Male Submission Art
Art and visual erotica that depicts masculine submission.
We showcase beautiful imagery where men and other male-identified people are submissive subjects. We aim to challenge stereotypes of the "pathetic" submissive man. Learn more….
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PostSecret.com’s first Sunday Secret posted on November 8th, 2014:
I said yes
But I feel raped.
A friend sent me this with a short note that read, “[Your] consent as felt work and helping society find and comprehend the distinction between consent and permission are important.”
I’ve now penned over a dozen thousand words about Consent as a Felt Sense on my own, and my co-author unquietpirate has penned quite a bit herself, so you could easily feel like there’s a lot you have to catch up on if this idea is new to you. But it’s actually not complicated at all. There’s nothing new you need to learn to understand Consent as a Felt Sense. There’s only lots of imposing societal bullshit you need to unlearn.
Here’s the whole idea, in less than 100 words:
You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense makes a two pronged argument:
- Saying “yes” is necessary but not sufficient for consent.
- There is no expiration date on realizing that your consent was violated.
Neither one of these assertions seems controversial. Not unless you’re some kind of cartoonish MRA troll. But when we make them together — there’s no expiration date on realizing that your “yes” was not consent — we get a furor of backlash from all sides about how we’ve “gone too far.”
I just think that’s weird.
The reason I’ve personally penned over a dozen thousand words to explain and re-explain and contextualize and defend the combination of these two very simple points has nothing to do with the complexity of the idea and everything to do with the fact that, when push comes to shove, almost everyone—and I do mean everyone, from cartoonish MRA trolls to feminist social justice warriors—is fighting to retain an abusive status quo, even though they think they’re fighting for change by fighting each other.
What the reaction to our Consent as a Felt Sense essay shows most of all is that folks from “both sides” of the issue want discussion about consent to stay firmly rooted in debating which rapes are “rape” and which are not.
- The MRAs: “It’s quite a clever attempt to rebrand regret as something other than personal feelings about a past indiscretion.”
- The feminist SJWs: “I argue in favor of having a category for ‘sex experienced as a violation’, separate from rape.“
These statements are different only in degree, not in quality. Both are disrespectful, callous, and incommensurate with compassion for people who experience rape. The only meaningful difference between these statements is the careful tact with which the feminist sneakily assigns themselves the moral authority to audit and “categorize” others’ experiences of sexual violation. (How selflessly generous!) Both statements effectively psychologically bludgeon and blame rape victims for their rape. In other words, the MRA is a wolf in wolf’s clothing. The feminist SJW is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But both of them are collaborating on the same project.
As my co-author patiently explained to one of these critics unquietpirate, yet again, “We’re saying that if there are situations which someone does identify as rape, even in retrospect, they’re allowed to call them that. That if there are situations where someone believes they were consenting, and then later realizes their ‘yes’ was not consent, they’re allowed to talk about that. That’s all we’re saying. Really. That’s it.”
If you feel like you were raped, you can talk about what happened to you using the word “rape.” You can always use the words that ring truest to you. And, as this PostSecret postcard evidently showcases, that’s what people are gonna do anyway. So maybe we should stop telling other people that feeling their own fucking feelings is wrong.
Now that? I think that encouraging one another to relate to each other on the basis of how we actually feel instead of on the basis of how we expect or are expected to feel, I think that sounds like a much more worthwhile feminist project than recreating categories for (“legitimate”) rape. And I wonder how much longer it will take before “feminists who do consent work” will come ’round to thinking that way, too.
I was very pleased to see that the 8 colorful Venn diagrams I made explaining how BDSM is, by definition, rooted in abuse quickly spread across Tumblr. Predictably, however, a lot of people who objected did so on the basis that their special-snowflake BDSM relationships were not abuse and how dare I suggest such a kink shaming thing? Never mind the fact that I did not suggest such a thing, and that this isn’t about you in the first place.
Still, many folks have bought into the lie perpetuated by the powerful sociopathic abusers who control much of the discourse around BDSM and sex-positivity that the only way to kink is through BDSM. They tell you that what is not BDSM must be “vanilla,” and sadly many people (including many otherwise nonbinary queers) believe in this made up D/s binary. This leaves those people unclear about what other rolequeers and I mean when we say “your kinks are not BDSM.” rolequeer
So, since people seem to really enjoy infographics, here is another one I put together to try to help people stuck in the limiting loop of the D/s binary and unwilling or unable to examine the ways that “D/s dynamics” are a reincarnation of abuser dynamics take a closer look at that:
Your Kinks Are Not BDSM
Three columns represent different aspects of experience:
- Sensation: What physical feelings do I want to experience?
- Story: In what scenarios can I experience it? What roles or narratives are available to me?
- Felt Sense: What psychosomatic impact(s) did this experience have? What was the focus of the story?
Sensation: “Impact play”
Sensation in deep tissue or on superficial skin areas, warming and flushing of the skin, can be erotically or non-erotically pleasurable, relaxing, or exciting.
Spanking, hitting with open hands or closed fists (slapping or punching), striking with objects (hairbrush, flogger, etc.) or other people (mosh pit) are some ways to achieve this.
Stories about “Impact play” can include:
- Being punished/enduring consequence of disobedience
- Receiving physical therapy or massage
- Roughhousing with peers during play times
- Enduring physically abusive treatment
Sensation: Prolonged sexual arousal
Feeling horny and erotically excited, physically erect and turned on for long periods of sexual or even beyond the end of sexual encounters.
Long masturbation and self-pleasure sessions before reaching orgasm, omitting orgasm from a sexual encounter, or otherwise delaying sexual climax are some ways to achieve this sensation.
Stories about prolonged sexual arousal can include:
- Experiencing anorgasmic medical dysfunction
- Being sexually “teased”
- Having access to own genitals restricted (forced denial)
- Taking a vow of celibacy or choosing to abstain from orgasm or other specific sexual behavior
Sensation: Constriction & compression
Pressure around and in the body by being held in one position, compressed, squeezed, or otherwise constrained can be physically and emotionally relaxing, frightening, or have other psychosomatic impacts.
Being bound with ropes, straps, wraps, metal bondage equipment, or the overpowering body of another person are all some ways to experience this sensation.
Stories about constriction & compression can include:
- Being captive (to police, kidnappers, or other abductors)
- Being hugged
- Receiving physical support (help standing, holding hands for morale support)
- Being wrapped up for comfort (security blankets, intentionally relaxing bondage)
- Instills camaraderie and cooperation
- Confuses authoritarian narratives
- Encourages compassion for those who are mistreated
- Focuses on peering behaviors
- Undermines power imbalances
- Instills obedience
- Demonstrates subordination to authorities (teachers, parents, disciplinarians, etc.)
- Encourages gratitude for enacting mistreatment
- Exaggerates power imbalances
- Focuses on one actor overpowering another
TLDR: Rolequeer play is not a way of doing BDSM. The two are inherently and perpetually at odds. Rolequeer play and BDSM do not mix. The key distinction is that the former actively rejects the D/s binary on which the latter both relies and reifies.
The sensations you may kink on are not only available to you through some authoritarian narrative. While those coercive narratives are common cultural and erotic tropes, they do not represent the whole or even the majority field of physical sensation, kink, or meaning-making processes. When you call your kinks BDSM you are legitimizing the rape-centric ideological foundations used by sociopathic abusers to justify their desire for having non-consensual sex.
If you think making rape jokes and saying things normalizing rape is not okay, why do you think making jokes about safewords and saying things normalizing sadomasochistic rapes is okay?
Picture 1: "BDSM" versus "abuse." This is what's known as a "No True Scotsman" argument, a kind of lie. This lie didn't come from nowhere. It came from a useful political anti-rape tool of like kind.
Picture 2: "Sex" versus "rape". The binary distinction of sex as distinct from rape was and arguably still is very important, but it is nothing if not obtuse. It's obvious how "rape" is a form of sex.
