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Male Submission Art @malesubmissionart

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Art and visual erotica that depicts masculine submission. We showcase beautiful imagery where men and other male-identified people are submissive subjects. We aim to challenge stereotypes of the "pathetic" submissive man. Learn more… . Your steward is maymay . Want to collaborate with me ? It's easy: visit or tag your bookmarks as for:MaleSubmissionArt ! More ways to contribute… . Original work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License . We make a concerted effort to attribute works properly; please show us, and the artists whose work we feature, the same courtesy. Please redistribute this work ; you are not stealing . - Male Submission Art (@malesubmissionart)
Maymay r foxtale has a new blog post up @malesubmissionart


R. Foxtale has a new blog post up discussing some interesting meta points related to rolequeer theory and, specifically, the methodology behind its own theorizing:

We’re not professional academics, not professional activists, not professional writers, nothing – nor do we aspire to any of those positions of authority. We are kids on the Internet trying to make the world better ASA fucking P. And this means getting our ideas out of our heads, and into the hands of more people who might be able to use and improve them, as fast as we can. Even if we don’t look good doing it. Our priority is to be memetic, not to be impressive. This is an explicitly rolequeer ethic.

We’ve taken to using the shorthand phrase “Iteration Not Concentration” to refer to this way of being in constant flux in relationship to our own theorizing. Mimesis, not attribution, has always been more important to us—and has historically always been more impactful.


Between the two of us, however, R. foxtale is the “educated” one, a trained academician and researcher, whose been unlearning academia:

I came up in an academic milieu where my intellect (and self-esteem) were defined by my ability to make a logically-sound philosophical argument, extra bonus points if it was painstakingly articulated and rhetorically elegant, even if that meant moving the conversation forward so fractionally as to be effectively meaningless, or even just reiterating stuff other people already said 300 years ago. It’s been HARD work for me to unlearn the deeply-internalized programming that tells me publishing ideas before they’re perfected makes me “intellectually lazy.” I’m still working on it.

I’m the hothead, the middle-school drop out, the impatient one. We make a good pair. :)

All ideas, or at least all good ones, go through a kind of neonatal, bisociative, “see what sticks” stage in which the thinker is just lumping random shit together because it sounds good, or they’re curious what will happen if they try this chord instead of that one, or if they add cumin and bananas to this stir-fry. This is often thought of as a sort of drafting/note-taking/raw processing/experimental stage and it’s fine to do, and to do messily and poorly, as long as you mostly do it in private and don’t go serving your paying customers banana and cumin stir-fry.

What rolequeers do, however, is that we tend to “publish” our work (aka be like, “You have to try this thing I made!”) at a MUCH earlier stage of development than is generally considered “professional.” This is because we are not professionals.

But, as I said above, this is an explicitly rolequeer ethic. Behaving in a maximally transparent and generative way, if doing so has even the tiniest potential to shift our collective theoretical consciousness towards disrupting oppression, has a clear ethical priority over appearing smart, cool, consistent, or even correct.

I’ve pointed this out many times before, too, but it’s worth emphasizing that there’s a gigantic difference between a professional activist and someone who actually makes meaningful change. We’re not the only ones making these anti-institutional arguments, of course. Another good primer is William Gillis’s “Organizations versus Getting Shit Done,” which may be easier to understand because it discusses institutions in the more traditional sense, whereas I defined and discuss “professional activist” as an institution in the sociological role sense (because the context is rolequeer theory, of course).

This is not to say that rolequeer thinkers never do any pre-processing. Maymay and I have hours of conversation that never make it to paper. We try out ideas, throw away bad ones, and even (gasp!) disagree. There are a handful of private threads and other little forums scattered about the Internet where various rolequeer folks are working through concepts that are still a bit too unarticulated (or incendiary) for public consumption…yet. But our threshold for releasing idea-seeds into the wild is FAR lower than almost any other strain of political theory I’m aware of. […] And we do this on purpose, because we believe that the Internet as a collective effort is infinitely more intelligent, creative, and visionary than even the brightest individual one of us could possibly be.

Furthermore, there is some strategy around packaging these probably-mostly-wrong proto-ideas in rhetoric that invites people to really argue with us about them i.e. by stating them as if they are simply factual rather than just wrapping them in, “Oh, I’m just thinking aloud here. I’m probably wrong. Don’t mind me.” Because we tend to engage quite politely with ideas sandwiched between caveats but, ultimately, people who tell me I’m fucking wrong and then tell me exactly why are going to move my intellectual process forward much faster than people who give me polite “constructive criticism” or none at all — even though receiving the former genuinely hurts WAY worse than receiving the latter.

And finally, the thing about being consistently, embarrassingly wrong in public is that it is fantastic insurance against becoming an authority figure. I never want people to consider me an authority on rolequeerness, because with authority comes the power to coercively impose your ideas on others’ minds. With that power comes the responsibility to slow way down and be much more careful about where, when, how, and with what degree of completeness you share your thoughts. And with that slowness comes the continued rape, violence, and oppression of vulnerable people who might’ve otherwise been protected from or avoided a dangerous situation if they’d only just seen the word “rolequeer” come across their dash a little earlier and had the opportunity to think for themselves about what it might mean.

This, too, is an explictly rolequeer ethos: understand that rejecting authority offers concrete, tangible benefits, not only to oneself, but also to others whose freedoms your non-cooperation with (active resistance against) said authorities inevitably supports.

I’ve been seeing R. Foxtale mull this post over for a while. Check it out in full on her blog. It’s nice to see the whole thing published, perfection be damned. ;)

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Maymay so this has been available for quite @malesubmissionart



So, this has been available for quite a while, but now that FetLife is actively removing links to it from venues they control (according to this tweet, which was part of this conversation, anyway), I figured it’s time to spread more links to it. :) Try it out:

  1. Log out of your FetLife account (if you have one and are logged in).
  2. Go to this page.
  3. Do a search! (This GIF screencast shows a demo.)


FetLife Age/Sex/Location Search (Extended Edition) demo

To reiterate, you do not need a FetLife account to use this search tool, though you do need one to “Send username a message on FetLife” (obviously?). It’s like your very own FetLife Meatlist. :)

Notice that you can search and filter profiles by pretty much any field, including their website lists (to easily limit your search to users with Twitter or Facebook profiles, for example), their “About Me” bio description, and how many photos or friends they have. Excluding profiles with no friends makes it easy to weed out sock puppets. :)

This is just the tip of the iceberg, though. By clicking the “Find username on other social networks” button, you can do a search on Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, and about a dozen other sites for the same user profile. The “Find username‘s profile pic on other sites” button makes it easy to do a reverse-image search for a person’s profile photo across the entire Internet. Finally, the “Report username for predatory behavior” button makes it easy to file a statement about that person in the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife. Again, since you don’t need to have a FetLife account to perform a search or to file a statement about a FetLife user in the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, this is a very handy way of finding people to report even if you’re not on the fetish dating site yourself.

If you do have an account on FetLife, though, you can just install this tool directly into the site. That way, you can access the search form with the click of a button, directly next to FetLife’s own search bar. Simply follow these instructions. :)

For those who are wondering, “Hey, I thought FetLife was private and secure!” this is probably a rude awakening. Turns out you’ve been bamboozled. I know, I know, you (and the FetLife “Carebears”) are probably “shocked, SHOCKED!” that this was even possible in the first place.

Fact is, this was all made possible because FetLife has a financial incentive to erode user privacy, to ensure that it is very poor. Everyone who’s bothered to do a Google search on the matter knows this, because it’s been written about many times for many years now. In plainer words: FetLife doesn’t want to enhance user privacy because doing so directly conflicts with FetLife’s business model. That’s why, despite saying they’re improving security, what FetLife is actually doing is, well, nothing at all, and sometimes making it much, much worse.

Thanks for the insecurity, FetLife. I’m looking forward to your next frivolous copyright takedown notice now. ;) Let me know if you’ll ever paying the $2,000+ invoice you owe me from 2012, eh?

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Ive cross referenced the fetlife creeplist @malesubmissionart

I’ve cross-referenced “The FetLife Creeplist, Volume 1” a massive database of over 1.5 million FetLife user accounts’ basic profile data (which offers some insights all on its own), with the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife consent violation report database (formerly FAADE).

In the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife database as of April 29th, 2015, there are 652 unique users reported as having violated someone’s consent. Out of those 652 users, 86 (13.19%) are paying FetLife customers. This table summarizes the self-reported genders and roles of those 86 customers.

Of FetLife customers reported to have violated someone’s consent, 52 (60.47%) are male-identified. Male doms alone make up more than a full fifth (20.93%) of FetLife’s customers who have reportedly raped or violated consent (18 users), with the next-most dangerous demographic being male sadists (10 users, 11.63%) followed by male switches (7 users, 8.14%).

Among paying FetLife customers, consent violations are overhwelmingly perpetrated by D-type roles, with Doms across all reported genders accounting for 19 accused users (22.1%), followed by sadists and switches, who each account for 10 accused users (11.63%). Notably, there are no male S-type FetLife customers who have been accused of consent violations so far.

From a dataset of over 1.5 million FetLife accounts (1,517,103, to be precise), a total of 15,495 customers were identified, showing that FetLife’s customer base is approximately 1.02% of its total user base. In contrast, out of 652 unique users reported to the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, 86 of those users are paying customers, which is a whopping 13.19%.

This indicates that paying FetLife customers are 13 times more likely to be sexual predators than the average FetLife user. In other words, you may want to be especially cautious whenever you see the “I support FetLife” badge on someone’s profile. :\

So. That’s a thing.

See also, in NCSF survey results, joining BDSM Scene increases your risk of being raped by 50%.

This dataset is compiled from over 15 million @malesubmissionart

This dataset is compiled from over 1.5 million FetLife user accounts’ basic profile data (available here href=""and time and time again ad nauseum, here’s a big clue.

Kittiecunt unquietpirate rolequeer pro critical @malesubmissionart



Rolequeer: Pro-Critical Analysis; Anti-Shame
Radical Feminism: Pro-Critical Analysis; Pro-Shame
Sex-Positive Feminism: Anti-Critical Analysis; Anti-Shame
Religious Conservatism: Anti-Critical Analysis; Pro-Shame

Neither radical sex-negative nor liberal sex-positive feminism is the clear opposite of rolequeer theory. Instead, they are opposites of each other, but their opposition exists in a space between rolequeerness and its true cultural opposite. What sexual politic is negative on critical engagement and positive on shame? What sexual politic claims that you should feel bad about your sexuality but that you shouldn’t think too hard about it? Welp, stock-standard conservative religious puritanism comes to mind.

Read more: [Bandana Blog] Locating Rolequeer within the Landscape of Sexuality Politics

I’ve never heard of rolequeer. Having done just a little bit of reading over the last hour, I feel like it really addresses a lot of the things that have always made me extremely hesitant to label myself a sex positive feminist. This is interesting and very important stuff.

Unquietpirate rolequeer pro critical analysis @malesubmissionart


Rolequeer: Pro-Critical Analysis; Anti-Shame
Radical Feminism: Pro-Critical Analysis; Pro-Shame
Sex-Positive Feminism: Anti-Critical Analysis; Anti-Shame
Religious Conservatism: Anti-Critical Analysis; Pro-Shame

Neither radical sex-negative nor liberal sex-positive feminism is the clear opposite of rolequeer theory. Instead, they are opposites of each other, but their opposition exists in a space between rolequeerness and its true cultural opposite. What sexual politic is negative on critical engagement and positive on shame? What sexual politic claims that you should feel bad about your sexuality but that you shouldn’t think too hard about it? Welp, stock-standard conservative religious puritanism comes to mind.

Read more: [Bandana Blog] Locating Rolequeer within the Landscape of Sexuality Politics

Rolequeer themerrymisnomer rolequeer @malesubmissionart





In the Rolequeer Facebook group this morning, someone asked:

So I’ve been thinking about this for sometime now, ever since Maymay introduce the concept to me. I get how all this in regards to power dynamics within the framework of gender and sexual identity, but I’m lost on ways that this could be applicable to other forms of oppression; such as racism, that are rampant in the BDSM scene. 

Is this something I’ve missed, or do I misunderstand the concept? 

Or is this something that has yet to be explored?

Just curious.

I figured my reply might be valuable to Tumblr peeps, also, so I thought I’d share it here:

One of the key projects of rolequeerness is to highlight, critique, and trouble oppressive power dynamics (in BDSM and in the world at large) in situations where they are downplayed, invisible-ized, or treated as “business as usual.”

One of the ways that rolequeerness has been applied to racism so far, although this is certainly only the tip of the iceberg, is by pointing out that BDSM culture’s ubiquitous Master/slave narrative likely has cultural roots in fetishizing the enslavement of Black folks. In short that, to some degree, Master/slave play (and, by extension, all D/s play) is ALWAYS race play — and yet it typically isn’t treated that way by the BDSM Scene.

There’s a Tumblr conversation about this here that you might find interesting:…/foxship-on-rolequeer… including one of the posters who is Black talking about some experiences of rolequeering race play with their white partner.

There’s also this post:…/like-slaves-in-our… about a South African photographer who addresses the issue of racialized power dynamics in her intimate relationship through a somewhat rolequeer lens.

And there’s one here that isn’t exclusively about racism, but that talks about some ways that including race in our discourse about power complicates our simplified white notions of what “abuse” and “authority” entail:…/themerrymisnomer-rolequeer

And then, there’s Maymay’s post “On the Evolution of Slavery: Owning Property is a Relation, not a Right”:…/on-the-evolution-of-slavery…/ where they’re beginning to try and flesh out a somewhat more top-level theoretical perspective on shared threads between various oppressive dynamics and their common grounding in a notion of “ownership” that justifies treating humans as property.

Those are a few pointers, and there may be more that I’m not aware of. Like I said, there definitely hasn’t been as much exploration of this avenue yet as there needs to be. (This is largely due, I think, to the fact that a large proportion of the people talking about rolequeerness publicly are white and, worse, that several of us are the kind of white folks who’ve internalized an obnoxiously crippling white guilt that makes us afraid to talk about racism lest we “talk about wrong.”) So, that’s a problem.

