For The Love of a Submissive
NSFW - Over 18 Only Please
Dominants are not great because of their technique but because of their passion, honor and integrity.
Submissives are not great because of their obedience but because of their love, trust and devotion.
Welcome! Here I share my views of loving and sensual Dominance and submission and other forms of power exchange. I am a 40-something male who relishes the mental, sensual, emotional and sexual aspects of D/s relationships. To me, D/s is first and foremost about the mind once a mental and emotional D/s bond is established, the body has no choice but to follow. Feel free to look around, share your thoughts and feelings with me, and generally engage in a dialogue on the topic.
Frequently Asked Questions About D/s Relationships and BDSM
More About This Site and its Author
The Reading Room - A place where you can find links to the fictional D/s stories and non-fiction posts by the blog's author.
The Reference Room - Sources of good information (books and links) for those interested in exploring D/s and BDSM
"For the Love of a Sub Photo Gallery" - A companion photo blog that contains D/s images not seen on this site. New photos added continuously.
Originally, the "For The Love of a Submissive" blog was designed to tell a fictional story of Domination and submission and the first 480 posts make up that story. The blog progressed chronologically from the start of the relationship to the conclusion of the story and as such is best read from the beginning. You can find the story and navigate to the various "chapters" directly using the links contained in The Reading Room.
Dominant Traits - Fear of Failure?
Fear of being inadequate to lead a submissive in the manner they deserve sounds downright paralyzing to me as this follower describes it. I don’t personally possess that fear of failure though I share the same concern for success, if that makes any sense. I always want what is best for my Muse and yet I am human and have self-centered wants and desires too. My concerns are not fear of inadequacy but rather fear of acting out of self-centered motivation, not in the best interest of my Muse. There is a definite difference. I cannot think of a time where I failed to act when I needed to, but did I always act out of selflessness and love? I continually question my motives to determine their purity.
I have every confidence in my abilities as a man, a Dominant, and a mentor, but perhaps just as importantly, I posses a well-understood awareness of my limitations. I do not practice Dominance beyond the limits of my ability…but I practice Dominance very confidently within them.
Where I get concerned and introspective is when I am guiding the life of my Muse in very deep and profound ways, leading her to important life decisions from which there can be no turning back. Here I admit not to fear and inaction, but to a genuine concern and tendency to pause. I always want to be sure that I am truly guiding from a place of knowledge and love rather than manipulating from a place of self-interest and desire. These are the times when I have to check my motives and really think about what it is I am doing and saying. Am I guiding for her best interest or manipulating for my personal gain? It sounds simple and obvious but the lines, I assure you, are far more blurry than one might imagine.
When a submissive truly puts their life and heart into the hands of a Dominant, it is indeed an awesome and perhaps even fearsome responsibility. And I do mean responsibility a Dominant can literally hold that person in their hands and help shape them into something really quite exquisite or unwittingly destroy them. That is power. That is the essence of the power exchange. Its not simply about floggings, orgasms, or tying someone up. Those are mere metaphors and symbols for something far deeper. There is every reason to be concerned about making a mistake…but allowing oneself to be paralyzed to inaction based upon the fear of making mistakes is to achieve nothing. We all make mistakes…I have made them, large and small, both physical and emotional with my Muse. Being dominant is not synonymous with being omnipotent. A Dominant is a leader, not a God. A Dominant will make mistakes.
The biggest mistake I see of all by many Dominants is a failure to admit mistakes, to being fallible, human, something other than Godlike. Being a Dominant means being a leader. Leaders take measured risks to achieve greater rewards. Sometimes they fuck up along the way. Leaders will dust themselves off and those around them and lead them further into battle. If people believe that their leader is honest and genuinely has their best interests at heart, they will follow that leader to the ends of the earth. So it is with Dominance. We make mistakes, we admit them, we learn from them, we apologize, we make amends, we move on deeper into the fray.
Concern for the welfare of a submissive is admirable and crucial to anyone’s success as a Dominant. However, fear of failure is simply paralyzing and frankly not very Dom-like.
One could debate endlessly whether Dominants are born or grown. I personally think it is a little of both. Leaders often emerge in school age children pretty early on. Its not so much what they know as how they carry themselves and build trust bonds. If we are lucky, this tendency toward leadership carries forward throughout life. However, simply being a leader does not equate to dominance either. There is something more that seemingly must be acquired lessons that only some experience and travel along the path of life seem to impart.
I know of some very capable and impressive young people who are leaders in their own right, but I know very few genuine young Dominants. There is a wisdom that accompanies most Dominants that only comes with not only years, but from actively observing and learning the lessons that life offers. Not just from their own mistakes and successes but from those of others as well. None of us shall ever live long enough to make all the mistakes necessary to gain wisdom on our own. We must observe the paths of others emulate their successes and avoid their failures. This is to me the root of wisdom. What we do with those lessons for ourselves, and how we impart them to others, is perhaps the root of Dominance.
So, from all this I offer that a genuine concern for being the best one can possibly be as a Dominant for the benefit of a submissive is a healthy and practical line of thinking. However, fear of inadequacy or failure is paralyzing and frankly does not strike me as carrying some of the core principles and traits of a dominant person. Confidence (not cockiness) is an absolute necessity in a Dominant. People do not follow someone who is timid and unsure. Similarly, they do not follow someone who is all of that but tries to cover it up with bluster and bravado. A submissive can see through that in very short order…at least I hope they can for their sake. Leadership requires honest yet humble confidence. Fear of failure, while honest, is not confident.
To anyone contemplating a relationship based on Dominance and submission, I would encourage some honest introspection about where you fall along the continuum between Dominance and submission or if you are even on that continuum at all. Ask yourself honestly about your own motives for wanting to be a Dominant and assess your abilities and weaknesses. Desire alone to be Dominant will not make you one. A desire to be a leader will not make you one. How do people react to you in life? Do they tend to follow you, ignore you, or avoid you? Do people gravitate to you for advice, or do they tend to go elsewhere? Do you rise to the top in a group or move to the back row? This is a good opportunity for an in-depth personal inventory and to make some decisions about who you really are versus who you might want to be. Doing so will help point out what needs to be accomplished to get there.
I for one am not necessarily what many might consider to be a born leader. My path through school and my early career did not lead anyone to believe that I was cut from leadership cloth. However, today both in my personal and professional life I am viewed as a leader in the vanilla world and in my D/s relationship. From that I infer that perhaps Dominance can be learned. The wisdom gained by actively living life, absorbing its lessons, and applying them judiciously and empathically can in fact grow a Dominant. Having strong mentors also helps. For better or for worse, today people do follow me. But to be worthy of being followed takes an honest assessment of the skills one has, and perhaps more importantly, the skills one lacks, along with a genuine desire and effort to acquire and master those missing skills. Such a self-awareness combined with hard work and confidence in one’s ability can in fact grow a Dominant. I believe that. I am living proof of that.
Am I afraid of failure? No, not at all. Am I concerned about making mistakes that could genuinely harm my submissive or lead her in a direction that could cause irreparable damage? You bet your ass I am. And for that reason, I think very carefully about everything I do as a Dominant when it comes to giving guidance or setting life altering direction for my Muse. To do anything less would be utterly irresponsible and possibly just plain greedy or manipulative. I neither want that for me as a Dominant or her as my submissive.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Dominant Traits - Coaching
I wish I had a nickel for every time I have heard or seen something from new or wannabe dominants to the effect of, “I give the orders, you will do as your are told.” It leaves me shaking my head and trying to imagine what submissive would drop to their knees in the face of such a statement. Most subs I know would tell such a “dominant” where he could stick his orders and don’t let the door hit him in his orders on the way out.
Being a Dominant is not about simply being the boss. Its not like the military where rank assumes compliance and obedience. Just because you call yourself a dominant does not make you one, especially to someone who is not your submissive. The “rank” of Dominant or Master is not assumed by the Dominant but rather is bestowed upon them by a submissive or peer group. You are not a Dominant or Master until someone else says you are, no matter how much you might wish it. Declaring oneself a “dominant” and then randomly barking orders is frankly just laughable sad really.
While I have dabbled for over three decades in BDSM and loving D/s relationships you might notice that I do not refer to myself as a Dominant in self descriptions on my blog front page. Partly that is because I was not in an active D/s relationship at the time I started this blog. To me that meant I was what I was, a 40-something male who likes to explore loving and sensual D/s relationships, and nothing more. In my mind I did not become a Dom again until my Muse asked me to take her under my hand and identified me as her “Sir” or Master. She gave me the right to the title again, I did not assume it.
This is an important point because it cuts to the heart of why a Dominant has the authority to give “orders” in the first place. A Dom only has power over a submissive because they have been granted that power by the submissive. And submissives don’t just grant that power because someone sewed the rank of “dominant” on their own leather. They grant the power of authority to someone whom they respect, trust, desire, and believe has their best interests at heart. They grant the power to someone they see as a competent leader, a mentor, and a coach. They grant the power to someone with whom they feel completely safe and protected. Then and only then does a Dominant have the built-up cache to be able to give instructions and orders.
So yes, I as a Dominant do in fact give orders. But my orders are not simply motivated by a desire for blind obedience by another human being but rather are often targeted at a higher purpose. Sure, sometimes they are for my personal pleasure, but by and large they are designed to craft the kind of relationship that both my Muse and I desire. They are designed to instill knowledge, establish norms of behavior, set expectations for performance, and above all, challenge my Muse to be the best person she can possibly be both in and outside of our relationship. They are also designed to similarly challenge me. I always strive to be a better person, a better partner, a better Dominant, and have our mutual interests always at heart. Or at least I try my very best.
It is that which motivates my Muse to be obedient and compliant. Her awareness that I am always striving for both of us to be the best that we can be for one another, and everyone we come in contact with, motivates her to want to always be better, be more.
Being a Dominant is not so much about assuming authority as it is about being a leader. A leader earns the right to lead from those being led. My Muse follows me because she desires to be led by me. I have never told her she should or has to. Therefore, my Muse gives me all the power I have as a Dominant. What I do with that power is up to me. But if I use that power unwisely or selfishly, it will evaporate and my Muse will opt to vote with her feet. So it is with most any D/s relationship. D/s is, after all, a consensual agreement between two free people and thus can be terminated when one or the other is not satisfied. D/s and even M/s are not true slavery, even when we choose to call it that.
So then, if a Dominant is not simply a boss by virtue of positional authority then what is he? I argue that a Dominant is in fact a leader, a coach, and perhaps above all a mentor. According to Webster, a mentor is “someone who is looked upon for wise advice and guidance.” Note that it is the mentee who does the looking, not the mentor. Mentors don’t just grab people off the street and say, “I am going to be your mentor.” A mentor is adopted in a sense by someone who has great admiration and respect for them, by someone who in essence “wants what they have.” The same is fundamentally true of being a Dominant. We can certainly go looking around at the pool of potential subs and make our own advances, but ultimately, it is the submissive that decides who will be their leader or if they will take on a leader at all. It is that decision by the submissive that empowers the Dominant, and that decision is only earned, not taken.
So coaching and mentoring are very much a part of being a Dominant and indeed may be the most important of skill sets. Teaching, guiding, and leading are all soft skills that many people do not associate with the hard exterior of a Dominant, but in point of fact, they are the very skills that empower a person to be dominant. People will not willingly follow a domineering oppressor for very long, but a skillful and compassionate leader will garner legions of followers. The challenge then becomes choosing who among the would be followers is worthy of being led. That my friends is dominance worthy of the title, Dominant or Master.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
"I won’t ask for a spanking! I will just misbehave until I get one." Cute sentiment, but absolutely unacceptable behavior by a submissive in my opinion. In fact, thoughts such as these are not submissive at all but more a form of self-serving dominant behavior a passive aggressive form of topping from the bottom. In scene terms, this sort of behavior is generally considered that of a brat sub not something viewed particularly favorably by most Dominants. In fact, such behavior by a submissive reflects poorly on their Dominant who has clearly failed to establish and maintain boundaries and protocol as displayed by the submissive for all to see. As is often said, it is the submissive who demonstrates what sort of Dominant she answers to.
Now don’t get me wrong, being a submissive does not necessarily imply that one has to give up their entire personality and become some form of mindless automaton (being a slave might have other implications). There is certainly room in my D/s relationship for playfulness and even the expression of desire by my Muse. That freedom of expression does not mean that she will always get her way, but she is free to express herself, her needs, and her desires. If she desires something specific she may respectfully request it, “if it pleases you Sir.” What she receives in return might in fact be what she asked for now or at a later time of my choosing, something else entirely, or nothing at all. But my response to her request is always for our mutual good and benefit. In other words, my Muse is encouraged and free to ask, she just may not always receive in the manner and time requested, though often she does. Bottom line, the choice is mine.
On the other hand, brat behavior or topping from the bottom is never acceptable in my view and is met with disapproval and something other than what a submissive might be seeking. Brat behavior such as seeking a sensual spanking or other self-centered pleasurable activity through misbehavior or failure to perform never results in the “punishment” sought but rather something else far more distasteful or displeasing such as writing about why topping from the bottom is inappropriate behavior times or more.
As important as it is for a Dominant to reward excellence, correct errors in a timely, fair and educational manner, and only punish for willful misconduct, it is equally important never to inadvertently reward topping from the bottom with a desired outcome. To do so sends mixed signals to a submissive about the role they play in the relationship and expected behaviors and boundaries.
One does not have to be a stern task master all of the time to accomplish this. My Muse has scope to be playful and even “take advantage or control” of her Sir now and again in a sensual or sexual sense. She is allowed to proverbially and literally “be on top” and “have her way” with me now and again. Hell, it is fun for both of us. But we both know when this occurs it is because I allow or desire it, not because she is topping from the bottom. There is a subtle but important psychological difference. In other words, she is allowed to have her fun too, but within the confines of our protocol and always knowing who is ultimately the Dominant and who is the submissive. In effect, even when she is “having her way with me” it is understood that it is because I am allowing it and desire it. In a strange way, “having her way” is still understood to be performing a service for her Dominant.
