
But that sense of amazement…that feeling of complete humility at having another human being give themselves over to me without reservation, fear, doubt, or regret there is nothing like it in the world. It doesn’t matter how many times I have experienced it or at what stage in my life, it always feels like the first time because it is. It is never the same twice. And this time, so overcome with emotion and humility was I that it was the Dom doing the kneeling for a change rather than the sub.
Yes, well into mid-life, I am still completely in awe…
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Vit Kovalcik
Blinded By What We See
Sometimes it is only when we close our eyes that we are truly able to see so very true in life as in BDSM. Often we are so conditioned by the influences of every day life, and that which has become so normal and common place to us, that we utterly fail to see the magic within and around us. We are so busy seeing that we forget how to feel.
We judge everything by our eyes. We judge how other’s look and draw significant inferences about how they must “be” simply by their appearance. We judge ourselves just as harshly, or perhaps even more so, with our own eyes. We are so intent on looking at ourselves and one another that we fail to actually connect with ourselves and other people. Again, we forget how to feel.
When we close our eyes or have our eye sight taken momentarily away, we engage in a guided journey of the other senses. We feel in physical ways what we tend to take for granted when so focussed on our eyesight. But perhaps more importantly, we actually begin to feel ourselves. We become attuned to the sensations within us and the clues and cues to how we are really feeling. We become acutely aware of right and wrong, pleasure and pain, good and bad. We feel our body react to emotions and physical stimulus that we so often ignore. We actually become in touch with ourselves in a way we do not on a day-to-day basis.
You can see here that I am really not talking about BDSM and D/s as much as I am about life in general. Sometimes we are so busy putting one foot in front of the other just getting by throughout our day, existing in the same old relationships, slogging through the same old jobs, that we miss entirely the clues and cues of what is right and proper in our lives. We miss the opportunities and evidence of directions we should take. We are so busy seeing the familiar that we fail to feel the opportunity of the new. We gravitate to what is comfortable instead of feeling our way to and through the new and unfamiliar, even though our bodies are screaming at us to take the turn, make the choice, change course, or just revel in acceptance of what is. In looking for our answers we fail to feel the answers that are right there inside of us.
So close your eyes or revel behind that blindfold. Your body will tell you everything you need to know about how you feel, where you are in life at that very moment, and where you ought to be going. Acceptance so much a part of submission is a matter of being at peace with where you are, where you are going, who you are with, and how you feel about things. Submission is also the ultimate form of trust. Submit to another and submit to yourself. Give yourself to another but give in to your own feelings too. Trust yourself. Close your eyes and see, perhaps for the first time in your life. See who you are, how you feel, how those around you make you feel, and let your body tell you where you should be and with whom. Your eyes haven’t got a clue. So shut them down and just feel. Just feel.
All will become apparent when you stop looking for the answers and just feel.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
It’s not always floggers and paddles, cuffs and collars. It’s not always kneeling and crawling, pleasing and being pleased. Often, simply being in one another’s company is all the intimacy we need. Yet even in these quiet moments as equals together, reading our books, exploring on our computers, or simply watching television, our roles are clear and unambiguous just as we want them to be.
Sure I give you the reins now and then in the bedroom, let you take control for a little while. Giving pleasure after all is one of your greatest rewards. But even in these moments when you are seemingly on top, there is no question beneath it all who is the Dom and who is the sub. We play at trading places now and then in our actions yet it is only by permission, spoken or unspoken. There is still a questioning glance, a desire expressed, and ultimate acquiescence. But it is only temporary and conditional, just as we want it to be. No one is really trading places. No roles are really ever truly exchanged. It is mutual agreement but only for this moment. Soon, we will be right back to our usual selves, the place we default to, even in the most mundane of activities.
We instinctually take on the Dominant and submissive roles. We view one another as quals yet there it always is deference, respect, and submission on your part authority, confidence and respectful adoration on mine. Equal opposites. We don’t know any other way between us. So even as we sit together, walk together, dine together, or just simply hold one another, my dominance and your submission is in evidence.
Perhaps the casual observer would not notice the subtle interplay between us. After all, you are not groveling at my feel and I in no way behave in a domineering manner toward you. It is in the little things we do. The eye contact, the way we hold hands, the way I hold you, the way you position yourself when sitting beside me or laying on my lap. We talk as equals. We are equally respectful of one another and equally brash with one another in our sarcastic humor. But its always there just below the surface my Dominance and your submission.
This is who we are. This is how we are meant to be. We are content in these roles because in our own way we each feel both empowered and safe with one another. Comfortable. For perhaps the first time in our respective lives we find ourselves able to be our genuine selves. My Dominance, your submission. Yin and Yang. Opposite sides of the same coin. We fit together in a way we have never known before, and that comes out subtly in everything that we do.
One does not always have to command to be dominant. One does not always have to serve to be submissive. When we just assume our natural postures, fall into our natural comfort zones, there is no question who is Dominant and who is submissive.
We would have it no other way.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image from the movie “East of Eden”, 1955
I can be like an open wound at times … emoting in every direction … to the point of excess … perhaps not my most endearing quality … but I try to see that it is always offered with an element of honesty at least … so I guess it is what it is … especially given that it’s unlikely to change …
He on the other hand is like the king of reticence … keeping his thoughts a perpetual mystery … an unsolvable puzzle …
I can tell you the weirdest thing though … not really a new thought … and certainly not some original epiphany I discovered on my own … but worth repeating in any case …
A friend of mine that I was chatting with made an interesting comment last night … and what he basically said was “the dom is never really the dom” …
One of the first things I noticed … a small thing that particularly struck me anyway … was that he didn’t capitalize Dom the way most compulsively do … a lot can be said in subtle ways sometimes …
But I also saw that he was and is quite right … I’ve long been able to see it … have at times said things to this effect myself in various ways … understanding around the edges at least … but his off hand comment made me focus on the truth of it again …
It’s the reason we go on … he and I … despite all the issues that arise for us on account of age and circumstance … despite the distance between us … and regardless of who does all the emoting and who doesn’t … underneath we both know it …
We agree to our roles … have essentially done so instinctively and implicitly from the first moment we met … we find comfort in that hierarchy … with him in the lead … and me following …
But who really pulls the strings … who emotes endlessly … albeit mostly in written form … while he just listens … who demands attention … and just by the fact that he stays in my life … who always gets it … who has taken the time to tend to the care and feeding of a sometimes basket case … when not a thing on this earth has ever required that he either had to or should …
I like to say that he had me at hello … but the truth is I also had him … the structure we create merely seeks to reverse that reality … because we both need to feel it so …
Women have the power … the power to create desire and bring pleasure … at times even without much thought or effort … and yet by her own will … through the force of her own imagination and determination of purpose … a woman can have an even greater power … in the choice to give that power over to the man she loves … for no other reason than because this is where her own joy and happiness can be found … there is no feeling more wonderful …
This is true D/s … emotionally and mentally … the beauty of the sexual connection that can then exist merely flows from that reality … the sex by itself is never what creates the bond … it is rather in the caring … the friendship … and the trust … those things must come first if the power is ever to flow …
Which is why I stay … why I do what I do …
I know where the desire is … I know where the power is … and I know what I want … who I choose …
A True Dom? - A Tongue-In-Cheek Self-Examination
I admit, I get a little annoyed when I see titles that are somehow designed to set someone apart or make them seem superior. Members of the BDSM community spend a lot of needless time end effort, in my opinion, trying to distinguish their particular flavor of lifestyle or kink from someone else’s who is harsher or more sensuous or somehow just plain more legitimate than the next guy. Basically, I find the efforts to label rather tiresome.
But then along comes the Dom who needs to distinguish himself and show some unique quality or characteristic that makes him more dominant or better qualified to lead a submissive than the next guy the “True Dom.” Wow! I am not sure what qualifications one has to have or what degree one needs to earn in order to rise to that rank and title but it sure sounds impressive. Maybe some day I can aspire to that. Who knows?
So as I sit here sipping my Monday morning coffee, I am pondering what traits might make one qualified to be a “True Dominant” and how much work I might need to put in to achieve such a lofty position in my D/s life. As I look around Tumblr and elsewhere I see lots of images and words of what might make for a prototypical “True Dom.” Based on that alone I have a long way to go.
Let’s look at the wardrobe. I don’t wear leather pants and only put on leather boots and chaps when I ride my motorcycle…typically I do not wear them in the bedroom or elsewhere. Hmmm…strike one. My suits are not custom tailored in London, Paris or Milan but rather come from Brooks Brothers and J.C. Penney. I do own a rather nice tux but it only comes out for black tie dinners, usually for work. Hmmm…strike two. Accessories. Wow, I am really lacking in that department. My watch is not a Rolex. Hell I don’t even carry a watch any more my watch is an iPhone. I do not own any studded collars or leather wrist cuffs. I don’t own any dark sinister looking sunglasses. Heck, I don’t even have any good jewelry, piercings or body art. Looks like I have a long and expensive road ahead of me to qualify on that score. Strike three…next batter.
Well then, let’s look at toys and play spaces. Hmm…it seems that a “True Dom” would have a dark and scary dungeon or at least some richly paneled room with deep mood lighting. Hell, not only do I not have a dungeon, I don’t even have a basement! Dig a basement where I live and you have what is commonly referred to as a swimming pool. I do have a guest room but uh, it is generally used for guests. It would be hard to explain the rack, cross, horse, and a wall of floggers, whips and crops to the visiting friend or family member. Oh, I do have a large walk-in closet with some very strong hangar rods to which someone could be tied but it would require moving a lot of clothes first. Well, strike one. What about all those implements of torture and discipline that a “True Dom” surely must have? I have a couple of toy drawers but you are not going to find a collection of hand made floggers, cuffs, and whips in there. My crops come from the local tack shop and the toys are pretty standard J.T.’s Stockroom stuff. I have some appropriately sized rope, some velcro padded wrist and ankle cuffs, a couple of rather nice blindfolds and a lovely collection of silk neckties to accompany a reasonable selection of off-the-shelf glass toys and vibrators. I don’t think any self-respecting “True Dom” would be caught dead with any of these, though I do have a Hitachi. I suppose the Hitachi is a start but still…strike two. I have no elaborate places to stretch, pin, or hang a sub. I have no cross on the wall no tie down hard points on the floor, wall, ceiling, bed, or chairs no horse to bend a sub over and no elaborate sex enhancing cushions, swings, or slings. I do have four solid posts at the corners of my bed, a free-standing couch to bend her over, and a wonderful high backed upholstered chair with no arms perfect for draping her across my lap if that counts. Hmm…still doesn’t sound very “True Dom” like. Strike three. Next batter.
So what about my physique and how I carry myself? Based on the images I see and the words I read, a “True Dom” must be like a combination of Marlon Brando, the Marlboro Man and James Bond with maybe a touch of the Grim Reaper thrown in. Simultaneously rough and tumble, suave and sophisticated, dark and mysterious, but definitely in command at all times. I bear absolutely no resemblance to any of the aforementioned characters. I am average height, above average weight, bald and have my share of body hair. I have never seen anyone who looks remotely like me in any image on Tumblr. Strike one. I do not often turn women’s heads when I enter a room either by my physical presence or force of personality in fact I can’t remember the last time that happened. A “True Dom” would surely have every woman in the room kneeling before he even crossed the threshold. Strike two. Surely a “True Dom” must be a leader not only of subs but of men. He must be the most charismatic guy around to whom not only submissive women but men of stature demure and defer. Hmm…I have a pretty good title at work but I do not lead any employees, I don’t hold officer positions in my volunteer fire company, and generally I blend into a crowd and work with the team as opposed to emerging as the natural leader. Wow, there is no possible way I could be a “True Dom” under those circumstances. I am not a leader of men how could I possibly be worthy of a submissive giving herself over to me heart, mind, body and spirit? Strike three…the side is retired. Game over.
Or is it?
The funny thing is that despite all these seeming handicaps and impediments to being a “True Dom”, I find myself to be rather consistently successful at it. How can this possibly be? Doesn’t it take the physique, charisma, bluster, bravado, apparel and trappings to be a good and successful Dom? Can an overweight middle-aged guy in off-brand jeans and a volunteer fire company t-shirt be a Dom worthy of kneeling before? Apparently so.
So if it is not all the things I lack that a woman would choose to give herself over to, what is it?
Its the one thing we all have but too few put to good use. The mind. The imagination. Awareness and empathy. The ability to anticipate needs and desires and to meet them. The ability to read others and speak and behave in a way that make someone feel comfortable and confident enough to want to give themselves utterly and completely to another. The ability to be respectful and respected. Possess these qualities and use them wisely and with integrity and it seems quite plausible that a “Dom” will find himself accompanied by a willing, eager, and devoted submissive. None of the other stuff seems to matter…not even a little bit. Or at least that is my experience.
So perhaps I lack a certain level of self-awareness and do not fully recognize in myself the qualities that would draw an intelligent, strong-willed, yet deeply devoted submissive to me. Yet there she is, my Muse beautiful, sexy, sensuous, erotic, intelligent, strong-minded, and utterly devoted. I draw out a side of her that has never emerged before and that no one else has ever seen. She gives to me and does for me things she has never imagined, let alone done before. I inspire confidence and trust sufficient for her to bare not only her body but her soul to me. She allows herself to be vulnerable and exposed on every conceivable level. She trusts me, she yearns for me, she kneels for me, she desperately desires to please me, and we share a bond unlike any other in our respective lives. In turn, I am utterly devoted to her.
This didn’t just happen. I didn’t just stroll in one day and she dropped to her knees begging me to take her as my submissive. Nope. She took the time and made the effort to get to know me over a long period of time. She read carefully everything I had written and listened to everything I had to say in our months of messages back and forth and many conversations. She took measure of me and gauged my character and integrity. She found my mind to be sexy and desirable and found herself kneeling mentally long before we ever knew what each other looked like or had met face-to-face. She submitted completely and without reservation within the bounds of our hard limits in her mind long before her knees ever touched the floor. The words “Mine” and “Yours” were exchanged solely on the basis of our minds. The bodies simply followed along willingly and dutifully.
So much of what I write about on my For The Love of a Submissive blog is about the mental and emotional side of D/s because that is where I live. It seems I can have a very successful and gratifying D/s relationship solely on the basis of two minds coming together. Shortly thereafter is seems that two hearts follow and the bodies are not far behind. We feel. We communicate. We share. We do for each other what no one else can. Without even really thinking about it, we complete each other when we sink into our respective roles as Dom and Sub. It is effortless. We just go there with each other, and for each other, and no one else.