That being said, myself and several others believe that addressing racialized power hierarchies, specifically, is a core component of rolequeerness. We are trying to get better at figuring out what that looks like on the ground. Any other thoughts or comments or brainstorming around that very much appreciated!

Also, there’s a Rolequeer Facebook group, by the way. It’s currently a Closed group, but you can find it by searching ‘Rolequeer’ and request to join, if you’re interested.

There’s also a post about what The Star Spangled can tell us about slave play. 

And yes, there needs to be waaaaaay more talk about racism in BDSM and about how rolequeerness can contribute to tackling racism in kinky alternatives to BDSM. If there isn’t, the kinky alternatives are always going to end up carrying that racism in them. 

We can always spark more conversation.

I’ve got a small gang of black kinky queers that could use some rq reinforcement to voice some of their multivariate discontent with mainstream BDSM culture and the socioeconomic politics of safe spaces, affordable play arenas, and aggravated self-harm (by deliberately being present in those spaces that aren’t meant for us, it kind of amounts to unintentional self-harm, much like the politics of being a black cop and trying to reform from within a supremacist system and having that system move against you whenever they see fit, which is often the case for black cops who speak out against racial discrimination in the force or, gods forbid, they happen to be off duty and roaming while black…)

But for the most part, most of the black kinky people I know are way too busy surviving to initiate these highly intersectional, highly exhausting conversations about hierarchies and power differentials in the BDSM community.

But I’m here, as always. Poring over MayMay’s work and wondering how we were gifted with their presence on this good Earth.


Maymay unquietpirate soycrates unquietpirate @malesubmissionart








Maymay is hard at work on the next Predator Alert Tool!

Predator Alert Tool for Diaspora* will be the first truly unhosted PAT app, robustly designed to work across de-centralized, federated social networking plaforms, and with an even stronger focus on addressing cyberbullying and online harassment as well as offline violence.

However, as you can see above, they are also having some technical difficulties. Their laptop keyboard has stopped working. They’ve worked out a very temporary, clunky solution for now, in order to keep coding. But their real keyboard needs to be replaced — a repair that costs a little over $200.

If you’d like to support development of the Predator Alert Tools (or just want to support maymay in general), now is a great time to send them a donation. More information about how to do that here. Thanks!

Seriously, maymay has created an entire collection of tools to help and protect survivors, since the big names who run social media site can’t be bothered, and they do it completely for free and basically on their own. So yeah, if you can donate or signal boost so they could fix their keyboard, I think that’s the least we could do.

I’ve broken my laptop in the exact same way last week, and while I sympathize, I’m going to stress that this is no way gets in the way of coding. This does NOT make using any program harder. I’d love for someone to pay to fix my laptop so I can understand why they’d want someone to, especially when they provide a free service, but to say their keyboard “needs” to be replaced is kind of an overstatement, don’t you think? 

Hey there. I don’t know you, so I’m assuming that means you also don’t know me and don’t know much about Maymay. But, for what it’s worth, Maymay is homeless, lives on the road, and receives absolutely zero income except for donations of money and food. And the reason they live this way is largely so that they can focus 100% on helping solve serious but not lucrative social problems that more financially-motivated others with their type of technological expertise have chosen to ignore

If you’re interested, you can read a little bit more about what they’re doing here.

Having someone else pay to replace your keyboard might be unnecessary for someone in your position, since I assume you have a job and a house. I imagine it was unpleasant but not impossible to cover the cost of your own repair. But someone who has no income, has to carry everything they own around, and does a lot of their coding in places like bus terminals and other crowded public areas doesn’t have that luxury. $200 is several months of bills (phone, server), food, and transit costs for May. They can’t realistically blow that kind of money on a computer repair.

Obviously, everybody’s got their own financial situations they’re dealing with. There’s certainly no expectation on you or anyone else to help a stranger out. Hell, I already spent all the extra money I could afford this month (and more) donating to another friend who needs help hiring a trans*-friendly custody lawyer. But for those folks who do know Maymay, understand their situation, appreciate their work, and have some extra cash to spare, making a small donation would be appreciated and very sweet.

I’m sorry, I must have been unclear to warrant this response.

“Having someone else pay to replace your keyboard might be unnecessary for someone in your position, since I assume you have a job and a house. I imagine it was unpleasant but not impossible to cover the cost of your own repair.“

There’s no way in hell I could afford a $200 laptop repair. But I’m in the exact same boat:


I don’t have to pay to fix my entire laptop, as you can see, since I bought a keyboard for $20 dollars that works just fine. No, it doesn’t look fancy. But there’s nothing wrong with it!  And even though I could ask for help in getting my laptop fixed, I really feel there are better things people could be doing with $200 dollars than making my laptop look nice. $200 could buy a lot of food and blankets for a lot of people.

I think you thought I said that they should just suck it up and pay for their own laptop repairs, which is definitely not what I’m saying. I’m saying there laptop works fine, even if it doesn’t look great. I understand wanting to have a more aesthetically pleasing workplace and having the comfort of a laptop that doesn’t come in a bunch of pieces (I work from my laptop too, with probably about as much income as they receive - we’re probably very alike in the ways that we live!), but in no way does this make the laptop any less usable than a laptop with a normal keyboard.

I do suggest that, if enough donations are raised, it would be just as cost efficient to get a used or refurbished laptop altogether - unless they are using something like a mac (even then, it would be much more cost efficient to sell it and get a cheaper laptop). There are laptops in the 200-300 price range, which makes it pretty awkward to pay for repairs on a broken laptop for the same price.

I didn’t mean to cause any offense (and I certainly don’t think I meant to convey that they shouldn’t be asking for donations) but it did make me intensely curious as to how this situation could be a problem that was described as “needs fixing”. 

In the very least, consider this a signal boost to my 5,765 followers.

Alright, fine, I mean this is basically splitting hairs over semantics. Certainly, nobody absolutely “needs” to have a computer that works in a specific way, or to own a computer at all, or whatever. Arguably, nobody really “needs” anything except maybe food and, even then, endless debates rage about how much and what kind of food counts as “needed” vs. “wanted.” Whatever. I’m just trying to help my friend get their laptop fixed for christs’s sake.

Here’s the thing: In my experience, the distinction between “needs” and “wants” is a pretty abritrary one. They are hardly universalizable categories, for obvious reasons. I could get into some argument here trying to justify Maymay’s decisions about why they ask for crowdfunding support around certain things (like computer repairs) and not others (for example, I personally think they could really use a warm coat that fits and some gloves, rather than just wearing three layers of beat-up hoodies full of holes and shivering all the time — but they’re never in a million years going to ask anybody else to help them with that.) But I’m not going to.

Why? Because different people have different priorities about what things make their lives more worth living. When I have a little bit of extra money, I spent it on bodywork and psychotherapy, because that’s what I feel like I “need” — and I make other decisions in my life that allow me to prioritize that. Others might argue that getting regular massage is a luxury, but they spend money on videogames or eating out at lunch or they drive a new car or own a smartphone, all things which probably feel necessary to them for their well-being (and very well might be) but that I see as indulgent expenses that I could never countenance for myself. It’s not that the way a given individual spends their resources should never be subject to analysis. It’s that these kinds of decisions are so personal and contextual, there’s no point in arguing about them at such an oversimplified level of abstraction.

The point here is that I am not Maymay’s mom, and neither are you. Repairing your laptop isn’t a priority for you, fine, don’t repair your laptop. But lecturing total strangers about how they should spend their money is just rude — whether that be lecturing Maymay about how they should purchase a more “appropriate” computer for a homeless person, or lecturing Maymay’s supporters for sending them donations instead of using that money to buy people blankets, or whatever. Come on. Nobody’s asking you to fund a financial decision you consider irresponsible. But this is the beauty of crowdfunding. If you don’t want to support the thing, don’t.

Meanwhile, there are other people for whom it feels good to have an opportunity to help out someone whose work they appreciate in a way that is directly related to the continuuance of that work. And, if there are enough of those people to raise $200, Maymay will use it to get their laptop fixed. And, if there aren’t, they’ll figure out some other way to cope. Because that’s how crowdfunding works. We’re not talking about how the government allocates our tax money, here. We’re talking about how relative strangers on Tumblr decide to spend $10.

Anyway, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to tear into you personally. I just have a lot of loved ones who are or have been homeless, and so I hear this kind of shit constantly and it drives me crazy. Homeless and poor folks are entitled to just as much agency around how they spend their income as anybody else. If you, for whatever personal reasons you have, don’t want that income to include money you gave them, don’t give them money. But suggesting that other people who do want to donate shouldn’t, because you think the person asking doesn’t really deserve the kind of support they’ve requested, is fucked up.

TBQH: My personal opinion is that, if you’d like to have a working keyboard and you can’t afford to get your laptop fixed right now, you should try asking your friends and family (or some of your 5,765 followers) for support. Why haven’t you? I bet some of them would be genuinely happy to help you out.

Thank you for the signalboost. Sincerely.

Dear Soycrates, esteemed Philosophy BA from McMaster University,

How many blankets or how much food could you have bought for homeless people with the money you spent on your tuition?

If you’re truly concerned with efficient use of money, why did you choose to major in philosophy instead of, say, business or accounting?

If you don’t want to donate money, have you considered sending me some food instead, or would you first want to know whether I eat vegan, like you and your well-cared for Vegan High Horse, or if I eat the cheaper mass-produced poison that’s actually what I can afford without stealing?

Meanwhile you think your college degree is an effective use of your money to change the world or something? Shit son, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.

Speaking of bridges, would you like to join me for a sleepover under a highway overpass while we hide from cops? I know of a number of really good ones with relatively spacious cavities and a few even have nice views of nearby cities. Bring everything you own, including your sleeping bag, your clothes, food and water enough for three or four days, your laptop, and don’t forget your bulky external keyboard, which I’m sure you use to type out philosophical masterpieces about ethics that literally no one else on the planet can type, especially not the University Ivory Tower professors who you paid how much money to study under, again? I mean, why do either of us even bother with keyboards at all, we should just use pencils and paper, especially given that neither of us are writing computer code. Oh wait.

No but seriously, we should just use pencils. Certainly that’s a more efficient use of our money than typing code for anti-rape software that no one else is writing, anyway. But if you are gonna bring your keyboard to the sleepover, I hope the keyboard isn’t too heavy or hard to carry, because when you carry everything that you own with you wherever you go, every ounce matters, which I trust you already know because apparently our lifestyle is pretty similar, according to you and your extensive personal knowlege of my life that you acquired as a BA in Philosophy. Silly me.

Anyway, obviously you are spot-on about my main concern about my broken keyboard is how my laptop looks, because aesthetics is definitely the only thing I’ve been talking about here, unlike your morally superior focus on utility and efficiency. I’m so glad you’re here to keep me focused with your incredibly perceptive Tumblr blog!

You’ve convinced me. What I was asking for help with was stupid and entitled of me. I’m a bad, bad greedy person. So you can forget about the keyboard, and I’d be very appreciative of any donations of food you can offer instead, because then I’ll have to spend less money on food and can save more of it for other, more discretionary spending that isn’t morally approvee by esteemed ethicists like you, which of course I will check in with you about first to make sure it meets your standards of efficiency and necessity for what things my poor dirty hands touch.

But I also understand if you choose not to donate to help me out. Hell, everyone knows we homeless people are just gonna spend our money on keyboard repairs anyway. Next time when I ask for financial help, I’ll be less honest and just tell you I’m gonna buy a 40 and a dime bag, a’ight?

See also: How to patronize homeless people with a morally superior attitude that reeks of liberal judgment 101, a new McMaster University course taught by Soycrates. Tuition cost: free!

Maymay unquietpirate innershift @malesubmissionart





Rolequeer play is any kind of play (erotic or otherwise) that focuses on resisting, disrupting, or divesting from power hierarchies, and on recovering from trauma induced by those hierarchies.

#bdsm cw #i mean?? #i guess??????? #i feel like it’s sort of the antithesis


Rolequeer play, which focuses on questioning and dismantling power hierarchies, is intended (among other things) to be the antithesis of BDSM play, which centers around developing and reinforcing power hierarchies.

It makes me super happy that people can pick that up from the description, even when it’s not said explicitly. :)

*whiny BDSM’er voice* But you guyyyzzz, I really like abuse and domination and oppression turns me on. There is literally no way to disrupt power hierarchies for me, so stop kink-shaming me!

*back to maymay voice* Actually, there are a lot of ways to disrupt power hierarchies while still retaining an incredible amount of violent, abusive storytelling.

*whiny BDSM’er voice* Ugh, maymay, why don’t you just doxx me and tell me to die in a fire and then we can end this exchange sooner?

*back to maymay voice* Do you want to see a short, hot, boy-on-boy severe BDSM scene that is pretty fucking rolequeer?

*whiny BDSM’er voice* Ugh, maymay, go away. Nobody likes you. Everyone thinks you’re terrible. You’re an abuser and a stalker.

*back to maymay voice* How about it, folks, are you ready for some hot Submissive-on-Submissive action? Sexy boys! boys! boys! disobeying their dominant’s orders? A D/s dynamic, a whips-and-chains environment that is nonetheless deeply subversive?


*back to maymay voice* Drum roll please….


“What are you doing here? Are you crazy? What if they see you!” It wasn’t really a question. He knew perfectly well what they did to boys who disobeyed commands. Or if not perfectly well, that was only because he didn’t want to imagine it.

“Shhhhh,” said the other boy, placing a single finger on the bound boy’s lips. He looked around, eyes darting to the movements of rustling bushes. It was only the wind. He leaned in to press his lips against his own finger, still held against the other boy’s lips. “I spent a month tied to this tree when they first brought me here,” he whispered, peering coolly and deeply into the other boy’s frightened eyes. “No one ever came for me. I can’t watch you go through that and do nothing about it.”

He revealed a handful of ground meat he had brought and held it up to the other boy’s mouth. He ate. In a second it was done. It was not enough. For a moment both boys looked at each other and had the same conflicting thoughts: pity and sympathy. They were dressed the same, that was, naked except for locking leather cuffs on their wrists and ankles and a chain collar, also locked, around on their necks. If they dwelled on pitying the other for too long, they were pitying themselves.