Here on Tumblr as in my personal D/s life, I focus heavily on the emotional aspects of D/s relationships and in doing so tend to write much of love, respect, honor, trust, and emotional bonding. One could infer from my writing that I am something of a “kinder gentler” Dominant who is soft and mushy with his submissive and therefor perhaps “not all that Dominant.” That would be a mistake.
I do indeed go to great lengths to build strong emotional bridges and bonds between my Muse and me, and I relish in her strong personality and playfulness. In many respects I encourage my Muse’s growth both in life and as a submissive, at times guiding her and encouraging her to be more assertive with her needs and desires and be less of a people pleaser. This may appear to be a strange and seemingly counterintuitive role for a Dominant but one that is quite familiar to many practicing and experienced Doms. However, while I am a deeply emotional being desiring a strong heartfelt tie with my submissive and encouraging her independence in many facets of life, my boundaries and expectations are clear, my enforcement of those boundaries consistent and firm, and my will resolute.
I cannot think of a time that I have ever had to raise my voice to my Muse or in any way forcefully call her out. A few softly uttered words, a look, a hand on the shoulder, even a raised eyebrow are enough to stop her in her tracks and do a complete reset. This is indeed a significant form of power that I enjoy with my Muse. But it exists not in spite of my emphasis on emotional bonding and concern for her growth and personal expression but because of it. The closer our bond, the greater our trust and respect, the more guiding my efforts toward her personal growth, the more riveted she is on me, my desires, my needs, my boundaries, and our protocol. The more she desires to serve her Sir.
There is no doubt that every now and then my Muse slips toward a tendency to top from the bottom. She is after all a very dominant person in her daily life and in her household. Submission is not her default setting as it were. Yet submission is something she not only desires but craves. Perhaps because it is not her natural predisposition she has a need to be able to submit all the more and it takes a firm and steady hand to bring her to that state of submission and keep her there. That does not mean that she is a brat sub by any means, she is not. My Muse does not willfully set out to have her way by manipulating her Dominant. She does however have a strong personality, as many submissive’s do, and seeks a firm and guiding hand to take control and use that control wisely. Allowing her to top from the bottom would in fact be a let down for her and a failure on my part to give her what she most craves the ability to submit without question or reservation.
As a submissive, topping from the bottom or otherwise attempting to manipulate a Dominant into granting specific desires is not only a sign of poor submission and perhaps even more so a sign of poor Dominance, it is a submissive cheating themselves out of that which they most crave the ability to submit completely, serve devotedly, and clear that cluttered mind for a time of the need to fix, manage and control. I strongly recommend that submissives not undermine that which they most crave submission.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
This image, though not particularly titillating or revealing, always seems to stop me in my tracks. Its not so much the quality of the image that attracts me as what is says about the quality of the D/s relationship that I strive for. And just like a real relationship, this image for me is all about the little things.
This presumably imaginary model couple are displaying trust, affection, and passion. Their bond is evident beyond the bondage in a passionate embrace and kiss. Their roles as Dominant and submissive are emphasized beyond the obvious chains, cuffs and collar by their superior and inferior physical positioning the ratio of clothing to bare skin his gentle grasp of the chain her supine exposed breast and belly, a universal sign of submission to, and trust of, a leader in the animal kingdom.
The bond depicted here speaks not of subjugation by bludgeoned force but rather willing and eager submission to a powerful and respected leader. There is a desire to consume and be consumed and yet there is also an equally evident desire to protect and be protected. There is security within the aura projected by the Dominant and emotional and sexual validation and sense of being needed provided to the Dom by the affection, trust and desire of the submissive. There is mutual desire and mutual need. There is mutual fulfillment.
When I look at an image such as this I see so much more than bondage pornography. I see a mirror of the D/s relationship I strive for with my Muse that has long been lacking in our respective lives. I see the embodiment of two people who crave one another and through the growth of themselves and their D/s bond have come to not only desire but to actually need one another. No one thing brings about this sort of bond, its the culmination of many small things that add up to one irresistible attractive force. Ultimately, the D/s bond that my Muse and I know is a based upon a long series of unmet needs mutually fulfilled.
In our D/s relationship as in this image, it is not that we are so stunningly beautiful, fit the stereotypical BDSM imagery, or even scene particularly hard with one another. The image we portray to the world is that of a vanilla couple of pretty average appearance and manner with which we carry ourselves. We don’t stand out in a crowd other than for our obvious age difference. But our relationship, like that depicted in this image, stands out to anyone who gives even more than a passing glance. We are bonded together fiercely and strongly. But it is not a show, it is not presented to the world as a badge of honor. It just is. It is who we are and how we are when we are together.
Here on Tumblr and elsewhere in life, it is my observation that some folks seem to try too hard, perhaps in an effort to be something they are not or to be more “dominant” or “submissive” than the next person. I suggest casting aside for a time the strutting and posturing, seeking to portray and certain image of what a “proper” D/s relationship should “look” like. Its not the clothes, adornments, hardware, titles or even how hard we can play that make for Dominance and submission. The power and mutuality of a D/s bond are often the result of being aware of and attentive to one another’s heart and mind. The D/s fire and passion that can be ignited results from trust, respect, and the mutual fulfillment of unmet needs. And in these instances, in my personal experience, it is all about the little things.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © Ken Marcus
This is the beauty, the essence, the crucial part.
Everything I do, be it a touch, a breath, gentle or firm. A sensation. Hot or cold. Pleasant or a bit less so perhaps.
Unexpected sensations from unexpected sources perhaps, a strawberry or a chili each leaving an impression in their own way. A vampire glove or a feather, a breeze or a bolt of lightning. Oh yes, candle and ice cube.
Each gasp and goose bump in response as if a reward. Each scream from your lungs, each throbbing in your core.
Every reaction the key to the next action. Patiently waiting for each sensation perhaps, or moving on before you catch your breath. Oh yes that moan, that gasp, that quiver quite enough. For now. Until the next action.
Because I might just give a little more, nay might take a little more, still. Always. Until I have exactly what I want.
M. / Her Liege
image: Fredi Scholze
BDSM - Life vs. Art
You know all those pictures that seem so hot and turn us on with their depictions of Dominance, submission, bondage, corporal, rough sex and even humiliation? The hand to the neck, the marks on the ass, the cock impaling a throat, the crawling down the street on all fours. These images stir something deep within those of us with a yearning to Dominate or submit in the sexual realm. They ignite a fire within that leads us to want to do these very things for ourselves or to another. They are the visual embodiment of a fantasy long held and that quite frankly is a good thing to my way of thinking. Nothing wrong with a kinky fantasy or the desire to act it out in our own lives.
But once we begin actually playing these scenes for ourselves, life at times does not completely imitate art. BDSM, really good BDSM, is hard. It takes considerable skill to make a scene flow seamlessly and without hiccup, interruption, or misstep. Perfect timing and pacing to maintain a mood, or carrying the sensations a submissive is experiencing along flawlessly, takes considerable practice and knowledge of a partner. And even at that, it is not always easy to keep things clicking just as you desire them. It is quite common to discover that the desires and kinks we thought would turn us on based upon images and our fantasies are, in practice, not all that enticing after all or may feel uncomfortable and even threatening.
Even those who have a great deal of experience and who go to great pains to identify limits and adhere to them can stumble. We are humans after all and our minds are often more fertile and forgiving playgrounds than reality. In a recent encounter with my Muse, here are just a few of the missteps and discoveries that could have derailed a scene or even a relationship had it not been for our close communication, extreme level of trust, and substantial empathy and willingness to be flexible.
** That hand to the throat that seems so sexy in pictures suddenly incites unanticipated panic with the slightest application of pressure.
** That cock so craved to be buried deep in the throat symbolizing utter submission results in uncontrollable gag reflex activation no matter how hard one tries or desires otherwise.
** Those red marks that seem so sexy in the pictures hurt. No, I mean they REALLY hurt! More than may be either pleasurable or desirable.
** The ropes so carefully tied so as not to cut off circulation or rest on any pressure or nerve points still result in fingers going numb…for a day or two.
** The silicone anal lube and toys so carefully chosen for comfort and flexibility result in a painful burning internal skin reaction.
** The desire to kneel and crawl being so intense yet damaged ankles and knees preclude doing so for more than a moment or two.
** The vibrator that in pornographic depictions of repeated orgasms results instead in over-stimulation and deadened sensation. Orgasm fail.
Any one of these might serve to derail an otherwise good scene or spoil the mood irrevocably in BDSM play. The fact that they all happened in a few short hours yet did not derail the scene or result in a cessation of play speaks to an ability to sense trouble, communicate, adjust, refocus and move on. In short, it is a sign of the trust we have in one another, the empathy we share, and the desire to please and be pleasing even in the face of the unexpected or error.
We have some skill, my Muse and me. We know a bit of what we are doing and have a clear picture of our hard and soft limits. Yet for all that, stuff still happens on occasion sometimes more than others. And the more intense the scene, the faster the pace, the greater the exploration, and the harder the play, the more likely it is that unforeseen things crop up.
I am fortunate that I have never truly harmed anyone in the course of scene play and I go to great lengths to educate myself in hopes of never doing so. But that does not make me infallible as a Dom. I make mistakes. Things happen that were not foreseen. My Muse reacts in ways even she did not anticipate at times sometimes good, sometimes not. Success lies not in being perfect or infallible but in being knowledgeable, aware, empathic, and quick to change course when something seems amiss, and to do so gracefully and without a lot of fuss so as not to completely derail a scene. When life interferes with the fantasy, a good Dominant will strive to address the issue quickly and effectively and with the minimum amount of fuss so as not to lose the mood achieved thus far in a scene. They will also work to reestablish the mood, if lost, in a manner and pace appropriate to the submissive and their needs. A great Dominant however, will know not only how to continue effectively, but when not to continue at all and switch immediately to aftercare.
Things happen. Art is fantasy. Life is messy and complicated. As Dominant and submissive we strive to meet one another’s needs and compliment one another’s fantasies and desires. But sometimes even our own fantasies do not translate well into the real world and are best left as fantasy. But then, you never know until you try, which is why it is so very important to have a trusted, aware, and compassionate partner with whom you can safely explore and plumb the depths of your fantasy world. For when reality interferes with the fantasy, it is only our partner who stands between the two and can either keep the dream alive or save us from the nightmare.
Art inspires fantasy and fantasy inspires art, but every now and then life just does not cooperate. How we address those moments and move beyond them truly defines us as a D/s couple and the strength of our bond.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
My fingers, of course, can reach in, brush gently, grab, pinch, explore, until every nook and cranny is familiar, inside and out. Cover and caress, each bump, crease, goosebump, time and again.
Skin on skin then, eyes wide open, no room for shadows. The slightest touch enough perhaps to make them go away this time, show all your glory in the brightest daylight.
I don’t care about the colour of your doubts, the size of your demons, they are mine too. And if I will have you, I will have you flaws and all. Greedy, remember?
Touch oh yes, inside, outside, what hides in the shadows and in broad daylight, until I know exactly how each and every part of you fits with each and every part of me. Touch I must, light and dark, the good, the bad and the better, all of it. Mine.
M. / Her Liege - image: Tono Stano - leave credits intact
The ‘exterior’ of D/s can seem so cold at times, ‘negotiations’, checklists, limits, consent. And for sure, these things are very important. But at the same time, they are also a small part of what D/s can be.
We reach deeper into each other than most people in a non-D/s relationship. It is, obviously, why all these ‘formalities’ are so important. But it is also part of what makes these connections so exceptional.
In exposing our deepest secrets, fears, desires and needs, we create a unique connection. Two people baring themselves, allowing another into their most hidden places (and I don’t mean anal, this time -) ). Giving the deepest and most vulnerable parts of themselves, honestly, openly.
It creates such close connections, and it inevitably also creates intimacy. Perhaps the notion of a flogger hitting skin is not everyone’s idea of a beautiful connection, but it is. Perhaps someone immobilised in tight bondage and face fucked is not everyone’s idea of intimate, but it is. A sub being fed from the fingers of a Dom? Does it get more intimate, more trusting, closer?
In D/s, we touch others more deeply with what we do, how we do things. Because we open ourselves up to each other and because we find unique ways to connect. This means that, between two people in such a relationship, a finger dragged down a naked spine can mean as much as a slap on the ass. It means a fist in hair can mean as much as a whisper, a stroke with a cane as much as a kiss.
We can call it ‘exploring the deepest secrets’ or an anal fuck, call it ‘stroking skin with sharp stings’ or cropping an ass, between a Dom and a sub it can be the most intimate moment. Each unique touch the mark of a unique bond.
A simple hand on a hip, a lock of hair twisted around a finger, a stroke with a whip, or a hand on a throat, they can signify ownership, dominance, control, and so much more. But they can also signify the closest, most profound and most intimate connection possible.
M / Her Liege - image from the movie ‘Intimacy’ - leave credits intact.
What put you there is irrelevant now.
Let’s say it was words. My words.
What keeps you there is the question.
No, not a whip, nor my hands on your skin.
There is no leather or rope in sight.