Picture 3: "Sex" encompasses "rape". While there is still an important distinction between "sex" and "rape," it's simply imprecise at best & obfuscatory at worst to describe "rape" as non-sexual. Duh.
Picture 4: Where "BDSM" and "abuse" overlap there is an area called "abusive BDSM." At least here we can see that sometimes violative experiences can actually occur in BDSM activity, too. Because duh.
Picture 5: "Vanilla" versus "BDSM." Another important, absurd belief to kinkshits is BDSM *is* kink. Anything that isn't kinky is "vanilla" and everything that is kinky is "BDSM." This is another lie.
Picture 6: "Kink" encompasses "BDSM." Kink is a broad umbrella and includes things that BDSM does not. Moreover, what makes BDSM the thing that it is is not consent, but actually sexualized authority.
Picture 7: Where "kink" and "abuse" overlap, there exists "BDSM." BDSM exists not in opposition to "vanilla" or solely on the consensual side of interactions, but is about the desire for mistreament.
Picture 8: Sex, Kink, and Abuse are three distinct areas where sex and abuse overlap there area various different forms of coercive sex (ie., "rape") & where it doesn't overlap are abusive behaviors.
WHO NEEDS CONSENT … WHEN YOU HAVE PERMISSION
I am happy to announce that I have just released an update to the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid, bringing it up to version 0.5.3. This version fixes a few bugs in its auto-update functionality and, importantly, adds new red-flag questions to the default questionnaire in order to help users better protect themselves against predatory sexual dominants.
Many thanks to unquietpirate for creating the new OkCupid questions unquietpirate.
I made the choice to introduce these questions about kinky power dynamics and rolequeerness to the default set after learning about yet another example of a man accused of raping three women, twenty years his junior, and claiming that it had been consensual under the guise of sadomasochistic sexual play and dominance and submission role play.
The sad truth of the matter is that there is no such thing as anti-abuse BDSM. In fact, Dominants are rapists. The BDSM community is a clusterfuck of abusers with a staunchly rape-apologetic ideological foundation, most appropriately compared to the way GamerGate is a horde of ravenous misogynistic abusers. Unless, y’know, “actually, it’s about ethics in rough-sex sports clubs.”
All users are encouraged to immediately update to the latest version of Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid by clicking here.
So, like, our clinky sex is basically 100% aftercare. #rolequeer
If you can’t imagine how you get to aftercare w/out hurting each other first, try expanding yr understanding of the field yr playing in.
How much sex have you already had in your life that relied on oppressive tropes that you never got aftercare for? #rolequeer
Don’t artificially induce trauma to have something to care after. Most of us already got enough of a backlog to be going on with. #rolequeer
“‘Clinky’ has sort of morphed into personal shorthand for “kinky but not necessarily BDSM.” - How to have hot, kinky sex with other Submissives without inviting a Dom unquietpirate
“Since rolequeer play involves intentional and increasing periods of power-equity, rolequeer play will often appear more ‘vanilla’ on the surface than much of the ‘BDSM’ you’re used to.” - Rolequeer play is about breaking power dynamics unquietpirate
This is really affirming for me. Asking for care/help/support is a thing that I still have a lot of trouble feeling OK about or like it’s a possibility. And that’s something the culture of the BDSM scene can be really, really bad about.
Like, it occurred to me at some point - if I was feeling bad about something, if had the context to do it in, I might very well feel comfortable say asking a partner to call me certain derogatives in scene. (Which is a very valid way to deal with things for people it’s good for, and I’m not saying anything against it). But, I would feel probably less comfortable asking them for reassurance/support in other ways that my brain would tell me would impose on them. (I think I’m better at this now, but go back some time and it’ll be even more an issue).
That’s… not OK.
Seems like ‘Aftercare is needy’ is a myth perpetuated by rapey dominants who don’t really care about how a submissive feels, only about how to keep a submissive satisfied enough to play with them again. Those are the kind of people who reluctantly give aftercare as a trade off. Those are the kind of people who consider aftercare needy.
And at the same time those are the kind of people who will write of serious distress and trauma after a scene as ‘natural’ and ‘not signs of abuse’ because aftercare exists. (I don’t mean to say here that it’s wrong to do play that requires aftercare. A lot of kinky sex is about dealing with past trauma or the every day strain of living in an oppressive world. It’s normal to need aftercare after that. But don’t pretend it’s ‘fun happy carefree bdsm’, there’s no such thing.)
I’ll repeat myself just to be clear: the kind of people who consider aftercare an imposition are rapists. The kind of people who consider trauma and distress after play to be normal and nothing to worry about are also rapists.
But enough about rapists, back to clinky sex:
In reality, aftercare is a word for tenderness, intimacy, caring, looking after each other. And that is awesome and can be as important and as fun, or more important and more fun than kinky sex. It’s certainly not ‘vanilla’. I absolutely love the idea in the idea in those tweets that you can have aftercare without kinky sex. That you can widen the scope of what we can get aftercare for.
We live in an oppressive world every single day. We are dominated by that oppressive world without our consent every single day, and we could certainly use some aftecare for that.
I don’t have a lot of emotional energy for this particular part of this conversation but I wanted to add something I feel is critically important to this part of the conversation: aftercare is not merely used in BDSM by rapists who want to do the minimum amount of work to “not break their toys” and therefore feel imposed on by others’ requests for aftercare. Yes, that happens, but that is not the really insidious thing about aftercare. It is actually a good thing, in the relative scheme of how horrible rapists are, that some of them find themselves in situations where they feel imposed on to do work to comfort people who need comforting and to support people who ask for support.
What is so insidious about the “aftercare” rapists (i.e., BDSM Dominants) provide is that it is used to recondition the psychoemotional responses of the people they interact with towards finding the abuse they have experienced desirable, deserved, and ultimately necessary. This is what (“consensual”) gaslighting means.
That’s why I call it brainwashing. This is not a tactic limited to BDSM. And that’s all I have to say about that right now.
I just want to add a quick thing about what I had in mind when I tweeted these tweets. I think the discussion about abusive doms who consider aftercare a burden is valuable, because it’s important to acknowledge that as bullshit rapey behavior — and also to point out that these kind of doms sometimes do use aftercare as a tactic to psychoemotionally manipulate, gaslight, and trivialize the traumatic experiences of their submissive partners. If you haven’t read Clarisse Thorne’s excellent piece on this, I recommend it: S&M Aftercare…or Brainwashing?:
Bodily violence sometimes creates a mental malleability and vulnerability that can be used in good ways … but also in terrible ways. I see aspects of this in competitive sports, especially the ones that involve fighting and hurting other people very directly. (Have you ever seen that phenomenon where two guys fight each other and then become Best Friends right afterwards?)
Being together with an S&M partner during aftercare can be used to free people, to make them feel amazing and establish extraordinary intimacy. But it can hurt people too it can hurt them terribly. Read more…
But that’s not who I had in mind as the audience for these tweets, because I can’t imagine the kind of abusive self-involved dom who thinks “aftercare is hassle” is ever going to be wondering about how to make his play more rolequeer. Rather, I was thinking of people who enjoy doing aftercare. The kind of tops for whom the opportunity to provide aftercare is a core piece of the pleasure they get out of topping. Basically people, both tops and bottoms, who really kink on the Hurt/Comfort trope. (Which I do.)
I’ve definitely had conversations with Dominants who said that one of the big reasons they liked hurting their Submissive partners was because then they got to take care of them afterwards. And I think it’s totally legitimate and normal to enjoy, and even get erotic pleasure from, the act of providing “tenderness, intimacy, caring, looking after each other” in the wake of pain and trauma. All I’m saying is you don’t have to be the one causing that trauma in order to get the benefit of caring for your partner through it.
(I mean, obviously, right? That seems so totally non-controversial to me now, whereas, “Well, I like taking care of them, which is why I have to hurt them,” sounds TOTALLY ABUSIVE. Why on earth did that ever seem like a reasonable explanation to me?? Oh, right. Brainwashing.)