So does the fact that I can do this without all the appearance, charisma, wardrobe and trappings make me a “True Dom?” I don’t really care. My Muse and I exist successfully as Dom and sub in the world that we create for one another and nothing else much matters. A D/s relationship is as unique as the two people within it. It can be anything you want it to be and no one has to label it or you. As long as you and your D/s partner are getting everything you need mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, who really cares what you call it or where you fit in the complex scheme of the BDSM hierarchy?
I am a “True Dom” to the only person that matters in this equation My Muse. What other people think of me is none of my business.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Trust and D/s
At first glance I love this image. I know of no sensual Dom who is not moved to their core by their submissive kneeling before them with a will of their own. Willing submission is perhaps the most powerful display of devotion I can think of and at times can render me speechless and trembling in awe of the power that is bestowed upon me.
But look closer at this image and you might see something else. The beautifully kneeling subject of this image is not fully relaxed in complete submission but instead is a little rigid and stiff. Indeed rather than looking down in a relaxed state of submissive repose, she is glancing back toward the observer. Curious? Expectant? Longing? Or perhaps it is something more serious. Perhaps it is concern, nervousness, or even touch of fear.
I write often of the emotional side of a D/s relationship and the incredible connection that can be felt between two partners who choose to open themselves to the possibilities that BDSM can bring to their lives. But before there can be any truly meaningful or complete exchange of power between partners there must first be absolute and unreserved trust. This trust does not come easily or overnight. You cannot simply talk about D/s a little, complete a BDSM checklist setting limits and boundaries, establish a safe word, and call it good. Those are all steps in the process to be sure and are a part of building a trust bond with a D/s partner. But before anyone can truly open themselves to being vulnerable (Doms and subs alike) there must be a level of comfort, compatibility, safety, and confidence, none of which can exist in any meaningful measure without absolute trust.
Building trust in any interpersonal relationship takes time and consistent honorable action that leads to being a trustworthy person. It means matching your words and your deeds, being present and respectful, and not placing yourself above others. In the online world where people engage virtually with one another it can be quite challenging. It is so easy to portray yourself as something you are not or simply create a fantasy world having little or no resemblance to the reality of one’s own life. Equally and opposite, trust can often be taken for granted because somehow online interaction has a level of anonymity to it and is not viewed as being “real.” I am here to caution you that trust is just as important in the online world of relationships as it is in real life. The emotions and feelings that are evoked by online relationships are very real and very powerful, every bit as much as they can be in a face-to-face relationship sometimes even more. And at some point, the truth always comes out and if you have not been genuine and completely honest about who and what you are, how you genuinely feel, or what you want out of a relationship, then someone is going to be hurt, perhaps quite badly.
Without integrity and trust there can be no willing exchange of power. If a Dom is not trusted then any “submission” that occurs is likely to be out of fear or a sense of pressure. This is, in fact, not submission at all but rather a reaction to manipulation and coercion. That is a very dangerous and toxic environment in which to engage in BDSM play of any kind. A D/s relationship involves giving of each other, heart, mind, body and spirit. It is not simply a physical expression of power exchange but a deeply emotional one. Or at least it should be to my way of thinking. And, it is actually far easier to give one’s body over to another in a less than trusting environment then it is to allow access to the heart, mind and spirit. We protect those inner most parts of ourselves deeply and only give someone access to them when we are completely comfortable which means completely trusting. In absence of giving over these most intimate parts of our being though, all we have is the potential for rough sex play, not a true D/s relationship.
I realize that my views are not universally held, and everyone is entitled to their own approach to BDSM. Plenty of folks play casually and do not mix messy things like emotions into their BDSM play time. And that is perfectly alright as long as both partners approach it from the same perspective. But even then, there has to be a level of integrity and trust, adherence to the ground rules, or no one is going to let go and embrace the potential power of a scene.
My approach is one of developing a genuine relationship with a D/s partner, one that often spans months before ever really delving into a deep exploration of the Dominant and submissive roles. We get to know each other as people first and foremost, and from that fundamental level of trust at a friendship level we can then begin to grow the deeper trust necessary to be comfortable submitting and accepting submission. In essence, we grow into the roles together versus simply accepting at face value that I am a Dom and she is a sub and therefore we should be able to just go play. It simply does not work that way, at least not for me.
From my perspective, D/s is the art of taking successful relationship building to a higher plane. It is building on the friendship and elevating it to a level of trust and acceptance where we can permit ourselves to be completely vulnerable with one another and thus expose our deepest yearnings, desires and fears, allowing them to be explored and even played with by another. This is tough stuff and not something that anyone is going to gain access to overnight or just because they say “Take me, I am yours” or “Kneel before me, I am you Master.” No, there are many miles to walk together before those words can take on any true meaning, let alone be acted upon with genuine intent and acceptance.
Trust is the foundation of all human relationships and is very difficult to gain. It is also very easy to lose. Not respecting a partner’s limits, whether physical or emotional, is a sure way to lose trust immediately. But there are others that are less obvious and more insidious. The little white lies you may have told to each other in an effort to win each other over always become exposed eventually. Each may seem tiny and insignificant, but one-by-one, they add up to a death by a thousand cuts. And with each little nick, the message is subconsciously received that this partner is untrustworthy on the little things and therefor cannot be trusted with the big things such as personal physical safety, or perhaps most difficult of all, emotional security.
Successful BDSM and D/s relationships are all about the little things. Its about noticing and acting upon the smallest physical, emotional and non-verbal cues. Its about reading a partner and responding appropriately. Many of the most successful practitioners are genuine empaths who can read, interpret, and respond to other people. The problem is that often those who are most endowed with these inherent traits and skills are also social chameleons and highly skilled manipulators. They will read their partner like a book but then manipulate them and change behavior to achieve a desired outcome. There is a fine line between being empathetic and responsive and being manipulative and coercive a fine line between being an attentive partner and being a sociopath. Honesty, integrity, intent, and trust are what stands between the two.
Whether in-person, online, or a crossover between the two, D/s relationships require the utmost in comfort and trust between two partners. If you are catching a partner in lies or have reason to disbelieve their representation of themselves and their desires for you then you have no business handing over the very essence of your being to them. Don’t just walk, run for the nearest exit! However, if you can build the level of trust necessary to truly expose your inner most being to another and know with certainty that they will cradle it lovingly in their hands, nurturing and fostering its growth, then you are on to something very special and have found a partner who will give you opportunities for exploration, insight, and pleasure like no other. For me, it is the pinnacle of human relations.
Be worthy of that which you seek.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Just Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the….
My Muse and I live a continent apart and life conspires to keep us apart more than either of us would like. The extended time and distance between us can offer challenges to maintaining an air of Dominance and submission on a day-to-day basis, especially with the pressures of family, job, education and other commitments that must be accommodated and balanced. Many of the tools of D/s that work so well in person such as a look, a gesture, a tone, or a verbal command simply are not available to us on a daily basis. When a submissive cannot literally and figuratively kneel in person it falls to the Dominant to find new and creative ways to keep submission present in daily life. I readily admit that I can fall short in this arena.
When a submissive does not feel that they are being of value to their Dominant, or not being sufficiently of service, they feel cast adrift. A melancholy loneliness, or even uncertainty about their place in the relationship sets in. The old saying that a submissive needs to feel wanted and a Dominant wants to feel needed comes to mind. When life, time, and distance conspire to overtake the fulfillment of these wants and needs things can start to drift or even decay in the relationship. A feeling of emptiness and uselessness creeps in and that can lead to no good in a D/s relationship.
There are many little strategies for keeping interest and awareness alive in the heart and mind of a submissive in a long-distance relationship. I have previously written about daily devotion pictures, daily approval of the choice of undergarments, requirements for periodic videos and little challenges issued here and there. Occasionally dropping “suggestions” such as not wearing panties on a given day, running a particular errand, cooking a certain meal, or engaging in a certain activity that pleases the Dominant are the norm. There are often ongoing expectations that may be a part of a protocol between Dom and sub such as standards of personal hygiene and dress, maintenance of the cleanliness of vehicles or personal space, expectations for exercise or other health-related matters. Now and then it is always fun to suggest that a submissive drop what they are doing, retreat to the nearest bathroom and edge or pleasure themselves (with appropriate visual documentation of course…aren’t smart phones wonderful?). Dice or the minting dates on coins are convenient sources for determining the number of times a pussy might be patted/spanked versus a clit being rubbed in repeated succession and for how long, or whether one might be permitted to cum or not. Oh the games people play! There is no end to the imagination that can be employed if we make the effort to use it.
But sometimes little challenges just are not appropriate due to the company or circumstances. Sometimes these little games can grow tiresome or even repetitive. Sometimes a submissive just wants to be held and reminded of the strength and protection they have given themselves over to and so long to feel nothing particularly sexualized or kinky, just a reminder of their devotion and submission.
My Muse wears a “day collar” every day when we are not together and her real collar cannot be worn. This day collar, which is really just a necklace and pendant that I chose for her, speaks to no one else but us. It is a present reminder of our relationship and the collar she wears for me. But even such totems, worn every day without fail, can become second nature and not something that is thought about throughout the day. In times of need, other means must be derived to heighten awareness when it feels as though the D/s bond between us might be slipping.
One of my favorite such means is a simple bow tied around a nipple. This is not meant to be either a sexual stimulant or painful. Indeed, a soft string or piece of yarn tied fairly loosely so as not to cut off circulation or cause discomfort can be fairly readily forgotten throughout the day. As a nipple goes soft under a bra the fear becomes having the bow slip off, as opposed to inadvertently turning a nipple purple. But even this forces periodic checking by the submissive to be sure all is still in order, a regular and continuing reminder of why the bow is there and who it represents.
Of course, just as the strength of a Dominant’s will over a submissive can ebb and flow, so too can the pressure of the bow. Say for example that a submissive becomes negligent in their duties, willful, or otherwise departs from desired norms. The bow can always be tightened for a time as a more clear and present reminder of the presence and will of the Dominant and the role and place of the submissive. This can be done even in the company of family or professional associates because it is unobtrusive and undetectable under normal outer garments. A quick trip to the powder room or behind a closed door is all that is required to increase the pressure and thus presence and awareness of the Dominant’s hand or will. Naturally, one must not leave this for too long as circulation must never be cut off for prolonged periods. But the point will get across I assure you. It is after all more of a mental exercise than physical reminder.
There are other similar strategies for maintaining presence and awareness as limitless as the imagination. Decorative plugs, ben-wa balls, or even a simple glass marble tucked between nether lips as panties are donned for the day are simple reminders of ownership and devotion. And they need not involve sexual organs either. A string around a finger, hair worn a certain way, a particular shade of nail polish or lipstick, or a particular item of clothing. Any simple command that exerts the will of the Dominant and sparks the devotion and obedience of the submissive is all that is required to send subtle but ongoing affirmations of the place each occupies in their D/s relationship.
The hard part is consistency, especially in a long-distance relationship. It is so easy to fall into ruts so simple to let the pressures of the day overtake what is most important in life, so tempting to fall back on the loving and caring nature of the relationship at the loss of the Dominance and submission that might have brought you together in the first place. A D/s relationship can subtly slip into being a pretty vanilla one without constant care and feeding, thought and creativity, and effort. Above all, effort.
So I am writing this post not solely for the benefit of others but as a reminder to myself that it is my responsibility to keep the spark alive in my own D/s relationship. Love, trust and devotion have always been the watch words of my relationship with my Muse and they continue to be. But sometimes the balance gets lost. Sometimes I feel more loving and caring and less dominant and commanding. Yes, while many will not admit it, Dominants sometimes just want to be held and cared for too. Sometimes, love is indeed enough. But not at the expense of the devotion that is so much a part of our relationship inherent in my Dominance and her submission.
So today I am rededicating myself to making the effort not only to love and cherish my Muse but also retain that spark we both love so much that stems from our respective roles of Dominant and submissive.
May you find the same.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2014
Image Credit Unknown
Direction and Acceptance
One of the many joys of being a Dom and experiencing the submission of a willing accomplice is the ability to direct the action. I do not mean barking orders or having my way physically with a sub. No, what I am referring to in this instance is the ability to direct her actions upon herself when she is her own tormentor, ravisher, or enchanter acting solely in response to my thoughts and words. It is a grown-up version of playing the puppeteer, pulling the strings of the marionette. This is not your father’s cheesy puppet show though no early black and white television Kukla, Fran and Ollie is this. No, this is very real, and highly erotic.
In life, we all want to be the producer, director and leading actor of our own play. If only all the other actors would just do as they were told, would read the script we have written for them, say their lines on cue. If only the scenery were just so, everything would be perfect! We would be completely happy. Trouble is, not only do the other actors in real life not read our lines on cue they have their own scripts, and their own plays where they are the star. How dare they! So we rail against life and struggle to get everyone in their positions on cue, reciting the lines we have prepared for them. Rarely if ever does it work. If only we possessed the acceptance of a submissive.
In the parallel universe we call D/s, we can actually construct the stage and set, write the script and musical score, and direct the action and dialogue as we so desire. But it takes a willing accomplice, a submissive that shares the same vision and is willing to apply the extreme level of acceptance to our direction that would seemingly serve us all so well in life. In so doing, she fulfills many of her own desires but also her Dom’s wish to exercise absolute control, or at least revel in the illusion of doing so. The curtain goes up, the Dom directs and the sub plays her part.
This is particularly poignant when I direct my Muse to act not upon me but upon herself for better or worse. It is one thing to direct her to please me in some way, but directing her to please or deny herself takes submission to an entirely different level. Not only must she act upon my direction but also must exhibit the will to suffer or revel in the sensations brought by her own hand. Start, stop. Faster, slower. Harder, softer. I command the action and pace, she performs the deed and experiences the consequences, gladly, willingly, and submissively.
This to me is one of the extreme forms of submission and indeed requires a remarkable level of simultaneous self-will and acceptance on the part of a submissive. It is a powerful paradox that she displays the will to carry out the deed by her own hand and the acceptance to tolerate its effects, all in response to my wishes. Can there be anything more rewarding than this for a Dom? This is not about my physical gratification this is about extreme mental and emotional gratification.