The unchained boy looked around again. He had been quick. Maybe he had more time before they noticed him missing, he thought to himself.

"Do you want an orgasm?” he asked the new boy. The question was blunt, but there was no time for pleasantries.

The new boy opened his mouth to answer, but no sound came out. Was he really being offered an orgasm? He hadn’t been granted one in…he didn’t remember, didn’t want to think about it. If it was anything, it was always some cruel tease, or nothing. Yes, of course he wanted an orgasm. But this had to be a trick. First food. Now an orgasm? It didn’t make sense.

“Do you want one or not, I can’t stay much longer.”

“Y-y-yes, Ma-…”

“Don’t ‘Master’ me!” It was a growl louder than intended. The boy hushed himself. “Look at me. Look at my marks. Look at my rashes. Look at my burns. Do I look like one of the Masters to you?”


“No. Now stay quiet and tell me before you cum.”

“Yes, Ma—,” it was reflex. Instinct. Habit. Conditioning. That’s what Masters said before they touched him. But he caught himself before the rest of the honorific escaped his mouth, lest he anger his benevolent caretaker. With another cautious look, the boy who had fed him spit in his hand and wrapped his hand around his cock. He gasped and bit his lip. Oh god, he thought, was he allowed to orgasm? Really? No, probably not. He wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to, even pathetic and cold and hungry like this, he wanted to—there was surely something in the food—but he could not really believe it was permitted of him. And yet here he was, getting jerked off by one of the other boys he’d seen only a few times before.

It felt good. The boy kept spitting, quietly drooling onto his hands and then slathering the drool onto his cock to use for lube. His breath quickened and his cheeks flushed. The other boy toyed with his nipples gently, but worked his cock as if demanding it spurt immediately. It was hard to orgasm like this. He was so afraid. He’d be punished for sure! But the other boy’s efforts were relentless and skilled and soon he was holding his breath to stay quiet. He was getting so close….

When the other boy noticed his change of breath he kneeled, placing the tip of his cock in his mouth and continued aggressively masturbating his shaft. The boy’s other hand reached up to cover his mouth, keeping him quiet. He was really going to come! And suddenly he was grateful for the hand over his mouth as he felt his seed burst from him in great streams, just as the other boy impaled his face with his cock.

Not one drop hit the forest floor.

The boy stood, never removing his hand from the other boy’s mouth. Instead, he placed a finger over his own lips. “Shhhhh,” he said, before turning towards the house and leaving the other boy there, in the cold, until next time.

*back to maymay voice* You see, folks, rolequeer porn would eroticize disobedience to authority.


Maymay in case you missed it my post us @malesubmissionart


In case you missed it, my post “US officials’ justification for torture and BDSM’ers justification for abuse mirror each other,” is an important one.

Fractal social patterns, yo.

The post exists in reblog-able form on Tumblr, too.

Allies must be traitors on barnor hesses action oriented @malesubmissionart


The 8 White Identities

by [Associate Professor of African American Studies, Political Science, and Sociology] Barnor Hesse

There is a regime of whiteness, and there are action-oriented white identities. People who identify with whiteness are one of these. It’s about time we build an ethnography of whiteness, since white people have been the ones writing about governing Others.

  1. White Supremacist; Clearly marked white society that preserves, names, and values white superiority.
  2. White Voyeurism; Wouldn’t challenge a white supremacist; desires non-whiteness because it’s interesting, pleasurable; seeks to control the consumption and appropriation of non-whiteness; fascination with culture (ex: consuming Black culture without the burden of Blackness)
  3. White Privilege; May critique supremacy, but a deep investment in questions of fairness/equality under the normalization of whiteness and the white rule; sworn goal of ‘diversity’
  4. White Benefit; Sympathetic to a set of issues but only privately; won’t speak/act in solidarity publicly because benefiting through whiteness in public (some POC are in this category as well)
  5. White Confessional; Some exposure of whiteness takes place, but as a way of being accountable to POC after; seek validation from POC
  6. White Critical; Take on board critiques of whiteness and invest in exposing/marking the white regime; refuses to be complicit with the regime; whiteness speaking back to whiteness.
  7. White Traitor; Actively refuses complicity; names what’s going on; intention is to subvert white authority and tell the truth at whatever cost; need them to dismantle institutions.
  8. White Abolitionist; Changing institutions, dismantling whiteness, and not allowing whiteness to reassert itself.

I find a number of things in Barnor Hesse’s “The 8 White Identities” highly relevant and important.

First among them is Professor Hesse’s focus on “action-oriented identities.” This take on identity stands in remarkably sharp contrast to the typical (oxymoronic “white anti-racist”) understanding of identity politics. Hesse’s schema focuses almost exclusively on what people actually do, rather than on what people say they do, which should be, like, critical thinking 101 but isn’t because most people are intentionally (mis-)educated out of the ability to think critically by a white supremacist and actively genocidal system of forced schooling.

This point of “action-oriented identities” is actively relevant to rolequeer conversations right now, as this excerpt from Thinking Rolequeer: Stepping Outside the Charmed Circle makes clear:

[The concept of] kyriarchical positionality is about identity, whereas [Gayle Rubin’s] Charmed Circle is about actions. To think about and criticize power and powerful structures effectively, we must first deeply internalize the difference between these two things [identities and actions] and apply them both at the same time in any analysis of a given situation. This two-pronged approach is important because, for starters, “power” is not merely some abstract idea, but the application of force placed in time and space.

Most current discourse about sex and power has been totally overwhelmed by these ultimately unhelpful questions: Are you what you do? Are you only what you do? More crudely: Are you gay because you have gay sex? Or are you having gay sex because you are gay? Is it a choice? Or were you born that way? While politically expedient, I believe these questions dissecting the justifications for a given act are derailing distractions from the real issue: in what ways do our identities or actions threaten the ability of The Powers That Be to define our boundaries on our behalf?

Rolequeerness is a mental tool (that is, it is an idea) enabling us to more easily merge the two interrogatory approaches outlined in intersectional feminist analysis (kyriarchy, queer theory, etc.) described above in order to help us focus on actions whose impacts actually undermine power.

(Emphasis added.)

Another key point in Hesse’s schema is the way it implicit widens the scope of what is considered “complicity” with white supremacy by virtue of gradating such identities on a spectrum rather than a simple dichotomy of “racist” and “not racist.” Hesse makes this explicit in his description of “White Confessional” where he describes the point of action as one where “Some exposure of whiteness takes place, but as a way of being accountable to POC after,” which I read to mean after complicity in white supremacy has caused harm.

This point of placing complicit actions at a precise moment in time is something I heavily elaborated on in my essay, “Complicity in Abuse: 101-level information social justice hobbyists are dangerously ignorant of,” such as in this excerpt:

One way to understand awareness of complicity more fully is by contrasting it with a related and equally misunderstood idea: “being accountable.” Frustratingly, “accountability” has become an all but meaningless buzzword for social justice hobbyists (that is, people who engage in what I call “pop social justice”), such as those on Tumblr.

In the pitiable Internet social justice filter bubble where you may currently be having most of these conversations, “being accountable” means publicly accepting responsibility for some abusive or otherwise oppressive behavior. It’s also used to mean acknowledging a privilege (such as “male” or “white”) through a rigidly prescribed set of social rituals. Importantly, this “accepting accountability for” is definitionally something one does after one commits some abusive act or claims some oppressor identity. This is in sharp contrast to “awareness of complicity,” which is definitionally something we are trying to do to prevent abusive or oppressive behavior from existing in the first place as much as possible.

I also think that even the name of this category, “White Confessional,” is important to this point. It locates white guilt by metaphorical coordinates in the dominant moral belief system of religion by its name: Confession. Despite whatever honest intent may have birthed this peculiar social ritual, it has been undeniably perverted into an act of abusive complicity and is now used as a psychological bludgeon by the majority of “social justice activists.” In my “Complicity in Abuse” essay, I quote Andrea Smith on this point:

It’s also important to understand the purpose of these rigidly prescribed social rituals, because they are one way many people are complicit in abuse. The rituals that activism hobbyists perform together was perhaps best summarized by Andrea Smith in her essay, The Problem with Privilege:

In my experience working with a multitude of anti-racist organizing projects over the years, I frequently found myself participating in various workshops in which participants were asked to reflect on their gender/race/sexuality/class/etc. privilege.  These workshops had a bit of a self-help orientation to them: “I am so and so, and I have x privilege.”  It was never quite clear what the point of these confessions were.  It was not as if other participants did not know the confessor in question had her/his proclaimed privilege.   It did not appear that these individual confessions actually led to any political projects to dismantle the structures of domination that enabled their privilege.  Rather, the confessions became the political project themselves.    The benefits of these confessions seemed to be ephemeral.  For the instant the confession took place, those who do not have that privilege in daily life would have a temporary position of power as the hearer of the confession who could grant absolution and forgiveness.  The sayer of the confession could then be granted temporary forgiveness for her/his abuses of power and relief from white/male/heterosexual/etc guilt.   Because of the perceived benefits of this ritual, there was generally little critique of the fact that in the end, it primarily served to reinstantiate the structures of domination it was supposed to resist.

By performing the confession ritual Smith describes happening in these workshops, people who fancy themselves “social justice activists” engage in a transaction that temporarily trades whatever systemic power they may have had outside of the workshop’s context (such as the ability to command more cultural and social attention as a result of their whiteness, or to more forcefully direct community governance processes as a result of their maleness, etc.) in exchange for some social accolades (such as acceptance to the workshop space, friendships with the workshop participants, and public recognition from those who already command respect) within the workshop context.

This is a fundamentally corrupt, and corrupting, process.

(Emphasis in original.)

Last (for now) but not least, I also think Hesse’s naming of a category “White Traitor,” especially as it’s distinct from “White Abolitionist” but nevertheless paired with it (we “need them [traitors] to dismantle institutions”), is important. To be blunt, you can not be a traitor to a cause or institution that you have never supported. A traitor is a turncoat or, depending on your point of view, perhaps a whistleblower. These difficult identities is where acts of (social justice) “allyship” really take place; “allyship” is not present in the guilt-projecting “confessionals” of in-actionable social capitalism wrapped in the flag of identity politics.

This point of traitorous identities also inherently defines a certain relationship that crosses the line between the personal and the political, the individual and the institutional. That relationship is also inherently dangerous, because it actively threatens powerful people, institutions, and political forces. Tumblr user alexispointy succinctly described traitorous white race relations like this:

if you want to really be a useful white race traitor, you gotta refuse the privileges granted to you and interfere with the privileges granted to others for being white. at the very least, use your white privilege to help serve the immediate needs of poc if you can’t be assed to sacrifice the comforts of your white life.

In numerous essays, unquietpirate also discusses “traitorous” relationships in the contexts of both race and gender. In this post, she brings it back around to how (intentionally?) ineffective most of what’s called “social justice” really is, and why the idea of a “rolequeer politic of action” is both so useful and threatening, but is not actually new at all:

Arguably, the most effective thing that a person with privilege can do to dismantle oppression culture is to treat the marginalized people they love respectfully, put their needs first, and do everything possible to make their lives easier, so that those peoples’ intimate understanding of how oppression works and how to resist it can come to the fore — rather than be further buried under the crushing weight of just having to deal with oppression in every situation and relationship in their life every minute of every goddamn day.

This is ultimately the reason why rolequeerness is so important. The radical act I’m describing is basically “submission” — but the key is that it’s about submitting to someone who is less powerful than you. The traditionalist notion of power relations is that we submit to people because they are more powerful than us, but that’s backwards.

Radical people of color and other marginalized folks have been talking about this fairly common sense thing since the 60s and probably long before: the idea that “allies” exist to support a movement in the ways they are asked to, not to run it; that ”allyship” is about putting your privilege into the service of a movement that seeks to dismantle the institution that privileges you. That’s giving your power over to someone for the express purpose of empowering them to hurt you. That’s a submissive relationship to power.


One of the reasons that contemporary pop social justice folks are so bad at achieving their own stated goals is because they fail to understand that allyship is submission — and most of the entitled, domist folks in that scene couldn’t submit to save their lives, even the ones who identify as “submissive” in a BDSM context. See also: The number of people who got all excited about “rolequeer” as a cool, edgy new identity option — but wigged out about the part of my post that described rolequeers as “submissive as fuck.”

“I want to say I’m rolequeer, but I don’t want that to mean people think I’m submissive! Eew!” is what I heard when I read those posts. And, to me, it just smacked of some heterosexual hipster who’s taking a Gender Studies class and wants to identify as “queer” but not “get mistaken for a fag.”

Turns out that if you want to ally with people less powerful than you, then you might get “mistaken” for being one of them. And if that assumption that you’re a traitor to your privileged class is a mistake, you’re probably “being an ally” for the wrong reasons.

So, as we’ve said before, this is just some of what we’re trying to talk about when we say that “rolequeer means a traitorous relationship to one’s own placement in a privileged position.”

Maymay there are a lot of things i could say @malesubmissionart


There are a lot of things I could say about the US Senate investigation’s CIA “torture report” released Tuesday, but I’m still digesting a lot of the information in it, and watching mainstream and social media’s responses while my own words take shape. In the mean time, here are some salient observations and immediate reactions from others interspersed with commentary I made about the BDSM Scene in the past that I think is particularly relevant, if perhaps not as succinct as I will be in the future.

I’ll start with this cartoon that appeared in the LA Times showing Dick Cheney wearing only a skimpy black leather one-piece, gloves, and high-heeled boots, while holding a cat o’ nine tails-like whip, a perfect addition along with Peter Acworth to the “Douchey Dom“ figureheads. He is standing outside a dungeon door (CIA torturers literally called their interrogation rooms “dungeons”) with water spilling out of it.