What keeps you there is not force, except
the strength of your desire and my will.
words: M. / Her Liege - image: Ambrose & Wether - leave credits intact
Training in D/s
This issue has always been a bit of a sore point with me … primarily because the notion of “training girls” gets thrown around so casually and thoughtlessly … and most often with connotations that can’t help but leave one to think of the process as no more than teaching a thoughtless animal to perform tricks on demand …
If that’s your particular take on things … to each his own I suppose … but I have to say that it doesn’t resonate with me at all … there may well be some sense in which submissive behaviour can be … and indeed is to some extent … modified in a similar way to that which would be used by a trainer when working with a dog or a horse for example … I just feel however … very strongly … that those who would limit themselves to this avenue are missing something much deeper and more to the point entirely …
Yes we are creatures of the earth so to speak … both Dom and sub … subject to our lusts … just like those other animals we like to think of as “lower” … but neither of us is ever simply that either … and this is something so obvious I can’t think I should really need to explain it …
So of course you may look to treat me like “Pavlov’s dog” … and possibly make some headway … watch her sit up and bark on command … watch her prance around to capture your attention … watch her suck that cock like the sweet little pet she is … great stuff I’m sure … but if that’s all you look for just be aware … you will get no more …
True obedience … from a living breathing woman … can never be trained in that sense … it can’t be coerced or manipulated into existence … it can only be earned …
Real devotion is a higher order response … that flows from the human soul … and it won’t be inspired to answer to the call of a shallow tyrant or a narcissistic child with a whip … who never looks beyond the easy rewards of action and reaction … and looks to think of and treat “submissives” as if they are no more than mindless “creatures” …
Certainly we will often “play” in ways that evoke that aspect of our natures … the beasts within us … so in that context she may well be reduced to an animalistic level in those moments … as a function of mutual consent … but the fact remains … in a larger sense she is never less than what she always was … a whole human being of equal value …
Real training must therefore appeal to that other level … the mind that thinks … the heart that loves … the soul that aches to bond with yours … it must reach inside … speaking seduction to all you are … if it is to win any kind of true and lasting obedience …
To be trained therefore … in the sense I think of it … is rather to be shown … carefully and with respect … how a submissive may find in you a safe place to realize her natural inclinations … a home where the obedience that wants to flow from her heart will be valued and used by one who actually knows exactly what it is that he holds in his hands …
No need for the dog training then … you will have all in the only way that could ever really matter … the gift of a life … from one heart to another … the surrender of her soul … pure and honest devotion … as free as the butterfly that wants only to light on your finger … when you call it home …
Dominant Traits - Claiming
One of the erotic pleasures a submissive experiences in a D/s relationship is to be utterly claimed and taken by their Dominant. I am not referring to forced sex or God forbid, rape. I am talking about being completely possessed by the One who has been chosen for such a privilege. To be willingly and completely overwhelmed emotionally, physically and sexually. To have all reason and responsibility so swamped by the controlled passion and will of the Dominant that there is nothing left but to succumb to the sensation and feeling of the moment. To submit utterly and completely to the momentary higher power that is their Dominant.
A Dominant takes what is his and makes it his own, but only from a willing and able accomplice. Which is not to say that he does not take at a time, place and mood of his choosing. The submissive may not always be prepared or even eager in that moment, but in the context of the D/s relationship and the agreements and protocols of the couple, the Dominant takes what has been given in ways and times of his choosing. Sometimes there is a long dance leading to the ultimate claiming, an introduction and prelude to the final act. Other times it is seemingly random and sudden a shot out of the dark, jarring, unexpected, adding to the rendered feelings of helplessness and surrender. But either way, this Dominance leads to consensual surrender and is all part of the grander D/s dance of the couple.
A submissive longs to be claimed and even used by their Dominant but only in ways that have been previously agreed to. The hard and soft limits established between Dominant and submissive form the boundary of experience, the fence around the playground as it were. But within that playground the Dominant is given free reign to push and prod and explore and challenge. There may be limits on the activities but often no limits on the pace. Part of claiming is often in fact a function of timing and ferocity of the Dominance in addition to the intensity of sensation. Or conversely it may be slow and measured, controlled in the extreme to the point of denial and madness. Either way, the force of will of the Dominant drowns the submissive in a sea of mental, emotional and physical sensation, leaving them helpless but to be tossed about by the waves and currents generated by their Dominant. And they would have it no other way.
There is something primal in the act of claiming and being claimed. Something akin to the proverbial cave man taking what we want, using it for pleasure or procreation, forgoing all the niceties and societal norms of behavior and just laying claim and taking. None of the phone calls and dating, dinners and flowers, romancing and bowing. Sometimes we just want to take or be taken, use or be used, serve or be served, be the instrument or the musician. But we only want this for and by the one we have chosen for that honor and privilege. The illusion only works if we know that we are safe, desired, honored and will be cared for and cherished or even forgiven when it is all over. Unlike the stereotypical cave man who clubs his quarry and drags her by the hair back to his lair, our D/s claiming only feels that way for a time. We all know that shortly there will be a coming down and aftercare, cuddling and loving, a gradual return to our daily lives. It is an illusion, but a most compelling one to be sure.
One of the most difficult things for a new Dominant is to bring themselves to be Dominant enough. It is often surprising how much more a submissive desires to give than a loving and caring Dominant is prepared to take. While a Dominant may in fact be effective in their emotional and psychological dominance there can be hesitation in the physical realm, a genuine concern not to harm their submissive, push too hard, or risk being rejected for the strength of their desires or perhaps not forgiven for their actions.
This is a healthy empathy to have as a Dominant but it can also serve to hold one back unnecessarily. As often as I hear from submissives about so-called dominants who in fact are nothing but abusers in disguise, I also hear from submissives about Dominants who are just not dominant enough a longing to be used and taken more than seems to be within the capability of their Dominant. It could reasonably be asked then, how can they be a Dominant if they are not dominant enough? We are talking about degrees of Dominance here, not questioning ability or the presence of natural dominant tendency.
A submissive is alternately more delicate and tougher than we tend to think, both physically and mentally. When handed the reigns, a Dominant can push pretty darn hard and the submissive will both relish it and bounce back rather surprisingly. On the other hand, with the wrong words or insensitive actions, a Dominant can damage a submissive mightily and perhaps permanently. Being too dominant in play or scene is generally not the undoing of a D/s relationship being uncaring or unfeeling frequently is.
So when a submissive gives her Dominant permission and scope to be taken, she darn well means that she wants to be. Do so! Claim her. Take her. Challenger her. Bend her. But do not break her. Stay within the fence she has put around the playground but otherwise play hard and even a little rough. Its OK. She comes to her Dominant with the hope and expectation that she will be pushed and prodded yet still kept safe. She longs to be overwhelmed by the One for whom she kneels. There is a distinct and important difference between hurt and harm and it is best that Dominant and submissive sort out which is which and where those boundaries are. One is okay, the other is not.
Claiming is indeed a Dominant trait and a longing to be claimed is just as equally a trait of submissives. It is part of why we fit hand-in-glove together so well. Matching the degree to which one desires to claim or be claimed is the key to meeting one another’s needs, and for some there will simply never be a meeting of the minds. But when we find a partner who has complimentary desires and needs, the D/s dance is like no other intense, fiery, passionate, even primal.
Take and be taken, claim and be claimed, and you will feel a connection to one another bordering on the sublime.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Reclaiming some of my words…
My Slut, NOT A Slut
My Muse is at times, and by her choice, my slut. She can be a wanton, needy, desperate ball of sex and sensuality. She can throw herself at my feet begging to please me in the basest manners. She will plead to be spanked and fucked and taken and generally used as a tool of my pleasure. In short, she can be the sluttiest woman I have ever met and I love her for it. But that said, my Muse is anything but a slut. Indeed she is rather conservative, a bit prim, has a great deal of respect for herself and her femininity, and is guarded with her emotions and sensuality. Indeed most men would see her as reserved, aloof and even a little standoffish. The antithesis of a slut.
I have never been one to find the “popular” girls particularly attractive. The undulating, underdressed bodies seeking attention on the night club dance floor, or the wildly popular cheerleader who sleeps with half the football team are not for me. I have never found such behaviors either appealing or sexy, regardless of how physically attractive the person. The classic “slut” behaviors have always had quite the opposite effect on me a complete turnoff. Perhaps I simply do not share well. Or perhaps I prefer a challenge.
Give me the proverbial attractive yet conservative librarian with a strong mind and sense of self, substantial self-respect, a modicum of modesty and restraint, who turns into a submissive vixen behind closed doors for her One and I am hooked utterly slain. That in short is my Muse. I cannot think of anyone who would look to her and even remotely think “slut” when they meet her. She would rather be reading, listening to classical music and tending her garden than being on the hunt for men. But behind closed doors, beyond the light of those who know her, a caged sensual animal craving to be set free resides. But the keys to the cage are not given to just anyone. Only one is granted the key to that lock. But once in the hand of the One she has chosen, that key opens a side to her that no one else has ever seen and that in some instances she didn’t even know existed. A metamorphosis occurs and my Muse becomes My slut. MY slut. Mine.
It is perhaps the juxtaposition of the two extremes between her reserved conservative face to the world and her wanton slutty inner self that makes my Muse’s submission so very powerful and rewarding. I know that I am receiving something very special from my Muse to which I and I alone have been granted access. Submission is not her default personality and does not come particularly naturally. I have worked very hard to unlock this hidden part of her, and she in turn gratefully and enthusiastically rewards me with submission and service. Like a precious gem stone, its the rarity that makes her submission so exciting and intoxicating. There are lots of shiny objects in the world, yet only a certain few truly capture our imagination and make us treasure them for their rare beauty. My Muse and her submission are just such a gem.
If my Muse flirted with every guy that walked by, threw herself at the feet of many, or took her submission lightly, she would hold little interest and reward for me and would not be particularly worthy in my view of the hard work I put into our D/s relationship. But the fact that my Muse, My slut, is anything but “a slut” in life, holding that part of herself exclusively for me, makes her submission the most intoxicating and rewarding gift ever.
My Muse craves to be My submissive slut, but anyone who deigns think of her or refer to her as “a slut” had better be prepared for a most unsubmissive response. She is a beautiful and poised woman who just so happens to be My slut. Mine.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © MPL Studios
Footnote: For those with a differing perspective on this, I am stating here a personal preference, and am neither judging or expressing how anyone else should live their lives or conduct themselves. However that said, my blog, my personal preferences. Simple. Cheers!
It’s relatively easy to dominate through pain and rough sex. Some men need that to exert their limited sense of control. But find a man who makes you obey, without raising his voice or his hand, without so much as getting up from his chair, and I would say you are home.
Dominant Traits - Civility
Forgive me while I rant for a moment.
As I watch our elected officials here in the U.S. squabble and lob epithets and ultimatums at one another over virtually every conceivable topic, I have been reflecting on the loss of civility, decorum, and respect in the current age. Day after day I see evidence of a breakdown in the behavioral norms that I was raised with not so very long ago. The idea of treating people with respect, even and perhaps especially those we dislike or disagree with, seems to have been lost in the last few decades. I like to refer to it as the “Jerry Springerization of America,” where the nasty and tacky behavior of so called talk show “guests,” reality TV “performers,” and “celebrities” behaving badly somehow became the accepted norm of interpersonal behavior. Where labeling people replaced the use of respectful titles embarrassing and humiliating others in public took the place of discretion and a personal sense of shame intolerance, dogma and ideology replaced compromise and statesmanship respect for institutions and beliefs replaced with scorn, derision and even vandalism shouting and interruption seemingly forever casting aside thoughtful discourse and rational discussion.
Even the so-called “News” is little but one carefully chosen “commentator” attacking the intelligence of another in a running battle of epithets and insults rather than any actual journalism. It is entertainment by argument. Ralph Kramden, Archie Bunker and Lucille Ball were entertaining when they argued with their sitcom spouses, but they always kissed and made up at the end of the half hour. Everything I see today in media, politics and real life shows people doing little but stalking off to their corners in anger plotting their next attack or revenge. It all leaves me feeling rather cold.
I personally find this behavior today both in public and private to be offensive, reprehensible and downright disgusting. We have become so self-obsessed with our own egos - feelings, desires, needs, and dogmas - that no one else and their views or needs are of any importance or value. It feels quite literally like a breakdown in society in favor of the individual and I believe it is wrong from an interpersonal to a global scale. It can lead us to no good.
Among the many things that attract me to D/s is the highly respectful, ritualized, and formal way in which we often communicate with one another as Dom and sub and among our broader D/s community. Relationships built on Dominance and submission often have a language and form of interaction all their own that can vary quite dramatically from filthy to formal, even within the same couple. A scene with my Muse may begin by speaking softly in highly ritualized formality. Doing so sets the tone of mutual respect and obedience to authority. As the scene progresses that formal tone likely shifts to something far more raunchy as the recipient of my passion and desire transforms from being “my beautiful and loving Muse” to “my dirty girl and wanton slut.” Yet surprisingly, even the latter is in its own way deeply respectful and ritualized. It is part of our dance, the steps to which we have long since learned and agreed to.
D/s is life by extremes in a sense. The extreme level of respect my Muse and I share between one another makes room for the level of degradation and even humiliation we sometimes allow ourselves. The very formal manner of speaking and the respectful and consistent use of titles enhances the power exchange but also serves to maintain the air of respect even when engaging in seeming overtly disrespectful activities. The establishment of, and adherence to protocol sets expectations of behavior and treatment that brings predictability to our relationship and sets standards for achievement.
It is such expectations of behavior and standards for achievement that I find so lacking in society at large a place where good enough to get by is good enough, and what I say about you doesn’t matter as long as it makes me feel better. When not in scene, my Muse and I do not always communicate in a highly stylized and formal manner. To do so would seem awkward at best, especially when out in the world. But even in private we tend to communicate as one would in any vanilla intimate relationship. We save our most formal communication and behavior for when we are in-scene or when we have something serious to discuss about our D/s relationship expectation setting, course correction, punishment, or other forms of level setting. The rest of the time we look pretty much like anyone else, with one exception.
The formality, ritual, and expected norms of behavior inherent in our D/s bond carry over into our daily lives as a couple. Not in a highly stylized manner but rather in an overall air of civility and respect. We speak to one another respectfully. We do not shout at one another. When things are not right between us we discuss them thoughtfully and seek the compromise necessary to move forward comfortably and happily. We make one another our highest priority and when we disagree we do so respectfully, explaining why we feel the way we do, endeavoring at the same time to make the other feel valued and valid for their differing point of view. The end result is that there is respect for one another and an air of civility that surrounds our obviously tight knit pair bonding both in and out of scene. Accordingly, our respectful and civil behavior toward one another extends beyond what one author termed as our “couple bubble” to the world around us. We endeavor to be respectful and civil with all whom we come into contact with. At least we try.
I do not profess that D/s is the cure all for the social ills of the world by any means, and indeed it is not something either desirable of appropriate for the vast majority of the population. I am however personally attracted to the formality, ritual, respect, and clear expectations of behavior and achievement that D/s gives us the structure to set forth. In that regard, D/s satisfies a need for me that I find lacking in much of the rest of my interaction with the world. In the context of my blog, I strive to approach people with respect and the vast majority of Tumblrs I have encountered have responded in kind with respect and civility. Here on Tumblr, as in my D/s relationship with my Muse, I seek to create that which I desire. And perhaps what I desire above all else is a world governed by moral, ethical and behavioral standards founded in respect and civility. If I cannot live in such a world then perhaps I can strive to create my own little corner of it.