Sure, every Dom wants to get his rocks off and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. Who doesn’t? But the real depth, the real joy for me is in the thrill and sense of honor, duty and responsibility I feel when my Muse propels herself into these most submissive moments. My proverbial living puppet.
But what cannot be sensed and enjoyed from a mere puppet is the very human reaction such experiences bring. The ecstasy and delicious frustration as I command her to please herself, edging or peaking over and over again, permitting unrelenting pleasure while denying desperately sought release. Or conversely the agony and relentless desire for cessation when I direct her to pinch here or squeeze there, harder and harder, as the pain tries desperately to overcome the will. I love to observe the internal struggle played out across her face between self-will and self-preservation whether in pain or pleasure, most likely a mixture of both. This is when I experience her submission in one of its richest and deepest forms. This is when she gives herself to me as no other can or would. This is when I feel a depth of gratitude for her indescribable.
For a brief time, I am actually the director and producer of my own play, yet never the leading actor. That honor has always been, and will always be, reserved for none other than my Muse.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
The utter submission of clasped elbows behind her back and the absolute control exhibited by his hand placement immediately catches my eye. But it is what this image cannot convey that most captivates me and leads me to identify with it. The whisper. The hoarse low commands, statements, threats and desires breathily uttered in her ear. It is not the firm grasp on her jaw or the probing fingers at her sex that freezes her in this tableau of submission. It is his words.
Whispered utterances have such greater impact than barked commands. They irrepressibly march their way into her ear and thence to her mind throwing a switch of submission like no other. And the words need not be lengthy or particularly articulate provided they are delivered with intensity of feeling and from the heart.
Perhaps he is telling her that she is to stand there while he fingers her clit endlessly and that she is neither to cum or collapse to the floor in the process. Perhaps he is telling her how he is going to own her and take her for the rest of the evening. Perhaps he is telling her how she is his good girl or conversely how she has fallen down in his expectations of her. Perhaps he is in fact telling her how she will be punished for her transgressions and why.
These little speeches have a time and place and can certainly lead to memorable experiences of sexual dominance and submission. They can set the tone and establish the mood. They can be loving and tender or harsh and abrasive. But they need never be loud. The message is well delivered and often best received nearly soto voce.
But I find that few things can throw the proverbial switch of submission in the mind of my Muse more quickly and completely then a simple controlling physical gesture combined with a single word whispered with the utmost feeling and intensity. A single word that can propel us from our vanilla existence where she is not so terribly submissive and I am not so terribly dominant to our respective roles of absolute power exchange. Four small letters that when delivered from my lips to her ear instantly changes everything about us and we become our other selves the ones we do not let out of the shadows except with each other. A single word that marks the bright line between everyday life and our special place where all the rules are different and yet ever so comfortable.
A single whispered word.
A parallel universe inhabited.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Releasing Our Inner Freak
I cannot help but chuckle as those words flow out of my fingertips and onto the screen. Our inner freak. Ha! Let’s face it, we all have one…every single one of us…or we would not be here right now. That’s right, everyone one of the thousands of people who follow this blog has a raging inner freak just dying to be released. Some of us do it better than others. Some of us only dream of actually living the life that our inner freak proposes. And a few still deny that the little freak is even there at all.
I use the term inner freak cautiously because to most, the word freak implies deviance someone who lives outside the norms of society. Something to be stared at behind the hawkers’ curtain at the carnival. You know, the three armed man or the six legged woman with three vaginas just awaiting to serve your pleasure. Step right up ladies and gentlemen for the most amazing spectacle on the Earth!
That is not my inner freak and it is probably not yours either. My inner freak is quite normal thank you very much…he is just a little different than the me you see on the outside. My inner freak is really quite lovable. He is like Bugs Bunny meets the Tasmanian Devil meets the Marquis de Sade. My freak is smart, happy, funny, sexy, eager, just a little wild and even a little more dark and diabolical. He lurks in the shadows of my outwardly professional and staid exterior. He only comes out to play when I feel really comfortable with someone…when the level of trust is sufficiently high…when I am certain that he will not make you run away or stand and scoff. My inner freak can be shy and retiring most of the time. He hangs back waiting for the right one to come along and welcome him into the light. But when he comes out, oh boy, the fun really begins!
So we all have this freak waiting to be released. It does not matter what mask we wear on the outside gang banger or librarian, doctor or ditch digger, parent (grandparent?) or wild-eyed teen, we all have that other self aching to express its feelings in fantasy, words and deeds. Some never get beyond the fantasy and that is a shame really. Others finds ways to anonymously express their inner freak, as evidenced by the thousands of personal blogs out there that dance on the fringe of freakiness or even dive in head first. But for the brave and fortunate few who actually step beyond the confines of their fantasies or their blogs, there is a brave new world awaiting (with apologies to Aldous Huxley).
Huxley wrote of hedonism and the dangers of self-gratification and there is much to be learned there and applied here. For me though, the one who comes along and can free my inner freak is in fact my Soma. I live for it. I work for it. I blog for it. Finding that other person who can release my other self and for whom I can do the same is the most wonderful of rewards. And it is addictive. Strikingly so. It is my Soma, my drug, my happy place. When my inner freak meets my outer self and we finally act as one, I feel whole, complete, at peace. The one who draws out my normally reserved freak and helps marry him to my external self gets the whole package…the whole me. They get to experience the full power of everything I am…and, for a change, so do I. And that is worth pursuing and working for.
But how does this happen? How does someone come along and draw out my little freak? Do they just walk up when I least expect it and say “Hey, I bet you have a really cool inner freak and I want to party with him?” Hell no! It takes work. Lots and lots of work. Cultivating relationships. Listening. Gaining trust and respect. Building a mutual space of comfort where little-by-little we can feel safe being vulnerable for a while, actively working to draw out each other’s inner freak. Then, and only then does my crazy little freak peer from behind the shadows and step cautiously out to play. But I have to do the hard work. I have to create the space and the comfort. Its not the big bang, rather more like a slow reveal. But when I do the work, and someone else comes along who tries just as hard as I am, look out! The freaks come out to play and the sparks are going to fly! Its like the excitement of running out of class on the last day of the school year. The ultimate summer vacation finding my playmate, grasping her by the hand and running out into the warm sunshine.
So I say to anyone who takes the time to read this, let your freak out to play. Do the hard work necessary to build the relationships with others that gives you the comfort and safety to let that other self come out and become married to your outer self even just for a little while…even just behind closed doors. I promise you, with the right other freak by your side, you will experience joys previously unknown and perhaps feel whole and complete for the first time in your life.
So get your freak on and go exploring…you will be amazed at what you learn about your self.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Sunny Leone
We have rules galore, we Doms do. We have codes of conduct, accepted means of being addressed, expectations of proper speech and behavior, rigid norms for compliance and consequences for non-compliance. We expect that our submissives adhere to these rules and be respectful of us at all times. But a submissive is not an automaton. She is flesh and blood, and above all, human. She may be submissive but she still has a personality, at least any woman does that I would desire as my Muse.
So it becomes a matter of degree how submissive a submissive is expected to be, and it will be different in every relationship. I think the first time I walked the path of trying to be a dom I tended to be authoritarian and expect complete submission. Anything less, and I felt my sub was being disrespectful and a challenge to my authority. In these first tentative experiences I lacked confidence and my ego was bruised if I were subject to back talk, sarcasm, defiant looks, or just a little passive aggressive behavior seeking to gain the upper hand. Each instance seemed like an affront that had to be met with rapid and stern intervention. I was no dom at all at that point, I was just pretending to be one…trying it on for size. We all start somewhere.
Today I feel much differently. Perhaps it is the passage of years that have worn a groove of comfort into my being, self-confidence gained over a lifetime. Perhaps it is experience and the recognition that I do not have to be all-powerful to be powerful enough. For whatever reason, I now realize that it is just fine to encourage my submissive to be herself and permit her vanilla side to surface now and then, within bounds. She will always test the waters, press a little here and there, see how I may react. And by letting her do so, we have more fun and can in fact be playful and joyful with one another. It is not a challenge to my authority or capability as a Dom. In fact, it is an open invitation to do something about it that gives me the power to decide when, where, and under what circumstances. It is almost a greater form of power the power of restraint as well as action.
Most of the time I simply accept that this playful and verbal tendency of my sub is just a part of who we are…a most beautiful and joyous part. And sometimes I allow it because it gives me reason, at any point in time to respond and put a stop to it. Indeed it is just a permanent excuse for me to be able to pull her across my knee at any given moment, rub her bottom lecturing about her cheeky and disrespectful ways, turn her ass a rosy shade of pink, and subsequently probe her hot wet folds turning pleas for mercy into pleadings for merciful release.
Perhaps it really is not about growing up or growing wiser after all. Perhaps it is simply a matter of becoming craftier. Age and treachery wins out over youth and enthusiasm every time. Freedom of expression is a wonderful thing, and by allowing my sub the wiggle room to express herself, I am also giving her all the scope she needs to hang herself. In this case the judge, jury and executioner is me, and I can be a most capricious arbiter of justice. Her choice of words, her look or her tone of voice forms the noose, my lap is the gallows, and my hand the executioner. But every now and then the executioner is also the savior turning stinging penance into ecstatic salvation.
So go ahead and take all the latitude you like my Muse, express yourself and test the boundaries to your hearts’ content. You know the consequences as well as I do, you just do not know when they will be prevailed upon you.
So enjoy yourself, I’ll be sure to let you know when you have gone too far.
My cheeky one.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Among the many joys I experience as a Dom is the empowerment to simply take my time and truly enjoy the beauty of an experience. No longer do I feel rushed to embrace a moment before it passes me by. No longer do I feel a desperation to grasp what is within my reach for fear of it slipping away. No longer do I have a sense of urgency to take or give and in so doing prove myself to the donor or recipient. No. Today I take quite the opposite tack and savor the gifts of a moment and prolong it as much as possible.
The power that is granted me by a submissive is not just the power to command action or inaction but also the power to elongate time. When she stands or kneels before me I have no reason to rush, no deadline to meet, no goal that must be achieved. Indeed, I am granted all the time I want to relish in the beauty and privilege before me. Why rush to touch, take, or command, when perhaps the greatest pleasure can be had in simply sitting back and taking it all in? Why not bathe myself in the aura of the power you give me and savor the tension, anticipation, and sometimes even fear that emanates from the moment? Why rush headlong into the next moment when the present is so very, very satisfying?
So I just sit back and relax. Allow the moment to bathe me in its power. Feel the significance of the present and in so doing heighten her awareness of my power and its ability to alter the future. The longer I sit in repose, the more powerful I feel. The more powerful I feel, the greater her sense of submission. The greater her sense of submission, the greater my power. It is one magnificent and ever-growing loop of energy.
I need not flail. I need not possess. I need not caress. I need only sit back in silence and appreciate the beauty, majesty and aura of the submission before me and bask in the glow of the power it affords me. From a distance.
Projected power. I project and she absorbs. Plenty of time for all else. Later.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
Here in the online world of Domination and submission, both real and imagined, we tend to be bombarded and consumed by fascinating and titillating BDSM imagery. Naturally, the vast majority of these images are staged for our entertainment. They are populated by people who do not look like us, doing things most of us only imagine. For the most part, these images focus on the more sadistic and mosochistic sides of BDSM because this is what plays well in imagery. They are high on masturbatory value but convey little of the true meaning behind a D/s relationship.
I for one gain the most gratification within a D/s relationship from the emotional, mental and spiritual bond between two loving and caring D/s partners. The sex is great, the beauty of her nudity amazing, and her willingness to please most gratifying. But more than that, much more, is the awe-inspiring sense of gratitude and humility I feel when the woman I am attracted to, respect and care for, chooses of her own volition to kneel before for me and present herself, heart, mind, body, and spirit.
Some time ago the woman who became my Muse, after months of conversation and getting to know one another, asked what it would take to become a submissive. We talked about it and compared notes on preferences, likes, dislikes, desires, fears, and many other topics, arriving at a mutual but never fully communicated recognition that we were potentially very compatible with one another. When she asked, “How do I go about doing something like this?” and it became clear that she was interested in exploring a D/s relationship with me, my response was simple and uncomplicated. “You need only ask.” Naturally, I described in more detail the art of presentation, which of course was slightly ritualized, but that only added to the significance of such a request.
One day, not long after, the woman who became my Muse presented herself to me precisely as I described on her knees, palms upraised, head bowed, and asked politely and earnestly if I would take her as my submissive and guide her and train her in the art of Domination and submission. I stand here today to tell you that there is nothing in all of the BDSM imagery on the Net that can begin to convey the power, majesty, and humility of that moment. When a woman you respect, adore, and admire presents herself to her Dom or potential Dom in this manner there is little else in life that I know of that can inspire the emotion and humbling sense of awe I feel in that moment. I can only compare it to the moment of saying “I do” at the altar, or the birth of a child.
When a woman strips herself bare of not only the clothes that cover her body, but also the shackles of a lifetime of conditioning and insecurities, finds the strength to kneel before another and ask to be taken, it is truly the most powerful moment in a BDSM relationship. Oh, there are many, many other powerful moments and experiences, and I routinely feel a sense of awe and gratitude as she continues to find new ways to display her submission and desire to learn and grow. But none for me can compare to the power, majesty, humility, and grace that I feel when the right woman holds out her trembling hand and heart and asks to be taken.
This is truly a defining moment, not only in a relationship but also in a life. Any man fortunate enough to have this experience should treat it with the awe, humility and respect it deserves. For, short of witnessing the birth for your first child, there is little I can think of in this life that compares to the awesome sense of gratitude and responsibility this defining moment brings.
Be worthy of such a moment.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Donatien de Dase
The Rewards of a Submissive
Much is written of submission on blogs and in chat rooms, and images abound of “submissive’s” and their so-called “Doms.” But what most BDSM sites and blogs present is entertainment, sexual titillation, and at times outright coercion and abuse rather than an exploration of genuine submission and the amazing rewards it can bring to a Dom. Earning the submission of another human being is a process that takes patience, dedication, concern, love, empathy, listening skills, and above all, integrity. But if or when it happens, the feeling is indescribable!
Submission is earned it is neither coerced or manipulated. And to be meaningful for me, it must come from a woman whom I unreservedly revere and admire. The greater her will, intellect, artistic ability, grace, kindness and beauty, the greater the reward of earning her submission. To that end, earning the submission of such a woman is not the end state but rather just the beginning, because I want more. More of her. All of her. And to do that, she must be allowed to grow to her full potential, which means giving her the space and encouragement to be everything she is capable of being. She is the gift. The better and more whole she is, the more precious the gift to me.