Dick Cheney defends his record…

"Torture wasn’t wrong if it got results! Besides, I think some of them kind of liked it. ;)

David Horsey (political cartoonist)

In our “Dominants Are Rapists” series, unquietpirate wrote “Consent Is Not Enough,” where she says:

It’s one thing to fetishistically desire to harm vulnerable people. It’s another thing to manifest that desire by actually pursuing erotic intimacy with vulnerable people who you can harm. And it is, in fact, even worse — not better — to achieve that intimacy by convincing said vulnerable people that they started it, that they invited you to hurt them, that they wanted it, that they said it was okay.

Next, novelist Saladin Ahmed notes that that there is a relationship between the fictional stories our society promotes on prime time and our government’s actions:

The linked Slate article cites discussions amongst the highest ranking government officials who approved torture, like Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, that TV shows “reflect real life,” and simultaneously used that reflection to justify their own brutality. Fellow writer Jennifer de Guzman notes:

Meanwhile, the central point in rolequeer’s methods for countering attempts by the BDSM Scene and its proponents to normalize rape and torture is not by banning those activites or even shaming or criminalizing its practitioners through the obviously ineffective legal system, but rather by retelling stories of rape, abuse, and torture that portrays these things as horrific injustices rather than as uncomplicated play times or sexually attractive entertainment.

To wit, one of my own recent explanations of rolequeer sex:

Rolequeerness is not about sex. It’s about power. But insofar as sex is about power, then rolequeerness is simply a neologism pointing out the reality of sex as infused with inegalitarian power relations and describes one’s desire to undermine that inequity.

The idea that human relationships are infused with power imbalances is not some new insight birthed, fully-formed, from the imaginations of rolequeer people and no one else. That’s not what’s interesting about discussions of rolequeerness nor about rolequeer sex. What’s interesting about these things are the stories rolequeer people tell one another and ourselves about what we can do to sabotage our own positions as people with the ability and desire to dominate other people.

(Emphasis added.)

Further elaborating on this point, in my post “Sensation, Story, and Felt Sense,” I wrote:

The sensations you may kink on are not only available to you through some authoritarian narrative. While those coercive narratives are common cultural and erotic tropes, they do not represent the whole or even the majority field of physical sensation, kink, or meaning-making processes. When you call your kinks BDSM you are legitimizing the rape-centric ideological foundations used by sociopathic abusers to justify their desire for having non-consensual sex.

If you think making rape jokes and saying things normalizing rape is not okay, why do you think making jokes about safewords and saying things normalizing sadomasochistic rapes is okay?

The key take away here is that the stories we tell ourselves about why we do what we do meaningfully impact both what we do and why we do it. The goal of the BDSM Scene is to limit the scope of any discussion about sexualized violence to a simple dichotomy that puts “BDSM” on one side and “abuse” on the other, but as we’ve seen so many times before, such good-bad binarism inevitably leads to a disastrous hyper-focus on justifying the “goodness” of abusive, or at least complicitous, behavior.

On that note, one of the two psychologists who was paid millions of dollars to create the CIA’s torture program spoke out in his own defense exactly along these lines:

Mitchell asserted, as have former CIA officials who ran the interrogation program, that the current policy of using CIA drones to kill terrorists overseas with Hellfire missiles is more troubling than subjecting them to harsh interrogation measures.

“It’s a lot more humane, even if you are going to subject them to harsh techniques, to question them while they are still alive, than it is to kill them and their children and their neighbors with a drone,” he said.

The report said Mitchell “had reviewed research on ‘learned helplessness,’ in which individuals might become passive and depressed in response to adverse or uncontrollable events. He theorized that inducing such a state could encourage a detainee to cooperate and provide information.”

Here, Mitchell asserts that his torture techniques are the “good cop” to Obama’s hellfire drone “bad cops,” a classic policing tactic since the invention of the police. But two wrongs don’t make a right, a phrase much more often used incorrectly by the media to denounce violent self-defense in the face of torture and drone strikes (or police murders of unarmed Black people), but that actually fits perfectly here. Mitchell is the military analog to the veteran police officer who murdered Mike Brown, Darren Wilson; a 30 year veteran of the US military, Mitchell was doing exactly what he was trained and paid to do.

The problem is not one or two psychologists per se, it’s cultural indoctrination, an activity that every establishment media outlet from Glenn Beck to the New York Times and countless blogs and people are complicit in, as each did their part in playing along with the CIA’s “media strategy“ explicitly. Indoctrination itself draws legitimacy from cultural narratives saying it’s okay, even desirable, to dominate others. But that cultural narrative is not isolated to CIA torture sites. It lives in you and me, today, right now.

And nowhere is the domination-legitimizing narrative more clearly, deeply, and personally valorized or defended than the BDSM Scene:

Imagine an entire culture manufactured with globalized, industrialized precision designed to brainwash whole demographics of people into believing that they need to suck your (metaphorical) dick to feel fulfilled. Hot, right? Problematic, right?

What if you didn’t need to imagine anymore? How would you feel about participating in such a culture?

You need only look into a mirror.

What would you need to do to sleep at night? What have you already tried?

Rolequeer maymay rolequeer since a book @malesubmissionart




Since a book isn’t happening any time soon, I’ve turned to something less ambitious and actually far more in the spirit of classic anarchism: zine making. 

This is the read-friendly version, print-friendly version coming soon. 

This is beautiful. Here is a transcription of the text in the images:


A first exploration into why I like kink but NOT bdsm



  • rape culture
  • predators
  • abuse

[Page 1]

I think kink is really amazing.

All these possibilities to find eroticism or romance or care in unlikely places.

[Page 2]

There is:

  • shoes,
  • fantasy,
  • fabrics
  • (playing) creatures,
  • gender roles,
  • places,
  • touch,
  • dirt,
  • cleaning,
  • publicity,
  • history,
  • roles,
  • orgasms (or not),
  • drag,
  • clothing,
  • styles,
  • privacy,
  • your kink here: __________.

[Page 3]

But if you look for kink you find “BDSM” and that’s usually like…

  • …one person is powerless,
  • and getting tied up,
  • and likes pain,
  • inferior,
  • Pornografic,

and the other is like the exact opposite.

That’s not very creative. (Boring! Restrictive! Binary!)

[Page 4]


For a community that claims to value consent and communication, BDSM sure has a lot of…

  • “let me push your boundaries”
  • “but you know you LIKED it”
  • violence,
  • “it’s not rape if…”
  • “but did you use your safeword?”
  • “expressing your desire is topping from the bottom”
  • “you don’t like that…yet”

…along with trying to protect an image of NOT being abusers, ends up protecting abusers, rapists and predators.

…does not allow conversations about consent violations.

So they
talk the talk
but they end up
not walking
the walk.

[Page 5]

Imagine if we could restart kink, explore it without BDSM.

without racism
without rape culture
without sexism
without domism
without patriarchy
without transphobia
without shaming

This is not easy. We’re not all happy and healthy, and neither are our kinks.

[Page 6]

But it seems worth the



  • kink without power binaries
  • without identity borders or flags
  • kink without dominants
  • kink without clearly defined roles
  • kink as a world to explore, not a club to join

Imagine exploring.

[Back Cover]

Fuck copyright.

Steal my stuff.

If you would like to print and distribute this zine, there are print-ready versions of the above imagines available here.

Thank you so much for making a transcript. After about 3 hours of scissors and glue I was too tired to do that today. thanks <3

I said yes but i feel raped @malesubmissionart

maymay:’s first Sunday Secret posted on November 8th, 2014:

I said yes

But I feel raped.

A friend sent me this with a short note that read, “[Your] consent as felt work and helping society find and comprehend the distinction between consent and permission are important.”

I’ve now penned over a dozen thousand words about Consent as a Felt Sense on my own, and my co-author unquietpirate has penned quite a bit herself, so you could easily feel like there’s a lot you have to catch up on if this idea is new to you. But it’s actually not complicated at all. There’s nothing new you need to learn to understand Consent as a Felt Sense. There’s only lots of imposing societal bullshit you need to unlearn.

Here’s the whole idea, in less than 100 words:

You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense makes a two pronged argument:

  1. Saying “yes” is necessary but not sufficient for consent.
  2. There is no expiration date on realizing that your consent was violated.

Neither one of these assertions seems controversial. Not unless you’re some kind of cartoonish MRA troll. But when we make them together — there’s no expiration date on realizing that your “yes” was not consent — we get a furor of backlash from all sides about how we’ve “gone too far.”

I just think that’s weird.

The reason I’ve personally penned over a dozen thousand words to explain and re-explain and contextualize and defend the combination of these two very simple points has nothing to do with the complexity of the idea and everything to do with the fact that, when push comes to shove, almost everyone—and I do mean everyone, from cartoonish MRA trolls to feminist social justice warriorsis fighting to retain an abusive status quo, even though they think they’re fighting for change by fighting each other.

What the reaction to our Consent as a Felt Sense essay shows most of all is that folks from “both sides” of the issue want discussion about consent to stay firmly rooted in debating which rapes are “rape” and which are not.

  • The MRAs: “It’s quite a clever attempt to rebrand regret as something other than personal feelings about a past indiscretion.”
  • The feminist SJWs: “I argue in favor of having a category for ‘sex experienced as a violation’, separate from rape.

These statements are different only in degree, not in quality. Both are disrespectful, callous, and incommensurate with compassion for people who experience rape. The only meaningful difference between these statements is the careful tact with which the feminist sneakily assigns themselves the moral authority to audit and “categorize” others’ experiences of sexual violation. (How selflessly generous!) Both statements effectively psychologically bludgeon and blame rape victims for their rape. In other words, the MRA is a wolf in wolf’s clothing. The feminist SJW is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But both of them are collaborating on the same project.

As my co-author patiently explained to one of these critics, yet again, “We’re saying that if there are situations which someone does identify as rape, even in retrospect, they’re allowed to call them that. That if there are situations where someone believes they were consenting, and then later realizes their ‘yes’ was not consent, they’re allowed to talk about that. That’s all we’re saying. Really. That’s it.”

If you feel like you were raped, you can talk about what happened to you using the word “rape.” You can always use the words that ring truest to you. And, as this PostSecret postcard evidently showcases, that’s what people are gonna do anyway. So maybe we should stop telling other people that feeling their own fucking feelings is wrong.

Now that? I think that encouraging one another to relate to each other on the basis of how we actually feel instead of on the basis of how we expect or are expected to feel, I think that sounds like a much more worthwhile feminist project than recreating categories for (“legitimate”) rape. And I wonder how much longer it will take before “feminists who do consent work” will come ’round to thinking that way, too.

Sensation story and felt sense rolequeer and bdsm do not @malesubmissionart


I was very pleased to see that the 8 colorful Venn diagrams I made explaining how BDSM is, by definition, rooted in abuse quickly spread across Tumblr. Predictably, however, a lot of people who objected did so on the basis that their special-snowflake BDSM relationships were not abuse and how dare I suggest such a kink shaming thing? Never mind the fact that I did not suggest such a thing, and that this isn’t about you in the first place.

Still, many folks have bought into the lie perpetuated by the powerful sociopathic abusers who control much of the discourse around BDSM and sex-positivity that the only way to kink is through BDSM. They tell you that what is not BDSM must be “vanilla,” and sadly many people (including many otherwise nonbinary queers) believe in this made up D/s binary. This leaves those people unclear about what other rolequeers and I mean when we say “your kinks are not BDSM.”

So, since people seem to really enjoy infographics, here is another one I put together to try to help people stuck in the limiting loop of the D/s binary and unwilling or unable to examine the ways that “D/s dynamics” are a reincarnation of abuser dynamics take a closer look at that:

Your Kinks Are Not BDSM

Three columns represent different aspects of experience:

  1. Sensation: What physical feelings do I want to experience?
  2. Story: In what scenarios can I experience it? What roles or narratives are available to me?
  3. Felt Sense: What psychosomatic impact(s) did this experience have? What was the focus of the story?

Sensation: “Impact play”

Sensation in deep tissue or on superficial skin areas, warming and flushing of the skin, can be erotically or non-erotically pleasurable, relaxing, or exciting.

Spanking, hitting with open hands or closed fists (slapping or punching), striking with objects (hairbrush, flogger, etc.) or other people (mosh pit) are some ways to achieve this.

Stories about “Impact play” can include:

  • Being punished/enduring consequence of disobedience
  • Receiving physical therapy or massage
  • Roughhousing with peers during play times
  • Enduring physically abusive treatment

Sensation: Prolonged sexual arousal

Feeling horny and erotically excited, physically erect and turned on for long periods of sexual or even beyond the end of sexual encounters.

Long masturbation and self-pleasure sessions before reaching orgasm, omitting orgasm from a sexual encounter, or otherwise delaying sexual climax are some ways to achieve this sensation.

Stories about prolonged sexual arousal can include:

  • Experiencing anorgasmic medical dysfunction
  • Being sexually “teased”
  • Having access to own genitals restricted (forced denial)
  • Taking a vow of celibacy or choosing to abstain from orgasm or other specific sexual behavior

Sensation: Constriction & compression

Pressure around and in the body by being held in one position, compressed, squeezed, or otherwise constrained can be physically and emotionally relaxing, frightening, or have other psychosomatic impacts.

Being bound with ropes, straps, wraps, metal bondage equipment, or the overpowering body of another person are all some ways to experience this sensation.

Stories about constriction & compression can include:

  • Being captive (to police, kidnappers, or other abductors)
  • Being hugged
  • Receiving physical support (help standing, holding hands for morale support)
  • Being wrapped up for comfort (security blankets, intentionally relaxing bondage)

Felt Sense


  • Instills camaraderie and cooperation
  • Confuses authoritarian narratives
  • Encourages compassion for those who are mistreated
  • Focuses on peering behaviors
  • Undermines power imbalances


  • Instills obedience
  • Demonstrates subordination to authorities (teachers, parents, disciplinarians, etc.)
  • Encourages gratitude for enacting mistreatment
  • Exaggerates power imbalances
  • Focuses on one actor overpowering another

TL;DR: Rolequeer play is not a way of doing BDSM. The two are inherently and perpetually at odds. Rolequeer play and BDSM do not mix. The key distinction is that the former actively rejects the D/s binary on which the latter both relies and reifies.