I also like the notion of (compassionate and supportive, as opposed to brainwashing) aftercare as being a response to any trauma, not only trauma you’ve just caused in this particular scene, because it queers the notion of whose “job” it is to provide the aftercare and whose to receive it. Rather, we’ve all been through painful and damaging experiences. We can all care for and be cared for by each other. We can be providing mutual simultaneous aftercare. (And we often are.)
In this particular instance, when I said our clinky sex is “almost 100% aftercare,” I think I was referring to the huge amount of sex and play maymay and I have that’s focused very intentionally around providing each other with erotic experiences that, previously, we’d been told we “didn’t deserve,” or that we were “crazy” to want, or that our D-type partners simply weren’t interested in and so we were expected to de-prioritize our desires in favor of theirs.
Often after we’ve had some kind of super hot ’n’ heavy, bondage-intensive, screaming, begging, orgasmic (or non-orgasmic), queer, multi-partner technosex — something that nobody would look at from a D/s framework and think “aftercare” — I come away from it feeling like I’ve been bathed in a loving aftercare-like glow for hours because that play has come after years of being told, “No, you don’t get to have that, ever.” And because the intention behind doing it now is not simply, “Well, okay, actually maybe now we can and it’d be hot” but also, “and fuck anyone who ever said otherwise. We deserve pleasure and erotic fulfillment as much as Doms do.”
(P.S. I really liked seeing these tweets pop up on my dash again because they reminded me of a particularly yummy play session. :) )
Incidentally, this issue sort of falls into the realm of questions about rolequeer “topping” — which is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to over the past couple of years but haven’t written as much publicly about. Partly because how to rolequeer topping behavior, while theoretically and personally interesting and important in the larger scheme of things, obviously wasn’t (and still isn’t) as much of an immediate priority as giving “bottoms” the tools to get out of relationships with abusive Dominants. And partly because it’s just really vulnerable personal shit that I’m still not totally clear on.
But now there are a few other folks out there (like @safeword, yay!), who seem to be investigating the question of “rolequeer topping” in a legitimately and thoughtful way (as opposed to a certain D-type “asshole blogger” I won’t name who started out talking a good game about disrupting D/s in theory, but showed their true colors by continuing to be an unabashed victim-blaming Domist rape apologist in the streets). And I feel like the work to support “bottoms”, while still ongoing, is now kind of on a roll. So, I might start trying to put some more of my “rolequeer topping” thoughts down on paper. Watch this space!
Inspired by the epic fucking Twitter thread I started and that now seems like it will probably go on forever and has spawned side threads (like this) picking apart how the "BDSM is not abuse" argument is a very flimsy No True Scotsman fallacy, I present to you, without further ado, Douchey Dom douchey-dominant's take on the issue!
GIRL, DON’TCHA KNOW BDSM IS NOT ABUSE? … THOSE OTHER MEN JUST SAID THEY WERE DOMS, BUT THEY WERE REALLY ABUSERS.
Ain’t he the dreamiest?
This douchey-dominant meme was inspired by one of the more blatantly horrible posts responding to Consent as a Felt Sense, brought to you by Peter Kelley performing his one-man show “I Am What A Rapist Looks Like,” featuring such one-line gems as, “This is Jim Crow in feminist garb,” “Females not only need physical protection, they need to feel scared, to feel threatened,” “Deep down women can not function sanely in safety,” and, “The tragedy of women is that they are not and can not be happy when genuinely safe.”
Stay tuned for Peter’s thrilling sequel, “I Am What An Eternally Damned Sociopath Looks Like,” coming soon to blogs near you!
It turns out that if you ask the right questions in just the right way, some men will actually tell you that they're rapists. They'll just…admit it.
The key is, don't use the word rape. Just ask them what they've done.
Researchers asked 1,882 men: "Have you ever tried to have oral sex with someone by using (or threatening to use) physical force—twisting their arm, holding them down, etc.—if they did not cooperate?"
and: "Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone, even though they didn't want to, because they were too intoxicated to resist your advances?"
120 answered yes.
They admitted to a total of 483 rapes and attempted rapes. 483!
In “Strategies Without Frontiers,” one of this week’s BSides LV information/security conference talks, software engineer and co-originator of the language-theoretic approach to computer security Meredith Patterson used Predator Alert Tool as an example of “an organic response against predatory [societal] games.” Or, in simpler words, Predator Alert Tool was cited as an example of how we can change our cultural environment from a relatively safe place for (sexual) predation into one that’s actively hostile to sexually predatory behaviors. And we can talk about that process using math, like this:
Normal form of the classic Prisoner’s Dilemma game theory problem displays a matrix of outcomes for a given combination of player strategies (“cooperate” or “defect”).
That’s why myself and a group of volunteer culture hackers have been blanketing the Internet’s social media websites with numerous different variations of Predator Alert Tool prototypes. We’re dissecting rape culture and using what we learn to devise game theoretic counter-strategies encoded as software tools that help people avoid undesirable outcomes.
That sounds complicated, but it has very humble origins: scale protective mechanisms that already work.
For the future, to use Meredith’s words:
Predicting your adversary’s behaviour is the holy grail of threat modeling. This talk will explore the problem of adversarial reasoning under uncertainty through the lens of game theory[. …] But as a tool for the real world, game theory seems to put the cart before the horse: how can you choose the proper strategy if you don’t necessarily even know what game you’re playing? For this, we turn to the relatively young field of probabilistic programming, which enables us to make powerful predictions about adversaries’ strategies and behaviour based on observed data.
In “the transparent society” of the public Internet, we can observe a lot of data. After all, the Internet is a record-keeping archive at the same time as it is a telecommunications medium. And this data reliably reveals patterns about who behaves in predatory ways:
People who try to break tools designed to support rape survivors are extremely likely not to support those who have had their consent violated. And it just so happens that identifying people who are likely to be unsupportive of those who have had their consent violated is what Predator Alert Tool is designed to do. Letting people attack PAT and then identifying who launched those attacks turns out to be an exceptionally reliable indicator—undeniable, even—that those attackers should be included in the database itself.
For the more mathematically minded, Predator Alert Tool can be approached as a reputation system coupled with a societally iterated prisoner’s dilemma. That is to say, it’s a tool designed to help you make dating choices that take into account all the past interactions a given person (like, say, the cutie you’re scoping out on OkCupid) has had. As one oft-targeted woman put it, “PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT YOU TWEET AROUND HERE and some of us can’t afford to have short memories.”
And wouldn’t you know it? A lot of hackers are already working on this problem. Unfortunately for those of us who think rape is kind of a shitty thing to do, those highly-skilled and well-paid mathematicians and computer hackers are usually employed by secretive government agencies that are famous for sharing sexually explicit photos of attractive women intercepted from their private Internet communications. (Also, hey, thanks for letting us know about that, Edward Snowden.)
Sadly, we live in a world where sociopathic behavior isn’t just tolerated, it’s rewarded. Until that changes, I can guarantee you this: violence prevention needs more hackers.
NOT ALL DOMS
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to say “Yes, all doms say shit like ‘not all doms’…” in a conversation about shit doms say, and in which doms are talking.
And then smile coolly as all the doms within earshot stare blankly at you in utter distress as they contemplate the paradox of their intense desire and desperation to inform you that not all doms say that.
You will break them.
↬ p0kemina p0kemina
It turns out that if you ask the right questions in just the right way, some men will actually tell you that they're rapists. They'll just…admit it.
The key is, don't use the word rape. Just ask them what they've done.
Researchers asked 1,882 men: "Have you ever tried to have oral sex with someone by using (or threatening to use) physical force—twisting their arm, holding them down, etc.—if they did not cooperate?"
and: "Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone, even though they didn't want to, because they were too intoxicated to resist your advances?"
120 answered yes.
They admitted to a total of 483 rapes and attempted rapes. 483!
NICE GUY … DOM
We should start a “Nice Guys of FetLife” tag.
