I am a Clean Person, and you can ask me stuff: [email protected]
I'm also the author of "My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag ... And Other Things You Can't Ask Martha"
Buy: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Indiebound | iTunes
How To Get Your Kid’s Marker Stains Out Of The Goddamn Couch
Bless. This is why writing about cleaning for Deadspin is SO. MUCH. FUN.
LET'S ALL MAKE OUR BEDS LAMOB
Year Of The Clean Person: This March, Make Your Bed!
LAMOB IS BACK, BITCHES!!!
One Weird Old Trick To Remove White Water Stains From Wood
Joles and I just heard someone on Allen Street beep the Godfather theme and are now fantasizing about buying a 1976 Cadillac Eldorado convertible. I want red, she wants Paulie Walnuts gold, and we may compromise with white and a red leather interior.
"But white cars are so hard to keep clean.”
"Bubba. You’re married to me. I don’t think you need to worry about that.”
Tips For Removing Goo Buildup On Tables And Cleaning Spice Grinders
What Can I Do About This Ring Around The Collar?
Help! My Sweaty Ass Is Stinking Up My Car
The Year of the Clean Person: Your 2014 Cleaning Calendar
WHO’S WITH ME?!?!
How to Clean Murky, Moldy, Musty Humidifiers and Kettles
Early Access to the Hottest New Penguin Books | First to Read
Good morning, dust bunnies! Are you finding yourself in a state of near hysteria because you just cannot wait for February 25th to read my book? I COME BEARING GREAT NEWS! My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag … And Other Things You Can’t Ask Martha is one of Penguin’s First To Read selections, which means you can sign up/sell your soul for access to an advance digital copy of the book.
A plea: Would you consider leaving a review on Amazon? Would you also consider still purchasing the book when it comes out? Would you still attend the book launch event on February 26 at Powerhouse Arena in DUMBO?
Okay! I’m going to resume worrying that no one will buy my book. Good talk!
How to Turn Your Stained And Moldy Bathtubs Into a Spa-Like Oasis
The Clean Person Holiday Gift Guide 2013
A Guide For Cleaning Every Possible Thanksgiving Stain (Like Blood)
I do love a holiday clean-up primer!
Your Hockey Gear Is Foul. Clean It, Or Else.
It’s pieces like these where I think my insanity really shines.
How to Keep Your Sweaters and Slippers Clean and Pill-Free
Winter-themed Clean Persons just keep on coming!
Tomorrow Will Be a Mess. Here’s Your Post-Halloween Cleanup Primer.
Winter Is Hard On Your Shoes. Here’s What To Do About It.
Last week’s Deadspin Squalor covered 3 Clever Tricks For Cleaning Your Moldy, Scummy Bathroom. It also marked the first appearance of the Squalor archive! I hope you all find it useful in terms of seeing what’s already been covered. I’ll post the entire archive here shortly.
My next big task is cataloguing every one of the topics I took on while writing the original Ask a Clean Person at The Hairpin. (If I say it out loud I’m hoping it makes it real? Oh man, it’s a daunting amount of work you guys.)
In honor of the cooler weather, I devoted this week’s Ask a Clean Person to the subject of How to Clean Scorched Pots and Befouled Ovens
Your Sheets Are Filthy. Here’s Why (And How) To Change Them.
Remember my little Deadspin sheet washing poll? Results are in!
Waging War Against Sink Smells And Gasoline Pants
THE GIF OH MY GOD THE GIF
My Karategi Stinks. And So Do My Football Gloves. | Deadspin
HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD THIS ILLUSTRATION ASKHFLKSHFLKHFSKLHFLKHFS [YES. SENSEI!}
I Have Skidmarks! What To Do? | Deadspin
“I am going to attempt to answer this with as much dignity as possible.”
I scolded them already on Twitter because life is short and I’m in it to have some funnnnnn, but I know you know better than to ever hang your bras to dry from the straps, right? Right!
Okay but still, I think it’s worth saying again since Woolite is pushing this highly irresponsible graphic: always hang a bra to dry by its gore, or dry it flat.
In closing, wash your bras.
How To Stop Sweating And Eliminate Those Pit Stains, You Gross Monster | Deadspin
It was not my decision to refer to you as a ‘gross monster’. And I mean, whatever, you might be a gross monster but your my gross monster and I love you. [towel snaps]
MY BOYFRIEND BARFED BOOKS EXCITING THINGS
So this is it! (Well, this is the galley at least.) The cover art is so totally beyond I can hardly even stand how much I love it. The official pub date isn’t until next year — February 25! — but you can pre-order it on amazon now if you like being right on top of things! Grab some bluing while you’re there, yes?