The sensations you may kink on are not only available to you through some authoritarian narrative. While those coercive narratives are common cultural and erotic tropes, they do not represent the whole or even the majority field of physical sensation, kink, or meaning-making processes. When you call your kinks BDSM you are legitimizing the rape-centric ideological foundations used by sociopathic abusers to justify their desire for having non-consensual sex.

If you think making rape jokes and saying things normalizing rape is not okay, why do you think making jokes about safewords and saying things normalizing sadomasochistic rapes is okay?

Tldr summary courtesy unquietpirate the goal @malesubmissionart

TL;DR (summary courtesy unquietpirate): The goal of BDSM Scene rhetoric is to limit the scope of any conversation about sexualized violence to a simple dichotomy — that there is “BDSM” and there is “abuse” and that the two can never overlap “because consent.”

But BDSM, by definition, is about abuse — even when performed in the most consensual, conscientious, and compassionate way — because “what makes BDSM the thing that it is is not consent but sexualized authority, a fetish for eroticizing dominance, or justifying a desire for non-consensual sex. That doesn’t mean consent is lacking in BDSM, it just means that what the people involved are consenting to is getting off on stories (or the actual acts) of powerful actors overpowering vulnerable ones.”

But that does not describe the entire field of kink and, in fact, if we zoom out to include a broader understanding of what is sexual, what is kinky, and what is abusive, we see a much more complex landscape in which the conversation about sexualized violence can occur.

And it needs to be occurring in that more complicated and comprehensive landscape, otherwise many survivors of sexualized violence are erased and their stories go unheard.


Okay kids gather round while I try my best to explain something that I’d like to not have to explain anymore. You have probably heard how lots of kink shits will say “BDSM is not abuse,” and then when you challenge them on that, they will tell you to “educate yourself.” When you point out that perhaps they should instead question their education, they will say you are “kink shaming” and run off.

Here’s why their argument is just completely wrong. Follow along with the Venn diagrams, above.

Picture 1: “BDSM” versus “abuse”

First, though, what is their argument? Well, it’s simple: “BDSM is not abuse.” This is what’s known as a No True Scotsman argument, that is, the continual re-definition of a thing to selectively exclude the parts of that thing that aren’t “truly” that thing. In this case, BDSM on the one hand and abuse on the other. This is also known as a false dichotomy, or a binary, or, more simply, just a kind of lie.

This lie didn’t come from nowhere. In fact, it came from a very specific political rhetoric that differentiated sex from rape in the exact same way.

Picture 2: “Sex” versus “rape”

The binary dichotomization of sex as distinct from rape was and arguably still is a very important tool to shift political conversations away from “don’t get raped” and onto “don’t rape,” but it is nothing if not obtuse. It’s obvious that there are a lot of coercive, non-consensual acts that are not sexual, but we don’t tend to call those “rape.” Therefore, it’s also obvious that “rape” is a form of sex. Violative, even violent, sex, but still sex. So the reality about this is more like the Venn diagram shown in picture 3.

Picture 3: “Sex” encompasses “rape”

While there is still an important distinction between “sex” and “rape,” it’s simply imprecise at best and obfuscatory at worst to describe “rape” as non-sexual. This obfuscation is one of the things the BDSM’er lie that “BDSM is not abuse” relies on you remaining unable to see.

The easiest way to get BDSM’ers to admit this is a lie is simply to ask them, “Do you believe that abusive BDSM exists?” If they say no, they’re stuck playing their 1990’s smash hit single, “BDSM is not abuse” by the No True Scotsmans, and you can politely excuse yourself from the conversation because you’ve reached its end.

However, this is so obscenely obviously obvious that most of them will, in fact, admit that there are “abusers in the lifestyle” or at least that those people are “using BDSM as a cover for abuse,” at which point you have successfully described the situation shown in picture 4.

Picture 4: Where “BDSM” and “abuse” overlap there is an area called “abusive BDSM”

This idea presupposes that there is something about BDSM that can make it not-abuse, but that BDSM is not inherently anti-abuse. That magic thing? Why, “consent,” of course!



I mean, your job or boss is not abusive because, after all, you consented to employment there, right? Your school is not abusive because, after all, you haven’t dropped out, right? And I mean, y’know, if you do end up being forced to engage an abusive boss or teacher (or cop) it’s really just one “bad apple,” just an “isolated incident,” and you shouldn’t speak so negatively about all bosses or teachers (or cops). Cuz, y’know, #NotAllBosses and #NotAllTeachers and certainly #NotAllDominants.

But wait, there’s more.

There’s another lie embedded in “BDSM is not abuse” that has already set the terms of the debate in exactly the same way as the implicit threat of unemployment comes with an unspoken “and then you’ll starve” and the way forced schooling comes with an unspoken “because then you’ll never get a good job,” and this lie is exactly the same as the first, but about different things, as picture 5 shows.

Picture 5: “Vanilla” versus “BDSM”

To a kink shit, the only way to kink is through BDSM. In fact, BDSM *is* kink. Anything that isn’t kinky is “vanilla,” and everything that is kinky is “BDSM.” This is another false dichotomy, another binary, another lie made up by the socially powerful sociopathic abusers who control much of the discourse in the BDSM and sadomasochistic mainstream subcultures (yes, subcultures have a mainstream).

But this lie is in reality just as transparent as the first. In reality, BDSM is only a small sliver under the umbrella of what kink or kinky sex can actually be instead of the other way around; there is a huge difference between “having hot, kinky sex,” and “being into BDSM,” between saying “I’m kinky,” and “I’m a kinkster,” between “doing kinky things” and “being in the lifestyle.” Therefore, the reality of this situation looks more like picture 6.

Picture 6: “Kink” encompasses “BDSM”

Kink is a very, very broad umbrella and includes things that BDSM most certainly does not. Moreover, the hyperfocus BDSM’ers have on that tiny subsection of kink they obsess over is not actually about consent at all:

When describing their communities, BDSM’ers will talk about how theirs is a “safe, sane” space, “based on consent and respect and sex-positivity” as if reciting some invisible script. But there are many communities whose rhetoric or practice (or both) are based on these ideas, so it seems incomplete at best or a deliberate misdirection at worst to describe this particular subculture in that way. All of those things may be present or lacking to varying degrees and the thing that BDSM is will still be mostly unchanged.

It’s especially strange to hear them talk as if those aspects are unique characteristics when there is one very obvious thing that sets BDSM apart from other communities: a fixated sexualization of authority. Oddly, that’s also the one thing about BDSM they seem loathe to admit. I think that’s meaningful.

In other words, what makes BDSM the thing that it is is not consent but sexualized authority, a fetish for eroticizing dominance, on justifying a desire for non-consensual sex. That doesn’t mean consent is lacking in BDSM, it just means that what the people involved are consenting to is getting off on stories (or the actual acts) of powerful actors overpowering vulnerable ones. I’m not even trying to tell you there’s something wrong with that, I’m just saying that eroticizing that kind of coercive behavior is not the only way to kink.

And if you can accept that, if you can decouple the sexualization of coercive cultural tropes from enjoying your kink, and if the idea that you can and do “consent” to things and “willingly” involve yourself in systems that harm you and act abusively towards you for a whole host of reasons (like that job you hate so that you can still get money to pay for food and shelter), that there is no safeword that rape culture will respect, we can proceed to picture 7.

Picture 7: Where “kink” and “abuse” overlap, there exists “BDSM”

It is obviously true that there is such a thing as “abusive kink” as it is true that there is such a thing as “abusive BDSM.” This might look like someone forcing their girlfriend into a threesome with another woman she doesn’t want to have, an act that’s certainly not “vanilla” and yet also doesn’t necessarily rely on fetishizing the dominance of a particular actor. After all, that abusive behavior could just as easily be motivated by the person’s fetish for femininity (a fetish straight men have by definition) as much as it could be motivated by an eroticization of their own authority over their girlfriend.

So it stands to reason that BDSM exists not in opposition to the made up idea of “vanilla” or solely on the side of consensual interactions in an equally imaginary consensual/abusive binary, but is located instead in that area of human desires that spans both consensual and abusive behaviors that for one reason or another nevertheless enacts mistreatment. And this is something BDSM’ers themselves fully acknowledge.

In my most generous interpretations, I will agree that “BDSM is not abuse” is technically correct, but the technicality is misleading: BDSM is not necessarily “abuse” if and only if “abuse” is defined so narrowly that it now becomes the thing to which No True Scotsman arguments are applied (instead of “BDSM,” as before). But unless they are backed so far into a corner that they can no longer hold to their own internal logic, no BDSM’er has ever argued against or denied that what BDSM actually is is an eroticization of mistreatment. If you bristle at the word “abuse,” fine, call it something else. But at this point that argument is a distinction without a difference, and beyond being simply wrong, it’s also boring.

But wait, there’s one more argument BDSM’ers will make to defend their failed experiment in content-free “liberation” that they still feel BDSM contains: “BDSM is not always about sex!”

This is a ruse back to the beginning, another way to say “what is sex can not be rape and what is rape can not be sex.” It’s an attempt to redefine BDSM as somehow inherently not-abuse by pointing out that implicitly equating BDSM with sex is untrue and thus unraveling the argument that BDSM is also therefore the eroticization of abuse.

And while there’s some merit to that argument, its flaw is that neither kink nor abuse are necessary about sex, either. Observe, picture 8.

Picture 8: Sex, Kink, and Abuse are three distinct areas; where sex and abuse overlap there are various different forms of coercive sex (i.e., “rape”) and where sex does not overlap are different forms of abusive behavior, including a smaller area called “BDSM” that includes (where sex is concerned) “sadomasochistic rape” and (where sex is not involved) “abusive BDSM”

Here, now, is a much-expanded view of the realms of sex, kink, and abuse.  Coercive and violative experiences can both involve or not involve sex. When they do, they are called rape, because that’s what rape is. It is possible to commit rape in a number of different ways, only one of which is sadomasochistically. The noisy protestations from BDSM’ers that “what it is that we do (WIITWD)” can not be abuse is a bad argument that itself relies on shitty lies.

And sure, part of the problem with their lies is that they provide structural cover for rapists—a cover that is increasingly becoming more popular as Daddy-doms continue to gleefully turn abuse into a fun meme attractive to young Submissives—to hide and blend into what may have otherwise been respectful social institutions. But the much bigger issue here is that BDSM’ers’ elitist hyperfocus on a tiny sliver of kink and subsequent lawyering over what is or is not (“real”) abuse, what is or is not (“real”) rape, actively harms survivors of far more ubiquitous consent violations than just the extreme horror stories of those who have suffered sadomasochistic rapes.

We have a War on Terror. We have a War on Drugs. We don’t have a War on Rape. WHY. THE FUCK. IS THAT?

Maymay douchey dominant who needs consent @malesubmissionart




Pretty much.

Predator alert tool for okcupid now warns of abusive dom @malesubmissionart


I am happy to announce that I have just released an update to the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid, bringing it up to version 0.5.3. This version fixes a few bugs in its auto-update functionality and, importantly, adds new red-flag questions to the default questionnaire in order to help users better protect themselves against predatory sexual dominants.

Many thanks to unquietpirate for creating the new OkCupid questions.

I made the choice to introduce these questions about kinky power dynamics and rolequeerness to the default set after learning about yet another example of a man accused of raping three women, twenty years his junior, and claiming that it had been consensual under the guise of sadomasochistic sexual play and dominance and submission role play.

The sad truth of the matter is that there is no such thing as anti-abuse BDSM. In fact, Dominants are rapists. The BDSM community is a clusterfuck of abusers with a staunchly rape-apologetic ideological foundation, most appropriately compared to the way GamerGate is a horde of ravenous misogynistic abusers. Unless, y’know, “actually, it’s about ethics in rough-sex sports clubs.”

All users are encouraged to immediately update to the latest version of Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid by clicking here.

Unquietpirate unquietpirate maymay @malesubmissionart







@unquietpirate Tweets:

So, like, our clinky sex is basically 100% aftercare. #rolequeer

If you can’t imagine how you get to aftercare w/out hurting each other first, try expanding yr understanding of the field yr playing in.

How much sex have you already had in your life that relied on oppressive tropes that you never got aftercare for? #rolequeer

Don’t artificially induce trauma to have something to care after. Most of us already got enough of a backlog to be going on with. #rolequeer

See Also:

“‘Clinky’ has sort of morphed into personal shorthand for “kinky but not necessarily BDSM.” - How to have hot, kinky sex with other Submissives without inviting a Dom

Since rolequeer play involves intentional and increasing periods of power-equity, rolequeer play will often appear more ‘vanilla’ on the surface than much of the ‘BDSM’ you’re used to.” - Rolequeer play is about breaking power dynamics

This is really affirming for me. Asking for care/help/support is a thing that I still have a lot of trouble feeling OK about or like it’s a possibility. And that’s something the culture of the BDSM scene can be really, really bad about.

Like, it occurred to me at some point - if I was feeling bad about something, if had the context to do it in, I might very well feel comfortable say asking a partner to call me certain derogatives in scene. (Which is a very valid way to deal with things for people it’s good for, and I’m not saying anything against it). But, I would feel probably less comfortable asking them for reassurance/support in other ways that my brain would tell me would impose on them. (I think I’m better at this now, but go back some time and it’ll be even more an issue).

That’s… not OK.

Seems like ‘Aftercare is needy’ is a myth perpetuated by rapey dominants who don’t really care about how a submissive feels, only about how to keep a submissive satisfied enough to play with them again. Those are the kind of people who reluctantly give aftercare as a trade off. Those are the kind of people who consider aftercare needy.

And at the same time those are the kind of people who will write of serious distress and trauma after a scene as ‘natural’ and ‘not signs of abuse’ because aftercare exists. (I don’t mean to say here that it’s wrong to do play that requires aftercare. A lot of kinky sex is about dealing with past trauma or the every day strain of living in an oppressive world. It’s normal to need aftercare after that. But don’t pretend it’s ‘fun happy carefree bdsm’, there’s no such thing.)

I’ll repeat myself just to be clear: the kind of people who consider aftercare an imposition are rapists. The kind of people who consider trauma and distress after play to be normal and nothing to worry about are also rapists. 