BDSM IS RAPE "PLAY"
CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT IS "CONSENSUAL"
BROS WITH A RAPE FETISH ARE "DOMINANTS"
WHO'S YOUR "DADDY"?
So, i’m really digging maymay’s culture-hack Douchey Dom meme. This is the one i created, and based off a true story. Basically, anything that broke my limits or was abusive, that i called out on (which was sadly rare, because i was browbeaten by the fucker) was met with the top line. i just kept digging and digging for why this would be the idiot’s worldview, and the bottom line is the only thing i could find (and thus why i hate those books with a passion).
Of course, it doesn’t match the rape that occurred. When called out on THAT, i got “you never said it was a limit!” Except i literally did, the very first day we were together, a YEAR before the rape. In fact, the very fact that the fucker knew it was a limit is why they did it to me in my sleep.
Aaaand turns out there was one created that perfectly explains the fucker’s worldview:
I’m analyzing women and their images in history.
Less kvetching, more fetching.
Male, Married, 30s.
Torn between a healthy belief in feminism and a desire to objectify. Okay, not really that torn.
"TORN BETWEEN BELIEF IN FEMINISM AND DESIRE TO OBJECTIFY … OKAY, NOT REALLY THAT TORN"
Ok last one of the Doucheydom meme.
Could someone elaborate on this/give examples? Specifically on what ‘eroticizing rape culture’ means/looks like? (I’m not arguing or defending, I’m genuinely having trouble understanding and would like to).
"Eroticizing rape culture" means sexualizing coercive sexual tropes that occur in your cultural context. For example, if you live in a society where it’s common to catcall women on the street or grope women’s bodies on the train (like, say, every country on Earth that has streets or trains), then "eroticizing rape culture" often looks like calling your sexual partner the same sorts of words that people use to catcall women, or grabbing their bodies in the same places and from the same angles as though you were on a train.
There’s nothing wrong with using words that turn you and your partner on, or feeling your sweetie up in ways that feel good to the two of you, of course, and no one is saying that there is. Not even dyed-in-the-wool hardcore anti-kink radfems are saying that. (So don’t believe the hype from people who will tell you that that’s what folks are saying when they say “eroticizing rape culture.”)
What people (like me) ARE saying is that we’ve observed a commonality in the ways that people engage in sexual behavior and signalling. Further, we’re observing that this commonality is shared among a virtually impossible majority of otherwise extremely different individuals. And we’re suggesting that this isn’t actually a mystery.
We’re saying that the reason many people (like me) find the sorts of things that are reminiscent of, say, catcalling and groping people on the train sexy in the first place is related to the ways in which we were acculturated by our particular culture’s sexual messaging. In other words, a lot of people find coercive sexual tropes arousing because our culture eroticizes rape.
The Douchey Dom meme you asked about, shown above, illustrates how the BDSM subculture goes one step further. Beyond merely eroticizing rape, it eroticizes the eroticization of rape. It’s not just that “rape is sexy.” What’s sexy, in BDSM, is finding rape sexy. In fact, the Douchey Dom meme was conceived to point out the absurdity of “celebrating gay rights” by eroticizing non-consensual imprisonment—a torture endured by many LGBT people to this day.
Of course, that’s not how BDSM’ers talk about what they’re doing, because nobody other than rapists thinks “finding rape sexy” is actually sexy. So the Douchey Dom meme is pointing out both that there is a LOT of cultural overlap between the BDSM subculture and the mainstream—more than BDSM’ers will admit to—and also pointing out that the set of people defined as “rapists” differs depending on who you are. BDSM’ers think the Douchey Dom represents “those bad doms, not us good doms,” whereas other people think the Douchey Dom represents, well, BDSM’ers.
Douchey Dom: HAS THREE COLLARED SUBMISSIVES … "SINGLE" ON DATING SITES
Douchey Dom: FAVORITE MOVIE: SECRETARY … FAVORITE GIRLFRIEND: SECRETARY
Douchey Dom: SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL … UNTIL YOU SAY NO
Douchey Dom: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE … EASILY DISCREDITABLE WITNESSES TO THE YARD
Douchey Dom: THAT WASN'T "RAPE" … IT WAS "PUSHING HER LIMITS"
Douchey Dom: SUBMISSIVE WOMAN? … YOU MEAN, LIKE, ASIAN?
Douchey Dom: BDSM CLUB? … YOU MEAN THE CONSEQUENCE FREE ZONE?
Douchey Dom: CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT … YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU TELL HER IT WAS HER IDEA
Ok last one of the Doucheydom meme.
More from the DoucheyDom meme
I’m starting to think Douchey Dom is also the perfect way to explain rape culture to BDSM’ers:
"I’VE ALWAYS BEEN KINKY." … TREATED GIRLFRIENDS LIKE SUBMISSIVES SINCE BEFORE HE HEARD OF BDSM
Douchey Dom: Female orgasm denial? How's that different from vanilla sex?
Douchey Dom: ALWAYS USES PROTECTION … BY MAKING HER SIGN A LEGAL WAIVER
Douchey Dom: AFTERCARE EXPERT … HAS BEEN TELLING WOMEN THEY ASKED FOR IT SINCE FIRST GIRLFRIEND
Douchey Dom: RESPECTS SUBMISSIVE MEN … THE SAME WAY HE "RESPECTS" ALL WOMEN
Douchey Dom: ASK FOR PERMISSION BEFORE YOU CUM … AND ALSO BEFORE YOU HANG WITH FRIENDS OR GO SHOPPING OR EAT OUT OR TALK TO OTHER GUYS.
Douchey Dom: LISTENS INTENTLY TO RAPE ACCUSATION … SO HE CAN MASTURBATE TO IT LATER
Douchey Dom: INTO CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS … HAS ACTUALLY FORCIBLY INSERTED HIMSELF INTO CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS
This is not how BDSM’ers say consent works, but it is how BDSM’ers behave as it does.
Pay attention to what they actually do, not what they say that they do. See also, the “Douchey Dom” meme:
[Image: Screenshot of a computer program’s End User License Agreement that has been altered to read “Kinkster License Agreeement” with the program icon altered to be a BDSM pride flag. Text: “KINKSTER LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR BDSM PLAY (“SCENE”) SINGLE USE LICENSE. PLEASE READ THIS KINKSTER LICENSE AGREEMENT (“LICENSE”) CAREFULLY BEFORE CONSENTING TO ENGAGE IN BDSM PLAY (A “SCENE”). BY ENGAGING IN A SCENE, YOU ARE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE, DO NOT ENGAGE IN BDSM PLAY. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THE LICENSE, YOU MAY CHALK UP YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH BDSM PLAY SO FAR AS “LESSON LEARNED” FOR A FULL REFUND OF YOUR CONSENT. FOR BDSM PLAY ALREADY EXPERIENCED BUT NO LONGER FEEL OKAY ABOUT, YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO CLAIM ANY VIOLATIONS DUE TO YOUR PRIOR AGREEMENT TO BE BOUND BY THIS LICENSE.]
TLDR: Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud. There are a lot of risks that even “experienced breath play experts” don’t even know exist.
But the fact that there are a lot of ignorant “experts” in the BDSM Scene, and even more people who eagerly consent to putting their lives in these self-described expert’s hands (literally!) is not some kind of fluke about breath play, and that dynamic doesn’t only exist in the BDSM Scene.
Rather, it’s a fundamental supporting pillar of rape culture generally ("if it’s a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has ways of shutting that whole thing down", anyone?), which the BDSM Scene knowingly relies on in order to sustain its existence.
The BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts, relying on the fact that you won’t read the fine print before clicking on the proverbial “I consent” button.
PSA of the day.
Are you fucking kidding . This is so disgusting
wtf is this sociopathic trash.
look at this piece of shit post. i hope the people who reblogged it uncritically get the shits for days man
THIS IS RAPE CULTURE. BDSM IS ABUSE.