LOVE YOU MEAN IT
Is … is that a Swiffer I see? Choire! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH YOUR GARBAGE CLEANING PRODUCTS.
Glad you’re hanging onto that old egg crate mattress pad though. That’ll come in handy one day.
The Linen Closet Makes Me Feel Like A Filthy Failure
And now here comes last week’s Jezebel offering on stank towels and yellowed sheets. You’ve all been around the block enough times that I know you’re sitting here muttering “bluing, the answer is bluing” to yourself.
Help! How Do I Get These Rust Stains Out Of My Shirt?
Whoops! I’ve not been keeping up with my Clean Tumbling, my apologies! Here comes Deadspin from two weeks ago — rust stains, crucial sunscreen information and golfing woes (rubber grip stains on pants, how is this my life, etc.?).
This week I’ll be back at Deadspin for a VSE on ‘pit stains, which is pretty much guaranteed to be a good time. I’d suggest throwing your hands up in demonstration of your excitement but then everyone would see the yellowed underarms of your shirts and uch.
When Condiments Attack: Mustard, Mayo & Ketchup Stain Removal | Jezebel
After seeing this laundry room — which somehow manages to be over-organized — I’m convinced that Kevin Sharkey is actually insane.
Streamline the Laundry Room with Kevin Sharkey | Cleaning and Homekeeping Tips from Martha Stewart Living
ASK A CLEAN PERSON SUMMER SWIMSUITS SUNSCREEN JEZEBEL
Yay Summer! My Swimsuits Are Yellow and There’s Sunscreen EVERYWHERE | Jezebel
It’s awfully early to be having this kind of laundry room envy, but here we are.
Retro Beach House Decorating Ideas | House Beautiful
BRAS JEZEBEL THE KUMBAYA SPIRIT
The Great Bra Washing Extravaganza | Jezebel
Oh my gosh, you guys! The response to this was incredible! I’ve gotten emails from bra fitters, belly dancers, costume designers, a hundred new moms who are all like, “Nuuuuuuuursing braaaaaaaaaas oh my God what even???” (We will talk about your nursing bras. Promise.)
The comments have also been amazing, and I can’t encourage you enough to get in there and ask questions not only of me but of each other because there’s a lot of breast-on-breast helping going on. Never let it be said that the gals at Jezebel can’t get right into the Kumbaya spirit, people.
Help! How Do I Get That Old-Man-Pee Smell Out Of My Bathroom?
The illustrations just get better and better and better oh my God.
How to Be a Grown A$$ Woman | The Greene Space
This is tonight! You should totally come because it will be bananaaaaaaaas.
Or you could watch us live over here from the comfort of your own home. Either way!
This is a portion of the Selected Terms/Proper Names from the Style Sheet the copy editor charged with my manuscript returned to me.
That poor, poor copy editor. Also included: Fleshlights, Morrissey, Lilly Pulitzer.
Artistic mopping. Be still my bleaching heart!
How to Be a Grown A$$ Woman | The Greene Space
Do you want to come hear me talk about cleaning? HERE IS YOUR CHANCE.
Do you know where you’re spending your money? Do you know how to get rid of unsightly pit stains? Do you own a set of wine glasses? Do you want to know how to be a grown up? What about being a grown-up lady?
Join Jezebel writer and full-time moral scold Lindy West, author of How to Be a Person, for a night of booze, music and advice on being a Grown A$$ Woman. She’ll be joined byTwanna Hines, the FunkyBrownChick who isn’t afraid to talk sex, love and all things in between Gawker’s Ask a Clean Person Jolie Kerr, a master at cleaning up our messes and Logan Sachon, co-editor of TheBillfold, the site that deals with “everything about money you were too polite to ask.”
Come to this live event to ask your questions, bring your dirty laundry (figuratively and literally), and be part of a radio pilot at The Greene Space! Are you ready to be a Grown A$$ Woman?
How To Clean Up Your Nail Polish Stains | Jezebel
In my pitch letter, I allowed for the possibility of renaming my column because I understand that territoriality and differentiation are important things to a great many people.
When the decision was made to rebrand AaCP as Squalor I was A-OK with it. I like Squalor! But I’d be fibbing something rotten if I didn’t admit that it pleases me beyond reason that, in the end, Ask a Clean Person reasserted itself.