Therefor, to my way of thinking, a submissive is not a slave. Quite the opposite. She is a free being who has chosen of her own will to give herself unreservedly to me. Catching a hummingbird in a net just feels mean spirited and destructive. Having that same hummingbird land on your fingertip of its own accord is a soaring experience. So it is for me with a woman’s submission.
There are many woman (and men) who are so insecure they will throw themselves at the feet of a Dom for mere acceptance and the illusion of love. This is not submission, it is desperation. In it, there is little reward for a Dom beyond pitty and satisfying their own broken wing syndrome rescuing. This is not submission, it is codependence and is vastly unhealthy for all involved.
But, when a would-be Dom can reach into the mind of a confident, well-read, intelligent and capable woman, captivating her imagination and earning her respect and adoration, magic happens! When she bends her knees of her own accord. When you see the look of adoration in her eyes. When she unreservedly gives you her heart, mind, and soul. Pure Magic!
BDSM, S/M, and D/s imagery focusses most on the physical aspects of the power exchange. This is only natural…it is what the camera sees best. Only the occasional image adequately begins to convey the strength and beauty of the spiritual and emotional bond between a submissive and her Dom. But when it does, it is a special picture and genuinely stands out. Usually the devotion shows first in the eyes and secondarily in the postures of the Dom and/or his submissive. Feelings are so difficult to capture in an image and yet they are the essence of D/s.
In real life, the reward for me of submission is 90 percent mental, spiritual and emotional. When the bond is strong and the challenge of successfully leading a submissive is great, my heart and mind become immersed in the relationship and how to make it stronger and more fulfilling for both of us. My brain is fully engaged. My imagination is energized. My heart beats stronger. I want to be a better man and a better Dom…every day. I want to be all that I possibly can and in so doing inspire and motivate my submissive to strive for her full potential.
D/s between a healthy and confident man and woman (or any combination of the sexes) is an immensely positive relationship. Far from the dark imagery of floggings and physical challenges, it is a spiritually uplifting experience. And with that spiritual bond firmly established between a Dom and a sub, the bodies have no choice but to follow. With the combination of mutual devotion, trust and adoration, comes an environment where all physical experiences and rewards become possible. In that secure space that we create and nurture between us we can indulge in the physical, dance in the darkness, and explore the power exchange in all of its physical manifestations. More magic!
To the submissive - Give your heart, your mind, your soul to the right Dom and he will give you physical and emotional sensations unimaginable.
To the Dom - Lead genuinely with your heart and mind and the body will follow.
Caption © For the Love of A Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
On Being My Joy.
I have strong feelings about the D/s dynamic and my role as a sensual Dominant. I take the time to know my girl’s wants, needs, hopes, fears, hungers, and desires - and I do my best to reach deep within. My goal is to peel back inhibitions, shyness, and/or protective layers of societal “do’s and dont’s” and to free her to her own erotic “core”. If I am successful - the result is a beautiful merging of two hearts, two minds, and two souls into one incredible journey of exploration and bliss.
I am highly selective in my choice of submissive. She must be intelligent, talented, beautiful, and intriguing. She must be successful and have passions and pursuits beyond the more obvious pleasures of the flesh. In her sexuality, she must be naturally submissive (if only to me). She must also be enthusiastic, talented, eager to please, and willing to learn and develop as we step forward.
I make it clear at the onset - I aspire to complete her. I am her Dominant, mentor, teacher and trainer, partner, friend, and companion. I challenge her, use her completely for my pleasure, and instruct her. But as I bring her forward - I give back. I want to be the single most amazing erotic and positive influence in her life. I strive to be her joy.
I have trained many girls over the years. Given this legacy, my current girl asked if I would grow bored and seek interactions with more experienced submissives. I smiled and related how the two of us had many “firsts” before us. She pressed again. I admonished her gently, and communicated my sentiments:
"You are my joy".
I elaborated, explaining how her instincts were natural and perfect. While many submissives become obsessed about what happens to them, she had immersed herself in pleasing me - and had already surpassed my expectations. This is what a Dominant ultimately hopes for in a girl - the primal desire to please and to be pleasing in the process. I call it a submissive’s hunger - the ways in which she yearns.
Her instincts manifested daily. She would attend to me in the shower, massage me if I was weary, and even care for my feet if they were sore. She would serve me beverages and snacks as I relaxed with a movie or a televised sporting event. She seemed natural in service to me.
In the sensual space, she was amazing. She became a student in the pathway to my pleasure. She listened intently as I related favorite spots and techniques. She followed directions and assimilated knowledge instantly - becoming the most sexually pleasing woman I have known.
But she did more. As she grew with me and learned of my unmet desires (my BDSM bucket list), she would ask for details during quiet times together. I could sense she was committing items to memory - and it would always make me smile.
This photo is a beautiful representation of what it is to be my joy. I had previously related a long-standing wish to take a girl on the floor before a roaring fire - in a ski chalet - on a winter vacation. I wanted the experience to be deeply decadent - full of animal hunger - and I wanted to sate myself with willing flesh before me.
Imagine my surprise when my girl invited me on a ski vacation - in a condo with a fireplace. Imagine further my surprise when I lit a fire, went to the bedroom to change - and returned to find her as you see here. She was in perfect service position (one of the first bits of protocol I had taught her) and she was absolutely stunning in the firelight.
I had my bag open in a flash, but for all my implements and all my technique, I could not tear myself away from the erotic beauty and allure before me. The implements lay in place - the rope untouched - as I took her hard - thrusting deeply until she had to brace herself with outstretched hands on the hearth before her. I fucked her with abandon, quickly surged - and roared out my climax, bucking arrhythmically, as she panted and moaned in her own pleasure - thrilled at being the source of my animal hunger.
This is the beauty of a D/s journey with a perfect submissive. This is what it means to be my joy.
How I love this dance - on the fringe of darkness.
© Fringe of Darkness dancingonthefringe 2014
Come visit my archive at: Dancing On The Fringe dancingonthefringe
One of the traits I most appreciate in submissive women is the pride with which they approach their submission and the myriad tasks performed within it.
Society has evolved to a place where being a woman who is overtly submissive to a man is frowned upon as being “old fashioned” at best and a sign of archaic sexist dominance and subjugation of the female spirit at worst. Today, it is almost taboo to be a publicly submissive female to a male figure. Vanilla friends, family and co-workers would admonish any woman who appeared to be overly submissive to her male partner to get out of the “imprisoning” and “abusive” relationship. No wonder so many women crave an opportunity to submit completely to another. Society has made it all but impossible to do so and it has become the great taboo and an unfulfilled wish of many.
In instances where a woman finds a competent and caring Dom who can draw out and enable her submissive side, it is remarkable to see the intensity and seriousness with which she approaches her submissive role and the tasks within it. The pride she takes in being the best she can be for her Master never ceases to amaze and fulfill me. She gives tremendous thought to her actions, presentation, skills, words, and deeds. She continually strives to be better at all she does. She takes enormous pride in her accomplishments and in anticipating the needs, and meeting the challenges, her Master sets forth.
This is why physical correction and punishment is so rarely required to improve performance or correct behavior in my experience. The pride a submissive takes in her efforts is crushed upon the realization that she has displeased her Master or failed to measure up in some manner. Gentle coaching and correction is all that is required when you have a submissive woman under your hand who genuinely takes pride in her submission.
But beware. The pride that leads to such remarkable performance by a sub has a dark side.
When a submissive takes so much pride in her efforts that she becomes obsessed with being perfect for her Master at all times, a destructive force begins to creep into the relationship. No one, no matter how well-intended or filled with pride at a job well done, can possibly be perfect all the time. And if a perfectionist submissive is paired with an intolerant and domineering Dom then things can spiral out of control rather quickly and relentlessly, leaving the submissive to feel perpetually inadequate and subsequently unfulfilled.
It is important as a Dom to set high standards and expect a high level of performance in all his submissive attempts and accomplishes or she will be unfulfilled. She will interpret anything less than high standards as weakness on the part of her Dom and naturally tend to lose interest. But it is equally important not to fall into the trap of demanding unattainable perfectionism which will only breed frustration and prevent a sub from settling into her place of comfort, serenity and service. There is a point at which performance must be deemed good enough and should be praised and rewarded. Doing so will build a sense of pride and nurture a subs natural tendency to want to continue to please and perform to ever higher standards.
Use a submissive’s natural pride and sense of perfectionism as a tool to motivate her performance and desire to continually improve. But do not take advantage of, or abuse this natural sense, or you will quickly find yourself with a frustrated and despondent sub and run the risk of destroying what might otherwise have been a healthy and rewarding D/s relationship.
Build her pride. Use it to motivate. Bruise it once in a while to correct. But never tear it down or break it. For once destroyed, pride is very hard or impossible to build back up again.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Perry Gallagher
When the mood and ability of a submissive is matched perfectly with the pace and intensity of the challenge or predicament that is when the magic happens.
When she is so intensely focussed on the sensations she is experiencing or on denying her reaction to those sensations there is a look, an intensity, a withdrawl to a place within.
This is the look that tells a Dominant that he is achieving all he set out to accomplish.
When she is straining to peacefully accept the discomfort of the bondage.
When she is absorbing the blows and internalizing the feeling of each one.
When she is focussed on nothing else in the world except desperately holding back the floodgates of orgasm at your command.
When she has no other thought than being in the moment, internalizing all that her Dom is doing to, for, and with her. When there is no world beyond the space between Master and sub.
This is the moment I work so hard for and that she gives so much for. When there is only the two of us in this moment and nothing else matters. No cares. No needs. No distractions. Only mutual and complimentary desire.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Playboy Magazine Model: Andrea Vetsch
When all is said and done and you have absorbed all of the energy her submission has to give, blanket her, cradle her, and ensure that she knows how important she is and that no one else could move you as she does.
A submissive gives to her Master from the very core of her soul until she is exhausted and empty. Bathe her in the radiant glow of her own dissipated energy. Give back that which she has given and you have so fully taken, and she will give again, and again, and again.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image from Medita Music Video Ceylon
Dominance and submission relationships have both a commanding and firm side and a nurturing and soft side. Like yin and yang, you cannot fully appreciate the power and impact of one without the other. And, to have a deeply fulfilling and lasting D/s relationship a Master must be genuine in striving to maintain both in proper balance at all times.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unknown
So often we fixate on the dark side of BDSM and D/s relationships the challenges, sexual predicaments, corrections and punishments. What is often lost is the almost addictive emotional connection that can be felt between a Dom and his submissive. Some have labeled this bond as almost codependent and indeed if not handled correctly or by healthy and mature adults it certainly can be.
But what I want to share is the lighter side of a sensual and loving D/s relationship. Sure I appreciate and make a part of my D/s life the darker arts of BDSM, but there is so much more to it than that. If what you get from D/s is a series of BDSM scenes of ever increasing intensity with random partners then I suppose that is alright for some. But I need a deeper connection and that is at the heart of a sensual D/s relationship for me. This bond is deep and intensely connected, emotional, and yes, at its core, loving.
When I look at the image above, I see the very essence of that loving bond between a Dom and his sub. She had no doubt been instructed to sit on the edge of the bed with her legs spread wide (as is always appropriate) and await her master. When he eventually entered the bedroom he did not go directly to her or likely even acknowledge her presence, but instead set about the business of taking off his tie tack and cuff links, hanging up his tie, perhaps even menacingly removing his belt. All the while his beautiful sub waited patiently with her eyes cast down, but with ever increasing anticipation, perhaps even apprehension, of what her master might have in store for her.
The patient service of a submissive, awaiting whatever might suit her master is an incredibly powerful statement of devotion. She knows not what his mood might be when he comes home. Will he be needy and want to take her immediately? Will he feel playful and want to be teasing and taunting with her pleasure? Will he feel frustrated or emasculated by work and want to exert control, perhaps ordering her to her knees to service him promptly with her mouth? Or will he be dark and brooding and want to seek release of his tension through a more physical session?
She knows not what is in store for her and yet with the utmost of grace, beauty and devotion, she sits, largely naked, legs spread, and presents herself as ordered in complete acceptance of whatever would please her master in that moment.
So when her master eventually stops what he is doing and turns to her, there is no doubt that her heart is racing as she tries to control her breathing, ragged with anticipation and perhaps a tinge of fear or at least uncertainty of the unknown. As he stands before her, his first touch will set the tone for all that is to follow. And she will go wherever his touch takes her. Still she waits patiently.
How will he touch her? Will he grasp her by the throat and force her back? Will he grab her hair and pull her mouth toward him? Will he grasp the back of her neck and thrust her to the floor on all fours for punishment or the taking? As she sits and strains to maintain her outward composure in the face of churning anticipation she closes her eyes in acceptance of whatever is to come next.
When his first touch finally comes it is gentle. Nurturing. Cradling. She sinks into her master’s hand and is immediately transported from a place of anticipation and perhaps trepidation to a place of serenity and peace. A place where she is enveloped in the warm glow of her master’s dominance and a sense of care-free submission and security. By his hand she has been taught, corrected and even punished. But in his hand she is also guided, molded, nurtured, embraced and treasured. Even loved. His hands do so many wondrous things to her and for her. His touch can say so much. And she sinks into every one of his touches with equal abandon and satisfaction whether it is tender or torturous, pleasing or painful.
His touch. Always his touch. It transports her to her place of submission and service every time, in every way. Such is the power of the D/s bond. And this night it will be tender and loving with the same depth of emotion and intensity as other nights when it is harsh and demanding. But always…always…his touch takes her there.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © EGO Magazine Models: Evgeniya Diordiychuk (Katie Fey) and Denis Nikiforov
No matter how hard you try and how vivid your imagination, nothing can compare to the touch of your Dom. You can paddle yourself, masturbate, and choke yourself until you are blue in the face but it will never be the same.
Because without your Dom, you still have control and therefor lack the core ingredient of submission complete and utter voluntary surrender of control to another. You are still you willful, self-reliant, in charge.