But enough about rapists, back to clinky sex:

In reality, aftercare is a word for tenderness, intimacy, caring, looking after each other. And that is awesome and can be as important and as fun, or more important and more fun than kinky sex. It’s certainly not ‘vanilla’. I absolutely love the idea in the idea in those tweets that you can have aftercare without kinky sex. That you can widen the scope of what we can get aftercare for.

We live in an oppressive world every single day. We are dominated by that oppressive world without our consent every single day, and we could certainly use some aftecare for that. 

I don’t have a lot of emotional energy for this particular part of this conversation but I wanted to add something I feel is critically important to this part of the conversation: aftercare is not merely used in BDSM by rapists who want to do the minimum amount of work to “not break their toys” and therefore feel imposed on by others’ requests for aftercare. Yes, that happens, but that is not the really insidious thing about aftercare. It is actually a good thing, in the relative scheme of how horrible rapists are, that some of them find themselves in situations where they feel imposed on to do work to comfort people who need comforting and to support people who ask for support.

What is so insidious about the “aftercare” rapists (i.e., BDSM Dominants) provide is that it is used to recondition the psychoemotional responses of the people they interact with towards finding the abuse they have experienced desirable, deserved, and ultimately necessary. This is what (“consensual”) gaslighting means.

That’s why I call it brainwashing. This is not a tactic limited to BDSM. And that’s all I have to say about that right now.

See also:

I just want to add a quick thing about what I had in mind when I tweeted these tweets. I think the discussion about abusive doms who consider aftercare a burden is valuable, because it’s important to acknowledge that as bullshit rapey behavior — and also to point out that these kind of doms sometimes do use aftercare as a tactic to psychoemotionally manipulate, gaslight, and trivialize the traumatic experiences of their submissive partners. If you haven’t read Clarisse Thorne’s excellent piece on this, I recommend it: S&M Aftercare…or Brainwashing?:

Bodily violence sometimes creates a mental malleability and vulnerability that can be used in good ways … but also in terrible ways. I see aspects of this in competitive sports, especially the ones that involve fighting and hurting other people very directly. (Have you ever seen that phenomenon where two guys fight each other and then become Best Friends right afterwards?)

Being together with an S&M partner during aftercare can be used to free people, to make them feel amazing and establish extraordinary intimacy. But it can hurt people too; it can hurt them terribly. Read more…

But that’s not who I had in mind as the audience for these tweets, because I can’t imagine the kind of abusive self-involved dom who thinks “aftercare is hassle” is ever going to be wondering about how to make his play more rolequeer. Rather, I was thinking of people who enjoy doing aftercare. The kind of tops for whom the opportunity to provide aftercare is a core piece of the pleasure they get out of topping. Basically people, both tops and bottoms, who really kink on the Hurt/Comfort trope. (Which I do.)

I’ve definitely had conversations with Dominants who said that one of the big reasons they liked hurting their Submissive partners was because then they got to take care of them afterwards. And I think it’s totally legitimate and normal to enjoy, and even get erotic pleasure from, the act of providing “tenderness, intimacy, caring, looking after each other” in the wake of pain and trauma. All I’m saying is you don’t have to be the one causing that trauma in order to get the benefit of caring for your partner through it.

(I mean, obviously, right? That seems so totally non-controversial to me now, whereas, “Well, I like taking care of them, which is why I have to hurt them,” sounds TOTALLY ABUSIVE. Why on earth did that ever seem like a reasonable explanation to me?? Oh, right. Brainwashing.)

I also like the notion of (compassionate and supportive, as opposed to brainwashing) aftercare as being a response to any trauma, not only trauma you’ve just caused in this particular scene, because it queers the notion of whose “job” it is to provide the aftercare and whose to receive it. Rather, we’ve all been through painful and damaging experiences. We can all care for and be cared for by each other. We can be providing mutual simultaneous aftercare. (And we often are.)

In this particular instance, when I said our clinky sex is “almost 100% aftercare,” I think I was referring to the huge amount of sex and play maymay and I have that’s focused very intentionally around providing each other with erotic experiences that, previously, we’d been told we “didn’t deserve,” or that we were “crazy” to want, or that our D-type partners simply weren’t interested in and so we were expected to de-prioritize our desires in favor of theirs.

Often after we’ve had some kind of super hot ’n’ heavy, bondage-intensive, screaming, begging, orgasmic (or non-orgasmic), queer, multi-partner technosex — something that nobody would look at from a D/s framework and think “aftercare” — I come away from it feeling like I’ve been bathed in a loving aftercare-like glow for hours because that play has come after years of being told, “No, you don’t get to have that, ever.” And because the intention behind doing it now is not simply, “Well, okay, actually maybe now we can and it’d be hot” but also, “and fuck anyone who ever said otherwise. We deserve pleasure and erotic fulfillment as much as Doms do.”

(P.S. I really liked seeing these tweets pop up on my dash again because they reminded me of a particularly yummy play session. :) )

Incidentally, this issue sort of falls into the realm of questions about rolequeer “topping” — which is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to over the past couple of years but haven’t written as much publicly about. Partly because how to rolequeer topping behavior, while theoretically and personally interesting and important in the larger scheme of things, obviously wasn’t (and still isn’t) as much of an immediate priority as giving “bottoms” the tools to get out of relationships with abusive Dominants. And partly because it’s just really vulnerable personal shit that I’m still not totally clear on.

But now there are a few other folks out there (like @safeword, yay!), who seem to be investigating the question of “rolequeer topping” in a legitimately and thoughtful way (as opposed to a certain D-type “asshole blogger” I won’t name who started out talking a good game about disrupting D/s in theory, but showed their true colors by continuing to be an unabashed victim-blaming Domist rape apologist in the streets). And I feel like the work to support “bottoms”, while still ongoing, is now kind of on a roll. So, I might start trying to put some more of my “rolequeer topping” thoughts down on paper. Watch this space!

Douchey dominant maymay inspired by the epic @malesubmissionart



Inspired by the epic fucking Twitter thread I started and that now seems like it will probably go on forever and has spawned side threads (like this) picking apart how the “BDSM is not abuse” argument is a very flimsy No True Scotsman fallacy, I present to you, without further ado, Douchey Dom’s take on the issue!


Ain’t he the dreamiest?


Maymay this douchey dominant meme was inspired @malesubmissionart


This douchey-dominant meme was inspired by one of the more blatantly horrible posts responding to Consent as a Felt Sense, brought to you by Peter Kelley performing his one-man show “I Am What A Rapist Looks Like,” featuring such one-line gems as, “This is Jim Crow in feminist garb,” “Females not only need physical protection, they need to feel scared, to feel threatened,” “Deep down women can not function sanely in safety,” and, “The tragedy of women is that they are not and can not be happy when genuinely safe.”

Stay tuned for Peter’s thrilling sequel, “I Am What An Eternally Damned Sociopath Looks Like,” coming soon to blogs near you!


Maymay anyexcusetowearatutu @malesubmissionart






“Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?”, Part 1 of 2. (link to Part 2)


  1. College Men: Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,Lisak and Miller, 2002 [PDF, 12 pages]
  2. Navy Men: Lisak and Miller’s results were essentially duplicated in an even larger study (2,925 men): Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel, McWhorter, 2009 [PDF, 16 pages]

By dark-side-of-the-room, who writes:

These infogifs are provided RIGHTS-FREE for noncommercial purposes. Repost them anywhere. In fact, repost them EVERYWHERE. No need to credit. Link to the L&M study if possible.

Knowledge is a seed; sow it.

Reblogging because I mentioned this study in a post the other day and someone reblogged & replied insinuating that I’d made it up, but I didn’t have the citation on hand right then. As I said then: rape culture is what teaches rapists that they aren’t rapists.

^ bolded for emphasis

like we talked about in my college’s Rape Prevention seminar, only a very small amount of men are rapists, but they are repeat offenders, so they harm multiple women before they get caught.

Put simply, there are two general strategies that can be used to solve this problem:

  1. Expose the repeat rapists as early as possible (This is what Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid aims to do.)
  2. Get survivors who share an abuser in common in touch with one another as soon as possible. (This is what Predator Alert Tool for Facebook aims to do.)

Clearly, if there is more than one way to address a problem, the best course of action is to address the problem using all the ways we can simultaneously address it. Activists sometimes call this simple idea “diversity of tactics,” although a lot of people misunderstand that phrase.

Strategy number 1 is an attempt at prevention that will not be 100% successful. (Nothing is 100% successful, especially on its own.) Strategy number 2 is an attempt to provide survivors with the communal resources they need to ensure a rapist is only able to rape a minimal number of times before they are prevented from doing so again.

Technological tools like these are not new. Before Predator Alert Tool for Facebook existed, survivors wrote the names of their rapists on bathroom stalls. (And they still do that, today.) They were also asking their social network (their friends) about how the person they were thinking of going out with behaved like in bed. That’s basically all the Predator Alert Tools do, too. Just, faster, ‘cause computers.

I spend a lot of my time thinking about technologies and the sociocultural and sociopolitical impact they have, especially on rape culture. If you’re curious about the Predator Alert Tool project or these ideas more generally, check out my blog post: “Predator Alert Tool as a game theoretic simulation of countermeasures to rape culture.”

Also, please reblog. Obviously. Thanks. :)

Shall we play a game predator alert tool as a game theor @malesubmissionart


In “Strategies Without Frontiers,” one of this week’s BSides LV information/security conference talks, software engineer and co-originator of the language-theoretic approach to computer security Meredith Patterson used Predator Alert Tool as an example of “an organic response against predatory [societal] games.” Or, in simpler words, Predator Alert Tool was cited as an example of how we can change our cultural environment from a relatively safe place for (sexual) predation into one that’s actively hostile to sexually predatory behaviors. And we can talk about that process using math, like this:

Normal form of the classic Prisoner’s Dilemma game theory problem displays a matrix of outcomes for a given combination of player strategies (“cooperate” or “defect”).

That’s why myself and a group of volunteer culture hackers have been blanketing the Internet’s social media websites with numerous different variations of Predator Alert Tool prototypes. We’re dissecting rape culture and using what we learn to devise game theoretic counter-strategies encoded as software tools that help people avoid undesirable outcomes.

That sounds complicated, but it has very humble origins: scale protective mechanisms that already work.

For the future, to use Meredith’s words:

Predicting your adversary’s behaviour is the holy grail of threat modeling. This talk will explore the problem of adversarial reasoning under uncertainty through the lens of game theory[. …] But as a tool for the real world, game theory seems to put the cart before the horse: how can you choose the proper strategy if you don’t necessarily even know what game you’re playing? For this, we turn to the relatively young field of probabilistic programming, which enables us to make powerful predictions about adversaries’ strategies and behaviour based on observed data.

In “the transparent society” of the public Internet, we can observe a lot of data. After all, the Internet is a record-keeping archive at the same time as it is a telecommunications medium. And this data reliably reveals patterns about who behaves in predatory ways:

People who try to break tools designed to support rape survivors are extremely likely not to support those who have had their consent violated. And it just so happens that identifying people who are likely to be unsupportive of those who have had their consent violated is what Predator Alert Tool is designed to do. Letting people attack PAT and then identifying who launched those attacks turns out to be an exceptionally reliable indicator—undeniable, even—that those attackers should be included in the database itself.

For the more mathematically minded, Predator Alert Tool can be approached as a reputation system coupled with a societally iterated prisoner’s dilemma. That is to say, it’s a tool designed to help you make dating choices that take into account all the past interactions a given person (like, say, the cutie you’re scoping out on OkCupid) has had. As one oft-targeted woman put it, “PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT YOU TWEET AROUND HERE and some of us can’t afford to have short memories.”

And wouldn’t you know it? A lot of hackers are already working on this problem. Unfortunately for those of us who think rape is kind of a shitty thing to do, those highly-skilled and well-paid mathematicians and computer hackers are usually employed by secretive government agencies that are famous for sharing sexually explicit photos of attractive women intercepted from their private Internet communications. (Also, hey, thanks for letting us know about that, Edward Snowden.)

Sadly, we live in a world where sociopathic behavior isn’t just tolerated, it’s rewarded. Until that changes, I can guarantee you this: violence prevention needs more hackers.

Maymay douchey dominant not all doms your @malesubmissionart




Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to say “Yes, all doms say shit like ‘not all doms’…” in a conversation about shit doms say, and in which doms are talking.

And then smile coolly as all the doms within earshot stare blankly at you in utter distress as they contemplate the paradox of their intense desire and desperation to inform you that not all doms say that.

You will break them.

↬ p0kemina

Maymay notafuckingwizard @malesubmissionart






“Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?”, Part 1 of 2. (link to Part 2)


  1. College Men: Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,Lisak and Miller, 2002 [PDF, 12 pages]
  2. Navy Men: Lisak and Miller’s results were essentially duplicated in an even larger study (2,925 men): Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel, McWhorter, 2009 [PDF, 16 pages]

By dark-side-of-the-room, who writes:

These infogifs are provided RIGHTS-FREE for noncommercial purposes. Repost them anywhere. In fact, repost them EVERYWHERE. No need to credit. Link to the L&M study if possible.

Knowledge is a seed; sow it.

Reblogging because I mentioned this study in a post the other day and someone reblogged & replied insinuating that I’d made it up, but I didn’t have the citation on hand right then. As I said then: rape culture is what teaches rapists that they aren’t rapists.

^ bolded for emphasis

this is why those questions are on OKC. You can get a browser plug-in that red-flags anyone who answers yes.

The browser plugin is called Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid. There’s a really succinct write-up about it on LifeHacker.

Over 96,000 notes for the Tumblr post describing the problem, less than 100 for the post about what we can do about it. So, that’s weird.

Unquietpirate maymay douchey dominant @malesubmissionart





We should start a “Nice Guys of FetLife” tag.


Maymay dr evil explains bdsm terms @malesubmissionart


Dr. Evil explains BDSM terms.