One of the most surprising benefits to me of being a practicing Dominant and engaging in a committed D/s relationship has been the satisfying and gratifying level of respect and civility it has brought to my life. I find that I have a need for such decorum and strive for more of it every day.
Caption Copyright - For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Things that go drip in the night
These slow drips have been known to drive people insane.
Yes you might lie there and think you know what happens next. The cold on your skin, so close. Just cold brushing the surface, not touching, no. Just the hint, enough to cause goosebumps.
The odd drip elicits a gasp, your body reaches out, wants more, closer, touch. Any touch, even icy cold. Another drip. But want is not enough.
No reaching out, no, except for those goosebumps, and other peaks that reveal your desire. But not you, no. No touch, except another little drip.
A bit lower then. Didn’t say you could move. Don’t. The cold seems closer, does it? Or is it your imagination? No I won’t drive you insane, only with lust perhaps. Because want is not enough. Drip.
Need is what I want to see, raw, uninhibited need, desperation if you like, your body’s shameless begging, complete surrender, yes!
But most of all, pure and undiluted need. The kind that melts an ice cube. And who knows where that damned thing might go when I get what I want.
words : M. / Her Liege - image by JMB - please leave credits intact
"I am afraid of the dark", she said.
“I am your torch”, He replied.
The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility
Let’s face it, almost every one of us who has been attracted to D/s or BDSM came to it first because of exposure to some erotic imagery and the fantasy it conjured for us. Our minds wrote a story of what the images meant to us and how we fit into them. For me that first exposure came at a pretty young age and sparked something within that has never left me across the decades. Whether one identifies with submissiveness or Dominance, each of us view these images through our respective lenses and they evoke emotions and physical responses within us. For some it is simply sexual excitement while for others it is something far deeper and more visceral a yearning, a longing, a need. Still others find any introduction to BDSM completely disgusting and degrading or simply not to their liking. And you know what? That’s okay.
But for those of us who feel some lifelong yearning for Dominance or submission, the deeply seated emotional and psychological gratification produced by D/s affects us at a core level. It is not an idle sexual curiosity or titillation brought about by popular culture or social media. It is something we have harbored all of our lives and require in some form of human interaction in order to feel whole and fulfilled.
It has never been particularly easy to find like-minded people who view D/s through the lens of the yearning Dominant or submissive. Even those who were similarly inclined did not have a forum for acknowledging, let alone exploring, their desires in a safe and anonymous environment. That is until the advent of the Internet and the two-decade evolution from news groups to forums to chat rooms to social media. Finding like minded people is easier than ever. They seem to be everywhere. The difficulty now is not one of scarcity but of trying to sort the wheat from the chaff as it were identifying the people with a genuine need to experience D/s in their lives from those who just want a little kink. Both are okay, but they have very differing needs and desires that are not necessarily complimentary to one another.
There is no question that the convergence of social media and the explosion of popular curiosity about BDSM and D/s relationships, brought about in part by the Shades” phenomenon, has brought people out of the woodwork to satisfy their curiosity or simply get a little kinky titillation. Tumblr has certainly done that in spades as have other forums. It is also fair to say that it has given voice to those who have a strong need to incorporate D/s into their ongoing daily lives. For better of for worse, we are all here together.
It is fair to say that the vast majority of people exploring and satisfying their curiosity about BDSM are out to get a few kicks and have no particular desire to adopt D/s as a way of life. And there is nothing wrong with that provided it is purely a process of consumption. By that I mean observing from afar. Looking at imagery and reading texts as a form of pornography or even education is just fine and completely innocuous in my book. But social media allows us to not only observe but to also interact with other people people with real lives, real feelings and emotions. The moment we reach past the masturbatory images on the screen to communicate with someone else, we are impacting them and their lives. How we do that, and how responsible we are in that interaction, is an entirely personal decision but the results go far beyond getting ones own rocks off. This is not a “virtual girlfriend” video game, though the impersonal and remote nature of the communication can make it feel that way. Real people with families, friends, co-workers and feelings are on the other end.
So when we reach out and begin to “play” Dom or sub in the virtual space we attach an emotional leash between us as real in the mind as any leather or chain leash in the physical world. Attachments are developed and deep connections made. D/s has a way of breeding those more quickly and deeply than many other forms of relationship in my experience. We allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable to one another. And in so doing we connect in ways we might never have before. But we are also easy prey for the ill intended, inconsiderate, or just plain narcissistic. For example, when a person who really just wants to play a little at being a “Dom,” get a few kicks and maybe get laid, reaches into the heart and mind of a submissive who has a need for Dominance in a relationship and seeks a deep emotional connection, trouble is fast brewing. The submissive may feel used and in fact perhaps they have been. It is crucial that we understand what we want in the interaction, that we are honest about our desires and intentions, and that we do not lead people who have allowed themselves to be vulnerable and exposed into something they need but that we have no intention of fulfilling. In effect I am saying, be honest and play nice. Kindergarten rules.
When a Dom accepts the devotion of a submissive they also accept an enormous responsibility for the emotional and physical well being of that person. A submissive may wear a leash and allow herself to be guided by a Dominant, but in grasping that leash a Dominant accepts full responsibility for it and all that is attached to it physical and emotional. When a submissive hands herself over to a Dominant it is an awesome and even fearsome responsibility, so much so that it sometimes keeps me awake at night. My Muse has given me everything she is and I owe it to her to give her everything I am in return. The weight of bearing the leash is the same whether Dominant or submissive. A leash has two equal and opposite ends.
So while we may “play” at Dominance and submission in a scene replete with BDSM and kinky sex, there is often far more to it than that. There is often a profound emotional need deep within the Dominant and/or submissive that is being fulfilled by the bond between the two. Sometimes it is addressing needs, wounds, or things that were missing in our lives as far back as childhood. This stuff can run very, very deep and cuts badly when abused, mistreated or neglected.
As Dominants AND submissives, we have a responsibility to be aware of our partners’ needs and just how deeply our interaction is not only connecting, but also potentially completing and healing one another. In extreme instances, withdrawal of that connection can carry with it all of the intensity of feeling and emotion of a death in the family or even of oneself. When we engage in D/s and allow ourselves to connect this deeply we are treading on some very tender spots in the hearts and minds of both Dominant and submissive. Some of those tender spots may in fact be open wounds. That vulnerability and emotional access is indeed the gift of Dominance and submission, but nurturing it and caring for it is also the awesome responsibility we accept in return.
The leash has two ends. What we do with them define us as Dominant and submissive.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
A fingertip on a shoulder, a warm breath in a neck, fingers twisting a lock of hair, a nail moving slowly up an arm, a whispered word, an arm brushing past a nipple, a thumb brushing down a spine, to that spot. Yes. That one.
Possession is a wink across the room, a raised eyebrow, a soundless word, a gentle smile, an evil grin, the motion of a hand, a simple understanding that rarely needs restating in any obvious way.
A state of mind, possessed, deliciously so in every way. On both sides. The beauty of two-way traffic, give and take. Mind and body. Gentle and brutal. Every shade of the spectrum covered.
Because sometimes possession is a different hand. A firm, uncompromising grasp. Flesh not caressed, but explored, probed, taken. No questions, no hesitation. Knowing fingers posting a reminder. “Mine.”
Oh yes, possessed, and it will show, or should I say be felt. One swift hand, one whispered word. They mean so much more.
words: M. / Her Liege - image: source information welcome.
Submissive Traits - Access
"Apparently I am just supposed to spread my legs whenever he demands it." - Angry commentary to the demanding behavior of a domestic partner.
"I love giving my Sir unrestricted access to His body, any time, anywhere." - Eager acceptance of the expectations of a Dominant.
Two diametrically opposed sentiments one woman. In one circumstance she is emotionally closed to the sexual advances of a domestic partner and in the other she eagerly and unconditionally grants unfettered access to her Dominant. Wherein lies the difference? Without judging the morality or ethics of the circumstance, lets take a look at the behaviors of the two men in question and why they might have such a significantly differing impact on the same woman.
Respect - The extreme devotion and consequent high levels of sexual energy between a Dominant and a submissive do not result solely from the prospect of titillating kinky sex play as many imagine. Indeed devotion, service and sensuality are a direct byproduct of the respect a submissive has for her Dominant. In my experience, the greater the respect, the deeper the submission and service and thus the desire for sensuality and sexuality. The inverse of this is never more painfully obvious than when cocky, flogger brandishing, wannabe doms strut around issuing commands and ultimatums at “submissives.” Their success rate is low by virtue of the fact that they behave more like the demanding domestic partner in the example above than the competent Dominant who seems to “get it all.”
Domestic partners who thoughtlessly demand sexual gratification and some wannabe doms who behave similarly, have a great deal in common. They are motivated only by their own pleasure and treat their “partner” as little more than a tool to be used whenever it suits them and ignored or even cast aside when it doesn’t. There is little interest in the needs and desires of their “partner.” Conversely, a loving Dominant puts their energies into forging a trust bond and high levels of respect, the foundation of which is an abiding interest in and concern for the happiness, growth and well-being of their submissive. In doing this, the Dominant gains the respect necessary to set forth expectations of behavior and protocols that are not only met willingly but eagerly by the submissive. Far from feeling used, the submissive harbors an intense desire to be an implement of, and conduit for, the pleasure and service of her Dominant. She will go to great lengths to please the One who works so hard to nurture, empower and protect her.
So while the Dominant appears on the surface to be making demands and giving orders, it is the respect that has been carefully and consistently earned that cultivates the willingness and desire to serve on the part of their submissive. The so called “commands” are simply clarifying instructions and direction at that point. It is a process of motivation not demand. In the case of the domestic partner who has lost respect as a result of their behaviors and actions over time, including shattered trust, there is no foundation for giving orders or setting expectations. Their demands just come across as unreasonable, self-serving, and from an unworthy source. The seemingly dominant sexual advance is met not with willingness and devotion but with stone cold rejection and resentment.
Devotion - I often make reference to the remarkable devotion of a submissive to her Dominant, but what of the devotion of a Dominant to their submissive? The necessary respect mentioned above cannot be the hollow by-product of a con job or manipulation. It has to be genuine and it has to be consistent, or a submissive will see right through it and react as she would to a demanding and domineering domestic partner with rejection and resentment. Respect that is earned honestly and without falter results in devotion. And that devotion is the bedrock foundation of a desire to serve. But how does this come to be? I would argue that it is the Dominant who practices devotion and service to the submissive first, and with great consistency, that leads to the consequent respect and possibly eventual devotion and service by the submissive. Devotion is earned. It is not cultivated overnight. It can never be commanded.
Service - Earning respect and garnering devotion, unlocks the untapped desire of a submissive to serve and be of service. This simple sentence to me explains all there is to know about why a woman who has come to view themselves as having submissive needs would crave to serve one man and outright reject any other.
When a Dominant gains the trust and respect of their submissive they not only create an environment of desire but also safety both physical and, perhaps most importantly, emotional. The Dominant, through their nurturing and protective (not smothering) way, makes it possible for a submissive to sense and express feelings long repressed. The Dominant enables a submissive to talk about anything, explore ideas and desires long thought to be taboo, and challenges them to be better and more in all facets of their lives. As a result, the submissive feels open, safe, energized, desirous and desired. It is this nurturing process that allows a Dominant deep inside the soul of the submissive in a way no one has ever been given access before.
But once that access to the heart and mind of a submissive has been granted and that intense vulnerability exposed, she is a very fragile and delicate being that must be treated by the Dominant with considerable care, appreciation and continued devotion. This is where many domestic partners and wannabe doms completely fall flat and do great harm. Having got what they want after gaining a little access, perhaps even through outright narcissistic deceit, they turn on the submissive and use their vulnerability against them in the form of neglect, manipulation, or even abuse. Having dropped their defenses and allowed someone in, only to be trampled or ignored, the submissive is left feeling emotionally battered and cold. The walls go back up, perhaps never to come down again for the domestic partner, wannabe Dom, or any man.
The Dominant doesn’t work to tear down defensive walls but rather, like a stream flowing gently against the rocks, slowly, patiently and imperceptibly wears those walls away earning access to the inner most being of a submissive. Once there, He treads lightly and with loving respect and appreciation for the garden that lies within. In doing so, the Dominant earns and maintains the undying devotion and thus service of the submissive, in ways most men would consider to be positively unimaginable from any woman. The desire to serve the One worthy of service is unlocked by the Dominant and a wellspring of pleasure and devoted attention issues forth. It is a most powerful form of love.
Access - There is nothing that can compare to the devoted service of a submissive to their Dominant. The unfettered access to a submissive’s body granted to a Dominant is merely an outward manifestation of a much deeper access that has been granted to a submissive’s soul. But once granted and held safe in the hands of a loving and caring Dominant, no barriers exist between the two. And that is the ultimate goal of a D/s relationship.
Respect, devotion, service, access. One woman, two men ice and fire.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
A Leash Has Two Ends
"If Dominance is an act of setting someone free, and submission is an act of willfully devoting oneself to another, then who is the captor and who is the captive? A leash after all has two ends, both of which must be held. Ultimately, Dominant and submissive are bound to one another not by chains but by their own need, and the mutual fulfillment of those needs. We do for one another what no one else can or will. We are here by choice and by choice we stay. And in that choosing, we are set free to be our most authentic selves."
From the post "Dominance, Submission and Freedom" © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Dominance, Submission and Freedom
This wonderful image has been sitting on my desktop for some time now because it spoke to me about the essence of Dominance and submission. It poignantly reminds me of the role a loving Dominant plays in teaching, guiding and protecting while never holding a submissive captive. Indeed, the loving Dominant guides their submissive to be the best that they can be and in so doing sets them free free of themselves and the limitations imposed on them by upbringing, society at large, and a life lived. Ultimately it is the submissive who gratefully and graciously creates their own chains, committing themselves voluntarily to the Dominant who has taught them to fly.