It’s scary that so many people reblogged this without criticism. This is how normalized violence against women is in our culture.
what the actual fuck
THERE’S NO SAFE WAY TO DO BREATH PLAY THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY TO DO BREATH PLAY SAFELY THERE IS NOT THERE IS NOT
but if a persons kink doesn’t hurt anybody and if both/all parties are down, isn’t a post about being safe in this situation a good thing?
If it’s a kink and you have a safeword and you and your partner listen to the safeword and are comfortable with doing breathplay then it’s fine. As long as you’re both careful and safe about it.
There is literally no such thing as safe breathplay.
Consent doesn’t mean you won’t get arrested for manslaughter if your play partner dies of a cardiac arrest.
Oh, lemme guess: you didn’t know that breathplay can cause a silent cardiac arrest in even the healthiest individual up to 45 minutes after play? And I’ll guess you didn’t know that a fractured hyoid bone—typical to strangulation or choking—is a life-threatening medical emergency?
Or that even three minutes of hypoxia can cause anoxic brain damage, which is cumulative and irreparable?
There is NO SUCH THING as safe breathplay and it is irresponsible in the extreme to suggest there is.
This is an excellent example of how ‘everything is fine between two concenting adults’ is sometimes just NOT TRUE. Safe breath play does not exist. And unless your kink is dying of brain damage of a blood clot some time after a play that ‘seemed to go well’, DO NOT DO IT.
And ya know, stop unquestioningly believing what the BDSM world tells you. Stop believing that acts like this can be done safely but also stop believing that rape and abusive relationships don’t exist in the BDSM scene and that you should ignore the warning signs of abuse. Stop believing that a ‘sub’ who is not allowed to speak to others without permission is in a healthy relationship. Stop believing that people who complain about sexism or racism in play are just ‘kink shaming’. Stop believing that someone who reports having their consent violated just wasn’t clear enough about their safe words or ‘it’s probably all a big misunderstanding’. Stop believing that ‘privacy’ should include not naming rapists.
Step back and really think about what is safe, what is ethical and what is rape culture and abuse.
I don’t get it. If it’s okay to hold your breath why wouldn’t it be okay to have someone else hold your breath? I like having that done to me. I don’t ever do it for more than two minutes, usually more like 45 seconds. How could that be a health problem? Is there some kind of documentation?
I was talking to Maymay about this last night and I believe their exact words were, “Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud.” Apparently, some people think there are safe ways to do it, and other people think those people are insane.
The person who taught me how to do it said the trick is to hold your own breath at the same time you’re holding theirs, so that you make sure to let them breathe before you start getting lightheaded yourself. (She also used a pinching-the-nose-and-mouth-closed method, not a strangulation method.) That doesn’t seem fool-proof different people have different lung capacities, and it doesn’t solve the issues of dangerous follow-up effects. But it made sense to me as a general rule. (And of course, I just trusted her because I saw her as a “Real Dom” and thus an “expert.”) That being said, I still don’t do it, because it makes me nervous. And because it’s not really my kink.
One major thing the OPs seemed to be pointing out is that the position depicted in the image — cutting someone’s air supply off by choking them — is never safe because of the fragility of the hyoid bone. The hyoid is a tiny, floating bone in the front of your throat that helps support your trachea as well as anchoring some of your tongue movements. It is often crushed when someone is choked or strangled. In massage school they taught us never to work in that area without very specific technical training, because the hyoid is an “endangerment zone.” Accidentally putting pressure on it has the potential to cause serious injury. So, yes, even though I could maybe countenance breath play in other ways, I would never consider it “safe” to do it the way it’s depicted in that image.
That doesn’t mean nobody should do it, or course. Risk-tolerance is a personal decision. It’s possible to have barrier-free sex with an HIV+ person and not contract HIV, and there might be lots of good reasons to choose to do so in certain situations. But it’d be pretty irresponsible to explain that to people by telling them barrier-free sex is no big deal and you probably won’t get HIV anyway as long as you wash your dick afterwards. Consent isn’t consent unless it’s informed. Lots of people in the Scene (and out of it) are probably agreeing to breath play without being meaningfully informed about the potential side-effects. That’s a problem.
And it’s a problem with a lot of other stuff, also, such as people agreeing to enter full-time intimate “power exchange” relationships explicitly grounded in abuse dynamics, without being informed about the potential for acquiring PTSD even from activities they consented to. Again, I’m not saying nobody should ever choose to take that risk. For some people, long-term PTSD might be a price they’re willing to pay for a kind of intimacy that’s really important to them. I seriously empathize with that. But I’m saying people deserve to know what they’re signing up for. And the BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts.
Really great stuff here.
Also, the Douchey Dom meme is once again suddenly relevant:
Douchey Dom: AROUSED BY RACE PLAY … THINKS RACISM IS OVER
Douchey Dom: HAS A "MEDICAL PLAY" FETISH … THINKS PLANNED PARENTHOOD IS IMMORAL
Douchey Dom: ROLE-PLAYS A "JOHN" … THINKS SEX WORK SHOULD STAY ILLEGAL
Douchey Dom: RESPECTING YOUR SAFEWORD … IS A HARD LIMIT
Douchey Dom: IT WASN'T RAPE … BECAUSE SHE PUT IT ON OUR NEGOTIATION CHECKLIST
Douchey Dom: CALLS HIMSELF LORD DARKWOLFE SHADOWSWORD … WANTS SUBMISSIVES TO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY
Douchey Dom: FAPS TO "CHICKS WITH DICKS" PORN … REFUSES TO SCENE WITH TRANS* WOMEN
Douchey Dom: SUPPORTS EQUAL RIGHTS … TO KEEP SLAVES
Douchey Dom: ALWAYS RESPECTS YOUR LIMITS … AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SAY "NO"
Douchey Dom: TOOK A ROPE BONDAGE CLASS ONCE … CALLS HIMSELF A "SHIBARI MASTER"
I present the world with a new meme: Douchey Dom!
CELEBRATES GAY RIGHTS
BY HOSTING ORGY THAT LOOKS LIKE GAY PEOPLE BEING PUT IN PRISON
Celebrating gay rights by hosting an orgy that depicted gay people being put in prison is actually a real thing this real man (Peter Acworth, CEO of Kink.com), did this LGBT Pride Month: Kink.com Prison-Themed Pride Party Ends With Arrests. And so I could think of no better image for the Douchey Dom meme than a real photograph of a real portrait of him.
Here’s another example:
Turn on CAPS LOCK and fly, my pretties, fly!
I’m really looking forward to being blamed for this. :)
The other day, LifeHacker featured Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid on its homepage. Today, I received an email from the post’s author, stating that “the Predator Alert Tool post [is] doing well, but as you warned, some people have descended on it with comments and accusations about you specifically.” The email then detailed several accusations, all of which there are already copious amounts of information about in the archives of this blog (for instance, here), so I won’t go into detail.
I have something else to say.
I understand that many people don’t trust me. A lot of these people are self-proclaimed anti-violence advocates. So, what I don’t understand is why, in response to their distrust of me, these “anti-violence” advocates choose to tell folks not to install anti-violence apps that I wrote while AT THE SAME TIME refusing to acknowledge the fact that the tools’ functioning isn’t coupled to the tool-maker.
Such a prolonged tool-suppression & FUD campaign isn’t new or novel but isn’t typically associated w/”anti-violence” advocates, who tend to suffer from a dearth of tools already. Moreover, I know of no criticism of Predator Alert Tool that’s technical in nature.
If there is a technical criticism of Predator Alert Tool’s methodology/philosophy, I want to hear it but, years later, there have been none. In fact, as far as I’m aware, even the people who want to dissuade others from using (or, even knowing about the existence of) Predator Alert Tool ultimately concede that the tools themselves are good.
As a friend of mine said:
[Their behavior] creates a[n] obstruction between maymay’s anti-violence work and an important community of online users — an obstruction that, most of all, harms people who are less technically savvy and more vulnerable to both online and in-person violence, by limiting their access to (and even awareness of) resources they can use to protect themselves.