Keep Tall Boots from Slouching with Binder Clips | Lifehacker
1. THE PHOTO HERE ILLUSTRATES THE USE OF FLIP FLOPS TO KEEP TALL BOOTS STANDING UPRIGHT
2. THE POST IS ABOUT THE USE OF BINDER CLIPS TO KEEP TALL BOOTS STANDING UPRIGHT
3. THE POST DOES NOT INCLUDE THE VERY IMPORTANT INSTRUCTION TO PLACE A PIECE OF FOAM RUBBER BETWEEN THE BOOT AND THE BINDER CLIP TO KEEP THE BINDER CLIP FROM DAMAGING THE BOOT
4. I AM YELLING TO KEEP FROM SCREAMING
5. [ALL THE EXASPERATED SIGHS]
Roseann’s Recovery Fund | GoFundMe
Roseann Sdoia was seriously injured in Monday’s bombing please consider donating to her recovery fund. Roseann is the best friend of my friend and former Bain coworker Dawn — this is what we mean when we talk about Boston being a small town dressed up in city clothing.
Hey gang, quick update on Boston Things: because of today’s goings on, Squalor will run on Deadspin on Monday rather than today. That column will include a link to Roseann’s fundraising site, but in the interim I’m making it available here with a request that you donate if you’re able to do so, along with asking that you share the link on whatever social media platforms you use.
I spoke to my friend Dawn yesterday, and she said that Roseann is in very good spirits, and that President Obama visited with her at MGH during his trip to Boston.
My thanks to all of you for your generosity and prayers for Roseann. xoJK
Oh my God, you guys.
Okay so! You know how generally I’m really nice about the cleaning stuff and I just want us to get our things looking nice and then sing Kumbaya together while we watch our panties spin about in the laundry and maybe enjoy a nice glass of wine with ice along the way? Yes, you know that. But I’m reminding you of it now so you’ll forgive this very bossy outburst I’m about to burst out:
THIS STUFF. YOU MUST ALL GO BUY THIS STUFF RIGHT NOW. (I bought mine in a grocery store in Delaware because when I travel I like to come home with souvenirs. But I will scour New York for local sources. Maybe even artisanal sources. Ha ha no I won’t do that.)(Also by ‘New York’ I mean ‘Manhattan’ because Brooklyn probably thinks stains are, like, cool and authentic or some such bullshit.)
I used a teeny tiny lil’ bit as a spot treatment on a brand new shirt my fiancé bought himself as a reward for sitting through Catholic Marriage Lessons and then promptly soiled with an ink stain. ANYway. His attempts — at my direction don’t worry, he doesn’t go into these things without consulting with me — to remove the stain proved futile, so I instructed him to leave the shirt with me for proper care and feeding. I put a teeny little bit of this stuff on the stain and by the time I went back to try to find the other stains he’d directed me to seek out THE STAIN WAS GONE. I hadn’t even laundered the shirt yet.
I REPEAT: THIS STUFF TOOK OUT A SET-IN INK STAIN WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF LAUNDERING. GO BUY IT IMMEDIATELY.
Okay I will stop being so bossy now. Sorry. I’m really very, very hungry. (The wine helps the hunger.)(But maybe not so much the yelling and general bossiness.)
I’m so hungry I posted this on the wrong blog.
How To Clean Your Roller Derby Pads and Make Your Computer Less Gross | Squalor on Jezebel
SQUALOR DEADSPIN RANK FEETS TENNIS WHITES
Help! What Can I Do About My Stinky Feet? | Deadspin
This week, as promised, Deadspin’s version of La Squals took on the subject of rank feet and grungy tennis whites.
ALL OF IT
EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS
GOOD HOUSEKEEPING STARCH THINGS I'M JUST NOT SURE ABOUT
Is your limp hair in need of a boost of volume? When you’re low on your go-to arsenal or volumizers and root lifters, laundry starch can do the trick for a strong hold that lasts throughout the day.
Yeah … you know what, Good Housekeeping? I’m just not sure I’m with you on this one.
BURN ALL THE GLITTER NOT EVEN FUNNY
Seriously, these April Fools’ things are going to break me: New Purex with Glitter
CRIMES AGAINST DISH SOAP
SUBMISSION: Zoe Leonard
I know that this is an April Fools’ Day thing but oh, ouch, this hurts me to my very core.
RIDICULATA BRA DRYERS
While I realize it’s precisely the sort of thing I usually abhor in that it’s a single use item that costs too much money for the task it performs, I’m nonetheless completely obsessed with this Bra Dryer thinger.