The image also speaks to me of the loving emotional and physical touch of a Dominant who has the capacity to destroy yet has been grated the trust not to do so. For Dominance is not an act of holding something captive, crushing its spirit in an effort to bend it to one’s own will. The beauty and reward of submission is in fostering the soaring spirit, alive with energy and vitality, then having it come to roost forever tied to the Dominant who encourages their submissive to soar and be free. The Dominant is that perch, that safe haven, that place of rest and repose. To the devoted submissive, the Dominant is home.
The sexual and graphic BDSM depictions often associated with Dominance and submission represent but one possible element of a D/s relationship. There is no doubt that BDSM scene play to one degree or another makes up a part of many D/s relationships. And bondage, the captivity and immobilization of the submissive for the pleasure of one or both, certainly can play a role. But this physical captivity is merely symbolic of something far deeper in my experience. It is acting out the bond felt deeply within. The level of sexuality and the amount and degree of kink is but a visible manifestation of what I consider to be a necessary and foundational element of a D/s relationship the emotional and spiritual connection between Dominant and submissive.
From my perspective and that of my Muse, it is the emotional, almost elemental bond that we feel between us that drives my need to be Dominant and her need to be submissive. Guidance, respect and service are our primary stock in trade. They take on many forms, many completely non-sexual in nature. The constant D/s interplay that exists between us extends to all facets of life and thus finds its way into our intimate and sexual lives as well.
But kinky sex and BDSM scene play are not our reason for being as a couple. Our D/s bond is something that we need. And I do mean that it is a need, not a desire. At some very core level we need what we receive from one another. We fill a hole within each other that has always been there and that no other relationship has ever noticed, let alone touched or fulfilled. Our invisible chains are phsychological and emotional and extend far beyond wrists and ankles to our hearts and spirits. We willfully and willingly chain ourselves to each other and in so doing have never felt so free.
If Dominance is an act of setting someone free, and submission is an act of willfully devoting oneself to another, then who is the captor and who is the captive? A leash after all has two ends, both of which must be held. Ultimately, Dominant and submissive are bound to one another not by chains but by their own need, and the mutual fulfillment of those needs. We do for one another what no one else can or will. We are here by choice and by choice we stay. And in that choosing, we are set free to be our most authentic selves.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
There are many ways to make someone feel cherished, loved, protected, yes… owned. Some may involve ‘leather and chains’. But a lot of the time, and certainly in public, little things mean the most.
A quietly whispered ‘no’ when picking an outfit in a store, a hand on a shoulder in a restaurant, how about a quick approving nod across a room. Clearly a hand can wander, an arm may squeeze that little bit tighter, fingers twisting or tugging a lock of hair. Simple things.
Not every sub wears a collar, not every Dom has a whip hanging from their belt. D/s can be expressed in the smallest of tokens, gestures, movements, Between a Dom and a sub the raising of an eyebrow can be enough, mean more than a lengthy conversation.
Someone might hold their partner that little bit tighter than necessary, perhaps let that finger linger on bare skin just a little bit longer, that hand a slightly firmer hold, signifying perhaps just a little bit more than usual.
One finger in the right spot, just a thumb rubbing gently perhaps, causing goosebumps inside and out. Barely noticeable for an outsider, but for those to whom it matters a simple sign that says ‘you’re mine’.
Little things. So very important.
M. / Her Liege
The importance of patience as a fundamental trait of Dominance very well stated as always by her liege.
~ For The Love of a Submissive
What are we waiting for?
Pages are filled with thoughts on how we D types make subs wait until they realise the waiting is not for something that happens next, or not……
But what if that sub, sitting in that corner, is not waiting for something. What if that sub is waiting for someone.
Someone with patience. The patience to win her trust, of course. But more importantly, the patience to create a space for that sub, a safe space, a place she will perhaps one day call home.
And how about someone with the patience to wait until the sub is good and ready to show herself, turn around if you like and reveal her innermost feelings, list her needs and desires.
It is terrifying for some. And for some it might take years until they feel ready to give someone access to the depths of their heart and soul.
Now in all our Domlyness we might think we can demand these things from someone, claim their complete surrender, expect their total openness, because after all, they are our sub. Right? Well….. no.
Because, let’s face it, that sub, hiding herself in the corner, may find it difficult to just turn around and pour her heart out. Or perhaps her life so far has not exactly been about open and honest communications about her deepest feeling. Perhaps she has never talked about these things before. So why would we expect her to turn around and be an expert at it? Because we say so?
Much is said about the patience a sub may need to exercise. But before we get there, a Dom may need to practice a lot more patience still and put in the work to prove himself worthy and lure that sub out of that corner. Nobody ever said Domination wasn’t hard work.
However, it might pay off a thousandfold. Suppose we sit, talk, explore, slowly, carefully, not demanding, simply creating a framework, empty pages, empty spaces for the sub to fill if and when she feels the need.
Suppose we realise that with all this waiting, we have started off on our own journey and our sub has taken the hand we offered. Suppose that sub slowly but surely turns around and starts filling those pages and spaces with everything her heart and soul and mind have to offer.
Can there be greater reward? It’s worth working and waiting for. All we have to do then is make sure that the sub feels the same way.
M./ Her Liege
Bill Brandt. Nude, Campden Hill, London. 1947.
The Gift of Dominance
Having just returned from a prolonged absence I was greeted by a very intriguing question from a follower that put me immediately in the mindset to write again for my blog. The question involves whether Dominance is a “gift” to a submissive, what Dominance actually is, and which comes first, submission or Dominance? The question follows:
"So I’ve heard a lot of people talk about submission being a gift, given not taken. But it begs the question.. What is dominance? Is it a gift as well? And at what point.. before or after her ‘gift’? There is so much talk about her ‘gift’ and not a peep about his. The net effect of which is a bunch of guys expecting women to drop at their feet and hand over the keys to their soul. It would seem to me his gift must come first to provide the environment in which she can submit. Am I crazy?"
The questioner is not crazy, and I tend to agree. To a submissive, the right form of Dominance is indeed a priceless and precious gift received. But trying to ferret out which comes first, the Dominance or the submission is really a chicken and egg task. As with any relationship, the melding of a Dominant and a submissive is the coming together of two equal but opposite attractive forces and it happens over time.
My personal approach to Dominance strives to create an environment that allows a submissive to discover and become her most submissive self. In that regard it could be said that I give the “gift” of Dominance before ever receiving the “gift” of her submission. But I have to have some inkling that submission is there to be had in the first place. For me, it is a bit like cultivating a garden. Fertile ground is sought and tilled, seeds are sewn, watered and nurtured. Weeds are pulled. But like any garden, one never knows what is actually going to successfully grow and in what abundance until harvest time many forces conspire to make a seemingly successful planting fail.
My Muse and I met here on Tumblr and corresponded about everything two distant pen pals might discuss, only we also tended to talk about D/s from time to time. From our conversations, I knew my Muse had some inkling that she could be submissive but had no personal experience to decide whether she actually was, or even wanted to be. Indeed, her daily life was characterized by being strongly dominant within her household. I suppose you could say that my first “gift” as a Dominant was to provide a level of trust and comfort to talk about things that had never been shared with another person before. Eventually that lead to a willingness to explore new ideas, and try new things. Ultimately, it lead to our meeting in person and experiencing first hand much of what we had discussed. But it was a process of mutual discovery for both of us and it took time.
In my opinion, a person cannot truly explore their submissive needs and act on them until someone comes along who provides an atmosphere of unshakeable trust gives a sense of absolute comfort and acceptance of their thoughts, desires and body acts in a respectable and honorable manner is communicative, intuitive, and empathic and has mastered control of their own life to the extent that a submissive would want to share in the experience of that control.
So that opinion leads to a list of traits that I believe make for a good and successful Dominant and in combination make up the “gift” of their Dominance to a submissive. How this list might be applied can take on many shapes and forms and indeed is as variable as the people who make up D/s relationships. But there are some core values that I think make for a good and successful Dominant. These Dominant “gifts” (that I consider to be necessary personal traits) in no particular order include but are not limited to:
** Control over their own life self-control, self-discipline and personal success serving as an example for a submissive to respect and live by
** Honesty and integrity in all aspects of life leading to unshakable trust
** Despite dominant tendencies, consistently displays kindness, caring and compassion for others who have nothing to offer them
** Understands themselves and their own needs and desires and has a clear vision of how to achieve them
** Strong sense of intuition and empathy with what a submissive is thinking and feeling
** Emotional, physical and intellectual strength while remaining open, accessible and respectful
** Creates an atmosphere of absolute safety and security
** Sufficient life experience, knowledge and wisdom to be a mentor and teacher
** Consistent exertion of will over, and for the benefit and well being of, a submissive and the relationship
** Demand for nothing less than the best effort in all a submissive does
** Use of a submissive as a brush and canvas to quench their darkest desires
** Communicates and maintains well defined boundaries regarding accepted behavior
** Has the courage to be honest even when the reaction will be negative
** Dedicates themselves to studying the craft of BDSM and makes the D/s relationship a priority in life
** Enjoys leadership and thrives on being the one in control
** Makes their submissive feel valued, treasured, needed and absolutely accepted
** Provides and promotes disciplined behavior and thinking
** Readily communicates precisely what needs doing in order to be the best for them and satisfy all of their needs, sexually and otherwise
** Has an equal or greater level of concern for the needs of a submissive as their own and acts consistently to meet them
** Relishes pushing sensual and sexual boundaries, taking a submissive to new levels and greater heights of sensation and experience
** Inquisitive enough to want to understand the needs and boundaries of a submissive
** Unflinching respect for boundaries and limits without question or concern for personal safety
** Interests, boundaries and limits that are largely compatible with their submissive
** A desire to be in a D/s relationship every bit as much as the submissive
I am quite certain there are other traits that make up the “gift” of Dominance to a submissive and it is certainly my experience that a Dominant must consistently display these and other traits to a would be submissive before “the keys to their soul” are ever handed over.
In my own relationship with my Muse, I needed to display a consistent adherence to these traits before she came to an awareness that she felt the need to submit to me. Perhaps most importantly, I must continually and consistently live by these traits in order to maintain the relationship of Dominance and submission that we share. The moment I fail to do so is the moment our relationship begins to crumble. Therefor, I do not view my Muse’s submission so much as a “gift” as something that has to be continually worked for and earned. My personal traits are who I am but perhaps my greatest “gift” to my Muse is the intensity with which I devote myself to our relationship. My Muse, as a person, may be a gift to me from my higher power, but her submission is something I have to work for day after day for as long as I hope to hold it.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Wearing the Bonds Loosely
Mainstream self-help literature is filled with advice on setting goals and achieving them. If one simply sets the right goals and methodically strives to bring them to fruition, so say the peddlers of worldly advice, one will achieve happiness and have a contented and fulfilled life. After years of chasing dreams, and most always achieving them, I have found that a life predicated on achievement as a condition of happiness is a futile and never ending endeavor. There is always another goal, another achievement something, well…more. And a life spent wanting more is a life left wanting. It can only end with, “if only.” Chasing dreams of the future leaves us restless and discontent in the present, and besides, we humans are notoriously poor at predicting what will make us happy in the future.
So I raise this bit of philosophy because it applies equally to D/s relationships as it does to life in general. Many Doms and subs spend their days and nights striving to achieve something more to make their relationship just so the perfect bondage, the perfectly controlled orgasm, perfect protocols, perfect challenges, perfect corrections, perfect poise, perfect devotion. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard, “If I only had a collar…” I would be retired now.
Dominance and submission, in my personal experience, is not a set of goals to be achieved or conquests to make. The Dom with the most subs does not win. The submissive with the most collars has completely missed the boat. We are not trophies and conquests to be collected and traded. D/s to me is about our relations with another person or persons. Power exchange is not a pathway to a perfect union, it is a destination all its own.
One of the many great ironies that I have come to appreciate about Dominance and submission is that, while a power exchange may have the outward appearance of a firm grip by a Dom and fighting the reins by a submissive, ultimately it is about letting go. The most successful power exchange relationships I have experienced and observed are achieved when both Dominant and submissive let go of ego, let go of self, let go of expectations, and simply surrender themselves to the give and take that is D/s. I liken it to diving into a sea of trust with no life jacket or perhaps even the ability to swim. An internal knowing that all will be ok, similar to the trust of an unquestioning belief in a higher power or spiritual ever after.
This is hard to do, I grant you. Complete trust in another human being is difficult to achieve, especially after a lifetime of little and large broken trusts. But if you live in the moment and trust that the future will be taken care of in the best possible manner and is not within your control, then the present will be far more rewarding. My Muse and I strive for this, but we have our moments of trying to wrest back control, determine our fate, plan and predict our future. It doesn’t always flow.
But rather than setting goals for ourselves such as a timeline for a permanent collar, or an expectation that one or the other or both of us will reorganize our lives so that we can be together more, on bended knee we gaze deeply into one another’s eyes to find that sea of trust. We know that in this moment we are doing the best we can for each other and that there is nothing but devotion and love between us. The joy is in the knowing…in this moment. The future will take care of itself.
So on a practical level, in a BDSM scene or other power exchange manifestation, the joy is in the moment. When my Muse kneels for me, hands held loosely behind her back, I rarely rush to make something happen. The joy is in this perfect moment of surrender and devotion. There can be no more perfect union. Why hasten to something else? The silent communication between us of surrender and acceptance, desire and devotion, says more of trust and unity than most anything we could physically do together. People have sex all the time. How many people kneel for another, not because they are made to, but because they need to? It is truly something special. No need for bondage or floggers, whips and orgasms, challenges or service. The perfect power exchange can be found in the hearts and minds of the trusting and devoted Dominant and submissive.
The Bible counsels to be “in the world, not of it.” The Tao te Ching says, “A skillful traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving.” Twelve-Step programs encourage their members to “Wear the world like a loose garment.” And nearly all of the world’s spiritual traditions urge the concept of “living without attachment.”