Given these facts, it is hard for me to believe that the people “concerned” about Predator Alert Tool users are in fact concerned for those user’s safety. And while I don’t believe all of these concern trolls are malicious, their lack of any technical criticism betrays 2 simple possible explanations.
- First, they don’t really understand how Predator Alert Tool (or their Web browsers) work.
- Or, what they’re actually concerned about is a longstanding social grudge against the toolmaker who’s receiving positive recognition/acknowledgement.
In either case, whether it be because of technical ignorance or reputation-based social capital, the people who are harmed by FUD (“Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt”) campaigns are always would-be users of tools that don’t get used when there is only potential gains to be had by using them. This is akin to telling people not to use (or even write about the existence of) hammers because hammer-makers are racists. And I’m not even arguing that hammer-makers are not racists, nor that I’m a trustworthy person. All I’m saying is that telling people to stop writing about the existence of hammers harms people who need to put nails into a wall and would find hammers useful in doing so.
Because that’s how tools (as opposed to belief systems) actually work in the real world: whether or not the hammer-maker is a racist doesn’t change the fact that the hammer still puts nails into walls. Likewise, whether or not I am “an abuser” does not change the fact that Predator Alert Tool is a useful anti-violence tool users of dating websites can add to their toolkits. This only seems far-fetched if you don’t actually know how Predator Alert Tool works (here’s yet-another explanation). But given that my collaborators and I have gone to great lengths to ensure both the ideas and the code that implements them are open-source, thoroughly documented, released to the public domain, not knowing how the tool works or spreading misinformation about how they work are ultimately deliberate choices.
Now, we’re familiar with the methodology of “smear & scare” from corporations, but that self-identified “anti-violence” advocates—feminists, even!—stoop to the same level is…well, it’s at least educational. :(
The ease w/which Predator Alert Tool can be copied (it’s just an idea after all) & the intransigence of its concern trolls’ unwillingness to so much as discuss mimicking Predator Alert Tool’s methods should at a MINIMUM reveal their priorities, if not intentions.
Anyway this whole thing is extremely frustrating & hurtful and it has been for years. By necessity, I’ve put an order of magnitude more effort into refuting the endlessly repetitive FUD & bullshit about Predator Alert Tool than in actually creating it. That’s very unfortunate because—empirically speaking—the only person who is able and willing to actually write tools like Predator Alert so far is me. Imagine how much more effective tools we could develop if we spent even a fraction of the effort we are currently wasting on this reputation “debate” on actually encoding the anti-violence methodology that Predator Alert Tool uses into every social network on the Internet?
And, I’m just saying, well, isn’t it a bit fishy that same people who have nothing bad to say about Predator Alert Tool itself seem hell-bent on burying it? It’s easy to understand why people may not like or trust someone else, but I find it hard to square how these same people claim to be supporters of anti-violence tools while at the same time preferring to bury discussion about anti-violence tools. Doubly so when those very same people are freely offered replicas of the same exact tool set but without the one thing they don’t like about it (me), and yet they still refuse to accept the offer.
So, after years of being homeless and writing Predator Alert Tool code while living out of my car, is it any wonder I get pissed off at these (often paid) full-time activists whose only contribution to a “debate” about Predator Alert Tool is actually not even about the tool itself?
Look, I can and do deal with a peanut gallery, but the so-called anti-violence advocates who have been hounding me over PAT for years are not harmless.
They are at best woefully ignorant about extreme fundamental premises of how modern technology works & at worst extremely dangerous bullies who epitomize the exact problem Predator Alert Tool is addressing right now, today.
My parting (terrifying) thought: These are just the cases where the victim had the courage and family support to come forward publicly to accuse their attackers – even in their positions of power and authority within the church and community. Police and prosecutors know that most of these crimes go unreported – especially within the church. How many more victims suffer in silence every day? If I were still a praying man, I would be praying that the poor victims of these monsters are able to get the best counseling available OUTSIDE the typical “Christian Counseling” found within the church.
- "25 More Shocking Arrests": Pastors Charged with Sex Crimes
The Predator Alert Tool project recently released a Predator Alert Tool for Christian Mingle, a dating site that offers to help “find God’s match for you.” (But only if you are either a “man seeking a woman” or a “woman seeking a man.”)
In their release notes for PAT-CM, developer maymay noted:
This tool is based on the popular Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, a dating website for the BDSM/leather/sadomasochistic subculture and, I have to say, the code is almost identical for both websites. Coincidence? I think not. :P
Unsurprisingly, Christian culture and BDSM culture have more in common than just how they design their dating sites. In the context of fighting sexual violence, the most salient similarity is the one quoted at the beginning of this post:
Christian communities — especially of some of the more extremist denominations — are often small, insular, tight-knit social enclaves led by unscrupulous abusers. In both BDSM sub-cultures and evangelical Christian sub-cultures, these leaders use their power to foster a sense of vulnerability and embattlement amongst their followers, training them to believe that Christians/”kinksters” are an oppressed group. Followers are told that they can’t trust anyone outside “the community” to understand or treat them fairly and that taking their problems to outsiders, rather than having them addressed internally by the community’s (corrupt) leadership, will only give mainstream society more ammunition with which to “oppress” them further.
In short: Both communities suffer from higher-than-average rates of sexual violence, often perpetrated by leaders in those communities, and survivors have little recourse because they have no one to turn to for help besides that same abusive leadership.
There has been a great deal of work done internally, both in the BDSM Scene and among Christian church communities, to try and address the epidemic of sexual violence in their midst — but that work cannot progress as long as information about sexual violence remains silo’ed between survivors and community leaders who would prefer to silence them. The Predator Alert Tools are important because they takes reporting, discussing, sharing information, and arbitrating the consequences of sexual violence out of the hands of “the authorities” and distribute it to the community as a whole.
For this reason, Predator Alert Tool for Christian Mingle might be the most important PAT since PAT-Fetlife for helping protect potential victims from powerful predators right now, today.
I could probably say something really snarky about the BDSM Scene here, but I’ll just link to this damning BDSM community consent survey and leave it at that.
Tonight’s update to the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter adds a feature inspired by the award-winning Circle of 6 anti-violence iPhone app to help cyberbullying targets call for help when they need it:
This screenshot shows a small excerpt from a four hour long cyberbullying dogpile by @nullvoid9 on Twitter, with the new “Get help from your Support Circle” link under their tweet.
Your Support Circle are other Twitter users who you know and trust to publicly back you up when you’re getting bullied on Twitter. When you’re enduring cyberbullying on Twitter, you can use Predator Alert Tool for Twitter to get help from your Support Circle in one click. Everyone in your Support Circle receives a Direct Message asking them to help you, with a link to the harassing messages.
Just the other day, I was harassed on Twitter for more than 4 straight hours by a clique of pop social justice cyberbullies. As a result of that, I spent all night yesterday and all day today trying to come up with more ways to literally encode anti-bullying mechanisms into the technology that I use. As I said then:
[I]f we want to meaningfully address #cyberbullying we need to:
- build communication tools for target(s) & supporter(s) to connect, FAST.
- Change the way we think about abuse and #cyberbullying (and violence) from “a thing bullies do” to “an experience that a target endures,” and
- nurture mutually meaningful relationships w/other individual people (as opposed to “support causes for demographics”).
For me personally, this means continuing to literally encode these goals in Predator Alert Tool code. You can help by sharing ideas with me. Until you have an idea to share you can also help by sharing links to work I already did to encode ideas by @unquietpirate & others in code. Those links are easy to find on the Internet, e.g., on LifeHacker and at [my homepage], maymay.net.
The “Support Circle” feature I added to Predator Alert Tool for Twitter today is part of me enacting goal number 1: build communication tools for target(s) and supporter(s) to connect, fast.
As usual, sending me bug reports and feature requests are both equally appreciated, as are donations of food to keep me hacking.