Sure, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing and self-pleasure. We all do it. Any port in a storm, I say. But there is nothing you can do to yourself or for yourself that can possibly give the reward of your Dom’s gaze, your Dom’s words, and your Dom’s touch. Only he can take you not only to those special places of physical pleasure but also to the dark recesses of your mind where the “Wild Things” are. The places that no one else ever sees or even knows about. The thoughts, desires and cravings that you would never share with anyone else…even your closest girlfriend.
These are the places that your Dom not only knows about, but makes his home and romps in freely. With your permission and complicity you become his playground. And play he does sometimes with the joy and enthusiasm of a child and at others with the intensity and fearsomeness of a warrior. But at all times you are his. By your choice. Fulfilling your own desires as you simultaneously fulfill his.
You never asked for it. You do not want it. Not here. Not in this way. Save it for the rest of life. Here, you are his. And when he is not with you, it is simply not the same. Hollow. Empty. Unsatisfied. Left craving, just a little more.
So imagine and fantasize all you wish. But when you are through you will still need your other half the dark dominant half to your submissive lightness of being.
Imagination is a beautiful and powerful resource. Without it we would not have the wild creativity that brings us such joy in D/s. But imagination can only take us so far. At some point, we must move beyond the imaginary and experience the awesome intensity of the D/s dance first hand to truly find ourselves.
Find him. Treasure him. Respect him. And above all, enjoy him. Bring your imaginings, merge them with his, and together create your own D/s dance filled with lust and joy.
Just imagine the possibilities.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © TheRedChair.net Model: Sybill Hawthorne
Dance For Me
Women, in my experience, love to dance. Their minds and bodies seem to have been taylor made for fluid motion and agility. But while nearly every woman I have met desires to express themselves through movement, many are insufficiently comfortable with themselves or their bodies to dance freely before another. A bit like singing in the shower, many do it in private but the moment there is an audience they clam up and shut down.
I love to draw out the inner dancer in my submissive. It is often said that being a successful Dom is not about forcing a submissive do things they don’t want to do but rather, enticing them to do things they secretly always wanted to do but never thought they could or would. Dancing is emblematic of everything else in a D/s relationship. If a Dom can draw out the inner dancer, then he can also draw out other wonderful sensual traits of a sub.
Hidden deep amid the dark recesses of many inner dancers is also a common fantasy of being a stripper, a geisha, a Mata Hari, a belly dancer, a courtesan, or the like. It is the forbidden and frightening fruit that many women would love to taste but would or should never experience in their real lives. This is the woman I want to draw out in a D/s relationship. She is there already, buried deep under mountains of social conditioning, insecurities, and life experiences. My job, no my personal goal, is to find that inner dancer, breathe life into her, take her by the hand and convince her that I am a safe, welcoming space for her deepest desires.
Some might say this is manipulation. Perhaps so in the wrong hands. I view it as building a level of trust, security and desire sufficient to allow all those deeply buried secret inner desires to come to life. Dancing is a wonderful place to start.
With music in the background, I love to dance with my submissive, gently and tenderly. Bodies swaying. Hips undulating. Slowly I draw back to arms length still holding her hands and outwardly appreciate the sensuality of her movement with clear signs of my approval and gratitude. As she grows more confident under my gaze, I may release her hands, fingertips dragging across finger tips, allowing space between us as I continue my appreciative gaze. Eventually, I may lean against the wall or even take a seat subtly encouraging her to keep dancing.
Now she genuinely has an audience. She will feel awkward and naked even when she is fully clothed. But my approval, obvious desire for her, and verbal accolades serve to encourage her. I tell her how amazing she looks and how sexy and sensual her movement is to me. How it makes me long for her. As her comfort and confidence grows and the intensity of my approving gaze and complimentary remarks rises I may eventually say, “Dance for Me.”
Few women in my experience can resist the urge. The desire is there. They just need to feel safe and comfortable and not judged. As she undulates and moves with greater intensity, I may eventually urge her to, “Show Me.” Here there will be no question what I desire and how much I desire it. And by now, she does too. Here, in this safe, warm, sensual space between us a new life is born. An inner dancer emerges and becomes the exotic dancer, the stripper, the courtesan, the Mata Hari. That inner woman who has always been there is unlocked and set free, never to be locked away again. Not so long as she is with me.
Dance for me.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © Max Italy Magazine, March 2011 Model: Rosie Huntington Whitely
One of the great joys I experience as a Dom is the ability to control the tempo and intensity with which my submissive’s imagination travels and at what point her anticipation overwhelms her, sending her spiraling into a mental and emotional orgasm long before the physical ones ever manifests themselves.
Mental foreplay long precedes the physical as our respective roles are established and positions cemented. This may involve low soft talk and the subtle giving of direction in both sexual and non-sexual contexts. One of my favorite methods is to quietly ask provoking and embarrassing questions or give soft subtle commands that elicit responses clearly delineating our positions my dominance, your submission.
In a restaurant for example, I may ask the server if he thinks you look hot in your new evening dress. Naturally he will agree to which I may “suggest” that you stand up and show it to him, commending you to turn around and let him see the back while I comment on how it makes your ass look completely irresistible. Naturally, ever the gentleman, I would then thank you and hold your chair as your return to your seat.
I may ask you softly if you are wearing panties under your dress (you should know better) and if so suggest that you excuse yourself to the ladies room to remove them. Naturally I will insist that you hand them to me (over the table) when you return to your seat making sure that others can see the transaction. In a low husky voice I may ask if it worries you that you might leave a spot on your new dress since you will be soaked knowing that I intend to blindfold you when we return to the room and slowly tease you into a frenzy, depriving you of your orgasms for hours as I turn your entire body into my playground. I may ask if it worries you that you that I may command you to please yourself, right here in the restaurant, under the table while I watch the expressions on your face. I may tell you that if you fail to reach an orgasm right here at the table, I will be forced to take you over my lap and alternately spank and finger you relentlessly to painful orgasm after painful orgasm back in the room.
Then, having set your mind reeling with a combination of dread and anticipation, I may do none of it at all suggesting only that you finish your dinner, leaving you wondering what might be coming next and when.
By now, if you are not wet and mentally squirming with anticipation, I have sorely misjudged you. But then, I know you well…I know how to press your buttons.
Back in the room, you are all aflame and desirous and eager to be taken. But not so fast. First, the blindfold. I have you present yourself to me on the bed, head down, ass up. I move around the room making small noises, leaving you to wonder what is going to happen next, when, where, and how. Now is the time when I can truly set your mind whirling in spasms of anticipation. I may brush back a whisp of hair from your face, the smallest touch magnified to outrageous intensity in your heightened state of sight-deprived arousal and awareness. I may trace a fingertip down your spine to your tail bone, leaving a trail of fire and cold shivers in its wake. I may slowly lift the hem of your dress, dragging the fabric tantilyzingly over your bare ass until it rests upon your back, leaving you exposed to my sight and whim. I may make you wait like that for a long, long time as I just sit back taking in the glorious submissive sight of you.
But when the first touch comes. No matter where it is or what its intensity. You melt. All of the pent up anticipation releases like a raging river from a bursting dam. Whatever tiny shards of self-will that might have remained abandon you. You are mine. Given. Taken. Owned.
This is the nature of the mental foreplay of which I speak and so enjoy as your Dom. This absolute control without the need for restraint. You submit utterly and completely to my will and in so doing grant me absolute power over your heart and mind long before I ever touch your body.
This is the essence of D/s. This is the essence of us.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © joseph sirakas
Submission as a Craft
Often I write of Dominance as being a craft to be honed a manner of relating that melds natural leadership tendencies with self-control, assertiveness, desire, attentiveness, empathy, compassion, good listening skills, powers of observation, and a highly developed sense of nurturance and protectiveness. To be truly effective at Dominance takes considerable investment of time and mental energy, all the while maintaining a calm exterior that makes deeds and words appear effortless and natural, even when they perhaps are not. Dominance is a highly active state of being in which one must be fully engaged at all times in order to be effective. It is a demanding, and at times all-consuming, craft.
Submission appears to be the opposite of Dominance in that it looks to the casual observer to be a passive activity simply taking orders or direction from a Dominant and carrying them out successfully to completion and to the liking of the Dominant. This is a significant misperception that I believe leads many of the wrong people into exploring D/s both as submissives and Dominants. Dominance is far more than high handedly giving orders and submission is far more than obediently taking them. I wish more people understood that. Serving as a submissive is every bit as mentally engaging and at times taxing as the role of Dominant, and it takes hard work and considerable thought and effort to be good at it. Submission is anything but a passive activity. While it is true that Dominants and submissives are equal opposites in many respects, as it relates to the effort necessary to hone their respective crafts, they are more akin to opposite sides of the same coin two different faces of the same effort. Both have to work equally hard for there to be real magic in the relationship.
In the world of D/s, there are submissives who stand out in the crowd and are prized by Dominants and admired by other submissives. There is something special about them, something that sets them apart from others that is readily apparent to anyone who has been around for even a relatively short time. What stands out most is not looks, clothing, age or body type. It is in their character, their bearing, how they carry themselves and I don’t mean simply good posture, positioning, and quickness to respond to direction. What captures many Dominant’s attention and imagination is a combination of strength of character and intelligence lovingly melded with devotion and submission. This is not merely evident in carrying out orders, but anticipating needs. It is not just striving to please by doing what one is told in the manner instructed, but rather, putting hard work into one’s self to be more pleasing in every possible way. That can take the form of knowledge, education, professional development, artistic and domestic skills, as well as appearance, dress, health, physical fitness and being a student of the art of submission and service. And there are many others.
Standout submissives put as much care and effort into being their very best possible selves at the same time they strive to be their very best and most devoted submissive to their Master. From this comes an air of confidence and competence that makes for a most prized and worthy submissive and sets them apart from the dishrag or lapdog image so many have of submission. It does not take a Dominant to bring a person with low self-esteem, confidence, or sense of purpose to bear. Any domineering boor can do that. The prize for a Dominant is in the utter devotion and service of one who has no need to do so, but would have it no other way. That is earned by a Dominant. That can only be given by a submissive. That IS the prize that is submission. But a submissive cannot gift something to a Dominant that they do not have. Remember that.
As part of their craft, Dominants strive to find the “secret sauce” that draws a submissive out of an otherwise strong and potentially willful person and inspires them to ever greater depths of submission and devotion. There is no one recipe. Indeed it is more of a rich bouillabaisse, ratatouille or gumbo, making best use of the ingredients at hand. The Dominant’s choice of recipe is solely dependent upon the strengths, weaknesses, biases and life history of the submissive and must be flexible and adaptable as more ingredients become apparent and available over time.
So too, the submissive plays an active role in drawing out and inspiring the Dominant in constructive and mutually beneficial ways. A person may be naturally dominant, but an accomplished and hard working submissive can themselves craft and mould that natural dominance into something they truly desire to be the recipient of. A standout submissive plays a very significant role in bringing forth the most desired traits and behaviors of their Dominant. This is very much a two-way street. How this is accomplished by the submissive to greatest effect will differ based upon the personality, experience, and biases of the Dominant. At the end of the day we are all people with our differing and mixed up pasts on which we must build a present and future. Both Dominants and submissives must consciously make best use of one another’s strengths and weaknesses to achieve the desired mutual outcomes.
One of the most common (and perhaps overused and misunderstood) strategies I see new submissives use to draw out dominance is brattiness. This form of not so subtle taunting or defiance often elicits an immediate response from a Dominant and as such tends to be relied upon too heavily for its immediate cause and effect results. To be sure, it is one tool in the toolbox of a submissive. But brattiness is a shallow tactic, and not one with lasting effect or upon which a trusting and enduring bond can be built. Some Dominants like the brat sub and feed on the constant friction and heat between Dom and sub that brattiness can bring about. It gives them ample excuse to respond or even retaliate. If this is your thing, then great. It can certainly be a lot of fun now and then and brings a little spice to play time to be sure. But as a strategy for long-term development and nurturing of a deeply emotional D/s bond I personally find it lacking. Sorely lacking.
Another oft employed strategy I see in new or exploring submissives is the needy damsel in distress. By playing to the protective and nurturing nature of a Dominant the submissive draws them into their world by way of drama, neediness, and perceived helplessness. Again, this works to a degree and for a while, but is more likely to breed a codependent relationship than a healthy and loving D/s bond simply by virtue of the fact that it is not based on a coming together of equals. It places the submissive in the inferior position from the start and there they shall forever remain. This is not submission but rather dependence. Remember that submission is an act of giving one’s strength and will to another. If you don’t have either, you have little to give.
Another occasionally distressing tactic is the submissive who physically or emotionally throws themselves at the feet of anyone claiming to be a Dominant. This over eagerness points not to submission but rather a looseness of sorts, even desperation. Not so subtly it speaks to a potential underlying lack of self esteem. The message received by the Dominant is “if you will throw yourself at my feet without even knowing me, you will likely do the same for any and every other schmuck who comes along.” This is not universally true so I say all this with some caution and trepidation. But as a rule, having someone who knows nothing about you throw themselves at your feet (outside of play parties or the like where such rules and decorum might be the order of the day) says far more negative things about the submissive than it does in the way of complimenting the Dominant. Nothing has been done to earn it. I will admit that many men would dream of having a woman proverbially throw themselves at their feet begging to be taken. Its every boys’ fantasy I suppose. The fact of the matter is that most Dominants I know are not “boys” and are actually rather put off by such actions (unless it is received from their own submissive). Too much of a good thing, too soon, from the wrong source can be bad.
While I have couched all of the aforementioned approaches in the negative, they are each useful and acceptable strategies by a submissive in moderation and I think most submissives can identify at least a portion of themselves with elements of each. The train only goes completely off the rails when a submissive becomes too reliant upon one or more of them as a basis for their “submission.”
The craft of submission as I like to think of it, just like the craft of Dominance, is an effort of playing to our strengths and bolstering our weaknesses to best effect with another. It is a fine line walked by Dominants and submissives between adaptation and manipulation. The former is good, the latter destructive. The craft ultimately is best founded in a firm understanding of self. When we know our own strengths and weaknesses, and strive to improve ourselves, we have the firm bedrock on which to build a relationship with another person. This is as true in D/s as any other relationship in life. The better we are as people, the more we have to offer someone else.
Some of the hallmarks of the craftsmen and craftswomen of submission are grace, maturity, emotional stability, intelligence, self-awareness, compassion, empathy, sensuality, and aesthetic sense to name but a few. Note that not one of these traits speaks to the notion of lapdog or doormat. Quite the opposite in fact. As you look around Tumblr certain submissives’ blogs rise immediately to the top for their display of all of these traits and more. These submissives present themselves as an idea or an ideal to be attained, rather than solely as a symbol of sex and sexuality. They describe and display themselves and the richness of their character and personality first and foremost, and package that in a sensual presentation of their submissive mind set and desires. That sort of presentation of self on a blog is precisely the bearing and character I see and seek in a standout submissive in real life. It is a person whose submission is utterly desirable and to be prized. A work of art to be held, guided and nurtured as sensuous and colorful as the richest oil painting, as lyrical and melodious as a symphony, as solid and grounded as a marble statue.
While sexuality is an oft inherent part of most D/s relationships, it is not the basis of them. Submission is an emotional and mental state first and foremost. Sex and sexuality is but a particularly vulnerable manifestation of that emotional state of being and ultimately of the trust between Dominant and submissive.
So perhaps the craft of submission is the never ending processes of cultivating more of oneself to give, and learning to give more. In cultivating more to give, a submissive works consciously on themselves their self-awareness, abilities and talents. In learning to give more, the submissive strives to learn their Dominant and give everything they have to them how best to please and be pleasing, and in so doing, draw the most desirable traits of their Dominant out for their mutual benefit and pleasure. When both the Dominant and submissive work on themselves as craftsmen and craftswomen for the benefit of themselves and each other in equal measure, a mature and truly beautiful D/s relationship is bound to be the result.
Submission is an art, and like any art form it requires a craftsman or woman to create, perfect and issue forth. But unlike so many other crafts where something external is created, ultimately the work of art in this instance is you.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2014
Image © Mercuro B Cotto
If i told you that i wanted you - what would you do? Would you promise me the stars and sun and moon as dreamers often do?
i would not take them, for i don’t want to love that way…
If i told you that i wanted you - what would you do? Would you lavish me with trinkets and all the pretty things? Trading your bauble for heart and hand?
i would not take it, for i don’t want to love that way…
If i told you that i wanted you - what would you do? Would you cover me like darkness, whispering words of secret sins? Breaking me apart and creating something new?
i would take You, for i want to love that way…
Original photo credit unknown
Words by submissiveinclination
What follows is a thought provoking piece on one person’s path to finding balance between their natural tendencies and submissive needs. Many of us, Dominants and submissives, have traits of both inherently built into our psyches to one degree or another, as well as elements of both traditional masculine and feminine emotional states. To be successful as a Dominant or a submissive requires the right balance of all of these. Most female submissives are not 100% feminine and submissive. They posses masculine and dominant traits as well. Indeed many desiring to be submissive struggle against a lifetime of needing to exhibit dominant and masculine energies to survive and thrive in the real world. So too, a successful male Dominant must have a clear line of sight to their more feminine emotional qualities such as nurturing, protecting, empathy, etc. and know how and when to exercise them. They must also know when to yield and drop or temper their dominant side. Something that is not always easy or even acceptable for a male in society.
To be really good at being a Dom or sub challenges many of us to learn to be different than we are in daily life. Perhaps adopting the relationship roles of Dominant or submissive is a coming to oneself for many of us who normally feel out of place in the “real world” but feel comfortable and authentic when we assume our D/s places. For many this is a transition and a learning process. And as with all things requiring change and growth, it is easy to fall back into long-established patterns of behavior and reacting.
In my case, I can at times fall back to being overly nurturing and insufficiently Dominant, my Muse can fall back into familiar patterns of bargaining and domineering inherent in her daily life thus far. Yet when we are together we fall into what feels like our natural selves as Dominant and submissive, in defiance of who we have historically been out in the “real” world.
The author below is on a significant journey of reflection and self-discovery that is admirable and in some respects enviable. Not many of us are as self-aware as this, let alone willing to put ourselves out there to the world. For those struggling to find their place in D/s or trying to understand why they feel the way they do about Dominance or submission, I recommend spending some time looking inwardly as this blogger is endeavoring to do.
Reflections and Thoughts from an Abstract S/submissive
Personal growth is a big part of who I am, I value the moments when self reflection leads to the understanding of myself, which in turn, helps me gain insight in becoming a better me. Regardless of whether one is male, female, Dominant or submissive, everyone possesses some combination of both feminine and masculine characteristics, or energy. It has nothing to do with your sexual preference, your physical appearance, or preferred wardrobe. They are the characteristics of our inner self that make up who we are and how we portray ourselves to those around us, and how we interact with the world.
I am a strong, in control, self confident, sometimes over the top, always planning, always thinking, risk taking, self reliant, quick with a clever comeback, talkative, passionate in my beliefs, orderly, often delegating, submissive female. *deep breath* Trust me, it’s exhausting!! Those would be my masculine traits. At the same time, I have the other side of me that is serving, gentle, playful, loving, attentive, sensitive, understanding, compassionate and almost giving to a fault. These would be considered my feminine traits and what makes up who I am in my core. Essentially, I am an extremely submissive female, with a very high masculine energy. Yes, I am a girlie girl, enjoy time with my girlfriends, wear cute clothes, have my nails painted pink, can walk in heels, and obsessed about maintaining my physical self. Any sight of a grey hair has me in panic mode, running to the nearest salon. As stated, it has nothing to do with ones physical appearance, just to make that clear.
Again, whether you are a dominant or submissive, male or female…. these masculine and feminine energies exist in all of us, just at different levels. A strong dominate male should not only posses strong masculine traits, but also have some feminine traits, as well ie sensitivity, loving, caring, compassionate and so on.These traits are required regardless of how alpha you are. With that being said, a submissive should also posses masculine traits which are essential in day to day life, i.e. succeeding in business, running a household, or confronting the jackass that just cut you off on I-95 (okay, maybe not that.) Seriously though, the combination of both masculine and feminine energy make up all of us, and who we are as people. Knowing how to gauge those characteristics and when to use them, is the tricky part… at least for me.
Keep in mind, no one can learn to be submissive, they just are, but they can improve on it… The same goes for being Dominant. One just is. However, all of us can work toward mastering at becoming better selves.This submissive is learning under supervision of her therapist / life coach to soften the sometimes overwhelming way she portrays herself, so to allow allow her feminine energy to emerge. Especially if she is one who has had to keep her submissive core buried for a lifetime.
Here are some exercises asked of me to work on four times daily. First and foremost, and not surprising he stressed this part from me. Don’t speak. If I must speak, I can only speak of my needs and my feelings. Learn to shut my mind off. No thinking, planning, no pushing, controlling or dominating. I must work on feeling my body sensations and my breathing and to be in my senses see, smell, touch, taste, hear. In order to bring out my inner feminine take bubble baths, yoga, involve myself in my art, cry, laugh, be messy, emotional, wild, unpredictable, and impractical. Gift those around me with my inner feminine radiance, which is strong, but has been contained due to a lifetime of me having no other choice but to steer the ship.
Perhaps this will help some of you. Gained insight and knowledge should be shared, especially when it may be influential to those in helping them to lead the most fulfilling life they can. It’s what we all want, and anyone that says that there isn’t room for self improvement, certainly has a lot to learn. My very best to all of you in your quest to become a better you. In doing so, I can assure you that you will be a better part of something more profound. That deep O/oneness with another that we all seek. xo’
Dominance as a Craft
Dominance to my way of thinking is not so much an activity to engage in as a craft to be honed. It is something that I study intently, perhaps more so than any other vocation or avocation over the course of my life. I read about Dominance, I observe other Dominants, I practice Dominance, and above all I study the causes and effects of my own actions intently and with great interest, always with an eye toward perfecting my craft. Ultimately to me, part of the beauty and intrigue in Dominance is that perfection is in fact an unattainable goal and therefor just out of reach. It leaves me something always to strive for.
Perfection in any craft is elusive because there is always room for improvement, innovation, and creativity. But in the art of Dominance the variables include among other things two imperfect human beings, a Dominant and a submissive, each with their own biases, fears, limitations, and even psychoses. We are all flawed individuals striving for something grander in our relationships. Dominants and submissives almost universally seek something more fulfilling, more exciting, more enriching in their relationships with one another. Almost like an addiction, once the thrill and intimacy of D/s has been tasted, a thousand more encounters is never enough. So we delve ever deeper, seeking the thrill of that first emotional and physical high, crafting ourselves and each other along the way into something different, something more.
A submissive in the hands of a caring and competent Dominant is a work of art that is never fully complete. A submissive is a canvas on which a Dominant paints the image of their desires, not just for themselves but for their submissive as well. A Dominant creates a work of art that pleases him, yet in that must also ensure that their submissive is pleased and satisfied by the outcome as well. But that canvas is far from blank when received. There are already colors and brush strokes that have been applied by others and by life, and perhaps even some tears and scars in the canvas itself. A Dominant is never afforded a truly clean slate on which to work, and in that perhaps lies the greatest challenge of the craft. Rather than creating something solely in the image of their desires, the job of a Dominant is to capitalize on the colors already there, navigate the thin spots and tears in the canvas, and use them all to greatest benefit in creating their own work of art a confident, devoted and self-satisfied submissive.
Ultimately the craft of Dominance is not to create something that we as a Dominant feel is beautiful, we have felt that way all along about our submissive. The goal is to create something that our submissive believes is beautiful. When a submissive can look in the mirror, literally and figuratively, and see themselves as worthy, beautiful, accomplished, successful and desired, then we as Dominants have achieved something great with our craft. The genuine submissive will observe the transformation in themselves and perhaps heap far more credit for the changes on their Dominant than is even warranted or deserved. The more a submissive comes to like who they are and who they are becoming, the more devoted to their Master they become, for they see a linkage between the efforts of the Dominant and the outcome of their personal success and/or satisfaction.
This is the difference between the motivations of Dominance versus domineering. A domineering individual seeks to keep their “partner” down, under their proverbial thumb of control, often out of a fear of being rejected or upstaged. It is negative motivation leading to even more negative outcomes. A Dominant on the other hand seeks to create a work of art from their submissive, striving to elevate them in substance and self-esteem. Far from keeping them down under a controlling thumb, the Dominant strives to give a submissive the tools to be free, the reward being that the submissive, even with the tools of freedom and achievement in hand, chooses to stay in complete devotion.
That, my friends, is the work of art achieved by the craft of Dominance. The Dominant helps teach the submissive to fly, sets them free, and in the best of all possible outcomes, the submissive returns to their Dominant in utter devotion over and over and over again.
The closest parallel I can think of is observable in the world of falconry where the falconer seeks not only to train and motivate a wild bird of prey to do best what it already does well, but also to do it under the terms and desires of the falconer. The falconer provides ever greater and more challenging opportunities to hunt, setting the bird free always in hopes that it will choose to come back for food, shelter, acceptance and validation. Over time a relationship evolves between falcon and falconer, even a mutual dependence. For the falconer, the rush is not only in the launching, but in the recovery that moment when he sees this beautiful, wild, and untamable creature turn back in flight with the intent of coming home to roost. That instant when the glorious bird of prey extends its talons, sweeps its wings full spread, and instead of attacking comes to rest gently on a gloved fist. That is the moment of addictive joy which keeps a falconer engaged in their craft for a lifetime.
So it is with a Dominant and their submissive. A Dominant seeks out the strengths of their submissive and strives to foster and enhance them. At the same time a Dominant seeks out the weaknesses and fears and works to smooth them over, bridge them, and move on. If we do these things well, we grow our very own work of art who, over time, becomes more independent and self-assured. And as that independence grows so too does the thrill when that confident and capable being come back of their own free will to kneel before us in devoted submission. Like the hawk or falcon landing on a gloved hand, the kneeling submissive has made a conscious choice that home is at the feet of their Dominant.
The feeling of pride, humility and joy I experience in that instant of recognition and acknowledgment by my submissive that I am Master by her own choice and free will, is the closest embodiment of perfection that I know in this craft we call Dominance. It is that which I strive for more of every day.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © Larry Hoth - Larry Hoth Photography
Dominant Traits - Motivation
There is little doubt that I as a Dominant can use the power that has been vested in me by my submissive to impel her to do all sorts of things. I have been given license to use her body, attract her heart, shape her thinking and generally avail myself of her devotion and loyalty as I see fit. She understands that I will use that awesome power wisely and for our mutual benefit because I have proven to her time and time again that I will…without fail. She trusts that I have her best interests at heart and will respect her person and limits even when satisfying my own basest desires.
Most bystanders view Dominance and submission through the lens of the kink and sex that such a relationship can and often does entail and see these activities as the end all and be all of the relationship. There is no doubt that kinky sex, bondage, impact play, and all the many manifestations of BDSM are a fun and rewarding part of a trusting D/s relationship whether or not it is romantically linked. Let me say that again…BDSM between consenting and knowledgeable partners is fun. Really FUN! My Muse and I have an incredibly good time in the kink department when we are together. But the fact of the matter is that due to time and distance we are only together in intermittant but intense bursts. If our D/s relationship were predicated solely on kinky play and sexual gratification there would be little to carry us consistently through our forced prolonged periods of absence and abstinance.
Thankfully there is an element of Dominance and submission that goes beyond the obvious loyalty, devotion, sex, and BDSM play. The role of Dominant and submissive can be adopted into daily life in ways that are very subtle but perhaps the most powerful and rewarding of all. I have spoken recently of the role a Dominant can play in coaching and mentoring a submissive and there is no question that this occurs naturally on the basic BDSM level. But it can also play a pivotal role in the daily lives of a D/s couple even if they are not co-located or living a 24/7 D/s relationship.
As I have often written, a Dominant should posses far more than a strong sex drive, powerful presence and an interest in kink. A Dominant in the truest sense of the word is someone who exercises leadership over people who follow them, not because they are made to but because they want to. A Dominant does not dominate the weak. In fact, a Dominant would never do so their protective and nurturing instincts are far too strong for that. A Dominant will shelter the weak, and lead the strong. And the Dominant recognizes that sometimes the strong feel weak and also require shelter and protection. That is to me the essence of a true Dominant.
My Muse is small but mighty. She is strong of body, mind and will. She is a good person, a good parent, a good friend, a caring lover, and a devoted submissive. But my Muse has not always had the opportunities she hoped for in life and sometimes feels herself less than able to seek new direction, tackle new challenges, and perhaps feels somewhat trapped by present life circumstances. She also can become quite anxious when confronting change or the unknown.