All of these references are founded in the principle of letting go letting go of ego, self, and expectations. When we submit, truly submit, we are letting go in a way that places trust for our emotional selves, our well being, our future, and our safety in the hands of another. Similarly, Dominance in its highest forms, is a truly selfless act that involves complete immersion into the needs, safety and well-being of another. This can only happen when we let go and simply “be” immersed in and completely there for one another. This cannot happen when we hold expectations of people and the future. Wearing our bonds and bondage “like a loose garment” is the only way to completely feel the power, majesty, love, devotion, and yes even peace, that can be had when two people come together in a consensual and loving power exchange.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © Alisa Verner
"Perhaps the greatest freedom of all is the freedom of choosing not to be free."
~ For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Ownership - A State of Heart and Mind
"Mine!" I growl.
"Yours," she mews.
These two simple words passing between my Muse and I represent a feeling of attachment and devotion so profound as to nearly defy description. My Muse gives herself to me heart, mind, body and spirit. There is little she would not do for me. She is “Mine” in every sense of the word and yet I do not own her. She is not chattel property that I could purchase, sell, or give away. We do not have a Master/slave relationship in which she desires to be highly objectified or treated as a piece of property. She is a free-willed and independent person who has made a conscious decision to give herself to me unreservedly. I cannot “own” her because she could retract her position of being “Mine” at any time. And yet, there is no debate or argument that my Muse is indeed, in every sense of the word, “Mine.”
So how does that work?
Free will exercised freely is a remarkably powerful thing. When individuals or even entire societies make a decision to adopt a set of beliefs or standard of living, they will fight for and defend those values quite literally to the death. Witness eons of humans defending and battling to preserve their chosen way or life, religious beliefs or other social values. A person who has invested themselves in their core values will practice them and defend them from all comers.
But humans also have the capacity to be manipulated and controlled, sometimes by force. Societies that live under repression and aggression rarely endure. Sure, they may seemingly succeed for as long as the oppressive power remains effective and intact, but at the first signs of weakness, the first crack in the armor, repressed people will rise up and seek their own freedom and adoption of their own values. So it is with a D/s relationship in my experience. No one can force ownership.
I “own” my Muse not because I have subjugated her to the role of property. She is not my slave. No force or oppression to be found here. I “own” my Muse because she has come to know me, respect me, trust me, and appreciates how she feels about herself when she is around me. I have worked to earn her devotion and continue to do so every day. The result is that my Muse, of her own free will, has made a decision that she wants to be Mine and in so doing be “owned” by no one but me. But since she is not physical property, this ownership is a state of mind and heart, a feeling, a belief structure, a set of values that exist between us.
I liken the values inherent in a positive and healthy D/s relationship to the notion of respect and self-respect that we maintain with people around us throughout life. Respect is not a thing. It cannot be bought, sold, rented, or gifted to someone else. It is something we earn and must continue earning through our words, deeds, and values. The devotion and sense of “ownership” my Muse and I share in a D/s context is the result of a conscious and well thought out decision that has evolved over time. She did not just approach me and say, “I am yours.” That level of devotion, like trust, or respect, or even love, takes time to be earned and even more time to prove that it is enduring.
The business I see here online of “submissives” holding themselves out to any “Dom” that comes along with statements like “take me I am yours to do with as you please” is about as disingenuous and naive as the opposing statements by so-called “Doms” ordering total strangers to kneel before them and “take it.” This is not how it works at all, and while it might make for entertaining fantasy online role playing has no place in the real world of interpersonal relationships.
D/s is first and foremost a construct for two (or more) people to relate to one another in a set of values and perhaps protocols that establishes a consensual power exchange between equals. My Muse is “Mine” because I want her to be, but more important and ultimately revokable, because she has decided that she is. It is often said that a Dominant wants to be needed and that a submissive needs to be wanted. My Muse and I fulfill those wants and needs for one another and by both implicit and explicit agreement have devoted ourselves solely to each other. She is “Mine” but by the same token I am hers. It is a conscious decision of the mind and an irresistible draw of the heart.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
Submissive Traits - Service
As a Dominant, I take a view of D/s as being something far deeper and emotionally grounded than simply having kinky sex with a committed partner. By the same token I cannot say that I carry it to the extreme of being a spiritual experience as some perceive it, though there are deep emotions involved to be sure. On balance, D/s for me is a construct for relating deeply with another person in a manner in which I am most comfortable.
First and foremost I was raised in an environment where women were treated as equals, were to be respected, and where men demonstrated chivalrous traits and gentlemanly qualities. Doors were opened, chairs were held, coats offered or taken, flowers given, notes written, and sentiments of appreciation and endearment offered. Domestic duties were shared among partners. And while there were clear lines of responsibility that may have followed somewhat traditional (some might say old fashioned) lines, the women in my life were strong-willed, opinionated and often got their way. By the same token, the men in my life were strong, educated, hard-working, well-respected and kind. It was not idyllic but it was an upbringing firmly rooted in respect for the strengths of one another.
So against that backdrop come I with my desire, no actually innate need, to be Dominant in a relationship. And this perhaps explains a little about how I came to adopt the particular brand of Dominance that I practice. You see, I do not view Dominance so much as something to be achieved but rather a natural state of being that requires a certain work ethic to maintain and perfect. I do not try to be dominant it just seems to happen, though I always strive to be better at it. Similarly, I do not force my Muse to kneel, she just needs to do so and always strives to perfect her craft. Because I was raised in an environment where men behaved as gentlemen and acted in a chivalrous manner, I naturally adopted some of those traits for myself. My brand of Dominance therefor stems from striving to be a person worthy of being followed. What Dominance I possess comes from being respected rather than being forceful, aggressive or manipulative. Submission as it exists in my relationship is a high form of respect from an equal, not a state of being reduced to something lower or less than.
So clearly I am not the product of a misogynistic upbringing, indeed quite the opposite. There is no hatred or degradation of women where I come from. But there were some clear demarcations between the roles of the sexes to be sure. And that was not a negative thing at all. It was a place where differences in the sexes were celebrated and used to greatest advantage, not something to be stamped out in an effort at sameness. Difference is not synonymous with inequality.
But despite rather traditional roles among the sexes in my upbringing there was equal effort by all. No one was sitting around expecting to be waited on or to be served. Everyone just did what they do best to contribute to the effort, as I believe it should be. So with this in mind, as a Dominant I do not take the approach that I expect to be waited on hand and foot. Yet a D/s relationship demands certain protocols and expectations that are laid out between partners. I like to be served and yet in truth I am equally of service to my Muse, just in different ways. But I think it is important to understand that being served is not the same as sitting around barking orders like, “Bring me my beer, rub my feet and blow me.” As a Dominant I am but a vessel for my submissive’s inate desire to be of service, and I achieve that by being worthy of being served.
In my experience a submissive has a strong need to please and be pleasing and to serve the One they have deemed worthy of their submission. Service is indeed a bedrock expression of submissiveness. When life conspires to interfere with my Muse’s ability to serve and be her most pleasing and attentive self she actually begins to feel unworthy of my dominance and becomes her own worst critic. She also recognizes that when she is less than attentive or is “slacking” as she puts it, that it hurts me in some way that is difficult to define and thus it hurts her. Under these circumstances, not only do we miss one another and the duties of our bond, but a piece of ourselves is actually missing too. Such is the interdependence of a Dominant and submissive.
Dominance in its highest forms is an intense commitment to a relationship and to a submissive. A submissive recognizes and appreciates this commitment on the part of her Dominant and strives to be equally devoted. A submissive’s attentiveness, devotion and obedience manifests itself in service always striving to please and be pleasing to the Dominant who devotes themselves utterly and completely to their submissive. Much like the men and women in my upbringing, no one is working harder than the other. It is a shared responsibility. The effort may look different between Dom and sub, and indeed on the surface it may appear as though the submissive is making all the effort while the Dominant sits back and appreciates it. But a closer examination will reveal that it takes more than giving orders with authority to achieve what my Muse and I have.
Few moments pass when I am not thinking of my Muse and how I can do more to be a better and more competent Dominant for her. Like teachers, where only a fraction of their overall effort is evident in the classroom, a Dominant puts in considerable mental and practical effort “off hours” to make the experience of the submissive all that it can be. We do this to be worthy of submission, to guide and lead our submissive to a place where they are most happy and fulfilled, and of course to reap the rewards of that submission both physically and emotionally.
A submissive serves not only because they have an internal need to do so but also because someone has finally come along who is worthy of that service and knows how to receive it gracefully, appreciatively and without fear of it being abused or taken for granted. Indeed it is given to the One who will challenge the submissive to do even more in a way that actually encourages them to do so. Few submissives I know would kneel on aching knees for prolonged periods patiently and eagerly awaiting the next wish or command of just anyone. Yet most submissives I know would do so tirelessly for the Dominant who has won them over, heart, mind, body and spirit.
It kills me when I see so-called “Doms” bluster about, commanding “submissives” they do not even know. Even the most submissive among us would not kneel and serve a stranger just because that stranger told them to do so (unless of course the order came from their Dominant…but that is another story). Service, even if it is performed on someone else, is ultimately given to the Dominant who has earned the submission and given the direction. But this is straying into an entirely different topic, that of a submissive being shared with others by their Dominant, something that I personally have no interest in doing.
Service being offered and given by a submissive is an act of devotion and love. It fulfills a need within the submissive that has often been missing from prior relationships where service was either not expected or where it had a tendency to be abused. A Dominant serves as the vessel into which this need to serve can be poured endlessly and indeed challenged further. Anything that interferes with this ability to serve and be of service leaves the submissive feeling unworthy, unfulfilled or both. Ironically, the Dominant, by acting as this vessel for the receipt of service is in fact performing a service of their own and it is the effort of being worthy of such service that makes being a Dominant so challenging and rewarding.
Service by a submissive comes in many forms and need not always be overtly sexual, domestic, or otherwise obedient. Simply being present, devoted and attentive is a service all its own, and perhaps the most prized and valued of all.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
I understand why it would be hot to have degrading words written on you, if you are into that sort of thing.
But for me, they are always missing something. The word “My”.
I want my Sir to be proud of me. I want what I do in my daily life to be a reflection of the strength of his character, the wisdom he shares, and the type of behavior he approves of. Words of denigration don’t just lower me - they lower what *belongs to him* - and therefore he, himself.
"Whore" does nothing for me. Is this a punishment? Something you would like me to change? No? Then write instead “My Whore". Sign your name on my flesh, let every know whose good dirty little whore I am. Who I am a whore _for_.
Belonging to you, and feeling it, is hot for me and deeply satisfying. It’s the well that many of my fantasies and interests draw from. There are things I don’t really want to do, that I want to do to please you. I want you to make me because you can. Because you know that forcing me will make me just as turned on as it will you. Because you know that it deepens our connection. Because seeing me suffer for you forges a bond of lust, trust, and mutual devotion that we can’t replicate.
If it was up to me, I’d never write a word on my flesh in marker. Humiliation, in and of itself, does not turn me on.
But if you wanted me to bear words of your choosing, my only request is that you don’t forget to claim the words and the one who wears them.
I subscribe and can strongly relate to these sentiments. Thank you friend for these thoughts on a healthy D/s relationship.
~ For The Love of a Submissive
Impressions I have observed something about he and I … not really a new impression … I’ve been coming to sense this for a long time … but my visit reinforced it … The two of us blend a D/s bond into the edges of our everyday lives … both of us most comfortable with that sort of an arrangement … it’s healthy and practical … at least for us … and I dare say even those who wish and conspire to live such a relationship more intensely would never be able to build every aspect of their lives around the requirements of an activity that is … at least at its base for many people … something very intimately associated with the demands of a “sexual fantasy” … That said … there are many for whom this sort of thing is very literally not much more than a bit of idle play and exploration … such people I sometimes call “kinky players” … although I don’t at all mean this in a derogatory way … the kind of sex engaged in by millions of experimental couples every day will fall into this category … and as long as the underlying relationship is a consenting one with equivalently satisfied participants this will be perfectly fine … at least some of my own activity over the last couple years could be given such a label I think … Not so many are liable to progress beyond such a stage … for any number of perfectly valid reasons … but it will also be true that even in the case of those who do … things will almost certainly start at this level just the same … with a determination made at some point that there is a wish to evolve beyond it … This is especially true because there are some … a minority but definitely very real … for whom the desire to relate this way is particularly strong … essentially hard wired … I would include my A and I in that group … as I would a certain few friends I have met here on Tumblr … we are not a superior group … just different I believe … The point is … he and I wouldn’t want to and couldn’t live our “sex fantasy” 24/7 … be “in scene” all the time … just for purely practical reasons … almost no one ever could entirely … but even so … we live the roles in some measure every minute of our lives … simply because it is what we are … It comes out in the patience I show … my natural deference and desire to please him in every area … not just the bedroom … there is peace for me in a place of surrender to his will … while in him there is an absolute surface calm that always prevails … easy confidence and an even temper … the self assurance to say he should have the right to command what he wants and define his boundaries … while still remaining uncommonly kind and generous … a true gentleman … That is at least part of the definition of a true Dom and a true sub … at least to me … and that we have managed to come this far at all can only be because of our natural affinity … the natural match … Men without his strength and character have always left me wanting more … women who aren’t designed to accommodate the commanding aspects of his nature and consensually defer to them he could never tolerate long in an intimate relationship … What we do … how we construct our “scenes” … the manner in which we ultimately express our desires … it is in these things that the “sex fantasy” is found … the fun … the exploration … But the rest is just us … relating as we were meant to … because we were born this way …
For The Love of a Sub – Photo Gallery ftloas [ Follow www ]
It is no secret I love highly intelligent, beautiful, talented women who are constantly in control for most of their waking hours. When I take a girl like this into a BDSM relationship, I do my best to impart a sense of respect, protocol, and ritual in the journey that lies ahead. After many open-ended discussions and explorations, I uncover her wants, needs, hopes, fears, hungers, and desires, and I gain a true appreciation for where she needs to go. Once I have this insight, I proceed with conviction.
I once asked a particularly beautiful submissive a simple question as we began our journey.
"What do you crave?"
She answered without hesitation…
"I crave having you take me out of here… taking me to a place where being in control, having power, having to make decisions are no longer an option. There is freedom in that, and that is what I want from you"
We began our time together - and I soon introduced her to my requirement of not touching without permission. This same girl, who craved relinquishing power and control, recoiled and blurted out…
I smiled and explained how her pleasure now came from me - as did her orgasms. She protested, claiming it would be impossible for her to comply, how self-pleasure was just too much a part of her.