Maymay kagome mizuno kagome mizuno so @malesubmissionart




So, i’m really digging maymay’s culture-hack Douchey Dom meme. This is the one i created, and based off a true story. Basically, anything that broke my limits or was abusive, that i called out on (which was sadly rare, because i was browbeaten by the fucker) was met with the top line. i just kept digging and digging for why this would be the idiot’s worldview, and the bottom line is the only thing i could find (and thus why i hate those books with a passion).

Of course, it doesn’t match the rape that occurred. When called out on THAT, i got “you never said it was a limit!” Except i literally did, the very first day we were together, a YEAR before the rape. In fact, the very fact that the fucker knew it was a limit is why they did it to me in my sleep.

Aaaand turns out there was one created that perfectly explains the fucker’s worldview:


Douchey dominant glimpseofyouth im @malesubmissionart



I’m analyzing women and their images in history.


Douchey dominant contemplative domination @malesubmissionart



Less kvetching, more fetching.

Male, Married, 30s.

Torn between a healthy belief in feminism and a desire to objectify. Okay, not really that torn.


Maymay notquitemyagony notfuckingcishet @malesubmissionart




Ok last one of the Doucheydom meme. 

Could someone elaborate on this/give examples? Specifically on what ‘eroticizing rape culture’ means/looks like? (I’m not arguing or defending, I’m genuinely having trouble understanding and would like to).

“Eroticizing rape culture” means sexualizing coercive sexual tropes that occur in your cultural context. For example, if you live in a society where it’s common to catcall women on the street or grope women’s bodies on the train (like, say, every country on Earth that has streets or trains), then “eroticizing rape culture” often looks like calling your sexual partner the same sorts of words that people use to catcall women, or grabbing their bodies in the same places and from the same angles as though you were on a train.

There’s nothing wrong with using words that turn you and your partner on, or feeling your sweetie up in ways that feel good to the two of you, of course, and no one is saying that there is. Not even dyed-in-the-wool hardcore anti-kink radfems are saying that. (So don’t believe the hype from people who will tell you that that’s what folks are saying when they say “eroticizing rape culture.”)

What people (like me) ARE saying is that we’ve observed a commonality in the ways that people engage in sexual behavior and signalling. Further, we’re observing that this commonality is shared among a virtually impossible majority of otherwise extremely different individuals. And we’re suggesting that this isn’t actually a mystery.

We’re saying that the reason many people (like me) find the sorts of things that are reminiscent of, say, catcalling and groping people on the train sexy in the first place is related to the ways in which we were acculturated by our particular culture’s sexual messaging. In other words, a lot of people find coercive sexual tropes arousing because our culture eroticizes rape.

The Douchey Dom meme you asked about, shown above, illustrates how the BDSM subculture goes one step further. Beyond merely eroticizing rape, it eroticizes the eroticization of rape. It’s not just that “rape is sexy.” What’s sexy, in BDSM, is finding rape sexy. In fact, the Douchey Dom meme was conceived to point out the absurdity of “celebrating gay rights” by eroticizing non-consensual imprisonment—a torture endured by many LGBT people to this day.

Of course, that’s not how BDSM’ers talk about what they’re doing, because nobody other than rapists thinks “finding rape sexy” is actually sexy. So the Douchey Dom meme is pointing out both that there is a LOT of cultural overlap between the BDSM subculture and the mainstream—more than BDSM’ers will admit to—and also pointing out that the set of people defined as “rapists” differs depending on who you are. BDSM’ers think the Douchey Dom represents “those bad doms, not us good doms,” whereas other people think the Douchey Dom represents, well, BDSM’ers.

Maymay my new douchey dom faves has three @malesubmissionart


My new “Douchey Dom“ faves.









Now with moar Tumblr.

Notfuckingcishet ok last one of the doucheydom @malesubmissionart


Ok last one of the Doucheydom meme. 

Notfuckingcishet more from the doucheydom meme @malesubmissionart


More from the DoucheyDom meme

Maymay im starting to think douchey dom is @malesubmissionart


I’m starting to think Douchey Dom is also the perfect way to explain rape culture to BDSM’ers:


Maymay welp it got better and by better i @malesubmissionart


Welp, it got better. And by better I mean even more douchey. And by douchey I mean familiar.

Douchey Dom meme images in this set:








Make your own here:

Maymay this is not how bdsmers say consent @malesubmissionart


This is not how BDSM’ers say consent works, but it is how BDSM’ers behave as it does.

Read more:

Pay attention to what they actually do, not what they say that they do. See also, the “Douchey Dom” meme:


Accessible description:


Maymay tldr whether or not breath play can be @malesubmissionart


TL;DR: Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud. There are a lot of risks that even “experienced breath play experts” don’t even know exist.

But the fact that there are a lot of ignorant “experts” in the BDSM Scene, and even more people who eagerly consent to putting their lives in these self-described expert’s hands (literally!) is not some kind of fluke about breath play, and that dynamic doesn’t only exist in the BDSM Scene.

Rather, it’s a fundamental supporting pillar of rape culture generally (“if it’s a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has ways of shutting that whole thing down”, anyone?), which the BDSM Scene knowingly relies on in order to sustain its existence.

The BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts, relying on the fact that you won’t read the fine print before clicking on the proverbial “I consent” button.















PSA of the day.

Are you fucking kidding . This is so disgusting

wtf is this sociopathic trash. 

look at this piece of shit post. i hope the people who reblogged it uncritically get the shits for days man


It’s scary that so many people reblogged this without criticism. This is how normalized violence against women is in our culture.

what the actual fuck




but if a persons kink doesn’t hurt anybody and if both/all parties are down, isn’t a post about being safe in this situation a good thing?

If it’s a kink and you have a safeword and you and your partner listen to the safeword and are comfortable with doing breathplay then it’s fine. As long as you’re both careful and safe about it.

There is literally no such thing as safe breathplay.

Consent doesn’t mean you won’t get arrested for manslaughter if your play partner dies of a cardiac arrest.

Oh, lemme guess: you didn’t know that breathplay can cause a silent cardiac arrest in even the healthiest individual up to 45 minutes after play? And I’ll guess you didn’t know that a fractured hyoid bone—typical to strangulation or choking—is a life-threatening medical emergency?

Or that even three minutes of hypoxia can cause anoxic brain damage, which is cumulative and irreparable?

There is NO SUCH THING as safe breathplay and it is irresponsible in the extreme to suggest there is.

This is an excellent example of how ‘everything is fine between two concenting adults’ is sometimes just NOT TRUE. Safe breath play does not exist. And unless your kink is dying of brain damage of a blood clot some time after a play that ‘seemed to go well’, DO NOT DO IT. 

And ya know, stop unquestioningly believing what the BDSM world tells you. Stop believing that acts like this can be done safely but also stop believing that rape and abusive relationships don’t exist in the BDSM scene and that you should ignore the warning signs of abuse. Stop believing that a ‘sub’ who is not allowed to speak to others without permission is in a healthy relationship. Stop believing that people who complain about sexism or racism in play are just ‘kink shaming’. Stop believing that someone who reports having their consent violated just wasn’t clear enough about their safe words or ‘it’s probably all a big misunderstanding’. Stop believing that ‘privacy’ should include not naming rapists. 

Step back and really think about what is safe, what is ethical and what is rape culture and abuse. 

I don’t get it. If it’s okay to hold your breath why wouldn’t it be okay to have someone else hold your breath? I like having that done to me. I don’t ever do it for more than two minutes, usually more like 45 seconds. How could that be a health problem? Is there some kind of documentation?

I was talking to Maymay about this last night and I believe their exact words were, “Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud.” Apparently, some people think there are safe ways to do it, and other people think those people are insane.

The person who taught me how to do it said the trick is to hold your own breath at the same time you’re holding theirs, so that you make sure to let them breathe before you start getting lightheaded yourself. (She also used a pinching-the-nose-and-mouth-closed method, not a strangulation method.) That doesn’t seem fool-proof; different people have different lung capacities, and it doesn’t solve the issues of dangerous follow-up effects. But it made sense to me as a general rule. (And of course, I just trusted her because I saw her as a “Real Dom” and thus an “expert.”) That being said, I still don’t do it, because it makes me nervous. And because it’s not really my kink.

One major thing the OPs seemed to be pointing out is that the position depicted in the image — cutting someone’s air supply off by choking them — is never safe because of the fragility of the hyoid bone. The hyoid is a tiny, floating bone in the front of your throat that helps support your trachea as well as anchoring some of your tongue movements. It is often crushed when someone is choked or strangled. In massage school they taught us never to work in that area without very specific technical training, because the hyoid is an “endangerment zone.” Accidentally putting pressure on it has the potential to cause serious injury. So, yes, even though I could maybe countenance breath play in other ways, I would never consider it “safe” to do it the way it’s depicted in that image.

That doesn’t mean nobody should do it, or course. Risk-tolerance is a personal decision. It’s possible to have barrier-free sex with an HIV+ person and not contract HIV, and there might be lots of good reasons to choose to do so in certain situations. But it’d be pretty irresponsible to explain that to people by telling them barrier-free sex is no big deal and you probably won’t get HIV anyway as long as you wash your dick afterwards. Consent isn’t consent unless it’s informed. Lots of people in the Scene (and out of it) are probably agreeing to breath play without being meaningfully informed about the potential side-effects. That’s a problem. 

And it’s a problem with a lot of other stuff, also, such as people agreeing to enter full-time intimate “power exchange” relationships explicitly grounded in abuse dynamics, without being informed about the potential for acquiring PTSD even from activities they consented to. Again, I’m not saying nobody should ever choose to take that risk. For some people, long-term PTSD might be a price they’re willing to pay for a kind of intimacy that’s really important to them. I seriously empathize with that. But I’m saying people deserve to know what they’re signing up for. And the BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts.

Really great stuff here.

Also, the Douchey Dom meme is once again suddenly relevant:



Maymay o look moar douchey dom memes here @malesubmissionart


O look moar Douchey Dom memes!

(Here are the others I really liked. Make your own!)

This “violet wand” one is hilarious, too:


And this isn’t really funny so much as a constant fucking endemic problem with these shitty people:


I bet looking through the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife consent violation reports would provide sooooo much more fodder for this meme omg.

Maymay well that was fast more douchey dom @malesubmissionart


Well, that was fast. More Douchey Dom images! :D I can’t wait to check back tomorrow to see what else y’all have come up with. (Here’s where you can make your own images.)








There’s more on the Douchey Dom page, too. Some are really, really funny! …in that douchey kind of way.

Maymay a few more douchey dom memes only @malesubmissionart


A few more Douchey Dom memes:




Here’s the original Douchey Dom set.

Maymay i present the world with a new meme @malesubmissionart


I present the world with a new meme: Douchey Dom!



Celebrating gay rights by hosting an orgy that depicted gay people being put in prison is actually a real thing this real man (Peter Acworth, CEO of, did this LGBT Pride Month: Prison-Themed Pride Party Ends With Arrests. And so I could think of no better image for the Douchey Dom meme than a real photograph of a real portrait of him.

Here’s another example:

'Sexually Diverse' … Porn stash filled with skiny white women.

Turn on CAPS LOCK and fly, my pretties, fly!

See also:

Turning discussions about anti violence tools into discu @malesubmissionart


The other day, LifeHacker featured Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid on its homepage. Today, I received an email from the post’s author, stating that “the Predator Alert Tool post [is] doing well, but as you warned, some people have descended on it with comments and accusations about you specifically.” The email then detailed several accusations, all of which there are already copious amounts of information about in the archives of this blog (for instance, here), so I won’t go into detail.

I have something else to say.

I understand that many people don’t trust me. A lot of these people are self-proclaimed anti-violence advocates. So, what I don’t understand is why, in response to their distrust of me, these “anti-violence” advocates choose to tell folks not to install anti-violence apps that I wrote while AT THE SAME TIME refusing to acknowledge the fact that the tools’ functioning isn’t coupled to the tool-maker.

Such a prolonged tool-suppression & FUD campaign isn’t new or novel but isn’t typically associated w/”anti-violence” advocates, who tend to suffer from a dearth of tools already. Moreover, I know of no criticism of Predator Alert Tool that’s technical in nature.

If there is a technical criticism of Predator Alert Tool’s methodology/philosophy, I want to hear it but, years later, there have been none. In fact, as far as I’m aware, even the people who want to dissuade others from using (or, even knowing about the existence of) Predator Alert Tool ultimately concede that the tools themselves are good.

As a friend of mine said:

[Their behavior] creates a[n] obstruction between maymay’s anti-violence work and an important community of online users — an obstruction that, most of all, harms people who are less technically savvy and more vulnerable to both online and in-person violence, by limiting their access to (and even awareness of) resources they can use to protect themselves.

Given these facts, it is hard for me to believe that the people “concerned” about Predator Alert Tool users are in fact concerned for those user’s safety. And while I don’t believe all of these concern trolls are malicious, their lack of any technical criticism betrays 2 simple possible explanations.

  1. First, they don’t really understand how Predator Alert Tool (or their Web browsers) work.
  2. Or, what they’re actually concerned about is a longstanding social grudge against the toolmaker who’s receiving positive recognition/acknowledgement.

In either case, whether it be because of technical ignorance or reputation-based social capital, the people who are harmed by FUD (“Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt”) campaigns are always would-be users of tools that don’t get used when there is only potential gains to be had by using them. This is akin to telling people not to use (or even write about the existence of) hammers because hammer-makers are racists. And I’m not even arguing that hammer-makers are not racists, nor that I’m a trustworthy person. All I’m saying is that telling people to stop writing about the existence of hammers harms people who need to put nails into a wall and would find hammers useful in doing so.

Because that’s how tools (as opposed to belief systems) actually work in the real world: whether or not the hammer-maker is a racist doesn’t change the fact that the hammer still puts nails into walls. Likewise, whether or not I am “an abuser” does not change the fact that Predator Alert Tool is a useful anti-violence tool users of dating websites can add to their toolkits. This only seems far-fetched if you don’t actually know how Predator Alert Tool works (here’s yet-another explanation). But given that my collaborators and I have gone to great lengths to ensure both the ideas and the code that implements them are open-source, thoroughly documented, released to the public domain, not knowing how the tool works or spreading misinformation about how they work are ultimately deliberate choices.

Now, we’re familiar with the methodology of “smear & scare” from corporations, but that self-identified “anti-violence” advocates—feminists, even!—stoop to the same level is…well, it’s at least educational. :(

The ease w/which Predator Alert Tool can be copied (it’s just an idea after all) & the intransigence of its concern trolls’ unwillingness to so much as discuss mimicking Predator Alert Tool’s methods should at a MINIMUM reveal their priorities, if not intentions.

Anyway this whole thing is extremely frustrating & hurtful and it has been for years. By necessity, I’ve put an order of magnitude more effort into refuting the endlessly repetitive FUD & bullshit about Predator Alert Tool than in actually creating it. That’s very unfortunate because—empirically speaking—the only person who is able and willing to actually write tools like Predator Alert so far is me. Imagine how much more effective tools we could develop if we spent even a fraction of the effort we are currently wasting on this reputation “debate” on actually encoding the anti-violence methodology that Predator Alert Tool uses into every social network on the Internet?

And, I’m just saying, well, isn’t it a bit fishy that same people who have nothing bad to say about Predator Alert Tool itself seem hell-bent on burying it? It’s easy to understand why people may not like or trust someone else, but I find it hard to square how these same people claim to be supporters of anti-violence tools while at the same time preferring to bury discussion about anti-violence tools. Doubly so when those very same people are freely offered replicas of the same exact tool set but without the one thing they don’t like about it (me), and yet they still refuse to accept the offer.

So, after years of being homeless and writing Predator Alert Tool code while living out of my car, is it any wonder I get pissed off at these (often paid) full-time activists whose only contribution to a “debate” about Predator Alert Tool is actually not even about the tool itself?

Look, I can and do deal with a peanut gallery, but the so-called anti-violence advocates who have been hounding me over PAT for years are not harmless.

They are at best woefully ignorant about extreme fundamental premises of how modern technology works & at worst extremely dangerous bullies who epitomize the exact problem Predator Alert Tool is addressing right now, today.

Maymay unquietpirate my parting @malesubmissionart



My parting (terrifying) thought: These are just the cases where the victim had the courage and family support to come forward publicly to accuse their attackers – even in their positions of power and authority within the church and community. Police and prosecutors know that most of these crimes go unreported – especially within the church. How many more victims suffer in silence every day? If I were still a praying man, I would be praying that the poor victims of these monsters are able to get the best counseling available OUTSIDE the typical “Christian Counseling” found within the church. 

“25 More Shocking Arrests”: Pastors Charged with Sex Crimes

The Predator Alert Tool project recently released a Predator Alert Tool for Christian Mingle, a dating site that offers to help “find God’s match for you.” (But only if you are either a “man seeking a woman” or a “woman seeking a man.”) 

In their release notes for PAT-CM, developer maymay noted:

This tool is based on the popular Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, a dating website for the BDSM/leather/sadomasochistic subculture and, I have to say, the code is almost identical for both websites. Coincidence? I think not. :P

Unsurprisingly, Christian culture and BDSM culture have more in common than just how they design their dating sites. In the context of fighting sexual violence, the most salient similarity is the one quoted at the beginning of this post:

Christian communities — especially of some of the more extremist denominations — are often small, insular, tight-knit social enclaves led by unscrupulous abusers. In both BDSM sub-cultures and evangelical Christian sub-cultures, these leaders use their power to foster a sense of vulnerability and embattlement amongst their followers, training them to believe that Christians/”kinksters” are an oppressed group. Followers are told that they can’t trust anyone outside “the community” to understand or treat them fairly; and that taking their problems to outsiders, rather than having them addressed internally by the community’s (corrupt) leadership, will only give mainstream society more ammunition with which to “oppress” them further. 

In short: Both communities suffer from higher-than-average rates of sexual violence, often perpetrated by leaders in those communities, and survivors have little recourse because they have no one to turn to for help besides that same abusive leadership.  

There has been a great deal of work done internally, both in the BDSM Scene and among Christian church communities, to try and address the epidemic of sexual violence in their midst — but that work cannot progress as long as information about sexual violence remains silo’ed between survivors and community leaders who would prefer to silence them. The Predator Alert Tools are important because they takes reporting, discussing, sharing information, and arbitrating the consequences of sexual violence out of the hands of “the authorities” and distribute it to the community as a whole.

For this reason, Predator Alert Tool for Christian Mingle might be the most important PAT since PAT-Fetlife for helping protect potential victims from powerful predators right now, today. 

I could probably say something really snarky about the BDSM Scene here, but I’ll just link to this damning BDSM community consent survey and leave it at that.

New support circle feature in predator alert tool for tw @malesubmissionart


Tonight’s update to the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter adds a feature inspired by the award-winning Circle of 6 anti-violence iPhone app to help cyberbullying targets call for help when they need it:

This screenshot shows a small excerpt from a four hour long cyberbullying dogpile by @nullvoid9 on Twitter, with the new “Get help from your Support Circle” link under their tweet.

Your Support Circle are other Twitter users who you know and trust to publicly back you up when you’re getting bullied on Twitter. When you’re enduring cyberbullying on Twitter, you can use Predator Alert Tool for Twitter to get help from your Support Circle in one click. Everyone in your Support Circle receives a Direct Message asking them to help you, with a link to the harassing messages.

Just the other day, I was harassed on Twitter for more than 4 straight hours by a clique of pop social justice cyberbullies. As a result of that, I spent all night yesterday and all day today trying to come up with more ways to literally encode anti-bullying mechanisms into the technology that I use. As I said then:

[I]f we want to meaningfully address #cyberbullying we need to:

  1. build communication tools for target(s) & supporter(s) to connect, FAST.
  2. Change the way we think about abuse and #cyberbullying (and violence) from “a thing bullies do” to “an experience that a target endures,” and
  3. nurture mutually meaningful relationships w/other individual people (as opposed to “support causes for demographics”).

For me personally, this means continuing to literally encode these goals in Predator Alert Tool code. You can help by sharing ideas with me. Until you have an idea to share you can also help by sharing links to work I already did to encode ideas by @unquietpirate & others in code. Those links are easy to find on the Internet, e.g., on LifeHacker and at [my homepage],

The “Support Circle” feature I added to Predator Alert Tool for Twitter today is part of me enacting goal number 1: build communication tools for target(s) and supporter(s) to connect, fast.

As usual, sending me bug reports and feature requests are both equally appreciated, as are donations of food to keep me hacking.

Announcing predator alert tool for christianmingle @malesubmissionart


The Predator Alert Tool for ChristianMingle, or PAT-ChristianMingle, is a tool that alerts you of profiles on Spark Networks’ ChristianMingle dating site belonging to people who have reportedly violated others’ consent, such as through sexual assault or rape. This tool is based on the popular Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, a dating website for the BDSM/leather/sadomasochistic subculture and, I have to say, the code is almost identical for both websites. Coincidence? I think not. :P

The Predator Alert Tool for ChristianMingle (PAT-ChristianMingle) empowers Internet users like you to anonymously report harassment, rape, and other abuses they have experienced at the hands of a person with a ChristianMingle account. Your report is then automatically disemminated to other PAT-ChristianMingle users, as well as being published on the open Internet.


  • While browsing ChristianMingle, the Predator Alert Tool will visually highlight any user profile you encounter that has allegedly violated another person’s consent. Click through to the user’s profile for a complete listing of reported consent violations.
  • Each time you load a user’s ChristianMingle profile, that user’s profile picture is scanned against the United States’s Sex Offender Registry using the facial recognition service provided by, and the most likely match is shown to you:

I coded this one blind, meaning I was not online when I wrote it. It works in my tests but I’d love for people to try this out on their actual accounts and let me know how well it works. Report bugs here.

Also, by the way, this makes seven Predator Alert Tools. Seven. Total budget: $0. Still.

And my government still thinks I don’t deserve to eat. Fuck.

The disparity in resource allocation to this @malesubmissionart

The disparity in resource allocation to this problem should tell you something about priorities and efficacy. Observe:


Just a reminder that this post…


Yesterday, there were four dating websites that had Predator Alert Tools. Today, there are five:

As before, these tools are inspired by the academic works of David Lisak and Paul Miller, “Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,” 2002, and the academic works of Stephanie K. McWhorter, “Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel,” 2009. See “Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?“ for details.

I’ve also just published a brief tutorial explaining how you can make a Predator Alert Tool for any (and every) Facebook app. Because, again, there is no good excuse for not building sexual violence prevention tools into every social network on the Internet.

Also, yes, Facebook is a “dating website.” Not only are there speculations that Mark Zuckerberg initially created Facebook so he would have an easier time picking up girls, everything Facebook does facilitates online dating: finding, meeting, and interacting with new people, comparing common interests or “Likes,” and posting pretty photos of yourself.

Please remember:

This project is 100% volunteer-run. There are no paid developers. There is no staff.

There is also no budget.

It takes time, heart, and material resources to ensure that this software continues to function, much less is improved on over time. If you can afford to do so, please consider making a donation in the form of food or money to its houseless, nomadic developer at Thank you very much.

…is outdated, because now there is another Predator Alert Tool, this time for Twitter, the most decentralized, user-controlled PAT yet.

That makes 6 tools. Six different Predator Alert Tools, in less than two years, developed using a grand total budget of $0, thousands of lines of code in four different languages written by one person, whose government insists does not deserve to eat.

But, please, do tell us more about how sexual violence online is something you’re “working really hard to address.” It’s not like you have more resources than a homeless person who lives off donated food. Oh, wait….


Predator alert tool for twitter is here @malesubmissionart


I released the code for my proof-of-concept and first functional prototype of the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter to the public domain. If you want to try it out yourself, you can use the public Predator Alert Tool for Twitter facilitator at I’ve seeded it with a demonstration warnlist called “Reputation-addicted putzes” onto which I’ve placed the Twitter accounts of @JillianCYork and @CharlieGlickman, as starters. Here are some screenshots.

  • href="" This screenshot shows the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter displaying a “Predator Alert” from a public warnlist on the user profile of @JillianCYork, who was added to the list “Reputation-addicted putzes.” in the current version 0.1 of PAT-Twitter.
  • Using Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, any and all links to the profile, tweets, or lists of a user who is on a Predator Alert warnlist you've subscribed to are redboxed. In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to their profile to view the alert's details.

    Using Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, any and all links to the profile, tweets, or lists of a user who is on a Predator Alert warnlist you’ve subscribed to are redboxed. In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to their profile to view the alert’s details.

  • The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is distributed to users through "facilitator" websites that keep copies of public data (and only public data). These facilitators also allow you to browse public warnlists and view alerts attached to specific Twitter user accounts. These alerts can not be removed or edited, ever.

    The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is distributed to users through “facilitator” websites that keep copies of public data (and only public data). These facilitators also allow you to browse public warnlists and view alerts attached to specific Twitter user accounts. These alerts can not be removed or edited, ever.

Feature requests, patches, and bug reports for Predator Alert Tool for Twitter are welcome. Copying is encouraged. Don’t trust me; run your own server for your community and add me to as many warnlists as you want.

Just as before, I welcome your anger, too.

Unlike twitter itself predator alert tool for twitter is @malesubmissionart

Relevant to FetLife, too, as you’ll see from the text. (It all comes together at the end.)



I’m still hacking away on Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, but I’ve just finished putting some final wax and polish on the user interface for warnlist privacy options. What’s really exciting about this is that, unlike Twitter itself, in Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, “private” actually means what it says on the tin.

When you make a “Private” Twitter list, Twitter claims that “only you can access this list.” But we know that’s not entirely true. Twitter themselves can also always access that so-called “private” list. Moreover, if your Twitter account gets hijacked by someone else, they can also access that list.

In contrast, when you make a “Private” PAT Twitter warnlist, not even Twitter themselves, nor anyone accessing your Twitter account can access that list. That’s because the warnlist you make private never leaves your Web browser.

Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is a private-by-default, public-by-effort application in the sense that when you mark some of your data “private,” it never leaves your Web browser without your knowing about it. Not even Twitter can read your private lists. Because that’s what privacy is supposed to mean.

What’s important to understand here is that when you “delete” something from a service like Twitter or Facebook, you’re not actually deleting anything. All you’re doing is asking them, to please not show that to anyone anymore. But those companies still keep a copy of the thing you supposedly “deleted.” Y’know, for their records. They’ve been doing that ever since the start. And if you thought you had embarrassing photos on Facebook, have you checked FetLife lately? Yup, FetLife is even worse in this respect.

Another consideration showcased in the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter screenshot shown here is the notion of “data portability,” or the idea that “you can take your data with you wherever you go.” That’s why each warnlist you make also includes an “Export” button, which gives you a plain text file containing a backup of your warnlist’s data, including all of the Predator Alerts you added to it. If you use multiple browsers, you can export a list you created in Mozilla Firefox and import it into Google Chrome, for example. And when you do that, it stays in that browser.

You can also use the “Export” feature to share warnlists in a truly private fashion, such as by sending the exported list to a friend over encrypted email. Of course, your privacy is ultimately your responsibility. The point here is that Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is designed to help you maintain that privacy with as little effort as possible. Inversely, the MO of sites I’m building Predator Alert Tools for, like Twitter, Facebook, FetLife, and OkCupid are all about violating your privacy.

So, there’s that.

For a higher-level overview of the upcoming Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, see my user interface preview. And, as always, donations (especially of food) are appreciated. Okay, back to work I go.

This is the coolest.

I’m about to take a sneak peek at the new PAT-Twitter interface. I’m excited about PAT-Twitter for a number of reasons, but one of the most exciting is that this is the first Predator Alert Tool that’s “unhosted.” That means it’s an app that gives you more control over how you interact with the Internet, but it doesn’t do that via some corporate or even open-source centralized system. Your private data isn’t stored where it can be hacked into by your ex, snooped on by untrustworthy admin, or even requisitioned by the NSA. It’s located entirely in your browser, on your own computer only, unless you choose to share it with other PAT-Twitter users in a direct peer-to-peer way. 

This kind of privacy and data portability is important generally speaking, but it’s especially essential to allow vulnerable people — such as survivors of sexual violence — share information with each other safely.