Perhaps my most important and rewarding role as Master to my Muse has been and continues to be that of shining a light on the strengths I see in her, continually holding a mirror up for her to see herself as I do as a strong, capable, energetic and intelligent woman who, regardless of circumstance, has capabilities far beyond those she is presently exercising and the ability to seek out and seize new opportunities for personal growth and life satisfaction. Sounds like a tall order, and it is. This is not a task one undertakes lightly or briefly just to get laid. This is long-term work that takes considerable time, patience and dedication on the part of a Dominant.
In the case of my Muse, I began our relationship by working to overcome physical and emotional barriers to intimacy for both of us. These efforts, conducted over a period of many months, opened the door to a deep emotional connection between my Muse and me that later transcended into a level of comfort with our bodies and desires in a physical relationship unlike any we had experienced before. These are not superficial barriers to a relationship. They were real, at times seemingly impenetrable, and occasionally fraught with land mines. Having built a solid trusting relationship as friends, lovers, Dominant and submissive, the harder and longer-term work of actually changing the course of a life could begin.
One of the attractions of a Dominant is that they be someone that others either want to be with, be like, or both. A Dominant engenders respect and perhaps even a little envy. They serve not only as leader but also as role model. They have something in their person and in life that others want to be associated with. There can even be a little, “when I grow up I want to be like that.” A Dominant leads not only by command but by example. This is where the role of mentor and coach comes into play and in the case of my Muse and me, is part of our relationship that carries us through the long periods apart. I draw on my life experience and knowledge to help her see not only her strengths but how to capitalize on them. I also help give her the belief in herself, in her future, and the courage to pursue it. But like any submissive, the hard work falls on her. Nothing I do, nothing I say, no direction I can set, has any meaning whatsoever unless she adopts the desires and beliefs for herself and sets out to achieve the goals on her own.
I am very proud to say that my Muse is taking a step forward in life by adding to her already important roles of mother and head of household to also work toward growing herself. She is adding to an already busy and full life by going back to school to pursue a college degree, something she thought was either unattainable or potentially postponed until her children were grown. She attributes some of the motivation and confidence to her Master and yet I know that she has done it all on her own. I just pointed out her strengths, encouraged her direction, coached on a few practical matters, exercised persistence and patience and eventually away she went. My Muse, as always, does all the hard work. I just get to sit back and enjoy the rewards of watching her grow true in life, kink, submission, and love.
While I have had the privilege to shape and mold my Muse in many ways that please both of us, none has been or continues to be more rewarding than the trust and devotion that has allowed me to go beyond romance and kink to actually work to help redirect and shape a life. The power we are given as Dominants can be used wisely or destructively. We can and do please ourselves in the process and there is great fun in that to be sure. But the deepest reward of Dominance for me is in being able to take the raw materials that are my submissive and help her to become not only the work of art that I desire, but also the pillar of confidence and success that she most desires.
Ultimately, Dominance is about motivating people to do what they already desire to do anyway, though they often don’t know it yet, or if they do, they may not believe that they are capable of success. Our job as Dominants is to break down these barriers, build bridges of motivation toward action, and show the path forward. A submissive does the rest, and for that I am most grateful.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © nenablue.com
Dominant Traits - Fear of Failure?
Fear of being inadequate to lead a submissive in the manner they deserve sounds downright paralyzing to me as this follower describes it. I don’t personally possess that fear of failure though I share the same concern for success, if that makes any sense. I always want what is best for my Muse and yet I am human and have self-centered wants and desires too. My concerns are not fear of inadequacy but rather fear of acting out of self-centered motivation, not in the best interest of my Muse. There is a definite difference. I cannot think of a time where I failed to act when I needed to, but did I always act out of selflessness and love? I continually question my motives to determine their purity.
I have every confidence in my abilities as a man, a Dominant, and a mentor, but perhaps just as importantly, I posses a well-understood awareness of my limitations. I do not practice Dominance beyond the limits of my ability…but I practice Dominance very confidently within them.
Where I get concerned and introspective is when I am guiding the life of my Muse in very deep and profound ways, leading her to important life decisions from which there can be no turning back. Here I admit not to fear and inaction, but to a genuine concern and tendency to pause. I always want to be sure that I am truly guiding from a place of knowledge and love rather than manipulating from a place of self-interest and desire. These are the times when I have to check my motives and really think about what it is I am doing and saying. Am I guiding for her best interest or manipulating for my personal gain? It sounds simple and obvious but the lines, I assure you, are far more blurry than one might imagine.
When a submissive truly puts their life and heart into the hands of a Dominant, it is indeed an awesome and perhaps even fearsome responsibility. And I do mean responsibility a Dominant can literally hold that person in their hands and help shape them into something really quite exquisite or unwittingly destroy them. That is power. That is the essence of the power exchange. Its not simply about floggings, orgasms, or tying someone up. Those are mere metaphors and symbols for something far deeper. There is every reason to be concerned about making a mistake…but allowing oneself to be paralyzed to inaction based upon the fear of making mistakes is to achieve nothing. We all make mistakes…I have made them, large and small, both physical and emotional with my Muse. Being dominant is not synonymous with being omnipotent. A Dominant is a leader, not a God. A Dominant will make mistakes.
The biggest mistake I see of all by many Dominants is a failure to admit mistakes, to being fallible, human, something other than Godlike. Being a Dominant means being a leader. Leaders take measured risks to achieve greater rewards. Sometimes they fuck up along the way. Leaders will dust themselves off and those around them and lead them further into battle. If people believe that their leader is honest and genuinely has their best interests at heart, they will follow that leader to the ends of the earth. So it is with Dominance. We make mistakes, we admit them, we learn from them, we apologize, we make amends, we move on deeper into the fray.
Concern for the welfare of a submissive is admirable and crucial to anyone’s success as a Dominant. However, fear of failure is simply paralyzing and frankly not very Dom-like.
One could debate endlessly whether Dominants are born or grown. I personally think it is a little of both. Leaders often emerge in school age children pretty early on. Its not so much what they know as how they carry themselves and build trust bonds. If we are lucky, this tendency toward leadership carries forward throughout life. However, simply being a leader does not equate to dominance either. There is something more that seemingly must be acquired lessons that only some experience and travel along the path of life seem to impart.
I know of some very capable and impressive young people who are leaders in their own right, but I know very few genuine young Dominants. There is a wisdom that accompanies most Dominants that only comes with not only years, but from actively observing and learning the lessons that life offers. Not just from their own mistakes and successes but from those of others as well. None of us shall ever live long enough to make all the mistakes necessary to gain wisdom on our own. We must observe the paths of others emulate their successes and avoid their failures. This is to me the root of wisdom. What we do with those lessons for ourselves, and how we impart them to others, is perhaps the root of Dominance.
So, from all this I offer that a genuine concern for being the best one can possibly be as a Dominant for the benefit of a submissive is a healthy and practical line of thinking. However, fear of inadequacy or failure is paralyzing and frankly does not strike me as carrying some of the core principles and traits of a dominant person. Confidence (not cockiness) is an absolute necessity in a Dominant. People do not follow someone who is timid and unsure. Similarly, they do not follow someone who is all of that but tries to cover it up with bluster and bravado. A submissive can see through that in very short order…at least I hope they can for their sake. Leadership requires honest yet humble confidence. Fear of failure, while honest, is not confident.
To anyone contemplating a relationship based on Dominance and submission, I would encourage some honest introspection about where you fall along the continuum between Dominance and submission or if you are even on that continuum at all. Ask yourself honestly about your own motives for wanting to be a Dominant and assess your abilities and weaknesses. Desire alone to be Dominant will not make you one. A desire to be a leader will not make you one. How do people react to you in life? Do they tend to follow you, ignore you, or avoid you? Do people gravitate to you for advice, or do they tend to go elsewhere? Do you rise to the top in a group or move to the back row? This is a good opportunity for an in-depth personal inventory and to make some decisions about who you really are versus who you might want to be. Doing so will help point out what needs to be accomplished to get there.
I for one am not necessarily what many might consider to be a born leader. My path through school and my early career did not lead anyone to believe that I was cut from leadership cloth. However, today both in my personal and professional life I am viewed as a leader in the vanilla world and in my D/s relationship. From that I infer that perhaps Dominance can be learned. The wisdom gained by actively living life, absorbing its lessons, and applying them judiciously and empathically can in fact grow a Dominant. Having strong mentors also helps. For better or for worse, today people do follow me. But to be worthy of being followed takes an honest assessment of the skills one has, and perhaps more importantly, the skills one lacks, along with a genuine desire and effort to acquire and master those missing skills. Such a self-awareness combined with hard work and confidence in one’s ability can in fact grow a Dominant. I believe that. I am living proof of that.
Am I afraid of failure? No, not at all. Am I concerned about making mistakes that could genuinely harm my submissive or lead her in a direction that could cause irreparable damage? You bet your ass I am. And for that reason, I think very carefully about everything I do as a Dominant when it comes to giving guidance or setting life altering direction for my Muse. To do anything less would be utterly irresponsible and possibly just plain greedy or manipulative. I neither want that for me as a Dominant or her as my submissive.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Dominant Traits - Coaching
I wish I had a nickel for every time I have heard or seen something from new or wannabe dominants to the effect of, “I give the orders, you will do as your are told.” It leaves me shaking my head and trying to imagine what submissive would drop to their knees in the face of such a statement. Most subs I know would tell such a “dominant” where he could stick his orders and don’t let the door hit him in his orders on the way out.
Being a Dominant is not about simply being the boss. Its not like the military where rank assumes compliance and obedience. Just because you call yourself a dominant does not make you one, especially to someone who is not your submissive. The “rank” of Dominant or Master is not assumed by the Dominant but rather is bestowed upon them by a submissive or peer group. You are not a Dominant or Master until someone else says you are, no matter how much you might wish it. Declaring oneself a “dominant” and then randomly barking orders is frankly just laughable sad really.
While I have dabbled for over three decades in BDSM and loving D/s relationships you might notice that I do not refer to myself as a Dominant in self descriptions on my blog front page. Partly that is because I was not in an active D/s relationship at the time I started this blog. To me that meant I was what I was, a 40-something male who likes to explore loving and sensual D/s relationships, and nothing more. In my mind I did not become a Dom again until my Muse asked me to take her under my hand and identified me as her “Sir” or Master. She gave me the right to the title again, I did not assume it.
This is an important point because it cuts to the heart of why a Dominant has the authority to give “orders” in the first place. A Dom only has power over a submissive because they have been granted that power by the submissive. And submissives don’t just grant that power because someone sewed the rank of “dominant” on their own leather. They grant the power of authority to someone whom they respect, trust, desire, and believe has their best interests at heart. They grant the power to someone they see as a competent leader, a mentor, and a coach. They grant the power to someone with whom they feel completely safe and protected. Then and only then does a Dominant have the built-up cache to be able to give instructions and orders.
So yes, I as a Dominant do in fact give orders. But my orders are not simply motivated by a desire for blind obedience by another human being but rather are often targeted at a higher purpose. Sure, sometimes they are for my personal pleasure, but by and large they are designed to craft the kind of relationship that both my Muse and I desire. They are designed to instill knowledge, establish norms of behavior, set expectations for performance, and above all, challenge my Muse to be the best person she can possibly be both in and outside of our relationship. They are also designed to similarly challenge me. I always strive to be a better person, a better partner, a better Dominant, and have our mutual interests always at heart. Or at least I try my very best.
It is that which motivates my Muse to be obedient and compliant. Her awareness that I am always striving for both of us to be the best that we can be for one another, and everyone we come in contact with, motivates her to want to always be better, be more.
Being a Dominant is not so much about assuming authority as it is about being a leader. A leader earns the right to lead from those being led. My Muse follows me because she desires to be led by me. I have never told her she should or has to. Therefore, my Muse gives me all the power I have as a Dominant. What I do with that power is up to me. But if I use that power unwisely or selfishly, it will evaporate and my Muse will opt to vote with her feet. So it is with most any D/s relationship. D/s is, after all, a consensual agreement between two free people and thus can be terminated when one or the other is not satisfied. D/s and even M/s are not true slavery, even when we choose to call it that.
So then, if a Dominant is not simply a boss by virtue of positional authority then what is he? I argue that a Dominant is in fact a leader, a coach, and perhaps above all a mentor. According to Webster, a mentor is “someone who is looked upon for wise advice and guidance.” Note that it is the mentee who does the looking, not the mentor. Mentors don’t just grab people off the street and say, “I am going to be your mentor.” A mentor is adopted in a sense by someone who has great admiration and respect for them, by someone who in essence “wants what they have.” The same is fundamentally true of being a Dominant. We can certainly go looking around at the pool of potential subs and make our own advances, but ultimately, it is the submissive that decides who will be their leader or if they will take on a leader at all. It is that decision by the submissive that empowers the Dominant, and that decision is only earned, not taken.
So coaching and mentoring are very much a part of being a Dominant and indeed may be the most important of skill sets. Teaching, guiding, and leading are all soft skills that many people do not associate with the hard exterior of a Dominant, but in point of fact, they are the very skills that empower a person to be dominant. People will not willingly follow a domineering oppressor for very long, but a skillful and compassionate leader will garner legions of followers. The challenge then becomes choosing who among the would be followers is worthy of being led. That my friends is dominance worthy of the title, Dominant or Master.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
"I won’t ask for a spanking! I will just misbehave until I get one." Cute sentiment, but absolutely unacceptable behavior by a submissive in my opinion. In fact, thoughts such as these are not submissive at all but more a form of self-serving dominant behavior a passive aggressive form of topping from the bottom. In scene terms, this sort of behavior is generally considered that of a brat sub not something viewed particularly favorably by most Dominants. In fact, such behavior by a submissive reflects poorly on their Dominant who has clearly failed to establish and maintain boundaries and protocol as displayed by the submissive for all to see. As is often said, it is the submissive who demonstrates what sort of Dominant she answers to.
Now don’t get me wrong, being a submissive does not necessarily imply that one has to give up their entire personality and become some form of mindless automaton (being a slave might have other implications). There is certainly room in my D/s relationship for playfulness and even the expression of desire by my Muse. That freedom of expression does not mean that she will always get her way, but she is free to express herself, her needs, and her desires. If she desires something specific she may respectfully request it, “if it pleases you Sir.” What she receives in return might in fact be what she asked for now or at a later time of my choosing, something else entirely, or nothing at all. But my response to her request is always for our mutual good and benefit. In other words, my Muse is encouraged and free to ask, she just may not always receive in the manner and time requested, though often she does. Bottom line, the choice is mine.