I smiled again and related how she had fallen into a solitary life of self pleasure, and described how it had become almost mechanical. I told her she most certainly knew the most efficient path to climax - to feel as if she had taken the “edge” off. Her silence was my acknowledgment.
She implored me to relent and allow some freedoms. She claimed touching was like a reflex action in times of desire as she lay in bed or showered. She related her high libido and her insatiable sex drive. I listened attentively to each carefully articulated point, and said…
"No touching without permission."
Girls like this are not accustomed to being told no. With her beauty, she could have any man she desired. No doubt she had made a mini-career out of wrapping men around her little finger. She asked why I was being so cruel - using every bit of persuasive charm she could muster.
I responded simply.
"You need to go without in order to fully appreciate joy at my hand. Every time you refrain - you will build your craving for the pleasure I give. If you do - you will experience amazingly intense, rich orgasms with me - whenever I allow you to touch or cum for me. There is no alternative - you will respect my wishes and make me proud with your sacrifice"
"How do you know I can do this? How do you know I won’t pleasure myself when you are not here and not tell you?"
And I replied…
"I know simply because I have required this of you. I chose you. I trust you. And I know you will comply."
She fell silent - like a sharpshooter who had just run out of ammunition. We did not discuss it again. And our relationship blossomed - growing richer and deeper with each passing day.
One night - after she had cum for me four times in the span of two minutes with shivers, tremors, and gut wrenching cries, I gathered her up against my chest. I listened to her breathing subside, felt the pounding in her chest slow to normal, and whispered in her ear….
"Do you remember asking why you should resist temptation?"
She smiled, snuggled deeper into my chest, and said….
"Yes, I do. And I have never felt such incredible pleasure as I do at your hand, for you. Only for you."
I love this dance.
With thanks to an anonymous follower for these poses.
© Fringe of Darkness, 2013
Eyes locked on mine.
Waiting for the next action.
And it is at that moment, that gap, where the beauty is.
Nothing has been committed yet.
The paths are endless. The anticipation boundless.
I can take this any way I choose.
Her mind is a whirlwind of different directions and possibilities.
Those eyes show me the potential for fear and wonder.
It is the perfect moment. And I try to hold it forever.
The Dirty Romantic
The beauty is in the details. Even though they won’t be individually noticed she knows that they will act together to create the effect she wants.
How straight the seams of her stockings are and the amount of soft thigh they exposed between the stocking top and her French knickers.
The height and shape of her heels, the way they accentuate the gentle curve her calf when she bends over.
The way her hair is set, knowing his hands will easily find purchase in the flowing cascade.
The amount of her breast she allows to be exposed by choosing the perfect lingerie, just enough pale soft flesh for his teeth to devour.
The final position she takes, bent across his desk, legs spread wide and her back curved in a sweeping arc. Her hands held tight, gripping the edge of the desk and her head held high.
She knows the way this makes the most of her body, rounding out her backside, lengthening the sweep of her legs, providing just a glimmer of her sweet lips.
She knows because she has taken this pose time and time before. She knows because she has studied herself in the mirror a hundred times, just to find the position she wants to achieve.
The door behind her clicks and her cunt glistens at the sound as she knew it would. She already knows he can see the wet inviting folds.
She knows he will miss these details, that his flood of passion will destroy her careful preparation. She knows in moments his strength will overcome her stance and she will be bent to his will, the control of her preparation lost to his hunger.
But she has that moment as the door clicks shut and she can feel him taking her in.
She has that moment to know all the details are perfect and she has captivated him.
For all his power and control over her, for all his mastery of her desires, she has him in her spell.
The final touch, the final detail. She shifts, barely noticeably. Her hips tilt, her head shifts letting her back curve further.
She smiles as his heavy hand wraps hard around her throat and pulls her up and in to him.
She closes her eyes and glows as his hands tear away her careful preparation and ravage her soft skin.
The smile does not leave her, even as her beast of a man throws her across his desk scattering papers to the floor.
Her glow stays even as his hands rip away the carefully selected lingerie and he plunges inside her willing body.
Her beast, her suitor, her destroyer of delicate details. She lets his desire sweep over her and overcome her.
And as she feels his teeth bite down on her carefully offered breast, she already knows she will do the same again for him tomorrow and the day after.
The Dirty Romantic
"If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Submission - An Act of Free Will
My Muse, in my eyes, is a stunningly beautiful creature. And like most beautiful creatures she is wild and free. She is her own person. I do not take from her in any way I give her the room to give. I do not tie her down I give her the room to fly and be free. And in that freedom, much to my pleasure and reward, she chooses to come back and kneel before me.
This to me is the magic of D/s. My Dominance is not a matter of exerting will over my submissive, cajoling, forcing or manipulating her into doing my bidding. My Dominance is born of establishing trust, giving room and comfort for exploration and self-introspection, being open to communication and curiosity, and above all building the confidence and self-esteem of my submissive. What she chooses to do with that trust, comfort, curiosity and self-esteem is entirely her decision. She can take that strength and venture out into the world with it or she can choose to absorb it and turn it back on me in the form of devotion, adoration, and yes, even submission. Or, in a perfect world, she can choose to do both.
Dominants worthy of the title of Master are in my experience deeply caring and empathic people. They are not simply concerned with getting their rocks off beating on a submissive or having their own sexual gratification attended to. The connection a Master forges with their submissive or slave is a profoundly deep one that can only come from a trusting and caring relationship between two people. It is the trust bond combined with a deep desire to please and be pleasing that leads to the overt manifestations of submission in the physical sense.
My Muse recently jested that I smooth talked my way into her proverbial panties, to which I responded that I did no such thing and reminded her that indeed I was invited. We laughed over it and she agreed, “Damn right you were!” Buried in that exchange though was an important message.
As a Dominant I have never taken, just accepted what was offered. That doesn’t sound very dominant does it? It almost sounds as though my Muse is controlling the pace and direction of our relationship. No, she is not in charge, I am in control thank you. But I do not control with a an iron fist it is more a tender handhold while leading a dance. A gentle squeeze here, a subtle pressure there. We both want to go to the same place, I am simply guiding us there. But she could stop the dance cold at any moment. She could stomp on my foot. She could walk off the dance floor if she likes. But that is not how it works. We both want to dance. We both want me to lead. But before I take us to a new step, a new move, a different beat, there is a subtle tacit approval that is gained. A nod of acceptance. A look of desire. Permission. Consent.
I did not order my Muse to kneel for me when we met. In her way she asked permission to do so. I did not just take it upon myself to begin out of the blue spanking my Muse in pleasure or correction. She expressed her desire for pleasure, and her need for correction. I did not just throw her around and rip her clothes off, she sought my power and asked that I use it. And I do. In my way. In my time. My Muse doesn’t always get what she wants when she wants it. That is mine to own my determination and prerogative. That is the control that I maintain. But everything my Muse experiences from me, she has sought in one way or another either overtly or subconsciously. It is part of our mutually agreed to dance.
Bondage, sensual and sexual torture, challenge, service and tasks are all part of the toolbox of Dominance. They are the physical trappings of the D/s relationship but they are not the relationship itself. Submission, real submission in its purest form, is displayed most poignantly when my Muse comes before me, lowers her eyes and bows her head in respect, crosses her hands behind her back and simply patiently waits for my will to manifest itself. The patience, the submission of will, the display of desire and trust, the knowledge and acceptance that whatever I command of her will be beneficial to us both these are the hallmarks of submission in its highest forms. It cannot be ordered, it cannot be demanded, and it cannot be gained from fear. It can only come from trust, respect, and love.
A Dominant exerts their will by genuinely fostering these traits to a greater degree than any other person the submissive has encountered. The Dominant becomes worthy of undying submission and devotion because they have bred unparalleled levels of trust, respect and love. Having achieved that, a Dominant may have most anything imaginable from their submissive, because it is the highest desire of the submissive to please and be of service to the One who has earned their most profound depths of trust, respect and love. Submission is given as an act of free will because it has been earned and will be handled with great care, concern and compassion.
The act of Dominance can best be guided by the old adage that if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. Submission is indeed a supreme act of free will freely given.
Caption © For the Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
More Thoughts on Respect Where on earth does this madness come from … the idea that there are women in this world … that can be lumped into a “category” … and on that basis have it presumed that respect is no longer required … Simply because I am “sumbmissive” I belong to some sub-human species with no dignity or worth that requires recognition? I supposedly came into this world with no right to ever expect better than degradation and dismissiveness? I enjoy rough sex … I enjoy filthy words and a man who takes charge in the bedroom … I tend towards an ultra low maintenance style in my interpersonal interactions … But I remain a human being in every way … he wins my absolute obedience exactly because he acknowledges and cherishes that humanity … not because he disdains it … he never has to “take charge” … I allow him to rule even though I would be perfectly able to take such a role myself … it is my joy and my place of rest … it completes us both … D/s cannot exist properly WITHOUT respect … however a couple may choose to “play” … wherever the fantasies and explorations may take them … when her head is held high as she follows you blindly … this is when you will know it is right …
For The Love of a Sub – Photo Gallery ftloas [ Follow www]
Two simple words. For her so hard to comply with.
She knew he wouldn’t back away now. The words were out there, hanging in space in front of her just as if he had hung a bright red neon sign beside the bed.
She also knew those words meant he had decided the time was right, she was ready.
He knew her reticence, he knew how this both scared and thrilled her. He had been thoughtful, careful but always pushing and opening her up.
She looked at him, trying to read his face. But she knew the answer already. He had told her what he wanted, he had been clear, direct. No wiggle room. And he was waiting.
Fuck. This should be simple.
She trusted him, he had gained that quickly. And he had kept it. Oh, he hadn’t been perfect, he’d messed up, pushed too hard sometimes, unthinking at times. He was no text book Dom. She knew they weren’t real, they only existed in bad books and silly fantasies. They were just people like the rest of us.
But right now that didn’t matter. This wasn’t about him, this was her inner demon to be vanquished. She tried to move but apart from an imperceptible twitch of her wrist she was frozen.
She almost laughed. She could hear his words. “Do or do not. There is no try” God he was such a fucking geek. He had driven her mad one afternoon when she told him she would try - she couldn’t even remember what it was now that she hadn’t done that had triggered his lesson. But she remembered the lesson.
He had sat her down at the table, cleared it with one sweep of his hand, his anger clattering to the floor with the clutter of the desk. He simply placed a single pencil on the table top.
"Try and pick it up." She looked at him for a moment, trying to work out the trick. Would he grab it away before she got there? He seemed to sense her thoughts and stepped back.
There was nothing then but her, the table and the pencil. And he said it again “Try and pick it up.” So she carefully leant forward, the top of the table cold against her bare breasts and picked up the pencil.
"No. Try and pick it up." He took the pencil from her and placed it back down on the table. What the fuck? She had. What the hell was he talking about. But she stayed quiet and simply leant forward and picked up the pencil again.
"No. I said try and pick it up." She was mad now. She wasn’t stupid, far from it, so what the hell was he going on about. As soon as he put the pencil back down on the table, she picked it up angrily.
He calmly took her hand, held it for a moment and eased the pencil away again. He placed it back on the table and held her hand tight for a moment. “Try”.
His hands on hers and the word and it slipped in to place. The stupid geek phrase. You can’t try. You can either do it or not.
And so sitting here, exposed, nervous, his geeky lesson comes back to her. She looks up and he is still there watching, patient.
For a moment she can see behind his stern poker face, there is affection there, concern and care.
She moves. Her hand slips away in a moment of decision and she spreads her legs wider. She keeps her eyes firmly on him and sees the spark of desire behind his eyes.
She holds his gaze for as long as she can but she knows that can’t last. This is only part of the task. She looks down, preparing.
Finally she takes a breath, looks to him one final time and this time he smiles. It is all she needs.
She looks up and stares back at the sea of faces watching her quietly. A mix of men and women, arranged behind him. All elegantly dressed, all quietly observing. She can feel their eyes on her.
And she realises that despite the fear, even though her stomach is flipping and clenching at what she sees in front of her, she wants this.
And with that realises that despite his faults, his geeky twists, his maddening persistence, he was right. He knew it before her, maybe he had always seen this in her.
She isn’t trying anymore. This is who she is. She doesn’t close her eyes but stares back at the crowd, no longer looking back at him for reassurance.
She unfurls, exposing herself completely. And embraces the moment, embraces who she is.
The Dirty Romantic
Wrapping it up
But first, there is a dance, a game to be played, Not a children’s game. In fact it isn’t a game at all. Yet it must be played, the players must explore each other just like any other pair, flirt, seduce, test the waters and perhaps eventually cast a line in the hope that that glorious creature will bite.
The beginnings of a D/s relationship need not be so very different from any other relationship. But it does involve fishing in a different pond so to speak. And yes there are far fewer fishes.
Yet, where people may happily spend years waiting for the right person to come along in the ‘vanilla’ world, once they discover their D/s inclinations, impatience so often sets in. ‘How do I find a Dom’ and ‘How do I find a sub” on the forefront of the mind as if knowing what they are looking for will make it easier. It doesn’t. For a play date or occasional scening perhaps, but not so much if we’re talking a lasting bond.
The pond is smaller, these relationships are more difficult to forge because of the wide range of uncommon needs and desires to consider. I know at least one couple who spent two years ‘negotiating’ their relationship terms before they got together even. An extreme perhaps, but it takes time to find the right partner and agree on a road to explore, and generally more time than it might in a non-D/s context.
And no, it is not a matter of casting out a line and reeling a random sub in. Just because a person is a submissive and another is a Dominant does not make them compatible. No more than a random ‘vanilla’ couple’s liking for the same food will make theirs a happy marriage for life. No, it is clearly not a matter of a Dom contacting the first available sub and claiming her submission. No.