The Predator Alert Tool for ChristianMingle, or PAT-ChristianMingle, is a tool that alerts you of profiles on Spark Networks’ ChristianMingle dating site belonging to people who have reportedly violated others’ consent, such as through sexual assault or rape. This tool is based on the popular Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, a dating website for the BDSM/leather/sadomasochistic subculture and, I have to say, the code is almost identical for both websites. Coincidence? I think not. :P
The Predator Alert Tool for ChristianMingle (PAT-ChristianMingle) empowers Internet users like you to anonymously report harassment, rape, and other abuses they have experienced at the hands of a person with a ChristianMingle account. Your report is then automatically disemminated to other PAT-ChristianMingle users, as well as being published on the open Internet.
- While browsing ChristianMingle, the Predator Alert Tool will visually highlight any user profile you encounter that has allegedly violated another person’s consent. Click through to the user’s profile for a complete listing of reported consent violations.
- Each time you load a user’s ChristianMingle profile, that user’s profile picture is scanned against the United States’s Sex Offender Registry using the facial recognition service provided by CreepShield.com, and the most likely match is shown to you:
I coded this one blind, meaning I was not online when I wrote it. It works in my tests but I’d love for people to try this out on their actual accounts and let me know how well it works. Report bugs here.
Also, by the way, this makes seven Predator Alert Tools. Seven. Total budget: $0. Still.
And my government still thinks I don’t deserve to eat. Fuck.
I released the code for my proof-of-concept and first functional prototype of the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter to the public domain. If you want to try it out yourself, you can use the public Predator Alert Tool for Twitter facilitator at https://pat-twitter.herokuapp.com. I’ve seeded it with a demonstration warnlist called “Reputation-addicted putzes” onto which I’ve placed the Twitter accounts of @JillianCYork and @CharlieGlickman, as starters. Here are some screenshots.
- This screenshot shows the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter displaying a “Predator Alert” from a public warnlist on the user profile of @JillianCYork, who was added to the list “Reputation-addicted putzes.” in the current version 0.1 of PAT-Twitter.
Using Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, any and all links to the profile, tweets, or lists of a user who is on a Predator Alert warnlist you’ve subscribed to are redboxed. In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to their profile to view the alert’s details.
The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is distributed to users through “facilitator” websites that keep copies of public data (and only public data). These facilitators also allow you to browse public warnlists and view alerts attached to specific Twitter user accounts. These alerts can not be removed or edited, ever.
Feature requests, patches, and bug reports for Predator Alert Tool for Twitter are welcome. Copying is encouraged. Don’t trust me run your own server for your community and add me to as many warnlists as you want.
Just as before, I welcome your anger, too.
Relevant to FetLife, too, as you’ll see from the text. (It all comes together at the end.)
I’m still hacking away on Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, but I’ve just finished putting some final wax and polish on the user interface for warnlist privacy options. What’s really exciting about this is that, unlike Twitter itself, in Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, “private” actually means what it says on the tin.
When you make a “Private” Twitter list, Twitter claims that “only you can access this list.” But we know that’s not entirely true. Twitter themselves can also always access that so-called “private” list. Moreover, if your Twitter account gets hijacked by someone else, they can also access that list.
In contrast, when you make a “Private” PAT Twitter warnlist, not even Twitter themselves, nor anyone accessing your Twitter account can access that list. That’s because the warnlist you make private never leaves your Web browser.
Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is a private-by-default, public-by-effort application in the sense that when you mark some of your data “private,” it never leaves your Web browser without your knowing about it. Not even Twitter can read your private lists. Because that’s what privacy is supposed to mean.
What’s important to understand here is that when you “delete” something from a service like Twitter or Facebook, you’re not actually deleting anything. All you’re doing is asking them, to please not show that to anyone anymore. But those companies still keep a copy of the thing you supposedly “deleted.” Y’know, for their records. They’ve been doing that ever since the start. And if you thought you had embarrassing photos on Facebook, have you checked FetLife lately? Yup, FetLife is even worse in this respect.
Another consideration showcased in the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter screenshot shown here is the notion of “data portability,” or the idea that “you can take your data with you wherever you go.” That’s why each warnlist you make also includes an “Export” button, which gives you a plain text file containing a backup of your warnlist’s data, including all of the Predator Alerts you added to it. If you use multiple browsers, you can export a list you created in Mozilla Firefox and import it into Google Chrome, for example. And when you do that, it stays in that browser.
You can also use the “Export” feature to share warnlists in a truly private fashion, such as by sending the exported list to a friend over encrypted email. Of course, your privacy is ultimately your responsibility. The point here is that Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is designed to help you maintain that privacy with as little effort as possible. Inversely, the MO of sites I’m building Predator Alert Tools for, like Twitter, Facebook, FetLife, and OkCupid are all about violating your privacy.
So, there’s that.
For a higher-level overview of the upcoming Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, see my user interface preview. And, as always, donations (especially of food) are appreciated. Okay, back to work I go.
This is the coolest.
I’m about to take a sneak peek at the new PAT-Twitter interface. I’m excited about PAT-Twitter for a number of reasons, but one of the most exciting is that this is the first Predator Alert Tool that’s “unhosted.” That means it’s an app that gives you more control over how you interact with the Internet, but it doesn’t do that via some corporate or even open-source centralized system. Your private data isn’t stored where it can be hacked into by your ex, snooped on by untrustworthy admin, or even requisitioned by the NSA. It’s located entirely in your browser, on your own computer only, unless you choose to share it with other PAT-Twitter users in a direct peer-to-peer way.
This kind of privacy and data portability is important generally speaking, but it’s especially essential to allow vulnerable people — such as survivors of sexual violence — share information with each other safely.
The most recent report filed in the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife alleges abuse on the part of a FetLife Carebear:
Screenshot of a Predator Alert Tool for FetLife report made against a FetLife “carebear” (an on-staff moderator).
It reads, in full:
Fetlife caretaker FAIL. This lady could see that I was being harassed and not only failed to help me, but suspended my fetlife account when I screencapped the abusive crap I was being messaged with to show people, and then issued fake copyright violation notices to get the evidence removed from being hosted. Fetlife do not care if you get abused, they do care to make sure no-one knows about it.
Anyone familiar with my work already knows that FetLife used numerous improper copyright violation notices (DMCA takedown notices) to try to wipe Predator Alert Tool for FetLife off the face of the Internet, and failed. I even sent FetLife an application to become a Caretaker touting how familiar I was with the process of DMCA notice and counter-notice (which I credit them for forcing my hand to educate myself about). For more than a year now, FetLife’s been smart enough to stop engaging with me.
But this report is interesting. Firstly, it’s a good idea. Report the site admins. I should’ve thought of that earlier.
More importantly, however, this showcases exactly why the Predator Alert Tool suite is what we actually really need: the “report abuse” button on websites shouldn’t go to the site admins, it should go to the rest of the user community.
As some of you may already be aware, I’ve been working on the next Predator Alert Tool project. This time, it’s for Twitter.
Here is an annotated teaser screenshot showing the current working prototype of Predator Alert Tool for Twitter I’m hacking on tonight.
Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is the first fully decentralized (unhosted), yet still peer-to-peer capable Predator Alert Tool. Like the other PATs, it will be 100% free to use forever and the source code will be placed into the public domain (once I’m ready to release the initial version). Here are some of the core features visible on this one screenshot:
- The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter integrates cleanly into Twitter’s own Web interface. No separate app to use. Once installed, just use Twitter.com as you normally would.
- You gain two new types of lists in addition to regular Twitter Lists: a “Twitter Blocklist” and any number of “warnlists.”
- Your Twitter Blocklist shows you all of the Twitter users you’ve blocked in one place.
- Your warnlists are where you publish your “Predator Alerts” and where you subscribe to Predator Alerts from others. If a tweet shows in any of your timelines from a user who is on a warnlist you’ve subscribed to, their tweet gets “redboxed.” In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to that user’s profile to read details of each alert published about that user.
- Unlike regular Twitter Lists, Twitter users can not remove themselves from Predator Alert Tool warnlists that you add them to, and taking a page from Predator Alert Tool for Facebook‘s book, you can add users you have blocked or users who have blocked you to warnlists that you make.
- Subscribe to alerts from sources you trust. You always have the final say as a fully decentralized system, unlike the Block Bot, this system offers no ability for others to moderate what you publish and thus it has a vastly reduced vulnerability to corruption by social cliques and their inevitable groupthink.
There’s more to show off but ultimately this isn’t ready to go live yet, so I’ll leave it at that.
This tool is by far the most technologically interesting Predator Alert Tool I’ve written so far. (The others were socioculturally fascinating but technologically boring.) That also means it’s coming along relatively slowly, because I have to rethink and relearn what I think I know about computer programming. Meanwhile, I also have to do things like sleep and eat.
If you like this idea, please spread the word I have no interest in ownership. Mimesis matters more than attribution. So if you think you can implement a system like this better or faster than I can, what the fuck are you doing reading this instead of implementing it?
But if you’d rather support me in continuing to work on this myself, please remember that I am currently homeless and your donations of stuff like food REALLY matter. Turns out writing code burns calories. My government told me they don’t think I deserve to eat. What do you think?
I AM 10000% ON BOARD WITH THIS.
I’m making a Whole Foods gift card donation to the “maymay’s gotta eat” fund RIGHT NOW. No joke. (Check your email, may.)
:D Thank you so much the donation and the public support! <3 <3 <3!
There can be no consent where it can’t be withdrawn.
Attributed thinkoutsidethestate to Miguel Duque, this is the basis of the essay by unquietpirate and I that’s getting a bunch of the right people super scared: “You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense.” The right people, of course, are rape apologists (though the loudest objections seem to be coming from MRAs).
Soon after that essay’s publication, I published a two-part elaboration. It expands on the premises we introduce in the essay, as a response to some of the initial discussion it generated, called “Radical Ethicism, Part 1: What is consensuality?" and "Radical Ethicism, Part 2: Ethic of Consent, applied.”
So, here’s the experiment. First, set it up.
Bob and Andy are having sex. This is sex that they have both agreed to. But, in the middle of the sex, Andy starts feeling bad (it doesn’t matter why unexpected and undesired physical pain, or a bad memory) and no longer wants to continue having sex just then with Bob. Andy verbalizes this desire, such as by saying, “I want to stop having sex.” Assuming that Bob views himself as “not a rapist,” what should Bob do if he cares more about his self-image as “not a rapist” than about having sex with Andy? Should Bob:
- keep having sex with Andy, or
- stop having sex with Andy.
I think you would be hard-pressed to find someone who could argue that Bob should continue having sex with Andy while keeping a straight face. (If you do, though, YIKES.) The point here is simply that Andy has “withdrawn consent,” in exactly the way most people conceive of it, and the ethical thing to do is, of course, stop fucking.
Now, the thought experiment: ask, “How long after they start having sex is it okay for Andy to feel bad about that encounter?”
Since most people (including self-described “feminists who do consent work”) wrongheadedly think of consent as functionally identical to permission, they’ll give you an answer along the lines of “until the sex act is over.” What they’re showing you is that they don’t really believe that “consent can be withdrawn” at all. If they actually believed that, they would tell you that it doesn’t matter when Andy starts feeling bad there is no arbitrary point in time when someone loses the ability to “withdraw consent” that they once “gave.”
Andy has the right to feel however Andy feels, whenever Andy feels it. And, y’know what? So do you.
Try it out. Especially on self-described feminists. Let me know how it goes. :)
With the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife installed in your browser, every time you load someone’s FetLife profile page, their profile picture is now scanned using the facial recognition service provided by CreepShield.com and matched against mugshots in the United States’s national Sex Offender Registry. Here’s what it looks like in your browser:
The Predator Alert Tool for FetLife adds a “Possible Registered Sex Offender matches” section to each FetLife profile and shows you the registered sex offender that has the highest facial recognition similarities to the face in the user’s profile picture.
Click the “Search” button to click through to CreepShield’s complete list of criminal histories and known aliases found.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
I am claiming the Internet as a sovereign entity in which rape apologists are not welcome. Effective immediately, rape apologists on the Internet should get offline or watch their fucking back.
Screenshot of preliminary integration with CreepShield.com for Predator Alert Tool for FetLife.
CreepShield.com is a service that uses facial recognition software to determine weather an image they’re given is a photo of a registered sex offender. They’re a business, and as such I do not trust them. They impose arbitrary limitations designed to boost their profits, but I’m working on figuring out a way to get around those. I got as far as getting the search process automated, but there’s still some hurdles to overcome.
CreepShield’s holding company wants you to create an account and tell them who you are to make meaningful use of their service, or else pay them for access to their formal API (which I will never do). I absolutely abhor that this kind of technology is being marketed as a business—this is a great example of how almost all the benefit of technological advancement is provided only to the already rich and powerful. It’s absurdly unethical to require people to pay you to help keep them safe that’s the definition of a protection racket.
Also, there are enormous problems with the registered sex offender database itself, not least of which is that the information in it isn’t always very good, and when it is used by dating sites, it just further erodes user’s privacy.
Nevertheless, CreepShield.com exists now, and there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle. So, frak their business model bullshit. Let’s just use the tool anyway.
Those of you who have already installed Predator Alert Tool for FetLife from Userscripts.org should see an automatic update once this feature is released (and I can’t make any promises on when that will be, what with my being functionally homeless and stuff).
But I’m sharing this early because I want you to spread the word.
And spread the word about the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid and the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, too. I’m gonna build this into those tools, next.
THERE IS NO GOOD EXCUSE NOT TO BUILD SEXUAL VIOLENCE PREVENTION TOOLS INTO EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK ON THE INTERNET.
Hey, rapists, and rape apologists: watch your fucking back.
Did you know? Premium content that you “have to” pay for to watch on FetLife can actually be viewed by anyone, even if they never log in to a FetLife account (because FetLife “privacy” and "security" is piss poor). This means people who paid for a FetLife subscription to watch videos can share those videos with others using free, direct links that never expire.
The FetLife Video Sharer script:
Lets you share videos on FetLife with anyone for free. Gives you a direct, free link to bookmark so you can watch FetLife videos even when you are not logged in to your account. Send the link to someone without a paid FetLife membership account to make it possible for them to watch the video for free, too.
Learn more at maybemaimed.com/fetlife-video-sharer.
An easily searchable interface to all reports in the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife. In addition to FetLife, hacktivists have created Predator Alert Tools for sites like Facebook and OkCupid.
REMINDER: Predator Alert Tools for Facebook, OkCupid, FetLife, and other websites exist. Read about how you can use Predator Alert Tool to help you and your friends resist rape culture.
Report abusers on Facebook with the Predator Alert Tool
There’s a great Facebook app that lets you report people as predator.
What to do: Log your experiences with the app, and they appear in a database of consent violators. The disclosure settings are super-good e.g. you can log comments anonymously, set it to “only show to other people affected by the same person”, etc.
If someone’s being a massive creep, or if you just want to flag up a known predator/abuser, then you may really like this.
The Facebook app: https://apps.facebook.com/predator-alert-tool/
How-to video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T-t-wzKahg
How to add red boxes around known abusers on Facebook: http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/177813
Other information: http://maybemaimed.com/playground/predator-alert-tool-for-facebook/
Note: it also exists for OKCupid, Fetlife, and some other sites.
Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid:
Predator Alert Tool for FetLife:
And other sites.
Tons more info about this:
Okay kids, let’s try this one more time:
I’ve said it before and, if I have to, I’ll say it again: Rolequeerness is not about BDSM. It’s not a word for BDSM’ers.
My two favorite tigers. ^_^
"Wait, should I tag this? I mean, I assume people know what you look like, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe people actually think you’re just an angry all-caps Internet monster who doesn’t like hugs."
"But I wrote ‘hugs are great’ on my blog!!!”