On the other hand, brat behavior or topping from the bottom is never acceptable in my view and is met with disapproval and something other than what a submissive might be seeking. Brat behavior such as seeking a sensual spanking or other self-centered pleasurable activity through misbehavior or failure to perform never results in the “punishment” sought but rather something else far more distasteful or displeasing such as writing about why topping from the bottom is inappropriate behavior times or more.
As important as it is for a Dominant to reward excellence, correct errors in a timely, fair and educational manner, and only punish for willful misconduct, it is equally important never to inadvertently reward topping from the bottom with a desired outcome. To do so sends mixed signals to a submissive about the role they play in the relationship and expected behaviors and boundaries.
One does not have to be a stern task master all of the time to accomplish this. My Muse has scope to be playful and even “take advantage or control” of her Sir now and again in a sensual or sexual sense. She is allowed to proverbially and literally “be on top” and “have her way” with me now and again. Hell, it is fun for both of us. But we both know when this occurs it is because I allow or desire it, not because she is topping from the bottom. There is a subtle but important psychological difference. In other words, she is allowed to have her fun too, but within the confines of our protocol and always knowing who is ultimately the Dominant and who is the submissive. In effect, even when she is “having her way with me” it is understood that it is because I am allowing it and desire it. In a strange way, “having her way” is still understood to be performing a service for her Dominant.
Here on Tumblr as in my personal D/s life, I focus heavily on the emotional aspects of D/s relationships and in doing so tend to write much of love, respect, honor, trust, and emotional bonding. One could infer from my writing that I am something of a “kinder gentler” Dominant who is soft and mushy with his submissive and therefor perhaps “not all that Dominant.” That would be a mistake.
I do indeed go to great lengths to build strong emotional bridges and bonds between my Muse and me, and I relish in her strong personality and playfulness. In many respects I encourage my Muse’s growth both in life and as a submissive, at times guiding her and encouraging her to be more assertive with her needs and desires and be less of a people pleaser. This may appear to be a strange and seemingly counterintuitive role for a Dominant but one that is quite familiar to many practicing and experienced Doms. However, while I am a deeply emotional being desiring a strong heartfelt tie with my submissive and encouraging her independence in many facets of life, my boundaries and expectations are clear, my enforcement of those boundaries consistent and firm, and my will resolute.
I cannot think of a time that I have ever had to raise my voice to my Muse or in any way forcefully call her out. A few softly uttered words, a look, a hand on the shoulder, even a raised eyebrow are enough to stop her in her tracks and do a complete reset. This is indeed a significant form of power that I enjoy with my Muse. But it exists not in spite of my emphasis on emotional bonding and concern for her growth and personal expression but because of it. The closer our bond, the greater our trust and respect, the more guiding my efforts toward her personal growth, the more riveted she is on me, my desires, my needs, my boundaries, and our protocol. The more she desires to serve her Sir.
There is no doubt that every now and then my Muse slips toward a tendency to top from the bottom. She is after all a very dominant person in her daily life and in her household. Submission is not her default setting as it were. Yet submission is something she not only desires but craves. Perhaps because it is not her natural predisposition she has a need to be able to submit all the more and it takes a firm and steady hand to bring her to that state of submission and keep her there. That does not mean that she is a brat sub by any means, she is not. My Muse does not willfully set out to have her way by manipulating her Dominant. She does however have a strong personality, as many submissive’s do, and seeks a firm and guiding hand to take control and use that control wisely. Allowing her to top from the bottom would in fact be a let down for her and a failure on my part to give her what she most craves the ability to submit without question or reservation.
As a submissive, topping from the bottom or otherwise attempting to manipulate a Dominant into granting specific desires is not only a sign of poor submission and perhaps even more so a sign of poor Dominance, it is a submissive cheating themselves out of that which they most crave the ability to submit completely, serve devotedly, and clear that cluttered mind for a time of the need to fix, manage and control. I strongly recommend that submissives not undermine that which they most crave submission.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
This image, though not particularly titillating or revealing, always seems to stop me in my tracks. Its not so much the quality of the image that attracts me as what is says about the quality of the D/s relationship that I strive for. And just like a real relationship, this image for me is all about the little things.
This presumably imaginary model couple are displaying trust, affection, and passion. Their bond is evident beyond the bondage in a passionate embrace and kiss. Their roles as Dominant and submissive are emphasized beyond the obvious chains, cuffs and collar by their superior and inferior physical positioning the ratio of clothing to bare skin his gentle grasp of the chain her supine exposed breast and belly, a universal sign of submission to, and trust of, a leader in the animal kingdom.
The bond depicted here speaks not of subjugation by bludgeoned force but rather willing and eager submission to a powerful and respected leader. There is a desire to consume and be consumed and yet there is also an equally evident desire to protect and be protected. There is security within the aura projected by the Dominant and emotional and sexual validation and sense of being needed provided to the Dom by the affection, trust and desire of the submissive. There is mutual desire and mutual need. There is mutual fulfillment.
When I look at an image such as this I see so much more than bondage pornography. I see a mirror of the D/s relationship I strive for with my Muse that has long been lacking in our respective lives. I see the embodiment of two people who crave one another and through the growth of themselves and their D/s bond have come to not only desire but to actually need one another. No one thing brings about this sort of bond, its the culmination of many small things that add up to one irresistible attractive force. Ultimately, the D/s bond that my Muse and I know is a based upon a long series of unmet needs mutually fulfilled.
In our D/s relationship as in this image, it is not that we are so stunningly beautiful, fit the stereotypical BDSM imagery, or even scene particularly hard with one another. The image we portray to the world is that of a vanilla couple of pretty average appearance and manner with which we carry ourselves. We don’t stand out in a crowd other than for our obvious age difference. But our relationship, like that depicted in this image, stands out to anyone who gives even more than a passing glance. We are bonded together fiercely and strongly. But it is not a show, it is not presented to the world as a badge of honor. It just is. It is who we are and how we are when we are together.
Here on Tumblr and elsewhere in life, it is my observation that some folks seem to try too hard, perhaps in an effort to be something they are not or to be more “dominant” or “submissive” than the next person. I suggest casting aside for a time the strutting and posturing, seeking to portray and certain image of what a “proper” D/s relationship should “look” like. Its not the clothes, adornments, hardware, titles or even how hard we can play that make for Dominance and submission. The power and mutuality of a D/s bond are often the result of being aware of and attentive to one another’s heart and mind. The D/s fire and passion that can be ignited results from trust, respect, and the mutual fulfillment of unmet needs. And in these instances, in my personal experience, it is all about the little things.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © Ken Marcus
This is the beauty, the essence, the crucial part.
Everything I do, be it a touch, a breath, gentle or firm. A sensation. Hot or cold. Pleasant or a bit less so perhaps.
Unexpected sensations from unexpected sources perhaps, a strawberry or a chili each leaving an impression in their own way. A vampire glove or a feather, a breeze or a bolt of lightning. Oh yes, candle and ice cube.
Each gasp and goose bump in response as if a reward. Each scream from your lungs, each throbbing in your core.
Every reaction the key to the next action. Patiently waiting for each sensation perhaps, or moving on before you catch your breath. Oh yes that moan, that gasp, that quiver quite enough. For now. Until the next action.
Because I might just give a little more, nay might take a little more, still. Always. Until I have exactly what I want.
M. / Her Liege
image: Fredi Scholze
BDSM - Life vs. Art
You know all those pictures that seem so hot and turn us on with their depictions of Dominance, submission, bondage, corporal, rough sex and even humiliation? The hand to the neck, the marks on the ass, the cock impaling a throat, the crawling down the street on all fours. These images stir something deep within those of us with a yearning to Dominate or submit in the sexual realm. They ignite a fire within that leads us to want to do these very things for ourselves or to another. They are the visual embodiment of a fantasy long held and that quite frankly is a good thing to my way of thinking. Nothing wrong with a kinky fantasy or the desire to act it out in our own lives.
But once we begin actually playing these scenes for ourselves, life at times does not completely imitate art. BDSM, really good BDSM, is hard. It takes considerable skill to make a scene flow seamlessly and without hiccup, interruption, or misstep. Perfect timing and pacing to maintain a mood, or carrying the sensations a submissive is experiencing along flawlessly, takes considerable practice and knowledge of a partner. And even at that, it is not always easy to keep things clicking just as you desire them. It is quite common to discover that the desires and kinks we thought would turn us on based upon images and our fantasies are, in practice, not all that enticing after all or may feel uncomfortable and even threatening.
Even those who have a great deal of experience and who go to great pains to identify limits and adhere to them can stumble. We are humans after all and our minds are often more fertile and forgiving playgrounds than reality. In a recent encounter with my Muse, here are just a few of the missteps and discoveries that could have derailed a scene or even a relationship had it not been for our close communication, extreme level of trust, and substantial empathy and willingness to be flexible.
** That hand to the throat that seems so sexy in pictures suddenly incites unanticipated panic with the slightest application of pressure.
** That cock so craved to be buried deep in the throat symbolizing utter submission results in uncontrollable gag reflex activation no matter how hard one tries or desires otherwise.
** Those red marks that seem so sexy in the pictures hurt. No, I mean they REALLY hurt! More than may be either pleasurable or desirable.
** The ropes so carefully tied so as not to cut off circulation or rest on any pressure or nerve points still result in fingers going numb…for a day or two.
** The silicone anal lube and toys so carefully chosen for comfort and flexibility result in a painful burning internal skin reaction.
** The desire to kneel and crawl being so intense yet damaged ankles and knees preclude doing so for more than a moment or two.
** The vibrator that in pornographic depictions of repeated orgasms results instead in over-stimulation and deadened sensation. Orgasm fail.
Any one of these might serve to derail an otherwise good scene or spoil the mood irrevocably in BDSM play. The fact that they all happened in a few short hours yet did not derail the scene or result in a cessation of play speaks to an ability to sense trouble, communicate, adjust, refocus and move on. In short, it is a sign of the trust we have in one another, the empathy we share, and the desire to please and be pleasing even in the face of the unexpected or error.
We have some skill, my Muse and me. We know a bit of what we are doing and have a clear picture of our hard and soft limits. Yet for all that, stuff still happens on occasion sometimes more than others. And the more intense the scene, the faster the pace, the greater the exploration, and the harder the play, the more likely it is that unforeseen things crop up.
I am fortunate that I have never truly harmed anyone in the course of scene play and I go to great lengths to educate myself in hopes of never doing so. But that does not make me infallible as a Dom. I make mistakes. Things happen that were not foreseen. My Muse reacts in ways even she did not anticipate at times sometimes good, sometimes not. Success lies not in being perfect or infallible but in being knowledgeable, aware, empathic, and quick to change course when something seems amiss, and to do so gracefully and without a lot of fuss so as not to completely derail a scene. When life interferes with the fantasy, a good Dominant will strive to address the issue quickly and effectively and with the minimum amount of fuss so as not to lose the mood achieved thus far in a scene. They will also work to reestablish the mood, if lost, in a manner and pace appropriate to the submissive and their needs. A great Dominant however, will know not only how to continue effectively, but when not to continue at all and switch immediately to aftercare.
Things happen. Art is fantasy. Life is messy and complicated. As Dominant and submissive we strive to meet one another’s needs and compliment one another’s fantasies and desires. But sometimes even our own fantasies do not translate well into the real world and are best left as fantasy. But then, you never know until you try, which is why it is so very important to have a trusted, aware, and compassionate partner with whom you can safely explore and plumb the depths of your fantasy world. For when reality interferes with the fantasy, it is only our partner who stands between the two and can either keep the dream alive or save us from the nightmare.
Art inspires fantasy and fantasy inspires art, but every now and then life just does not cooperate. How we address those moments and move beyond them truly defines us as a D/s couple and the strength of our bond.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
My fingers, of course, can reach in, brush gently, grab, pinch, explore, until every nook and cranny is familiar, inside and out. Cover and caress, each bump, crease, goosebump, time and again.
Skin on skin then, eyes wide open, no room for shadows. The slightest touch enough perhaps to make them go away this time, show all your glory in the brightest daylight.
I don’t care about the colour of your doubts, the size of your demons, they are mine too. And if I will have you, I will have you flaws and all. Greedy, remember?
Touch oh yes, inside, outside, what hides in the shadows and in broad daylight, until I know exactly how each and every part of you fits with each and every part of me. Touch I must, light and dark, the good, the bad and the better, all of it. Mine.
M. / Her Liege - image: Tono Stano - leave credits intact
The ‘exterior’ of D/s can seem so cold at times, ‘negotiations’, checklists, limits, consent. And for sure, these things are very important. But at the same time, they are also a small part of what D/s can be.
We reach deeper into each other than most people in a non-D/s relationship. It is, obviously, why all these ‘formalities’ are so important. But it is also part of what makes these connections so exceptional.
In exposing our deepest secrets, fears, desires and needs, we create a unique connection. Two people baring themselves, allowing another into their most hidden places (and I don’t mean anal, this time -) ). Giving the deepest and most vulnerable parts of themselves, honestly, openly.
It creates such close connections, and it inevitably also creates intimacy. Perhaps the notion of a flogger hitting skin is not everyone’s idea of a beautiful connection, but it is. Perhaps someone immobilised in tight bondage and face fucked is not everyone’s idea of intimate, but it is. A sub being fed from the fingers of a Dom? Does it get more intimate, more trusting, closer?
In D/s, we touch others more deeply with what we do, how we do things. Because we open ourselves up to each other and because we find unique ways to connect. This means that, between two people in such a relationship, a finger dragged down a naked spine can mean as much as a slap on the ass. It means a fist in hair can mean as much as a whisper, a stroke with a cane as much as a kiss.
We can call it ‘exploring the deepest secrets’ or an anal fuck, call it ‘stroking skin with sharp stings’ or cropping an ass, between a Dom and a sub it can be the most intimate moment. Each unique touch the mark of a unique bond.
A simple hand on a hip, a lock of hair twisted around a finger, a stroke with a whip, or a hand on a throat, they can signify ownership, dominance, control, and so much more. But they can also signify the closest, most profound and most intimate connection possible.
M / Her Liege - image from the movie ‘Intimacy’ - leave credits intact.