These are first and foremost relationships like any other, between two individuals with their own likes and dislikes, needs and desires, views on life and living it. Incorporating D/s makes it more complex, not less. Regardless of any kinks or extremes the couple may wish to engage in (consensually) once they are on their journey, they need to go out and forge that relationship first.
it is rare for a first-time D/s couple to stay together for life. It is rare for a first night playdate to turn into a lifelong connection. It happens. Most people spend a lot longer finding who and what they are looking for and creating the lifelong connection they seek.
Fishing in that different pond takes patience and determination and yes, it means going out there, going fishing. But it is worth it to find the right person to wrap things up with. Or the right person to wrap up…..
words: M. / Her Liege
image: Jose Manchado [please leave credits intact]
it’s contemplation in an unexpected moment that makes a girl wetter.
to diverge along a different path, twist down a dirtier road.
take a girl who might expect something softer and a little less hard
around the edges. Instead of a bed , she’s been lashed to a beam in
what appears to be an abandoned barn. left with her thoughts
of just how dark this night will become.
~ beautflstranger 2013
If one were to take the internet at its word, anyone who wants to become a Dom must be a worker of small miracles, the homo universalis per excellence. Most of us are mere humans. What we must never forget to be, however, is a safety net, a home. Once we commit to taking charge of someone’s life, they must be able to rely on us to keep them safe.
A Dom must be the lifeline that holds the sub safe to shore, no matter how stormy the weather they face, no matter how deep the waters. And a sub must be able to rely on that lifeline as they explore, oft at the Dom’s command, dark alleys and deep rivers, high mountains and bright peaks. They must know, without question, that the Dom’s feet stay firmly on the ground.
A sub may face enormous changes and challenges for their Dom, undertake new things and travels new roads, feel insecure, shaken, uncertain of their path. At times forget to swim even.
And there the Dom must be, the anchor, the lifeline, keeping her safe. Never letting her drown. Never letting go.
M. / Her Liege
my devotion eternal, my trust complete
whichever depths i travel, i know i will not drown
©words: cat / be-pleasing-always
original image by David Samson
please leave credits intact.
Let me serve you, and let me dress the part.
Cleaning may not be the epitome of sexual excitement, but the mere thought of dressing up in a dainty little maid outfit seems to change that. It exudes servitude and seduction, an irresistible combination, particularly when it’s a size or two too small.
That is precisely why you will find me scrubbing your floors on my hands and knees. My skirt will be much too short, revealing the slutty little panties already soaking through. You will find me bending to pick your laundry off the floor, knees straight, an excellent display of the terribly low neckline. I will dust the mantelpiece in horrendously high heels and wipe the counters with my ass angled just so. I will obey your every command, do your every chore. Clean that. Throw this away. Pick that up. Wash this.
And later, your orders will change, but my obedience will not. Bend over. Get on your knees. Open your mouth. Suck my cock. I will willingly fall victim to all of your gropes and grabs and slaps. I’ll open my legs to your fingers, your mouth, your cock. I’ll lift my ass to your palm, you teeth, your scratching fingernails. My purpose would be blatantly clear.
I am there to serve.
The uniform says so.
Let me feel your power.
I want my entire being and my entire body to know that I am yours. I worry that the forceful thrusts of your barbarous fucking will not be enough, that the pleasure of your hard cock will overtake the silent “Mine” that comes with every push of your hips. No, we’re going to have to get much simpler than that. We’re going to have to get a little more risky.
You need to pin me down. You need to make me immobile, make it impossible for me to squirm and thrash. Your arms need to cage me, imprison me, and your fingers must wrap themselves around my slender neck. I need to feel my pulse pouding against your thumb, feel my blood rushing through my head, hear my heartbeat in my ears as you fuck me. I need to be overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by your authority and my smallness, overwhelmed by your physical strength and my weakness, overwhelmed by the pleasure of your cock and the discomfort of my struggling breath.
I want to look into your eyes as you make it harder to breathe and be absolutely overpowered by your control, your power, your strength, the sheer dominance that exudes from every movement of your body.
That exertion of power is what will make me cum from the depths of my submissive soul.
No need to pull, this is not tug of war. There are no prisoners, no force or need for battle.
This is a guiding hand, a lead to follow, this is a safety line in times of storm.
Let go of all struggles, because this is a road to freedom.
M. / Her Liege
image: Pavel Ryzhenkov [please leave credits in place]
Dominant Traits - Submission is Earned Not Ordered
In my seemingly endless quest to identify and describe the essence of Dominance and submission I have often found it easier to describe what it is not versus what it is. My writing it turns out has been less an act of description and more an effort to identify boundaries, framing D/s into something coherent and tangible. So once again I am going to begin with the contrast of what Dominance is not, and in so doing hopefully allude to what it is.
The greatest misconception I see from aspiring and wannabe Doms is that Dominance is about asserting active control and giving orders to satisfy one’s own desires. There is no doubt that the carrying out of commands can be a manifestation and indeed a fringe benefit of being a Dominant, but the selfish motivation is all wrong. Hubris, hedonism and narcissism are not the bedrock on which Dominance is built. Indeed, they are the enemy and even antithesis of successful dominance.
A submissive does not initially kneel because she has been ordered to. A submissive kneels because a Dominant has entered her world who recognized her deep seated need to kneel before another and serve them completely. But she does not kneel simply because she is in the company of one claiming to be a Dominant. Rather, she does so because someone has finally proven themselves worthy of her gifts and has successfully unlocked her desire to grant them without reservation.
The Dominant does not accomplish this through orders but rather through patient questioning and attentive active listening. The Dominant does not order a submissive to her knees to serve him but rather creates an environment of trust, desire and anticipation within which the submissive falls to her knees in devoted service of her own volition. Despite the pornographic BDSM imagery of force and even brutality and humiliation between a Dominant and submissive, long before there is kink and physical power exchange there is generally a full and complete emotional exchange of power. This is not done through bludgeoning or brutality but rather through patient and loving drawing out of desire. It is coaxing not command.
When my Muse first knelt for me I did not order her to her knees, she asked permission to do so. My job as Dominant was not to command but rather to enable. She reached the decision that I was the one she wanted to kneel before on her own. I simply created the environment where she felt comfortable, safe and desirous of doing so and I have the duty to continually and unfailingly nurture that environment for as long as our relationship continues. It is work. It is hard work.
A Dominant doesn’t get to enjoy this level of devotion and service by sitting back imperiously giving orders. They do so by continually and actively investing in the betterment of the relationship and the people within it. That means not only continually working to draw out the best in a submissive, but also continually seeking to be a better and more worthy Dominant. It is an active pursuit that takes hard work and unflinching dedication.
It is true that as a Dominant I get to give orders and often benefit directly from their being carried out it is indeed good to be in command. But while I may be in command today, I have to continually earn the position, and could lose it in a heartbeat through misdeed or neglect. It is a revokable honor. But I did not gain the status of command by giving orders. I can give orders because the position of command has been granted me by a submissive. This is a distinction that seems to be lost on many.
Menacingly snarling out orders like “On your knees slut” does not make anyone a Dominant, but being a Dominant earns the ability to give such orders. Before any of that, the respect and desire of a submissive must be earned and that is an act of drawing out, not commanding. Only after submission is truly earned and freely given can a Dominant presume to have the right and ability to give orders. And even at that, obedience is only obtained when there is will and desire to do so. It is the job of the dominant to foster that desire.
I would argue that the title of Dominant or Master is NOT something one confers upon oneself as I so often see here on Tumblr and elsewhere. It is an identity and honorific that is earned from and bestowed by a submissive. I may believe myself to have a dominant personality, but I am not a “Dominant” or “Master” until a submissive identifies me as hers and we agree to that relationship. Anything less is mere posturing and bluster.
So the bottom line is that submission is earned not ordered. Dominance is a gentle act of drawing out not commanding indeed it is a high form of seduction versus brutality. And while Dominants have egos, the act of dominance is not an ego-driven domineering state. It is perhaps most surprisingly an act of vulnerability and love.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image © Marcus J. Ranum
As a Dom, this statue by Malvina Hoffman, carved in marble in the 1920’s, is one of my personal favorites. It speaks so eloquently to that most precious moment when a submissive first gives herself to a Dominant and when that Dominant first accepts her submission. It is the pinnacle of vulnerability, tenderness, loving kindness, humility and trust. It is an amazing exchange not only of power but of pure love.
It was slightly over a year ago that my Muse first knelt for me. We had discussed Dominance and submission for a couple of months and explored it conceptually, talking through what it was we found respectively appealing in the roles and what we needed and hoped to get from a relationship built around Dominance and submission. Our discussions were not so much about a relationship with each other but rather a discussion of how we would carry out such a relationship with those immediately around us.
Over time it became evident that neither of us could find what we were seeking through our existing relationships and a gradual dawning occurred that we were indeed well matched to pursue a D/s relationship of our own. It was frightening at first in its complexity and unknowns, with seemingly everything conspiring to make this relationship not only improbable but impossible. From the outset the relationship seemed doomed to an idle online curiosity with no hope for any real meaningful future. Yet the draw to one another was inescapable and our conversations turned from hypothetical questions of Dominance and submission to practical discussions of what that might mean with one another. Eventually the obvious and yet ever so difficult question arose, “If I wanted to be your submissive and serve you as Master, how would I go about it?” The answer was simple, “You need only ask.”
What happened next was not unlike the scene Malvina Hoffman so beautifully captured in “The Offering.” My Muse stripped herself bare physically and emotionally, became infinitely vulnerable, knelt before me and asked with great respect and humility if I would take her as my submissive. It was and still is one the most humbling and emotionally soaring moments of this life.
We all tend to get caught up in the sexuality and kink associated with BDSM and the outward manifestations of the power exchange. And while that is all well and good, and I enjoy the kink every bit as much as the next man or woman, what keeps me coming back for more and captures my heart and imagination is the soaring emotional experience I associate with a loving D/s relationship.
There is nothing in this world short of the birth of my own child that can compare to the emotional high and depth of love that I feel when my Muse kneels before me. It has never changed from that first tentative kneeling request to the present one year later. Every time she kneels for me it is a humble, trusting and unreserved gift of herself given only to me heart, mind, body and spirit. It is indeed the ultimate offering.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive
Statue: “The Offering” by Malvina Hoffman, circa 1920’s
Happy Anniversary my Loving and Devoted Muse
It was one year ago today that the woman who would become my Muse first knelt for me, respectfully and humbly asking that I take her under my hand and guide her as my submissive. The journey that ensued has been a most remarkable and rewarding one, far exceeding my wildest expectations. And while I share small glimpses into that journey with all of you here, those little written vignettes are just that, a tiny glimmer of the love, devotion, trust, and adoration that my Muse and I share with one another. It has been a relationship like no other I have ever experienced and a year filled with emotional highs and lows, joys and challenges, exploration and self-discovery. We are changing right before our very eyes, and in the that change we are growing together.
So I thank my Muse from the bottom of my heart for a most wonderful year and look forward to our continued journey together today and into the future. And I thank you all for joining us as I attempt to share little insights into the much grander experience my Muse and I are living a D/s relationship founded in deep love and unshakeable trust.
I am profoundly grateful for the day my Muse came into my life and even more grateful for the day she transitioned from being a cherished friend to becoming my Muse. One year ago today. I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for us.
~ For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Oh, the little things we Doms do to assert a modicum of control…
My Muse and I are geographically separated by a continent making our time together in person all too fleeting and periods between seemingly endless. With time and distance as two of our greatest challenges, maintaining a continual level of Dominance and an ongoing mental and emotional state of kneeling can be difficult. In the absence of my presence, my Muse can readily take her will back and fall into domineering patterns with those around her a continent away.
So recently one Sunday morning my Muse mentioned that she had a number of errands to run and that she intended to wear a dress while doing them. This is something new for her that I have written extensively about. The notion of dressing up a little to go out in public, even for something as mundane as running errands is radically different for her and a direction that I support strongly. But lately she has been very frustrated with life and those around her and some default domineering traits have reared their ugly head. Naturally I see it as my duty to reign those in by bringing her submission to me more clearly into focus.
Proclaiming that she was going to run her errands in a dress and high wedges, looking ever so sexy I might add, my initial response was to praise her new direction and self-motivated change. But of course there was a catch, there always is with a Dominant. I had a few subtle modifications to suggest before she left the house. She was to undress again and shave herself bare. Our protocol requires that she be clean shaven but some time can elapse between shaves and today I wanted a fresh, soft start. Then she was to go out about town freshly shaved, in her dress and wedges, with her family in tow, wearing no panties. Not a big deal, except the dress is short and flowing and she lives in a rather windy place.
But it didn’t stop there. Since we are at a great distance, I expect evidence of her obedience to my suggestions and directives at all times. In this case, I required photographic evidence of her pantyless state at each stop along the way in the course of her errands. Text messaging is a marvelous invention I must say. All afternoon the pictures rolled in. From the car, the gas station, the arts and crafts store, and a variety of big box retail outlets. One after another, the views came in of my Muse’s beautiful tummy, thighs and pussy. All around town, in an out of stores, and no one but me, thousands of miles away, the wiser.
This is not easy to accomplish in public places and especially in the presence of others she has in tow with her. But all day long, one after another, evidence of her submission and compliance flowed into my phone, the effort of taking and sending each one an affirmation of our connection my Dominance and her submission.
There was one additional requirement though. Throughout her travels my Muse was to touch her bare and exposed self at every possible opportunity and edge her way toward orgasm without being permitted that final release. All day long, in parking lots, stores, and even a relative’s house she teased herself into a frenzy sharing images with me as she did. And once in a while my Muse would receive a text from me indicating that whatever she was doing, wherever she was, whomever she was with, she was to touch herself and take a picture at the first possible opportunity, edging higher and higher. For her it was challenging, sometimes inconvenient, often maddening in its sexual frustration, and a high state of active submission to her Sir. It was in fact a means of being close to one another as Master and Muse when we could not be. A reminder of who and what we are to each other, where we most want to be, and who we most desire to be with.
My Muse and I routinely rely on sending texts and self-portraits to one another as a means of augmenting our connection. Most of the images are clothed and simply an effort to include one another in our daily lives while a few are a bit more tantalizing. But on Pantyless Sunday, texts become a means of command and pictures become evidence of submission and obedience. In our own way we are together as Master and Muse even when we are thousands of miles apart.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown